Here we go....again

We are officially off and running with IVF#3. Actually I guess I was officially in it when I started BCPs, but it never feels real until I break out the needles. I started with L.upron 20u today, decrease on the 29th, baseline on 12/31, stims on 1/3, follow up u/s 1/9, and ER week of 1/12. Our big decision (if we get to make it) is do we continue with 5dt or switch to 3dt? I know that most people are happier getting to a 5dt. We have been blessed to have enough embies to make that an option. I'm just starting to think "do we need to do something different this time?" No need to obsess about that right now I suppose. So I'm hoping for a smooth holiday season as I will be jacked up on L.upron for the entire couple of weeks. I keep on saying "third time's a charm". I'm in such a weird place emotionally right now. I have pretty much no expectations about how this cycle is going to turn out. I've had a negative cycle, we could get that again. On the other hand if it is positive, doesn't mean that we will stay pregnant. The scariness about the process has worn off so I am certainly less anxious. I also can plan a little bit ...we all know how I LOVE to plan! The only thing that I am going to adamant about this cycle is that when they start my IV for ER that it be done either by the IV team or anesthesia....I don't need to be a pin cushion on that day.

The Cinderella Castle all aglow!

Z getting a big hug from her favorite princess

Our family

Z after her Princess Makeover at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique

Our Disney trip was incredible!!!! (Aside from the fact that I got AF in full force when I was in the airplane bathroom with my daughter). The weather was great. Z was spoiled rotten and treated like a princess the entire week. Anyone traveling to Disney around the holidays - I would HIGHLY recommend going to the "Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party" at the Magic Kingdom. It is an evening event that you can get into the park at 4 pm until midnight. Because there are limited tickets, there are virtually no lines and we almost walked right on to most of the rides (the kiddie rides anyway). We had pictures taken with a whole bunch of characters, the Christmas parade was out of this world and the fireworks were breath taking. We enjoyed it so much that we ended up going back for a second night, and my DH is already planning our next trip down there in two years. (Of course I'm doing the IVF math and thinking that would include a 14 month old). We came back to New England in time for a snow storm and hit the ground running with organizing the holiday madness.

May latest adventure was my slip and fall on the ice. I had had a couple of stressful days at work, and on my next day off I woke up to a tremendous headache. I spent the morning doing everything I could think of to get rid of it. I drank coffee, took tylenol, put a hot pack on my neck and face, and did some pressure point treatment. While I was doing all of this Z was running around like a maniac, the guy who is now remodeling our master bathroom shower was bringing in all of his equipment and C had a friend over to help move a bunch of work related equipment out of the basement. My father-in-law was also buzzing around- not really sure what he was doing. Then my therapist calls (the one who does craniosacral work): "Didn't we have an appointment this morning?" I wanted to cry. I could have had this taken care of by a professional? Turns out she had a crack of time in her schedule to fit me in, so I ran into her office. When I got home I decided if I took a quick nap, then that would be the end of my headache. My daughter was with my mother-in-law at this point, and my house was now empty. Perfect! So I took a nap. I woke up, refreshed. Headache - gone, mission accomplished. I then went up the hill to pick up my daughter from my mother-in-law, get out of my car take about 15 steps, slip on a very small patch of ice, get sent off balance and take a couple of running steps forward to right myself. I never did regain my balance and as I'm falling I see the slate step that makes up my in-laws porch coming closer to my face. This is when I went into slow motion and the only thing that went through my mind was "surely I'm not going to hit THAT?!"

Crack.


