My poor DH. I have been alternating between a raving bitch and a pathetic wet blanket. The other day he took the afternoon off of work - originally it was going to be for a fun family outing, but it turned into a family errand day. He offered to take Z so I could have the afternoon to myself, but I decided that I really did not need to be alone with my thoughts. Errands with a tired 3 year old and a cranky 38 year old is not a good combination. The expedition ended on a high note - a margarita. (Although I started to get a bit peeved when C told me I should keep the drinks coming....because I needed to relax.....I tried to remind him that the last thing you tell an infertile is to RELAX!)
So now I am in the 4ww I guess. I am waiting for might RE appointment. I received a big ol' packet of information and questionnaires in the mail from the clinic which will keep me busy for a while. The strangest thing for me right now is that I'm not temping, not keeping track of anything. If it weren't for the ticker at the top of my blog, I wouldn't know what cd it is. It is mostly nice, but every once a while the thought creeps in that I am forgetting something....what was it again....oh, yah, I'm forgetting to obsess!
***********************************************
Well, it has taken me 4 days to write this post so far. I have been writing it incrementally and I am amazed at how little I have had to say and the time it has taken me to do so.
Yesterday I saw my therapist, I think she should have only charged me for 1/2 session, because I cried for at least half of it, no talking or therapy happening during that 1/2 hour! But I do feel better - okay, maybe the crying was therapeutic. The feeling of solitude is very overwhelming. I have always had a sufficient supply of friends that I could always find someone to call or visit and talk about my woes. Maybe its the getting older thing - every ones' lives have gone on and they are busy. Two of my good friends that are close in proximity have insane schedules. One is a mother of 4 (ranging from teenagers to age 8), and the other has an infant. I need someone IRL that I can sit down face to face and talk to.....there is really no one right now.....no one that I can rely on to be there at the drop of a hat. C is as always great, but as we all know, sometimes he would be the topic of discussion. Initially I talked about treatment with my friends at work - nobody more supportive than a labor and delivery nurse right? But the deeper I get into this, the less they understand, the more I here "just relax" or "a friend's husband lifted her upside down by her ankles and shook her....and she got pregnant!" (I'm not kidding about the last one...and if I hear it one more time, I will kick her in the shins). Blogging has been a blessing. I am astounded by how many times I read some one's blog and think - "THAT'S IT! I know exactly what they are feeling!" Artblog hit the nail on the head for me this week. I don't really know who I am anymore. Even looking at pictures of me now, the image doesn't match with they way I feel. I used to be the life of the party, easy going, kooky, up for almost any crazy adventure, athletic.....those all feel like distant memories right now. So thank you, thank you for blogging, thank you for commenting and sending hugs and positive thoughts. I don't think that I could make it through this journey without ya'll. There is certainly strength in numbers
ANYWAY, my therapist gave me the name of a massage therapist that does craniosacral therapy - now, in one of my previous careers I was a massage therapist, so while most people I know tend to think that there is "no such thing as a bad massage" I disagree. I am a total and complete massage snob, so I hope she is good.
That reminds me of a joke: How is pizza like sex?....when its good, its GREAT. And when its bad....its still pretty good. (ya know, now that I read that back.....it doesn't really apply after the first year of ttc - maybe it will be funny again one day.)
I have acupuncture this afternoon. It really hasn't helped specifically with my adenomyosis pain or obviously my infertility, but I do enjoy going. It helps my head....which is what I am concentrating on this month- no therapy for anything below the neck for me right now! My daughter provided me with some much needed laughing (and exercise) yesterday. I had just ordered the soundtrack from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" - one of my favorite movies of all times. We put on the music and I was surprised at her immediate reaction - to say she loved it would be a profound understatement. I played "Me Ol' Bam-Boo" about 10 times and the whole time we laughed and danced and ran around like maniacs, C came home from work in the middle of it all and just sat and watched us with a huge smile on his face. Sounds goofy, but it really was a beautiful moment.
Well, I'm off to have lunch with a friend (the one with 4 kids). We haven't sat down for a one on one talk in probably 6 months, maybe even more, I don't really want to be a downer and talk about IF, but it is such a major thing in my life - how can I not? She is one of those few people that when they ask you "So, how are you doing?" She really wants to know the answer.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment