The Holiday report

A belated Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to everyone out there in blogland!

My visit to my parents' was not the relaxing get away that I desperately need, but was indeed fun. We went straight from there to my brother's house for a couple of days of chaos then back home to our own brand of chaos. I have had to work for the last 3 nights (that includes Christmas Eve, Christmas in case you were wondering). There has not been a patient in site for 3 entire shifts. The first night it was a nice break, but by the third night I am going a little crazy. It is compounded by the fact that the other nurse got floated to another unit, so I have been sitting here for going on 12 hours by myself, trying to stay awake.

Christmas went by way too fast and I missed way too much of it sleeping. My precious little Z was a joy to watch and was overwhelmed with presents from both sides of the family. I felt like I was spoiled rotten, not necessarily by the volume or the expense of the gifts, but by the thoughtfulness. C did give me a new iPod nano which felt a little indulgent, but I have to say I love it.

Not much to report on the IF front. C and I weren't even in the same state during what I'm pretty sure was my "fertile days". Honestly, I don't even feel like I have the energy right now to track these things. A couple months off of obligatory intimacy is just what I need. My 15 pound weight loss is not going well, although I thought I was doing great until I got home from my travels and stepped on the scale. I exercised every day...EVERY DAY. Before I left I was doing 30-40 minutes on the elliptical trainer, then while I was at my parents' house I went to the gym with my father and did 35 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the treadmill. When I was at my brother's my SIL and I walked (briskly) 50 minutes every day....even in the rain. And after all this hard work, I am rewarded with a one pound weight gain....damn it! I was very discouraged. Then when I get to work there is fudge, cookies, chocolates.....etc. Given my discouraged state and the need to do anything to stay awake....I have eaten way over my quota of Dove's chocolates....although I did manage to choke down carrots and celery at some point during the shift. I know I have to get back on the exercise horse, but it is probably not going to happen until Friday.

Friday I will also get fingerprinted for my nursing license in the new state. There is something about going to the police department and asking to be fingerprinted that just seems wrong. I have only 5 more shifts left at this job, then I have almost 2 weeks off before starting at the big hospital. I guess I should savor these slow shifts, because it is not likely to happen at a hospital that does 5 times as many births as we do.

Stork

Don't get excited...it's not what you think.

I'm on hiatus at my parent's house for the week.  Then we are off to my brother's house for the weekend to celebrate my side of the family's Christmas.  The week has actually been busy, but with the kind of busy that is enjoyable.  Trips to the pool, the gym, making gingerbread houses.  In a rare moment that I was alone, I had a conversation with my DH that took a bad turn.  I don't want to get into details, lets just leave it by saying that I often feel like I can't live up to my husbands' idealistic expectations at Christmas.  We resolved (I hope) some hurt feelings, but I was still feeling a little blue.  Later I received another phone call from DH, thinking that it was going to more about the earlier conversation....but it was worse.  Our tree had fallen over and the water in the base soaked all of the presents that I had wrapped right before I left.  This event happened at about 11pm and C was up until 3 am cleaning up the mess.  He ended up putting a hook in the wall and stringing wire around the trunk to keep it stable.  We usually buy ornaments as souvenirs  of our travels so I was worried that some had broken.  Well, the ONLY ornament that broke was a glass stork that my MIL had given us a few years ago.  If that isn't appropriate I don't know what is.

Scare

*Warning....child mentioned*


Oh, where do I begin? Yesterday morning I went into my daughter's room around 8:30. She is our alarm clock, and that was a bit late for her to be waking up. When I walked in she was standing in the middle of the room in a daze saying "I can't walk, will you carry me?" I sat down on the floor, she climbed into my lap and promptly fell asleep...sound asleep. My first thought...well that is odd. Then for the next 20 minutes, I try to wake her up. She had moments where she was awake, but they didn't last very long. She even fell asleep in the middle of a sentence.

There are two routes that I will typically take in a crisis involving family, over reacting or under reacting. As a nurse, I will often assess the situation and usually come away with "She'll be fine". I also come from a family where my father's motto was "It doesn't hurt if it's not bleeding". Let's just say that in general I am not quick to turn to medical help, after all I AM medical help right? Well, this thinking is seriously flawed for a couple of reasons. The first being that when it is my child or family member, I usually turn into an idiot and my assessment skills are impaired. The second reason is that I am a Labor and Delivery nurse, so pediatric illness/injuries is not my forte.

So after about 20 minutes of the flaccid somnolent child, I decide to call her doctor. Big surprise - she wants me to take her to the ER. As we are packaging her up (it was 20 degrees outside) she almost collapses. I immediately start thinking that there is something neurological going on, she's sort of acting like she has a concussion. And I'm really hoping that pre-school didn't somehow miss a child who had a severe enough accident to sustain a traumatic brain injury.

She stayed awake on the drive over, and I thought about turning around and going back home. But there was something that was just not "right". She continued to act groggy, but not as lethargic as she had earlier. When we get to the ER and go through registration, they almost tried to send me back to the waiting room, but there was no way I was going to wait a minute longer before someone other than me assessed her. She got through triage without lifting her head off my shoulder. Next is the history - recent illnesses, complaints, new foods, exposure to illnesses etc.....her history is benign expect for the previous 1.5 hours.

So then comes the IV and the bloodwork and trying to get a urine specimen. She was amazing. The only time she cried was when I told her not to pull on her IV. C met us at the ER with portable DVD in hand. We watched "Ala.din" and "Chick.en Run". After 5 hours the verdict was "moderate dehydration". She received a bolus of IV fluids, she had lots to drink and 3 popsicles and she was a new girl. I have no idea how or why she was dehydrated. By 5 pm she was running and jumping around like nothing was ever wrong. By the way she was acting, you'd never have known that just 8 hours earlier I was crying hysterically (but only briefly) while I put on a baseball cap and quickly smeared on some deodorant. I called out from work, but then felt guilty because she was acting just fine. Of course now it is 4 am and I am now feeling guilty because I am not at home.

So she will be under the watchful eye of my husband this weekend, as work Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. On an amusing note, the ER told us that since our last visit, they always put chocolate syrup in the charcoal when treating a child...although now they have added a dollop of vanilla ice cream.

Hard core

We had our first appointment with the actual RE today. Silly me thought that by seeing a woman doctor, I may get some of the warm fuzzies that I have been absent from my providers during this very long process. I will now refer to her as Dr. Professor. Both C and I felt like we were back in a college lecture and that we should be taking notes for a pop quiz somewhere down the road. Everything was very technical - as it needs to be I guess - lots of statistics and a step by clinical step explanation of IVF from suppression to stims to transfer. I have been doing lots of research and of course keeping up with blogs the best I can. C on the other hand left with his head in a bit of a spin. A lot of the information was review for me, but I did learn some very interesting things about ICSI. The only thing that I wasn't crazy about was that she always gave me statistics for the 40 year old age group.....I've got another year before I'm in that category. Ok, so maybe I'm a little sensitive.

The warm fuzzies finally came from the IVF nurse....let's see, let's call her Nurse Bubbly. She was awesome. We laughed and joked. She was a nurse for 21 years in the department where I will be starting in January, so I think there was a little sense of kindred spirits happening. The plan is for me to call Nurse Bubbly in February and we will schedule b/w and ultrasound (complete with a mock transfer) in March. Then we will start suppression with my April cycle and hopefully be looking at May for retrieval and transfer. At least that will give me a little time at the job to feel out if I will be able to take an hour out of my day to go for ultrasounds, etc. I don't like starting a new job and already anticipating taking time off.

I risked asking the question "Is there anything that I can do to improve my fertility?" Dr. Professor looked at me ever so briefly, then before she could answer I said "I need to lose weight don't I?" The response was a definite yes. Even though this blog is pretty anonymous, I still cannot bring myself to reveal my weight...let's just say that 15 pounds would be good start, more would be better. Both C and I have struggled with our weight for so many years. The good news is that even before this appointment, we have been taking steps to modify our diet and exercise. When we got to the car we agreed to go "hard core" in the diet department. If you raided my lunch box tonight, you would see carrots, celery, turkey sandwich, an apple, an orange and a yogurt....and yes I am already hungry.

Bored

Well, it's 2:30 am, we have no one in labor....so I blog.

Thanksgiving was awesome, but as always it went by way too fast. Both C and I were illin' with a nasty cold, so we didn't partake in the traditional trek through the woods. We ate a lot, but not too much. We played lots of Wii video games. I'm not a big "gamer" like my hubby, but getting the family together around a Wii is a riot. My 67 year old mother loves to play - especially baseball. We gave Z a controller but took out the batteries so she felt like she was a part of the action. My favorite part of the holiday though, was watching my daughter fall asleep on my father's chest. Five years ago he was diagnosed with melanoma that had spread to lymph nodes and an concurrent primary kidney cancer. The prognosis initially was bleak. He did things to insure that my mom would be taken care of should the unimaginable happen. He talked of regret in his life - in which he had only one - that he would not be around to see my children. Fast forward to today and he is healthy and vibrant and cancer free. Whenever I observe a tender moment between him and my daughter I fight back tears.