I landed forehead first on that step. I thought for sure I had just split my head wide open. My husband can't listen to me tell the story, because the visual makes him sick to his stomach. Now, this fall was unobserved - thank goodness. I'm pretty sure if someone saw it they would either be horrified, or laughing hysterically unable to render aid. I was pretty shaken up and started to cry, I didn't want to take my hand off my head because I was sure there would be some major blood loss. Next thing I hear is my daughter yelling "Mommy fell down" and I can hear the panic in her voice. She didn't see it, she just saw me laying on the ground. ANYWAY, to make a tremendously long story short, I have a cut above my eye, that did not require any kind of stitches. My nickname at work is now "Egghead". And yesterday I noticed that my eyelid is now bruising and I'm getting a black eye, this morning when I woke up my eye was almost swollen shut, but quickly got better when I got upright. Let me tell you....I'm a vision!!!

Just kidding

So I saw one spot and declared yesterday cd1. Well, no such luck. Still awaiting for an out and out AF. Which will probably happen today, since it is a travel day and all, and the the first official day of our vacation.

So far it is not going off very well. Yesterday we travelled 2 1/2 hours to stay closer to the airport. We are not an early morning family and we would have had to get up around 4am to make our flight if we left directly from home. A friend of my husband owns a spare 2 family house that is currently vacant and only 20 minutes from the airport. We decided to stay there for the night, get up at 6 am and take a cab to the airport....sounds like a better plan right? Well, lets just say that the accommodations at this house are a bit lacking. C and I are/were sharing a full sized bed, scratch that, futon (vs. our gigantic king size bed at home). Z is sleeping on an egg crate mattress on the floor. The apartment is a nice sized 2 bedroom place, but it is mostly used as storage for C's friend. One false step could create a small avalache of boxes. So it is best to remain still in one area. I don't know if it was the bed, my head/neck ache, or the anticipation of missing the alarm, but I had the hardest time sleeping. I won't say that I didn't sleep at all, I think I did get in some cat napping. But at 3:00 am I finally gave up and got out of bed, cried a little and have been on the computer ever since (it is now 5:30...only 30 minutes before the alarm goes off!) Z has been up at least 3 times asking me to turn her music back on so she could go back to sleep. C had to get up and connect some cables so I could get on the internet.....my guess is that by 2 pm there will be a major meltdown...perhaps by me. So while I have the whole "Debbie Downer" act going, I will also mention that the forecast for Orlando today is Thunder Storms starting around noon (our plane is supposed to land at 11:49). These storms are to continue throughout the whole day....I am not liking the beginning of this vacation.

BUT, maybe my negativity is just because I have a headache, am freezing (wrapped in a large towel because I couldn't find any blankets...or the thermostat for that matter), anxious about AF, and have had no appreciable sleep. I need to just make up my mind to RELAX and enjoy. I will not complain about my early morning wakings or my sore/dizzy head (I'm putting that in writing, so I have to commit to it).

12 minutes until the alarm....better go get ready to wake up!

CD 1 - at long last

I can't remember a time when I was so eagerly waiting for AF to show. I was almost a week and a half late. Apparently this a normal occurrence after a failed IVF cycle, no one had told me that. I went in for my cycle review on Wednesday. The LPN that took my vital signs is, well lets just say she is not one of my favorites. She was in on the last retrieval and participated in the great let's make the patient a pin cushion fiasco. She is not terribly sensitive to the whole IVF process. One of her first questions: "So, you're not pregnant yet?" I told her that my period was late, but I was about as sure as I could be that I was not pregnant. We decided to do a pregnancy test, in my mind just to rule it out. But she started to get all excited about the prospect that I was pregnant. I kept thinking that this was not really appropriate for an IVF patient. So here is how the conversation went:

Nurse: That would be so exciting! You should wait and surprise your husband at Thanksgiving dinner!

Me: I really don't think that I'm pregnant, I just want to rule this out.

Nurse: Instead of bringing out the turkey, you could bring out a baby rattle on a platter!

Me: (smiling politely)

Nurse: Do you think you could wait until tomorrow to tell him?

Me (having ENOUGH of this conversation): Well, first off I am working all day tomorrow so there will be no Thanksgiving meal for me. Second, I was pregnant earlier this year and had a miscarriage so even if this test is positive, it will be many weeks before we feel like we could celebrate.

