The case of the missing zit

I usually get a monster zit the week before AF. It's one of those large underground ones that pop up in the strangest places; behind the ear, in the hairline on the back of my neck, in my nose crease. Sometimes it is right in plain site on my chin or forehead. So far - no zit. I am expecting AF either today or tomorrow so my obsessing is really kicking into high gear. My bbt has also been very strange this month. My highest temp was only 98.2 and it has dropped a few tenths slowly over the last couple of days. I can't really tell when it has gone below coverline, and there hasn't been the dramatic shifts that I usually see - and I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

C and I had an interesting conversation the other day about our long term plans. We go to the RE next month, but we both agree we will only do 2 more IUIs- unless something is revealed in further testing that would make it worth our while to do a couple more. IVF is probably not in the picture for us, unless we come into a windfall of money. We really need to have an expiration date on our efforts to conceive one way or the other because the only definitive treatment for my adenomyosis is a hysterectomy. I cannot continue to live with this pain month after month, it is affecting my work, my relationships and at times my ability to care for Z. We've discussed adoption, even before there were IF issues. But, the more I read about adoption, the more I am discouraged. It could be years before an infant was available, I know there are older children that need good homes, but I can't quite conceptualize adopting a toddler or school aged child. It feels so selfish to admit that, but right now that is how I feel. I find it amusing (not really the right word) that the advice-givers of the world will tell the IFers to "just adopt". Like it is as easy as going to the store to pick out the perfect child. Do they not understand that 1. it can be more expensive than IVF, 2. many children have significant maternal histories of mental illness or substance abuse, 3. adoption is not a sure thing - especially for us older folks 4. the potential complications of inter-racial adoptions (which would most likely be the case), anyway the list goes on. I feel like Debbie Downer, but this is the reality. Adoption is no longer the "fall back plan" that many people think it is.

So then I think of Z being an only child and it breaks my heart. The other day we were at a park and she followed 3 sisters around, too timid to jump right in a play with them - but wanting to be invited. I'm not ready to accept that she will be an only child, we may be coming to the end of IF treatments, and adoption is looking bleak. So where does that leave me/us - in limbo I guess. How do people do this? How do people make these incredible life decisions? I'm not one to pussyfoot around either. Make a decision. Start action. It should be that easy. Of course rattling around in the back of my head is the thought that if I start having these conversations, making the appointments and starting a new plan, then I won't really need it, that I will finally have my BFP.