My mother broke the news that my cousin and his wife are expecting twins via IVF. I am not particularly close with that side of the family. He did come to our little family reunion that we had back in September, but before that I don't think that I have seen my cousin since our wedding (6 years ago), and he only lives one and half hours away. I keep thinking about how he continues to smoke when his mother has emphysema and requires supplemental oxygen 24 hours a day. His wife was also smoking at the reunion so I am curious what the her RE thinks about that. I pressed my mom for some details of why they needed IVF, but she didn't know. All she knew was that when they got married 2 years ago they wanted to have children right away, but that obviously didn't happen. I am contemplating getting their contact info. She would be my only connection IRL that has gone through this process, but she is only a little less than a stranger to me. I also had a brief moment of anxiety about the tone in which my mother told me they were having twins...almost like a warning. Sometimes I think that my mother feels it would be worse to have twins than not to have another child. C gently pointed out that my micro-analysis of my mother's intentions were unwarranted. My mother may have concerns, but she does not possess a mean bone in her body. If anything there is ignorance in her comments, but never malice.

Cry baby

Yep, that's me. I really need to stop with all the crying when telling people that I have resigned. The crazy thing is that I am upset, and they are thrilled (not that I'm leaving, but that I will have the chance to do IVF). The support has been amazing.....except......

I made the announcement of my resignation at the end of staff meeting the other day. Then I answered a bunch of questions about the IVF plan. Cue the anecdotes and dreaded comments:

"I have a friend who decided to adopt then found out they were pregnant"
"Now that you've made the decision to change jobs, that is when you will get pregnant"
"What if you get pregnant before January, will you still leave?"
"Since you'll be working days, you'll get pregnant on your own"
"You just need to forget about it, that's when it will happen"
and my personal favorite "It will happen if it's meant to be"

STOP! I know that every person was well intentioned, so why do those comments sting so much? Maybe it is because they trivialize my plight. Giving advice for something that they know NOTHING about is not helpful.

I'm trying to be a better blogger....commenting more, lurking less. Family comes tomorrow for a few days. The house is finally clean, pantry is full of groceries, the Wii is hooked up and ready for play, guest beds all made up, now all I need is a couple hours of sleep then the mayhem that is Thanksgiving can begin. We are going to have another "White Thanksgiving" this year. There is already a couple of inches of snow on the ground, and we should be getting more.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, may you enjoy a tryptophan induced nap!

Reality

Well, it's official. My last day at my current job will be January 9th. Orientation starts on January 21st. What am I going to do with all this time off? I think that I may go to a yoga retreat (Kripalu) and go to a knitting weekend of all things (and yes, those are one and the same). Kriapula has amazing workshops - my first thought was to attend one on letting go of "fear", but then I saw this knitting workshop: 3 days for experienced knitters and lecturer is (drum roll please) Karen Allen......of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" fame....c'mon you know who I'm talking about. Apparently the actress thing got boring and now she has a knitting book and goes around the country doing knitting seminars/workshops. So fear be damned.....I'm gonna learn inartisa knitting! I would love to go with a friend, but my friends who knit don't do yoga and vice versa.

I'm trying not to think too hard about how far away IVF #1 seems (5 1/2 months). We have an appointment with the RE on November 28th. They have scheduled it to be one hour long, so hopefully we will come away with a bit of plan and an idea of how much the meds are going to cost. I believe that they have done all the testing for me that they are going to do, so I'm hoping that I will even have a protocol so I can start doing some research. In the meantime we are "trying" this month on our own. I have only a vague idea of what cd it is. This weekend C asked me what kind of "schedule" we were on....of course the most fertile days are going to be the day the whole family arrives through when they leave....of course. But my response to the schedule question was that I am not going to get wound up about it this month....or maybe even next. The family is coming here for Thanksgiving, so that is the last thing on my mind right now. My brain is full of thoughts of vacuuming and cleaning toilets.

The reality of leaving this job is hitting me in little jabs. The other day I was at a committee meeting and the group leader was asking for someone to volunteer for a project. It was something that I normally would jump at doing, but I know I wouldn't be there to see it through, so I sat there silent- which is not like me at all. My OB is part of this committee, I had not told him my decision yet. He has actually been left out of the loop because I didn't really trust him not to spill the beans at work. So I said "I need to tell you something". He says "Let me guess you are leaving and going to work at ****Hospital so you can have IVF".

What the *#%$?

Apparently my primary care doctor and my OB were at a seminar about infertility and my primary care doc spoke up and said that she had a patient that was changing jobs specifically so she could have insurance coverage for IVF....didn't mention any names....that was all she said. But my OB knew that she was talking about me.....have I mentioned that I currently work for a VERY small hospital.

Anyway, so after I hit the "publish post" button. I will be working on my resignation letter, which I need to turn in today. Then comes that task of starting to tell people that I am leaving. I have never given this much notice...almost 2 months. I know that I should tell co-workers sooner than later. I had said right from the beginning that I would definitely tell people the reason I am leaving, but now I am not so sure.

Job Offer

And so it begins....a new paragraph for my resume. I was offered the job on Tuesday. I actually have not officially accepted. I am waiting for some answers to a couple of questions that are not deal breakers by any means, but I just want clarification on. Orientation starts on January 21 and I plan on at least ten days between jobs. I have had a couple of people ask "Are you excited about the new job?" The answer is complicated. I am nervous about the new job. I guess I would be more excited if the job was actually what attracted me to the new hospital, but it wasn't....it was the insurance coverage. I'm sure that I will like it, I have heard only good things....but it really doesn't matter if I like it....the job will help us grow our family and ultimately that is what is most important to me.

When I came to work tonight there was an email about the benefits fair for the up coming year. As I will only be around for 11 days in the New Year - do I go? I guess I should, if nothing else to discontinue the dependent care and medical spending accounts through my current job.

*as I am doing spellcheck for this post, and nothing needs to be changed, I realize it is because I have not used IF abbreviations or obscure medical terms like adenomyosis....it's a post that anyone can read and actually understand! that doesn't happen very often.

cd 3

Welcome to cd3. Isn't this crazy, but I have forgotten off the top of my head if this is my first or second month off of clomid. When did I do that clomid challenge....last month? After being so obsessive about charting for so long, I feel a bit out of control not having the statistics of my cycle as my first and most persistent thought throughout the day. Anyway, so far it has been an exciting cycle....warning....graphic AF description coming. It's red....really red and pretty heavy. Never thought I would be jumping for joy over a heavy period. But, considering for months now AF has lasted only a couple of days and has been almost black....my thought is that my lining is starting to rebound from all the months of clomid (10 cycles since fall of last year). So, what comes with this excitement? hope. There, I said it. There is a piece of me that thinks that clomid was more evil than good, and now that AF is back to normal and I am more "relaxed" (yes, I know, I said the "r" word) especially since I am likely going to take this new job, that there is hope that we can still do this the natural way. Don't worry, the excitement and hope won't stick around for long, I'm sure, but I'm going to embrace them while they are here - rather than escorting them to the door.

I have an appointment to talk with my boss on Monday morning re: new job opportunity. I know that she will understand, but it is going to be a difficult conversation. We are already short staffed, with little hope of finding experienced nurses for the holes in the schedule that we already have. I have a strong sense of loyalty to this department and I hate the idea of leaving them in a time of need.....but I have to put my family first.

Pr.os and C.ons

Ever wish someone would just tell you what is the right thing to do? I had my interview with the department manager Wednesday. I feel like this should be a black or white decision, and instead I find myself in a fog of gray. The department itself is very nice, and the people seem very nice. Let's look at some pro.s and co.ns of each job shall we?


Teeny Tiny Hospital (current)
2 nurses each shift
No LNAs
no unit secretary
no 24 pharmacy/housekeeping
200 births per year
little high risk experience
I'm comfortable in my position
25 minute commute
A lot of autonomy
Scheduling nightmares because of such a small staff
If the sh*t hits the fan, there is little to no back up
Night shift means that I see my daughter every day....even if it just getting her ready for pre-school, but night shift also means that I sleep on my "day off"

Night shift= more money, but I'm tired ALL THE TIME

NO IVF coverage



Big Scary Hospital
7-9 nurses each shift
3-4 LNAs each shift
2 unit secretaries
24 hour everything (read: I wouldn't have to mop the floors after deliveries)
1000 births per year
55% of births are high risk (read: I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing...of course there would be orientation)
1 hour commute
Because this is a teaching hospital, I would lose a lot of the autonomy that I am used to
With a push of a button (literally) the neonatalogy team arrives to assist in a delivery
Self scheduling, and although there is a weekend commitment, it is flexible
Day shift means that on the days that I work, I would not see my daughter (leave at 5:30am, come home at about 8:30 pm), but my days off would not be spent sleeping

Only day shift is available = less money, but I would have a human-like schedule

IVF covered up to $35,000



The last two items are what are giving me a headache. I keep going back to the fact that if it wasn't for IVF, I wouldn't even be looking at this new job......but now that I have, it seems like I shouldn't pass it up. However, we are already strapped for money so what is a little less money coming in and more money going out (on gas, wear and tear on the car, daycare) going to do to our budget.