*Crickets chirping*

Nurse: Oh, of course, I understand.

I don't think she could have exited the room any faster. The rest of the review with the doctor went fine. We were only going to change my protocol to a lupron flare if I hadn't started my period by today. There was some talk about switching to a 3dt vs 5dt, if only to make a change to what we are doing, not because they feel like we need to. I'm going to play that one by ear. My RE says there are no differences in pregnancy rates with a 3dt vs 5dt, just a decreased likelihood of multiples with the 5dt because they transfer less. I think for my age they would transfer 4 at 3dt - that just scares me a little too much. We are going to repeat my FSH with my next period....that will be in the middle of the cycle, so it is not like it will change anything, it's just time to do it again. I also brought up donor eggs, my RE laughed and said that there is no reason for that now especially with the way I stimulate, fertilize and divide. She made a comment that when I got closer to 42.5/43 years old, then it would be time to consider that. It was my turn to laugh at that, I'm figuring that we will be done with this process one way or the other by the end of 2009.

So we are off today for the big vacation. I'm looking forward to getting out of all this snow (we have had about 2-3 inches on the ground for a week), and back into short sleeve shirts.

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft a-gley

Just when I didn't think I had anything to blog about whilst I was waiting for AF and next cycle to start.....

My cycle is all wonky this month! I ovulated at least a week late and am waiting with breath that is baited for AF to show up. If it is much later than Friday, I fear that ER/ET will be delayed a week. That wouldn't be so bad under normal circumstances but that would mean that 1. I would be dealing with AF during my vacation and most importantly 2. The 13 days that I took off of work will be ill timed. I had planned on taking the time off so that I would be stress free about calling out from work after ER if needed, as well as being able to rest for a few days after ET. My clinic does absolutely no kind of bedrest post ET (except for the day of), and I just think its a good idea to be off my feet for a few days, especially considering my job. I have an appointment with the RE for my official cycle review, although I have a feeling that we will not be changing much for this next cycle. In the meantime, I'm cursing myself a bit - silly me thinking I could do something like make a plan for next cycle nearly two months ahead of time.

On to more fun filled plans: our trip to Disney is in one week. I'm just about, no scratch that, I'm probably more excited than my daughter. I'm making C crazy with all of my planning - I just want this to be an amazing vacation, and as memorable as it can be to a 4 year old. It has been a nice distraction to infertility.

Thanksgiving is going to be a lost holiday this year. I work both Thursday and Friday, then we will leave our house Saturday and spend the night close to the airport since we have a pretty early flight. I will have a left over turkey dinner waiting for me when I get home from work.

Meme

So exciting...this will be my first!

Thanks to Hez, who is still there supporting me!!!

The rules are as following:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

Random thing #1: I close my eyes when I brush my teeth. I have no idea why, or when it started. A couple of years ago I noticed my eyes were closed while I was brushing, I made an effort to open them and it was the most bizarre sensation, so I am assuming that I have been doing this for quite some time.

Random thing #2: I hate the way cardboard or any kind of rough paper feels on my hands. We just rolled a bunch of coins and I can't bring myself to pick up the rolls... just the idea of handling them makes the hair on my neck stand up. Putting a fair amount of lotion on my hands makes it slightly more tolerable. I just told my DH about this a few weeks ago and he thinks that I am nuts.

Random thing #3: Whenever I see the time 11:11 I say "hello"(out loud) to my friend MG who passed away 4 years ago. She used to say "Eleven eleven, elevens a plenty" whenever she saw this time. She used to do this with 10:10 as well, but for some reason I seem to only see 11:11. Since she passed away I see this time at least a couple of times a week, and in the most unusual places - time stamps on emails, fetal monitoring documentation... I miss her everyday, I'm broken hearted that my daughter will never know her. If we ever have a son, his name will be her last name.