*UPDATE*

I actually thought that I tanked a few of the questions during the interview, but I have already gotten a call from HR saying that my interview went "very well" and they want to move forward to checking references. I am expecting them to offer the job next week. After MUCH thought and MUCH talking with friends, family and therapist....it is foolish for me not to take the job. I discovered while I was making the above lists, that it is not the job that I am worried about, it is the IVF. This will be our last chance, and we will probably only get 3 cycles at the most. I am worried about not just failed cycles, but a miscarriage, being put on bed rest, and multiple gestation. We are coming to the finish line of this journey and that scares the crap out of me. Our options are diminishing rapidly. When I was on clomid there was always IUIs, while doing IUIs there was always the option of IVF. Now if IVF fails, my next step is likely a hysterectomy because of the adenomyosis pain. You can't get more definitive than that on closing the door to another biological child. I just don't think that I could live without regret if we don't at least try IVF.

Next stop on the infertility train: coping with my fears.

Hiatus

So I haven't been doing anything related to fertility this month....I mean, I don't even know what cd I'm on....couldn't tell you if I marked day one on my calendar for future reference even. It has been nice, sort of. The daily stress is not there which is absolutely freeing. But, I also feel like we are wasting precious time by not doing anything. Of course we are giving it the ol' college try the natural way, but I am less than optimistic that it will work that way. I originally had an appointment with the RE for Monday of this week, but I rescheduled. It seemed a little premature as I don't even know if I will be offered this new job. No new job = no IVF. I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse for once in my life. My interview is on Wednesday...not sure how long it will be before they make a decision.

So today I dusted off my keyboard. Sent out some long over due emails to friends that I have ignored in written correspondence (but never in thought). A dear friend of mine had a baby in May....MAY!! and I just got around to telling her congratulations today. Her email started with something like "I was wondering if I had the right email address for you". I didn't realize how much emotion I have been choking back until I started to write this email and explain what has been going on for the last several months. Tears came down my face as I typed the words IVF, new job and cancer. Although my unintentional hiatus seemed like a welcome change: no blogging, no checking blogs, no journaling, no tracking days or symptoms. In the process I feel like I have been absent from my own life.

So, I'm back.

I'm working out. I'm knitting. I'm connecting with friends. I'm listening to music that nourishes my heart. I'm carving out quiet time for my husband.

Hurry up and wait

I am in a bit of a panic. After several emails back and forth to the HR department, I had an interview set with the department manager for Oct 25. That would be really good timing for me. It would mean that if they did offer me the job, and I accepted, then orientation would start on Nov 26. They only do ENO (experienced nurse orientation) once a month, and they will not have an orientation in Dec because of the holidays. Insurance (aka- eligibility for IVF) would start on the first day of the second month (if I start in Nov, insurance would be effective in Jan). So I would be looking at IVF in Feb. BUT, today I got another email and they needed to reschedule my appointment for Nov 7. Assuming that they extend an offer right away, it is barely enough time to put in my notice at work and start by Nov 26. So, if that start date doesn't work out, then it would be late Jan before I would start work and April before IVF is possible. I just want to cry. Six and a half months seems like a lifetime away. I know that time will probably pass more quickly than I think it will in this moment, it is just exasperating to think that after almost 2 years I will have to wait this long because of administrative delays.

So now I need to get cracking on getting letters of reference from present and past supervisors (they won't make an offer without them). I also need to contact the new state and go through the process of getting my nursing license endorsed.....wish it was an simple process....not so much. Let me just say that the easiest part is getting fingerprinted, yes fingerprinted. I also have to have an FBI background check!

Interiew and Stuff

I had an interview today with HR at the big scary hospital. (The APRN at the fertility clinic said that she didn't think I would have a problem getting the job...here's hoping.) The interview went well, although it was very formal in a way. She went down a list of questions, taking notes as I answered. Over all the whole process was a bit formulaic right down to my salary - which she literally plugged in my number of years (right down to the month) experience into a computer program and it spat out a number. Mind you it was a good number....about $4.00 per hour more than I am making now. Next step is an interview with the nurse manager. If all goes well, orientation would start Nov 26. Benefits would not be effective until Jan 1, so it looks like 2008 will be the earliest we can do IVF. I don't really know how I feel about all of this. I am not jumping out of my skin for this job, if it wasn't for the IVF I wouldn't even be looking. But it is a good opportunity, the benefits, the salary, clinical experience. Really the only cons in this situation is that I like my current job and the 1 hour commute. Anyway, back to IF stuff.

I had a follow up with after we got all our blood work and SA results. Here they are:

CD3 FSH - 4.9 (yippee)

CD10 FSH - 5.0

CD3 estrogen- 31

SA count - 125 million

morphology 6%



Essentially other than my age and lack of a fallopian tube, everything is peachy keen. Although, they are still recommending IVF. As the APRN said my "window is closing". So we have an appointment on November 5th with the actual RE (a woman - yay). Then we will decide on when we actually want to start the process. A big part of this is the potential for starting a new job. I don't really want to be the new kid on the block and immediately have to ask for time off, on the other hand, I don't really want to wait too much longer either.

10-1-68

Happy Birthday to me!

Just one year closer to the precipice of being even more infertile.

A Long Walk Spoiled

Well, the family reunion was nice. We visited with cousins that I have not seen since our wedding in 2001. The whole weekend was very busy - as it is usually down there. I did get to go on a lovely long walk with my SIL and talk about my woes. At the beginning of this journey (Jan 2006) I was pretty open about our intentions. I especially talked to my co-workers about the probability of VBAC-ing. Just about everyone at work knew when we had resorted to medical interventions. Now, it is a very different story. Only one person has asked about what has been going on during the last couple of weeks and the only thing I could think of to say is: "you don't want to know". I am learning the hard way that if I don't want to hear "just relax" then I shouldn't tell anyone what we are going through, because unless the person has been there, that is the standard response. So in light of all that, it was nice to be able to talk to someone IRL that just listened- didn't offer any suggestions. The best thing she said during this talk was that "only (I) knew what was best for my family, nobody can make this decision for (me)." Of course I know this in my heart, but it was nice to hear.



Thursday I went on another long walk with some new friends that I have met through my daughter's preschool. Both women have two children and are around my age. Their youngest children (8 months and 18 months) came with us on the walk, so it was an hour and a half of juggling strollers and babies. About half way through the walk my career came up and then it was almost non-stop discussion about birth experiences. I also mentioned that I was looking into applying to a larger hospital. Then, and I knew it was coming "so, are you going to have anymore kids?" Well, I fumbled, must have seem like an idiot - it's an easy question for most right? But I really like these women, I feel like there is a connection. So I ever so briefly spilled the beans. "We've been trying for a long time, looks like we need IVF". Drum roll......."you should just relax" "you should get a dog".......sigh. All I could say was "it's not that easy" and closed the book on that conversation. What was I thinking?



So today my mind is spinning a little. Am I in the 2ww? Once again this month I have done no monitoring. I have had no CM changes so I haven't a clue when I O'd. I am waiting to hear back from the clinic on my clomid challenge results. I'm not really expecting anything unusual as my last FSH was 4- but that was last year. How quickly can those eggs go bad? I am harboring some hope that since I hit the "submit" button on my application to the big scary hospital, that this of course means that I will be pregnant this month. Silly rabbit, why do I put my self through this mental torture? It's my birthday in a couple of days. I will be sleeping for most of it as I work the night before. I'm not sure if there will be any hoopla. I have mixed feelings about even acknowledging this event. I will be 39...THIRTY NINE!

New

I feel like I am a new person, maybe even a little of the "old" me....the fertile me. C did my laundry last night. I can get pretty wound up about the handling of certain clothes (ex: I don't want my scrubs to sit in the dryer too long because they will wrinkle quickly, and there are certain sweater/shirts that I want either dried on a low setting or drip dried). To make a very long story short, there was a small snafu involving a pair of jeans and a sweater. Here's the kicker - I did not get mad, I didn't snap. I simply asked C to make an adjustment for next time. Later in the day there was another incident - although I don't even remember what it was - and I felt so calm...and not angry. What a pleasant change (both for me a C).

We are at the decision stage. No real action going on here right now. I just finished my clomid challenge and had blood work drawn yesterday morning. We are waiting for the results of b/w and SA, then we will formulate a real plan. In the meantime, I have gotten my references in order and I am in the process of doing an online application to the big scary hospital that is not so scary after all. I hope to be able to submit everything by early next week. I have to do a little research into getting my nursing license in another state. I'm hoping it is as simple as one page paperwork and a fee.

This weekend we are off to my brother's for a big family reunion. We have family coming in from Colorado that I haven't seen since our wedding 6 years ago. We will still work on ttc the old fashioned way (which of course means this weekend while we are at my brother's- luckily our usual sleeping arrangements put us in the basement far away from everyone). But the stress and anticipation and planning are minimal. I may even go crazy and have a beer...or four.

With the prospect of a new plan, the IVF plan, I find myself searching blogs to find those that are in my boat: advanced maternal age (hate that label), secondary infertility, adenomyosis, and IVF. If anyone has some suggested blogs that are not already on my list, please drop me the link.

Sleep, I need sleep

Just a quick post, as I am off to bed after a very long weekend at work. I'm on day 3 of my clomid challenge. Last night I had such a monster headache (fatigue? clomid? stress?) I felt like I might puke. The only thing I could think of is that if I'm having a tough time with the 100 mg of clomid - what are gonadotropins going to do to me! I guess I'll jump off that bridge when/if we get there. I took 100 mg for three months a while ago, and I don't remember it having this effect so I'm hoping it was just emotional and physical stress versus pharmacological stress!

I wanted to submit my resume today, but I did not get a chance to finish updating it yet. Maybe tomorrow. I also had the mortifying thought that even though I apply for this job, I might not get it. Hmmmmm.....then what? And if I do start a new job, will I have to immediately asking for accommodations to my schedule for IVF? I read that the injections have to be taken at the same time each day within 30 minutes of the scheduled time. If I'm at work, it might be difficult to make that cut off time. I can just hear it now "I know you have the urge to push, but could you wait a minute while I go shoot up?"

hot topic

I find myself trying to justify the tribulations we are voluntarily putting ourselves through in order to have another child. Mind you I do not feel the need to search for validation within myself, but to everyone else. I had thought that I found a safe place to land in this community of infertility. Lately I have been clicking on links of blogs that take me 3-4 blogs away from my original search or favorite's list. There is the hot topic out there of primary vs. secondary infertility, and honestly I am starting to feel a little unwelcome by some. I'm not going to get on any kind of soap box. When people feel so passionately about something, I have little confidence that anything will change their minds. And let me also be clear, I don't want to change anyone's mind, maybe just offer a little different perspective.

My friend who passed away of ovarian cancer 3 years ago used to talk about taking her own life at the end, when her quality of life was not acceptable for her. She also talked about not going through chemo again. She heard a lot of "I would never do that" or "I would want to fight it to the end". Her comment was simple: you don't know what you would do, until you are in that very situation. Those who say "I would just be happy with one", maybe you will, maybe you won't. There is no telling until you are truly faced with these decisions, that they are no longer hypothetical. In the end, my friend changed her mind, she did have more chemo and cancer, not hemlock, took her life. We are also entitled to change our minds and adapt our philosophies as our environment, lives and world changes around us. Speaking in absolutes is dangerous way to go through life.

Anyway, enough of that. I am seriously considering a job change in order to have coverage for IVF. I started updating my resume yesterday.

RE visit

Hmmmmm....where, oh where do I begin?

Today we went to the big scary (in)fertility clinic at the big scary teaching/research hospital. The long and short of it is: IVF is likely to be the only logical choice for our next step. We met with a very nice, very informative nurse practitioner. She laughed when I asked about BBTs and endometrial biopsies. She also said that I was "way beyond" clomid as treatment. She was nice enough not to use a biological clock analogy, but she echoed my concerns about my age. After all, my infertility problems are not going to get any better the older I get. So I have my order for cd 3 b/w which will be tomorrow, clomid challenge on days 5-9, then repeat b/w next Thursday. C will have an SA next week, then I think I have to have an u/s, but I'm not sure on what day. I left with my head spinning from all the information, some of the details are a little fuzzy right now. As long as my fsh is not too high (it was around 4 last fall), then she strongly recommends IVF. My big hesitation about IVF has always been the money. We met with the financial person and got the breakdown on costs: $7,950 for all office visits, ultrasounds, procedures and blood work. Then there is the a la carte choices like embryo freezing, ICSI, embryo storage fees. Medications are separate and run between $3,000 and $5,000. So when all is said and done - one cycle = about $13,000. Right now I am paying about $400 per IUI cycle as they have been billing my u/s as diagnostic. However, if we do IUI with injectables(because I am "way beyond" clomid) then costs for IUI would run about $5,000. The stinker part of the IUI is there would not be a guarantee that I will ovulate on the left, so that $5,000 might as well be flushed down the toilet. At least with IVF we would bypass the tubes (or tube, rather).

So how do we pay for this, if we decide to move forward? The nurse practitioner patted me on the leg at one point and told me that if I worked at the big scary teaching/research hospital then IVF treatments are covered up to $35,000. As soon as I got home I looked on the job postings, and there is a couple of positions open on their childbirth center. C (who right now owns his own business) really stepped up to the plate and said that he would look for full or part time work at the big scary hospital too. He said that I was shouldering enough of this burden, that it shouldn't all be on me to finance this too. I would marry him all over again! I also happen to look at IT postings and there are a couple of jobs that he would be suited for as well.

Now, there are quite a few positives about changing jobs for both of us, including opportunities for career advancement, increased pay, for me- access to state of the art medical technology and medical staff. The major negative is that the big scary hospital is an hour away. If C took a job there, we would lose our flexibility in scheduling daycare and quick getaways. If I took a job there, I would be away from home too much. Unless I worked there 20 hours per week (minimum hours for full benefits) and then worked per diem at my current hospital. There is so much to think about, I'm don't know how we will make this decision. I'm trying to just take this one step at a time. First we have to get through the lab work to see what we are dealing with. I'm guessing that we will not be really doing anything for at least a couple of months. There are some other options for creative financing, but I think that they would be a little irresponsible and potentially put us in the poor house.

"Ferility" clinic

Tomorrow is our appointment with the big scary (in)fertility clinic. I had mentioned my amusement of the whole "fertility" clinic idea to one of my co-workers. I think it is absurd, let's just call it what is it. My friend says "well maybe it is called a fertility clinic because they are trying to make you fertile". My response was so why don't they call a cancer clinic a "remission clinic". She didn't have much to say after that.

The last 24 hours have been brutal. Last night at work was a nightmare - 2 deliveries within 11 minutes of each other. It wouldn't be bad if there weren't only 2 nurses. And there are supposed to be 2 nurses in attendance for each delivery. Well, needless to say that did not happen, and I ended up with twice the amount of work. To make it even more fun, this all happened about an hour before the end of my shift...so I was there for another 2 1/2 hours past the end of my shift finishing up paperwork. As one of the docs said last night - the medical profession has finally come to the point where it takes longer to do the paperwork involved than it does to actually treat the patient - so true.

Anyway, I'm spotting ever so slightly. The kind that no one but an infertile would notice. So, I guessing that AF will arrive in the next day or so. I am trying to get all the paperwork gathered and Z's clothes and lunch ready for tomorrow so we can leave without a hitch nice and early.

I'm sorry that I have not been commenting on many blogs in this last week- I just haven't had the energy. I AM reading, and SO thrilled for those of you who are basking in the glow of BFPs.

Signs *with update*

So I have been fretting about whether or not to POAS tomorrow. I didn't even have any hpt at home so if I decide that yes I will take the plunge, I needed to go to the drug store before work tonight. If I do POAS, that means that I have some hope that we did what feels like the impossible- make a baby the good ol' fashioned way - no drugs no monitoring. If I do host that hope, it is so small. If I POAS then, if even for a moment, my hopes will rise and I will likely crash. Is it worse to take the test and be disappointed now, or wait and be disappointed when AF arrives? I'm not even sure why I feel the need to do a hpt - I don't feel pg. I haven't done any testing (beta or poas in a few months). We did not have a predictable cycle and our efforts were minimal. And yet....

....I did pick up 3 hpt. While I was in the store, the "family planning" isle was in disarray. When I turned the corner and saw boxes all over the floor and two employees moving shelves around I thought to myself "this is a sign....just keep walking". I did keep walking, but I walked right up to the mess. Fortunately the hpt were safely on the shelf, so I pondered only briefly then grabbed a box. My thoughts are racing, is this a bad idea? I feel like I am taking contraband to the register. As I am waiting at the check out there is a young dude trying to pay for some hard iced tea. He paid part in cash ($2) and wanted to put the remaining $5.03 on his debit card. The card was repeatedly declined. Finally he left - the person directly in front of me told the cashier that it was a sign that he shouldn't be drinking alcohol. What's with all the talk about "signs"!

Well, signs be damned, I even brought the hpt into work with me in case I had a strong desire to get it over with during the night. So I would love some opinions... waddya think I should do?

*Thanks for the reminder about mentioning dpo Artblog! I'm not really sure what dpo this is. Going strictly by one day of EWCM I would be 14 dpo today (Friday). I think I O'd early this month (on cd 9) but because I am doing absolutely no monitoring, I don't have a real good grasp on this cycle.

What's wrong with Carl?

Carl is a little 3 year old that will be in my daughter's pre-school class. Friday morning was "orientation", which was scheduled from 9-11. Carl did not make it for the entire session, and the time that he was there, he spent screaming. I am hoping that he is one of those kids that is an angel while in the care of others, but is most difficult for his parents. Because if he is like this all the time - there is going to have to be an intervention. Now, as much as I would like to think Z is perfect, I will concede that she has her moments. But they are short lived and usually easily resolved. Carl, well.....I think Carl has some problems.

The best part of orientation was meeting a mother that I really clicked with (the same one from the other night). The best part is that she is an "older" mom. She will be 40 next month. I find that most people my age have teenage kids, and the ones that have kids Z's age are in their 20's. I like to think that I am young at heart, and I do have friends that are much younger. But it would be nice to connect with someone who has had similar life experiences that is close to my age. I tried not to be too invasive, but I definitely want to pursue this friendship. She did mention that she thought our daughters would be "thick as thieves" so I'm sure there will be some play dates in our future.