Random thing #4: I am the only one in my family who has not become a sports official. My brother referees hockey - he refereed the Olympics in Italy in 2006, my father refereed college and high school football, softball, basketball, and was a gymnastics judge and now works evaluating football officials, my mother was a gymnastics judge. One day...in my abundance of spare time, I would like to get into gymnastics judging, although the sport has changed dramatically since I was involved.

Random thing #5: One of my favorite sounds when the seal is broken on a certain type of IV fluids- it is a very crisp "pop".

Random thing #6: As much as I love my career, and think about what degree I can work on next...all I really want to do is to be a stay at home mom...

Okay, I tag Baby Quest, I believe in Miracles and anyone else who is out there reading.....

The next plan

I'm planning on calling the clinic today and telling them to pencil me in for ER week of Jan 12. I have put in for vacation time at work that will give me 11 days off during ER/ET (fortunately I only work 3 shifts per week, I only had to take 3 days of earned time to have that much time off). I have started weight watchers (again...) and have lost 2 pounds. My goal is to drop 10 pounds by the time we go to Disney and hopefully another 5-10 before my next ER. I think a total of 15 pounds by mid January is a bit more realistic. It is a mystery to me that I will do anything to have another baby- change jobs, take a pay cut, spend more time and money in gas getting to new job, give myself daily injections, go to therapy, have countless vagin.al ultrasounds.....but I can't seem to lose weight. WTF? I've been told that it is really the only change in my lifestyle that would improve my chances of conception - so what am I waiting for? Earlier this year I lost almost 20 pounds before IVF#1, and that did result in a pregnancy. Then I ate my way through the grief of the miscarriage and put back on about 13 of those pounds. So here I go again, battling my weight - life time battle that I wouldn't say I'm losing, but I'm not winning either.

I'm coming to grips with the BFN. This weekend at work was a little tough. I grabbed at the chance of taking labor patients vs post partum. The idea of holding someone else's baby or helping them breast feed is just too much for my heart to take right now. Occasionally the baby's will come out the nurse's station/nursery while the parents are taking a break, so the nurse's end up cuddling the baby's. It doesn't happen a lot, babies spend most of the time in the room with their parents, so when a baby is out with us, there is usually a fight about who gets to hold the baby...not me though. I'm all but running away from them. I know that if I was asked to rock/sooth a baby I would just burst into tears.

I'm in that weird place of not wanting to think about the "what ifs". And the big one is what if IVF#3 doesn't work? Will we try again? How many more times? I keep telling myself that I can't make those decisions now, because I don't know how I will feel when the time comes. Last night on the way home from work I thought that if I am not pregnant by next fall (2009) then maybe I will look at going back to school. I have a bachelor's degree in Kinesiology, an associates degree in nursing. I would either finish my bachelor's in nursing (I only have 3 classes left), or see about going straight into a master's in some sort of nursing. In the long run I see myself in a more administrative position....good lord, that is way too far away to think about right now. Especially considering I can't even make a decision about what I'm going to do today....do I knit and clean the house or paint the upstairs hallway? Or better yet, maybe I will just procrastinate by staying on the computer long enough that it will be too late to get involved in any projects. I like options #3!

Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed at the response I got to my last post....Thank you all so much - it means the world to me knowing that I am not alone. I'm in that weird place where I want my friends to know about what is going on, but I don't want to talk to anyone...blogging makes this grieving process much easier. I don't have to worry about breaking down and crying at any given moment during conversation. I'm so sick of crying!! It's not even cathartic anymore, all it does is make me feel more sad and pathetic.

Nancy, I guess it's too late to question the early testing now. I stopped my progesterone on Monday and I started spotting lightly yesterday, full blown AF today. My nurse did tell me early on that if the first test was <1 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">dpET) was 27. I'm walking that fine line of trusting that "they" know what the hell they are doing, and advocating for myself. I'm so tired of being on high alert for every-freakin-thing.