We had a nice delivery at work tonight....then I had an emotional breakdown. It used to be hard to take care of the patients who were the extreme in poor pre-natal care - drug addicts, teenagers, etc. But these days it doesn't seem to matter what the history is, I just don't want to be around pregnant women (fellow bloggers excluded!). Now, since I am a labor and delivery nurse, that is a little hard to avoid. I suppose at the minimum I need a vacation or some kind of respite. I've been thinking about going to the Kripalu Yoga center for a weekend - but that can get a bit pricey. Maybe it's time for a Mommy and Daddy weekend away somewhere, or maybe I need to go away by myself - that sounds really good.

I still don't know what is going on with my cycle. I've only had one "episode" of adenomyosis pain and it was not very intense or lasting very long. Now and again I feel hope creeping in, but then I come to my senses. Besides - I don't want to become an anecdote: "I had a friend that went through infertility treatments and the month she didn't do anything is the month she got pregnant." I just might vomit if that is the case! I'm thinking that I will POAS on Friday the 7th. I will be 14 dp ewcm at that time.

Nope....

....still haven't talked to C. I just can't do it right now - too much on both of our plates to bring up such a sensitive subject...right now Scarlett O'Hara is my hero, for her ability to "think about it tomorrow".


Z and I had a relaxing day so yesterday - blueberry picking, shopping, lunch followed by ice cream*, then we both took a nap - her cuddled in my arms. Last night we went to a Parents Welcome Evening at Z's pre-school. We met the parents of a little girl named Sophia that will be in Z's class....I am secretly hoping that we will become fast friends - even though the mother has an infant and is remarkably thin - they just seem so nice. Z is very excited about going to school- I'm convinced that there is no way she can be old enough for this to happen already. She has "orientation" tomorrow and starts school next Tuesday- I'm sure I will be a basket case.

*The ice cream comment has made me wonder. I will do whatever I can to have another child - save financial ruin. I know that being overweight can affect fertility - so why is it that I can't lose weight? I am such an emotional eater. If I've had a bad day - it's "pass the Ben and Jerry's, please". Needless to say I have had emotional turmoil over IF for at least a year, and food has been my comfort. There was a time that exercise was cathartic for me. I ran 10K races, I trained with a body builder for awhile, and was proud of my body. Hah! That is so far from the truth these days - and the frustrating part of it is I know I can do it - I've done it before (much like pregnancy). I know that a big (no pun intended) factor is that C is very overweight as well, and not terribly motivated to exercise. I can't take this on alone, and if I can't motivate myself, how is it possible to motivate him? I also want to set a good example for my daughter of healthy eating habits and exercise.

The adenomyosis pain hasn't kicked in yet and I am what I think is 6 dpo (usually the pain starts on 3-4 dpo). I think that I am starting to get some PMS/early preg symptoms like tender bbs- so I have been walking around the house groping myself to make sure. All of this really hasn't done anything for my mental state. Did I imagine the EWCM? (hard to believe that - it was copious). Am I pregnant and the pain is already subsiding? Did all the mucking around with hormones over the last year make it impossible for me have a regular natural cycle? Do C and I need to start at it like rabbits again? (and that brings on a whole new set of questions). Am I in the 2ww? And if yes, when should I POAS? Argggghhhh - I think my head is going to explode.

Change

I'm considering a change....changing the name of this blog to "The Toilet Paper Diaries". My whole life seems to hang in the balance of what I find on the toilet paper. I was bounding along, just fine - even a little happy and light. Then the damn EWCM shows up and I am a mess. Why is it happening so early? Am I ovulating on the right this month? (4 in a row on the left seems like too much to ask). How can I completely rearrange my schedule - without messing up everyone else's- to accommodate this biological change that I have absolutely no control over? In one wipe I go from normal average human being to crazed IFer.

I was doing so well, but now that I haven't done any monitoring....I'm not sure what exactly I should be obsessing over right now. I am actually thankful for my adenomyosis pain, because if I start up with that in the next couple of days, I will know that I did really ovulate early. It is possible that I am in the 2ww right now, and don't even really know it. Maybe I will take Hez's advice and sleep as much as I can, to get through the next couple of weeks.

This weekend went well, hectic, but well. We have been shopping, out to eat, bowling, napping, watched a DVD, scattered with brief relaxation - and that was just Saturday. Sunday was more shopping, manicures with the nieces, errands, watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (or as Z calls it: Chitty Bang BANG), dinner, then the drive back to Vermont. It was quite the whirlwind weekend - it almost always is down there, but most enjoyable. Usually the kids are involved in so many activities that we don't get much time to sit down and talk for any period of time. My eldest niece is 13, and I was able to dole out some much needed advice about boys. I believe the pinnacle of the wisdom I bestowed was that at this age she should not date any boys that ride motorcycles. They are very good kids, but caught up in the "keeping up with the Jones" mentality that comes with living in an affluent community. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that 9 going on 10 years old is a little young to be seriously looking at purchasing a Coach purse.

So now we are back at our humble Vermont abode. I have the morning to myself which I may or may not spend cleaning. Warning: TMI shared in the following...... We had a botched "rendezvous" last night. Both of us were exhausted, and C had some performance issues. These seem to happening a little more frequently in the last couple of months. I know there is a lot of pressure, and I try not to make a big deal of it - because that only adds to the pressure....but when it happens, I am devastated. He only has ONE job in all of this- and of all the things that I endure - his job is not so bad - at least I hope it isn't! I don't feel like I can express to him exactly how big of a deal this is to me, because it will just add to the stress of the situation next time. This morning we hardly spoke. Right as he was walking out the door he grabbed me and gave me a big bear hug, which was needed, but then says "I feel kind of bad about last night". KIND OF?! I know I need to talk with him about this, but I am dreading it.

This is new

Well, I actually lost it tonight at work. I had two patients back to back that have less than desirable prenatal histories (I am putting that very mildly). Both smoke, one admitted to 1.5 packs per day - which we always assume that the patient under reports their actual amount. Both of course were unplanned pregnancies....I could go on, but I won't.

For the last few days I have been in a very good mental place. This "off" cycle has done wonders for me. And even though I know that I've been stressed, I had no idea to what extent until I threw my bbt chart out the window. Maybe it is the extra time in my schedule that I don't have to rush off to doctor's appointments! Maybe it is because the only thing in my "chickie" these days is my DH. (Did I go too far with that one?).

So after my mental collapse at work I go to the bathroom and have monster EWCM. WTF? It is only cd 9! I haven't had any CM changes since we started IUIs so this was a bit of a surprise to say the least. Now we are not doing any monitoring, but I was certainly going to give this the ol' natural try this month. CD9 ovulation does NOT fit into my social/sleep schedule. C is taking Z to the babysitter's this morning so I can sleep. I will only get maybe 4 hours of sleep then I pick her up, come home and pack so as soon as C gets home from work we will drive 2.5 hours to my brother's house for the weekend - where we are watching my 13 and 10 year old nieces for the weekend. So when do we fit in a rendezvous?

Thank you for being there....wherever you are

My poor DH. I have been alternating between a raving bitch and a pathetic wet blanket. The other day he took the afternoon off of work - originally it was going to be for a fun family outing, but it turned into a family errand day. He offered to take Z so I could have the afternoon to myself, but I decided that I really did not need to be alone with my thoughts. Errands with a tired 3 year old and a cranky 38 year old is not a good combination. The expedition ended on a high note - a margarita. (Although I started to get a bit peeved when C told me I should keep the drinks coming....because I needed to relax.....I tried to remind him that the last thing you tell an infertile is to RELAX!)

So now I am in the 4ww I guess. I am waiting for might RE appointment. I received a big ol' packet of information and questionnaires in the mail from the clinic which will keep me busy for a while. The strangest thing for me right now is that I'm not temping, not keeping track of anything. If it weren't for the ticker at the top of my blog, I wouldn't know what cd it is. It is mostly nice, but every once a while the thought creeps in that I am forgetting something....what was it again....oh, yah, I'm forgetting to obsess!

***********************************************
Well, it has taken me 4 days to write this post so far. I have been writing it incrementally and I am amazed at how little I have had to say and the time it has taken me to do so.