I made my appointment for my cycle review. Right now the appointment is set for Nov 26, unless there is a cancellation. I guess I will bring up the whole DE issue, although I don't think we are really candidates - so far we have have good stimulation and good non-ICSI fertilization. According to preliminary assessment by my nurse, there is not much that they would change next cycle...I'm just gambling with the percentages. Looks like January will be go time again. I have enough warning that I think I am going to try to schedule some honest to goodness vacation time during ER and ET. That would certainly help with decreasing my stress level during that time.

My parents are in town, we don't have any crazy projects planned like we usually do. Tonight it's pumpkin carving and tomorrow is Cranberry Apple Walnut Pancakes - yum. Oh, and it snowed today....yes SNOWED! Z was running around this morning yelling "it's wintertime!"

So anyway, I'm off to get ready for the great pumpkin carving fest - I will be indulging in wine tonight. Perhaps I will wait to pop the cork until all the sharp knives are put away, last thing I need is a trip to the ER.

<1

I've been absent - sorry. For no good reason until today. Transfer went well. We did a 5 dt of one blast and one morula, one embie made it to freeze. I felt miserable on Saturday, spent most of the day in bed and at the end of the day started to throw up. "Yippee", I thought in between dry heaves.

Today is another story. I had my beta this morning. My clinic does them pretty early on, 5 and 7 dpET. Usually the first specimen is frozen and run with the second so they get the doubling time and have a better indication of a viable pregnancy right off. Anyway, I was going to have my betas drawn at different labs, so they went ahead and ran the one from this morning. It was <1. No need to repeat beta on Wednesday. Progesterone has stopped. I have already discussed the next cycle with my nurse as now we are getting into holiday season...tentatively it looks like I might be set for ER the week of Jan 12.

But I digress.....the tears are almost overwhelming. My eyes are red and they burn with every blink. Of course I was at work when I got the results. In a unit filled with babies and pregnant co-workers. I lost it and I lost it big time. I went into an empty patient room and cried for an hour. Finally I called the charge nurse in, a friend of mine and someone who is well aware of my woes, and told her I could just not function today. I was able to leave early and discretely I don't have to go back to work until Saturday - this is a very well timed break.

So I did something stupid this evening. My parents are coming in town tomorrow, so we of course had to do some cleaning. I decided that there were things that needed to go up into the attic. As I am standing up there, awaiting the box of outgrown clothes of Z's that C is at the bottom of the stairs lifting over his head, I see Z's boppy, then the swing, her broken down crib, the baby gates, the high chair, booster chair, infant car seat, portable tub, and boxes upon boxes of clothes and baby gear. All are neatly packed and labeled, awaiting their next user. I felt defeated, wondering if it is time to give some of that stuff away - at least the clothes. I'm not ready to give up, but today there is only the smallest sliver of hope that remains that this will work. The good news it is still there, and good or bad I know that it will start to grow with virtually wild abandon once we are cycling again.

My recipe for comfort tonight was pizza, soda, C's strong shoulder to cry on, and later an ambien.

Tomorrow I climb back on that wagon that I fell off of a couple of weeks ago and start exercising. I'm hoping that my eyes will be a little drier and a little less red - thank goodness tomorrow is a therapy day.

Poll

I have a couple of questions:

1. How long did it take you (yes, you) to recover from ER? I was told by my clinic that I should be out of work the day of the procedure (duh!) and the next day, then should be fine to go back to work the day after. I am now 4dpER and am just now feeling ok. I actually called out sick today because by the end of work yesterday it hurt to walk and sit. I started worrying about OHSS, but I have actually lost 2 lbs since ER and feel better today....maybe it is just because I spend my time at work (12 hours of it) walking or standing.

2. For those of you who are pregnant after IVF, did your body feel worse going through IVF or during early pregnancy?

3. What does your clinic prescribe for bedrest after ET? I've seen some people that are on 4 days of bedrest, my clinic okays going back to work the next day. If you are on long bedrest, what is the rational behind it?