Yesterday I saw my therapist, I think she should have only charged me for 1/2 session, because I cried for at least half of it, no talking or therapy happening during that 1/2 hour! But I do feel better - okay, maybe the crying was therapeutic. The feeling of solitude is very overwhelming. I have always had a sufficient supply of friends that I could always find someone to call or visit and talk about my woes. Maybe its the getting older thing - every ones' lives have gone on and they are busy. Two of my good friends that are close in proximity have insane schedules. One is a mother of 4 (ranging from teenagers to age 8), and the other has an infant. I need someone IRL that I can sit down face to face and talk to.....there is really no one right now.....no one that I can rely on to be there at the drop of a hat. C is as always great, but as we all know, sometimes he would be the topic of discussion. Initially I talked about treatment with my friends at work - nobody more supportive than a labor and delivery nurse right? But the deeper I get into this, the less they understand, the more I here "just relax" or "a friend's husband lifted her upside down by her ankles and shook her....and she got pregnant!" (I'm not kidding about the last one...and if I hear it one more time, I will kick her in the shins). Blogging has been a blessing. I am astounded by how many times I read some one's blog and think - "THAT'S IT! I know exactly what they are feeling!" Artblog hit the nail on the head for me this week. I don't really know who I am anymore. Even looking at pictures of me now, the image doesn't match with they way I feel. I used to be the life of the party, easy going, kooky, up for almost any crazy adventure, athletic.....those all feel like distant memories right now. So thank you, thank you for blogging, thank you for commenting and sending hugs and positive thoughts. I don't think that I could make it through this journey without ya'll. There is certainly strength in numbers

ANYWAY, my therapist gave me the name of a massage therapist that does craniosacral therapy - now, in one of my previous careers I was a massage therapist, so while most people I know tend to think that there is "no such thing as a bad massage" I disagree. I am a total and complete massage snob, so I hope she is good.

That reminds me of a joke: How is pizza like sex?....when its good, its GREAT. And when its bad....its still pretty good. (ya know, now that I read that back.....it doesn't really apply after the first year of ttc - maybe it will be funny again one day.)

I have acupuncture this afternoon. It really hasn't helped specifically with my adenomyosis pain or obviously my infertility, but I do enjoy going. It helps my head....which is what I am concentrating on this month- no therapy for anything below the neck for me right now! My daughter provided me with some much needed laughing (and exercise) yesterday. I had just ordered the soundtrack from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" - one of my favorite movies of all times. We put on the music and I was surprised at her immediate reaction - to say she loved it would be a profound understatement. I played "Me Ol' Bam-Boo" about 10 times and the whole time we laughed and danced and ran around like maniacs, C came home from work in the middle of it all and just sat and watched us with a huge smile on his face. Sounds goofy, but it really was a beautiful moment.

Well, I'm off to have lunch with a friend (the one with 4 kids). We haven't sat down for a one on one talk in probably 6 months, maybe even more, I don't really want to be a downer and talk about IF, but it is such a major thing in my life - how can I not? She is one of those few people that when they ask you "So, how are you doing?" She really wants to know the answer.

Here we go again

cd 1.

Not temping. Still crying.

I'm off to my doctors' offices to sign a release so they can sent my records to the (in)fertility clinic.

Out damn spot

I have never cried so hard as I did last night. Right after I clicked the button to publish my last post I went to the bathroom....I'm sure you can see where this is going. There was the faintest of faint spot on the TP. This is how AF usually starts for me. Now, a "normal" woman would probably never even notice this, but as I'm sure all IFers do when expecting AF I would get out a microscope if I had one at each trip to the loo. So the tears just start pouring out of me. I went to bed a proceeded to sob for the next hour. My body was literally shaking - I don't think I have ever cried like that. C just sat there and rubbed my back. I'm glad he didn't ask too many questions, I certainly was in no shape to form words. It took me a couple of minutes to be able to tell him why I was crying. All I said was "I'm spotting".

My parents have been staying with us for the last few days, so when I woke up I had to face my mother all puffy eyed. We ended up having a very good conversation over lunch about the latest in my infertility adventures. She told me that she lost 2 babies because she had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. I never knew this. I told her that I am considering a hysterectomy to solve my adenomyosis pain when we know that we are done with my uterus. My mother had a hysterectomy when she was 39 and told me that it really affected her sexual pleasure. Holy crap! My mother and I DO NOT talk like this. Let me give you a little background. When I was a senior in high school, this was my mother's idea of having the big "sex talk" with me. Mother: "Do you have a questions?" Me: "NO!" Mother: "Let me know if you do". That is as close to talking about sex as we get. But wait - it gets better. She continues to tell me that she has never really been a sexual person and that she would much rather cuddle. But my father on the other hand he is "a real physical person". Me: "Ok, Mom, we just crossed the line". We quickly changed subject. She still thinks that Z is the perfect child (she is) and that it is no big deal that we don't have another. I tried to explain to her that it would be like giving up a 25 year old dream. I think she finally understood when I told her that I love having a brother. When I was in college, my parents lived in Europe. This was back in a time when overseas phone calls cost $2/minute, so I didn't talk to them much. I relied on my brother during those times to dole out advice that I would normally go to my parents about. Family is so important to me and I want to leave that legacy with my daughter.

Anyway, back to the spot. Needless to say I did not POAS (don't have one at home anyway) and I did not call my doctor to talk to him about a beta. I have had more one episode of the same - but actually an even more faint spot and nothing else. I was really expecting to see AF in full glory today....so now my hope goes up a little....but unfortunately I am at the end of my post and I am once again going to go to the bathroom....wish me luck.....

Advice needed

So it is the early morning of the 15th. Still no AF, temp came back up a little today (to 97.8) but I also only had 4 hours of sleep. Dr. O.T. said this was the day for the beta, but I don't know if this is too early. I am 15dpiui, I'm guessing 13dpo. I know I could still get a false negative if I POAS, but is this an appropriate time for b/w?

I have decided to not go back to this doctor for further treatment. As I have said, I work with him and I see how he treats his patients - without much regard usually. I have seen him cut an episiotomy on a women who was yelling "you're not going to cut me are you?" His latest shenanigans have involved a medical review of a case. He is so close to retirement he can smell it and I think he is mentally checked out. Now, he used to teach at Georgetown, and he has been an OB for 45 years - he's no slouch, and I actually really like him during casual conversation. I just think he has his own agenda when it comes to patient care and I no longer want to put the fate of my pregnancy in his hands. SO, my appointment with the RE is Sept 12. I think we will probably take this cycle off - but I am worried about not temping, worried that I would be losing some bit of vital information for our next step. For those of you who have done IUIs - what kind of importance does your RE place on bbt?

The case of the missing zit

I usually get a monster zit the week before AF. It's one of those large underground ones that pop up in the strangest places; behind the ear, in the hairline on the back of my neck, in my nose crease. Sometimes it is right in plain site on my chin or forehead. So far - no zit. I am expecting AF either today or tomorrow so my obsessing is really kicking into high gear. My bbt has also been very strange this month. My highest temp was only 98.2 and it has dropped a few tenths slowly over the last couple of days. I can't really tell when it has gone below coverline, and there hasn't been the dramatic shifts that I usually see - and I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

C and I had an interesting conversation the other day about our long term plans. We go to the RE next month, but we both agree we will only do 2 more IUIs- unless something is revealed in further testing that would make it worth our while to do a couple more. IVF is probably not in the picture for us, unless we come into a windfall of money. We really need to have an expiration date on our efforts to conceive one way or the other because the only definitive treatment for my adenomyosis is a hysterectomy. I cannot continue to live with this pain month after month, it is affecting my work, my relationships and at times my ability to care for Z. We've discussed adoption, even before there were IF issues. But, the more I read about adoption, the more I am discouraged. It could be years before an infant was available, I know there are older children that need good homes, but I can't quite conceptualize adopting a toddler or school aged child. It feels so selfish to admit that, but right now that is how I feel. I find it amusing (not really the right word) that the advice-givers of the world will tell the IFers to "just adopt". Like it is as easy as going to the store to pick out the perfect child. Do they not understand that 1. it can be more expensive than IVF, 2. many children have significant maternal histories of mental illness or substance abuse, 3. adoption is not a sure thing - especially for us older folks 4. the potential complications of inter-racial adoptions (which would most likely be the case), anyway the list goes on. I feel like Debbie Downer, but this is the reality. Adoption is no longer the "fall back plan" that many people think it is.

So then I think of Z being an only child and it breaks my heart. The other day we were at a park and she followed 3 sisters around, too timid to jump right in a play with them - but wanting to be invited. I'm not ready to accept that she will be an only child, we may be coming to the end of IF treatments, and adoption is looking bleak. So where does that leave me/us - in limbo I guess. How do people do this? How do people make these incredible life decisions? I'm not one to pussyfoot around either. Make a decision. Start action. It should be that easy. Of course rattling around in the back of my head is the thought that if I start having these conversations, making the appointments and starting a new plan, then I won't really need it, that I will finally have my BFP.

Numb

My boss passed away today.

I can't wrap my brain around it. She had gotten a clean bill of health a month ago.

Not much else to say today.

Smack dab in the middle of the 2ww

Yes, the trip to the ER was quite scary...and all my nursing experience goes right out the window when a member of my family is involved. I remember several years ago - must be about 8 years now. We were at a family party and my niece was running with a lollipop stick or something in her mouth and she tripped. Mouth/facial injuries are almost always quite bloody and this was not exception. She had blood dripping out of her mouth onto her white shirt. Needless to say the family turns to me, thinking that I will jump in and start doing some first aid. Meanwhile, I was in the corner of the room, sitting down with my head between my knees because I thought I was going to pass out. ANYWAY, Z is perfectly fine. But we still have not found teddy- it was a homemade bear that my MIL had made for my baby shower. She is going to make another one (two actually), but it won't be the same.

My adenomyosis pain kicked in last night. It's pretty bad so far. Not really frequent, but quite intense. I have had virtually no temperature shift this month. My temp has not gone above 98.0! I'm a little concerned, but trying not to think of it too much. I am 7 dpiui. So far I have not been obsessing too much, but it feels like forever until the 15th.

Charcoal and Chocolate Milk

I arrive at work tonight and a fellow co-worker says "Call home right now, it's important". Well, that is never a good sign. So the call home goes something like this

C: "Z took one of my blood pressure pills" (50 mg of metoprolol) "What should I do?"
Me: "Call the doctor, you may need to come into the ER"
C: "But I was just about to give her a bath"
Me: "I don't care, she could have cardiac symptoms."
C: "Oh, ok"

C calls the doctor and he says "Hmmm, I've never heard of a child taking metoprolol. Why don't you just monitor her pulse." C does not know what he is looking for, so the brilliant doctor tells him to "watch for signs of fatigue" - it is her bedtime.....she is supposed to be fatigued.

So I call poison control, and they recommend that she be seen in the ER. By the time I get someone to watch my patients for me, she has been in the ER for about 30 minutes. When I walk in she is disheveled - hair all crazy because apparently a quick bath was necessary before the trip to the ER. And she has black streaks all over her face and hands. "Show mommy your tongue!", it is black as night. She ended up drinking 16 oz of charcoal (mixed with chocolate milk) to absorb any medication that was still in her stomach. C and Z were in the ER for about 4 hours, monitoring her heart rate and blood pressure. She is absolutely fine. In fact she was quite lively at 11:30 pm when they left - I guess all that chocolate milk (and charcoal) will get a little one wired!

I was a wreck, and C is feeling extremely guilty. But everything turned out fine in the end - except now her favorite teddy bear is missing.

Stress, blood pressure and therapy

Stop me if you've heard this one before. In order to lower C's blood pressure/stress he feels that I should start seeing my therapist again. Let me repeat that: he is stressed, so I need therapy. I don't know how, but I actually laughed when I heard this! I suppose that I would not have found it very funny had I not just called her earlier in the day. I repeated back to him what he was proposing, and to his credit he did say "well, you put it like that, it doesn't sound right". I made the suggestion that maybe he should make an appointment....he is not unwilling, but is quick to say that he feels like he deals with his stress just fine and he doesn't think he would learn anything....but if it will make me feel better then he will go. Hell, don't do it for me - that isn't the point. This all came up at his doctor's appointment today. He was recently put on blood pressure medication and this was just a follow up. Part of the discussion was about how he was handling stress and it's affect on blood pressure.

I'm not sure how far to push this idea of C seeking therapy. I'm a big fan of it myself. Someone once told me that it was like taking a class and the subject was all about you. I think C has issues that he has not dealt with. Many years before I was in the picture he was engaged. She died in a car accident on her way to see him. That has got to leave a mark. He collects things....lots of things...baseball cards, comic books, DVDs, first addition books, state quarters....etc. Some of the collecting has gone a little too far. We must have at least 800 DVDs. I think it is unnatural. He is also overweight and has been most of his life, there is certainly some genetic disposition, as he is built just like his mother, but there has to be an emotional component as well. I think therapy would help - if he would let it. If he is going to go into it with the attitude that there is nothing that he can learn, then why bother.

This is going to sound like a stupidly obvious statement, but this last year and a half has been very stressful on our relationship. I don't have much sympathy for him when he's having a bad day. "Try getting poked and prodded, and hopped up on hormones, followed by intense pain and ultimately devastating disappointment every month" is usually what I am thinking when he starts complaining about a difficult client. I'm not really playing the supportive wife role very well right now. It is a vicious cycle. He is stressed because I am stressed. I get stressed because he plays computer games entirely too much for my liking versus basic household maintenance, and he is playing computer games because it is one of his ways to relieve stress. We actually had a very pleasant conversation about all of this, not emotional, I didn't cry or get pissed off - an accomplishment for me.

We won't really have any time to sit down and talk about this anymore until Monday or Tuesday night as I am working all weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. When I have this schedule, I pretty much just work and sleep.

Phone Calls

I just did a scary thing. I made an appointment at the "big" hospital at an actual (in)fertility clinic. I am only 3dpiui, but I am anticipating the next step. My temperatures have not really elevated, so now I am questioning what really happened in the 36 hours between trigger and IUI. Knowing that sometimes it can be awhile to get an appointment, I decided to be proactive. The consultation is on September 12. Another reason for making the call is that I am beginning to trust my doctor less and less. It doesn't help that I work with him and I see how he treats other patients. He has done a couple of things this last week that I would consider negligent. That is not the kind of practitioner that I want mucking around with my innards, and holding the fate of a pregnancy in his hands. As I have said before, I don't think that he knows my case very well, and does not really listen to my concerns - so off I go to change doctors once again. I still have hope that I will need to cancel aforementioned appointment, but just in case I will start collecting all my records.

I've been quite busy on the phone today actually. The insurance company even gave me some good news - well, not bad news - for me to go to the big fancy teaching hospital will only cost me a $200 deductible plus 20%. Insurance should cover the consultation and anything that is diagnostic, but no treatments. I'll jump off that bridge if/when we get there. Speaking of jumping off of bridges, I also called my therapist - unfortunately she is out of town on a family emergency.....so I don't know when I'll hear back from her. I also called my acupuncturist - I haven't seen her in months. My final phone call was to the preschool that Z is starting in the fall to find out the schedule for the first couple of weeks. She will be going to "orientation" on Aug 30.

Life Lessons Found in Blueberry Bushes

Toady is 1 dpiui! And I'm in the infamous 2ww. Last night went without a hitch. Everything from childcare to specimen collection to procedure went amazingly well. The IUI itself, which usually is quite painful for me, was just fine - no squeezing C's hand or making facial contortions as Dr. O.T. was pulling my cervix forward....thank you retroverted uterus. Also, C's swimmers looked good. So as we were driving home, I had a wave of optimism and hope....but of course I did not want to say as much - I don't want to jinx it.

So this morning Z and I headed up the hill to the IL's. They have a pick your own blueberry farm with about 300 bushes. The picking has been amazing - blueberries the size of grapes (large grapes). Of course Z eats as much as she picks, and she has a grand time. One of the things that has always fascinated me is that you can stand in one spot and pick for awhile, then you when you think you have picked that bush empty, if you change your position even ever so slightly, you may find an untapped batch - that was right under your nose. So my lesson that I re-learned today was: if you change you perspective - even just a little, you may find opportunities that you never even knew were there. I am trying to apply this to my IUI. If it fails again, then I am going to need to start looking at my life a little differently - who knows what I might find.

In the meantime, beta is set for August 15 if no AF. I'm trying not to obsess, but I feel pretty good about this one - why is that so scary to admit?

I'm drinkin' in the blog water!

As Artblog said - there is definitely something in the blog water out there....so where do I get some? I went into my u/s appointment today (cd10) totally prepared to talk about endometrial biopsy. After all what would be the likelihood that I would ovulate on my left three times in a row? Well, whatever the chances are - I'm doing it! I've got one big ol' fat 21.9 mm follie on the left that qualified me for a trigger today. I wasn't even planning on this being a day for any kind of action. Now my mind is in a bit of a whirlwind thinking about timing for the next day and a half. I work tonight, and I am off tomorrow - so I don't have to worry about getting coverage for tomorrow. We will IUI at 9 pm, so maybe Z could go up to the IL's and have a little sleep over. Then bam, I'll be in the 2ww.....again.

I've been in a bit of a mental fog lately and I have been very slow to action. I have a presentation on Thursday (that I have known about for about 6 weeks). I have a lot of information in my head, but nothing down on paper. I had been relying on slow nights at work to finish/start some of this, but it has been quite busy. Guess, I'm going to have to buckle down and get this finished....but not right now. Now I am going to bask in the joy that is "hope and possibility". Those two emotions come around so infrequently these days that I don't want to be a bad hostess and brush them off.

Good luck to all of you out there - go find some blog water.

!@#%&!

I used to swear like a sailor, as I've "matured" I have toned down my outbursts quite a bit. But this deserves a big huge "FUCK!" I just found out tonight that my manager, who was diagnosed to leukemia in November is in the hospital, and things are not looking good. She is having some very intensive chemo for the next week. According to a co-worker, she is hoping that is will work long enough to get her affairs in order. In case you're wondering - this is in addition to my dear co-worker friend who has had a recurrence of breast cancer. I just want to crawl under a rock. Nothing like a big one-two punch of cancer to make infertility feel like a walk in the park. There is entirely too much crying go on here at work - especially since we deal primarily in the joy of life.

I've been feeling some twinges on my right.....I've got a feeling it is going to be on off month for us. So far I'm not really disappointed in the thought of this, just a little numb. What's one more month at this point right?

alone

So I've been surfing around, clicking on links from links of blogs. There appears to be a lot of pregnant infertiles out there! Now, somewhere in me I am happy for them. Somewhere closer to the surface there is the thought "this is good news, treatments actually do work". But what is bubbling up is "damn-it, why not me?" I spent a good part of the day with a dear friend who has a 5 month old. We started ttc 6 months before they did, and it was an "oops, we didn't think we could get pregnant this fast" situation. My daughter was fascinated with the baby. She has seen her before, but this was the first time they had this much time to interact. My daughter was stroking her face, bringing her toys, laughing and singing to her. While the vision of this initially warmed my heart, I suddenly was quite sad - this is how she would be to a little brother or sister. Later I held her in my arms and for the first time seriously let myself wonder what our life would be like if Z was an only child.