I guess that is all for now. ET tomorrow morning at 9:45 EST.

Let's try this again....

So the morning of the ER went pretty well, that is until I actually went into the procedure room. C was able to collect his specimen before I had to go in, because we didn't want another "incident". As I'm lying on the stretcher, anxiously awaiting my sleepy meds, the process of starting an IV commences. Unfortunately this was becoming a repeat of last time. They were trying to put in a 20 or 22 gauge (the smallest you typically use on an adult) and after 4 attempts, decided to wait for anesthesia. When the boychild of an anesthesiologist came in, they told him of the difficulties they had starting an IV. He starts looking at my neck and my feet for a site....I'm not kidding. Part of me thinks he was looking at these sites just because they would be "cool" and good experience for him to start an IV in those places. He did finally get one in in my hand, thank goodness. And not much longer after that I was getting the happy juice. At this point we were running very late, almost an hour, so I feel bad about the ER after me (I was the first of the day). The RE (my favorite) came in briefly during the IV crisis and said "Looks like we'll get 6-8." I was very disappointed, especially since we had 14 last cycle.

Next thing I know, I'm in recovery. They retrieved 11 eggs - yay, although I still thought it would be more. I did not have any crazy bleeding and was able to leave the clinic in a reasonable amount of time. C wanted to stop at Best Buy on the way home, and I was desperate for a sandwich. I actually went into Best Buy with him because "I feel great!" That only lasted for about 10 minutes, then I was back out in the car in a reclined position, regretting my strong shopping impulse. As soon as I got home I climbed into bed, and pretty much stayed there the rest of the day. I went downstairs when my daughter came home from daycare and the first thing she said was "why is there a baby in your belly?" I guess she hears us talking a lot more than we give her credit for.

I was able to lay low for the next couple of days. 9 out of the 11 fertilized, and we are definitely on track for a 5 day transfer. Thank goodness! Last night I asked C how he felt about this cycle. I guess I was fishing for a little optimism, because I surely don't have any. It's not that I don't think this will work, I'm hopeful that it will. I just know that a positive beta, even multiple doubling betas, even a heartbeat, doesn't mean that we will have a baby. If we do get pregnant, I wonder at what point I will be able to reassured....probably not until a baby is in my arms.

Right now we have a great distraction, to keep us from focusing all on baby stuff. We are going to Disney the week after Thanksgiving. We have made our reservations, and yesterday I spent the day planning some of our Disney excursions. Z is going to have a princess makeover, complete with hairdo, princess dress, tiara and shoes. We will also be there for an afterhours Christmas Party/parade. I think I just might be as excited as Z...if that is possible. I'm at work for the weekend, which will also be a distraction from obsessing about ET.

Bollocks!

Just wrote my ER story....hit a wrong button and lost it all....so I will try again tomorrow. I will leave you with this: 11 eggs, 9 fertilized, 5dt planned for Monday.

Close to the surface

First things first - the girl's night out was awesome. It has been so long since I have giggled at the silliest of things. At one point it felt like we were back in high school and were out for a joy ride in our parents car. We are going to try and do this once a month.

The ultrasound was interesting. The tech greeted me and brought me back into my favorite room (just an aside - isn't it sick that I have a "favorite" ultrasound room?!). The tech was also one of my favorites. She is bubbly and friendly and actually talks to me before breaking out the wand. She left me alone to change and as I am sitting on the table waiting for her to come back, I start to panic. I start thinking about how this was the room where we found out that there was no longer a heart beat during out last cycle. But wait, I'd been in this room before, I'd had my sonohystergram here just a few weeks ago...what was different? It was the tech. She had been the ultrasound tech that day as well. I found myself in a tail spin. I didn't want my favorite tech to stimulate such sad and vivid memories. And yet I am sitting on the table, naked from the waste down, looking at the ceiling so the tears don't breech the crest of my lower eyelid. Because I know that if one tear lands on my cheek, I will quickly go into the the ugly sobbing crying. I have been doing very well for several weeks now, but sitting in that room, waiting for her to come back in, I realized how close to the surface those emotions still are. I did manage to hold it together...didn't even need a kleenex.