I am feeling very alone today. Alone in my sadness, grief, and worry. Reading blogs usually helps, but I keep on ending up on pages of women who are newly pregnant.

I'd like a couple more, please

So welcome to cd3. Did I mention that I am already not optimistic about this cycle? Maybe if I set me expectations low, then I might be pleasantly surprised. Dr. O.T. was not even in the room for 2 minutes when he asked "So how many more times are we going to do this?" What the hell?! We've done 2 cycles of IUI, one with a poor sperm count, and one with a larger follicle on the side without a fallopian tube. Am I asking too much to do this at least a couple more times before I consider spending money that we don't have? His retirement is imminent - sometime in September, so I only have 2 more potential times with him, then what does he care what I do? I feel like he is not really paying attention to the details of my situation- not a terribly reassuring quality in a doctor is it? For example, I talked to him about my lining and lack of CM changes since the trigger injections. He doesn't think anything of the lack of CM at ovulation, and as far as the lining goes - he thinks it is "just fine". So why did he tell me last month that the likely reason for my bizarre AF was a poor lining? He asked if I had had an endometrial biopsy, which I have not. But then says he doesn't want to do one and waste a cycle. So I suggest that if I ovulate on the right side this month, can we do the biopsy. He says "Oh, that's a good idea - you're really thinking about this aren't you?" Dumbass.....this is ALL I think about!

So that is the plan as of now. I start clomid 50 mg tonight. US again on cd10 (Monday). If there are promising follicles on the left, then we do another IUI, if follicles on the right we will do an endometrial biopsy around cd24. Dr. O.T. all but ran out the door after the US, so I didn't get a chance to ask him what they would be looking for with the biopsy. I'm sure that I will start surfing the net for an answer, but if anyone can give me some advice or information, I would greatly appreciate it.

By the way, I've been meaning to mention the honor that was bestowed to our little state - Springfield, VT - home of the Simpsons! They had the movie premier in a LITTLE theatre, and all over town it is Simpsons mania. I passed a diner today that had specials of "Bart's Breakfast Buffet" and "Homer's Haddock". Simpsons' cut outs are all over town - it is hysterical!

Margaritas

We are back from a whirlwind weekend in Boston. Spent the day with my best friend J and family. I had never met her 2 year old son, but he jumped right into my arms and gave me a huge hug - what a love. The kids had a grand time. We had to pull them out of the museum almost screaming to move on to other adventures. As much fun as we had with the whole family, and watching the kids at the museum and the aquarium, the best part of the weekend was sitting in the hotel bar, just J and I, drinking margaritas. I haven't seen her in 3 years and even though we talk on the phone and email, it's just not the same as actual face to face time. On the drive back to VT, C asked when I wanted to go visit them in Texas....."immediately" was my reply.

So I am on cd2. I guess I'll call tomorrow for my cd3 us. AF is not as bizarre as it was last month, but I am still concerned about my lining. I meant to call the RE's office to see how long it would take to get an appointment. The last thing I want right now is to make the difficult decision to change providers again, and have a delay in moving forward because I didn't call soon enough for an appointment.

I am chipping away at my list - so far I have done pilates once, looked for a new knitting project, and picked up a new book. I'm well on my way to being the new/old me!

Ode to...

My sweet Marya. Who died 3 years ago today. I am still reeling from the loss of her physical presence in my life. It breaks my heart that my daughter will never know her. The best I can do to honor her life is to try to teach my daughter the lessons Marya taught me. She was fiercely loyal, the quintessential kooky girl, always loving, never afraid to stand up for herself no matter what, strong, proud, beautiful, spiritual - the qualities that I would love for Z to adopt. The following is one of Mar's favorite quotes, it is from the CD jacket of Loreena McKennitt's "Book of Secrets"

• I wonder if one of the most important steps on our journey is the one in which we throw away the map. In jettisoning the grids and brambles of our own preconceptions, perhaps we are better able to find the real secrets of each place.......


• From all journeys, be they imaginative or geographic, the most important souvenirs to be collected are the reminders that people's lives are fortified by family and friends, by our ability to create our lives like creating a piece of art, and by our efforts to reconcile our material needs with the importance of our connections to each other.

Pictures from our first time spelunking (at Indian Oven, Millerton, NY 7/2/2000)



Me and Mar at her cabin (I'm on the right)



Yes, we are.
Marya with my nieces.
(you can click on the pictures to make them bigger).

Mar, I will light a candle for you today and listen to the Indigo Girls "Galelio". I miss you every day.

New direction?

My temp dropped a little more again today. I'm anticipating AF either later today or tomorrow. The likelihood of me ovulating on the left again I think is slim, so I am preparing myself mentally for an off cycle. Of course we still do clomid, and won't know until cd 8-9 or so if this one is a bust. I'm starting to have some doubts about continuing with Dr. O.T. even for one more cycle. He wants us (C) to abstain from ANY "activity" starting on cd 3. From everything that I have heard, 48-72 hours prior to IUI is plenty. In light of C's last specimen, I think that we had a case of DSB (deadly sperm buildup). Maybe we'll just have our own schedule this next time...assuming that there is a next time.

Our only other option is to go to an RE that is at least an hour away. My regular OB had told me that they would probably want to do there own testing, and u/s which means a whole lot of driving time and money. My first thought is that maybe I could just take some vacation time during the anticipated week of u/s and IUI, but we are SO short staffed right now it would not be approved. PLUS, that means a $500 deductible and then 20% of regular visits, but 100% of anything that "induces pregnancy". I wonder if they would pay for the IUIs that have not in fact induced pregnancy? It only makes sense doesn't it? We want a child so desperately that the idea of money coming into factor make me want to vomit.

So I'm feeling pretty beaten down. More in a daze than anything else - not wallowing in depression or anger - yet. Although I did have some words for C when innocently enough he asked "what's wrong" last night - hmmmmm, let me think. Oh yah, I have slept a whopping 3.75 hours, a good friend is starting chemo tomorrow, Z was a nightmare to put to bed and I left her screaming her bloody head off - which breaks my heart to do, the house is a mess and AF is on the way for a visit, 3 years ago Friday Marya died, I have just come off a hellish week's worth of work, and C spent the evening talking fantasy baseball on the phone. "No, honey, everything is just fine." Ok so I didn't say that, but my sarcastic side wanted to so badly.

So I feel like I need to do something else, change the direction of my life, if even ever so slightly. I have already tried months and months of acupuncture, maybe I'll go back to the massage route - certainly couldn't hurt at this point right? I also feel like I have lost my joy lately - doing the things that make me happy. So here in front of all my bloggy friends I am declaring that I will take time for me.

I will start:

• yoga and/or pilates again
• spending more time outside
• reading books for entertainment vs education
• listening to music that touches my soul
• knitting again
• to connect with old friends - even if they are pregnant or have an infant
• spend more time with C that doesn't involve running errands or talking about the checkbook
• getting back into some amateur photography

Reading those back, it is a modest list. But they are things that I am not doing right now, and I miss them terribly.

BBT *with UPDATE*

For those of you who are charting bbt, I have a question. During the first 3 months I used a tympanic thermometer - not the best I know, but my regular oral digital thermometer always read REALLY low - like 95. The big problem with the tympanic is that I toss and turn and if I take my temperature in the ear that was on the pillow the temp is falsely high. Sometimes I wake up and have no idea which side I was just on. This last month I ordered an oral, non-mercury thermometer specifically for bbt (it even came with a packet of baby dust). The fact that I have to take my temp for 5 minutes with this thing is inconvenient especially when I have to tend to my daughter and she can't wait 5minutes while I lie idle in bed. This new thermometer also seems to read a little low, and I have had greater temperature variations this month (don't know if it is the instrument or the cycle). I also take my temperature at all different times of the day because of my schedule. Sometimes I take my temp at 7:30 am, other times 5:00 pm. Dr. O.T. says that as long as it is after I have had about 5 hours of sleep (which I do not always get).

So - I would love to hear input on what ya'll are using - including the brand name if possible. Are other MDs relying heavily on bbt? Thanks!

I did talk to my friend before I came to work tonight and she is in amazingly good spirits. She starts chemo this week. I'm so glad that I made the effort to call. It is a difficult line to walk, where I want her to know that I am concerned but I don't want to be bawling. I also don't want to be too jokey and give the impression that I don't understand the seriousness of the situation. In the end, there was a nice balance of tears and laughter.

It's hard to believe the 2ww is almost over - fastest one ever! J wants me to poas Saturday morning so if possible we can have a couple (few?) adult beverages that night. I'm a little afraid that the way this week has gone, if I get a BFN if I start drinking, I might not be able to stop!

*UPDATE*
I had a temperature drop today (12/13 dpiui). It was significant 0.8 degrees, and I had only slept for about 4 hours. So it looks like I'll be able to have that drink(s) this weekend with my ol' college drinkin' pal J after all.