So 6 resting follicles on each side (I think I had 14 last time), but the scan was so fast, I'm not sure how accurate that is. No free fluid in the uterus, no cysts, no need for blood work this time around. I have the green light to start stims tomorrow am. 1 menop.ur and 150 of f.ollistim in the morning and at night. Follow up ultrasound on Friday and an E2.

Driven by an emotional day, I decided to keep the theme running and told C how I didn't feel comfortable around a lot of his friends. (I thought about this earlier in the day when I stopped by to have lunch with C at his office today after my ultrasound and one of his gaming friends showed up half way through lunch....I got uncomfortable and left pretty abruptly). C is a social chameleon, and can talk about sports, theatre, comic books, many genres of literature, computer gaming, politics, celebrity gossip, etc... Many of his friends are into computer gaming - something I have pretty much zero interest in, so when they start talking all I hear is blah, blah, blah. With his male friends, they are always trying one up the other in insults. He would NEVER talk to me this way, so when I hear him talking to others like that, even if I know everyone is joking around, it makes me uncomfortable. So between gaming talk and insults, I'm usually pretty bored and antsy to leave. This whole topic came up last night because C wanted to go spend the evening with some of his friends next weekend. Now, let me preface this by saying that I love this couple...but both husband and wife are gamers, so there comes a point late in the evening when ALL conversation is about graphic novels and gaming. I try to smile and nod, but honestly I don't even listen. Am I the worst wife ever? So all of this comes up in my conversation with C yesterday. He was very understanding about the whole thing and wanted to know what we should DO about it, all I wanted to do was relax and watch Survivor. I wasn't out to fix any problems last night, I was motivated to say something because of an emotional day compounded by 2 weeks of l.upron. Poor guy, now I have him trying to fix an issue that I really don't give too much thought to until I am faced with spending time with his gaming friends, which is hardly ever.

Holding pattern

I'm in this drawn out holding pattern of down regulation. This part seems to take so long. So now I am down to 10u of L.upron in the am. My attitude about this cycle is so different. Last time I could rattle off all the dates in my head, I knew exactly when I was working and whether or not I was going to have to do my own AM injections on those days. This time around I have to consult my IVF folder a million times to make sure when my u/s appointments are and when I'm decreasing my L.upron. My baseline u/s is this Thursday. Depending on what they find in the u/s I may or may not have bloodwork done on that same day. Stims will start on Saturday, and follow up u/s on Oct 3. Now that I am thinking about my schedule, the timing seems to be a bit bad as I am turning 40 (FORTY!!!) on Oct 1st. Nothing like being juiced up on hormones when I'm about to hit a milestone birthday that I dread. Now, I have never been one to make a big deal about my own birthday, and the numbers have never bothered me (except when I turned 27 - I had a hard time with that one and I have no idea why). But 40 (FORTY!!!) is a different story. Maybe it's the infertility, maybe it is just the number....but I'm freaking out a little bit!

Okay, I've calmed down for the moment.

Tonight I'm going out with for an honest to goodness girl's night out. Granted it is on a Tuesday and I have to work tomorrow, but I'll take it. It has been way too long since I've spent time with just girl friends that has nothing to do with work.

I'm already looking forward to transfer and I'm trying to plan ahead a little. I've read on some blogs that some RE prescribe valium or something similar on the day of transfer. My clinic has not prescribed anything, but I was thinking that might be beneficial for the anxiety of that day. Anyone have any input/experiences they could share with me on this subject?

Meet my friends Dense and Lumpy

I was due for a pap, and the RE wanted to get one in before I cycled. Next thing I know, it turned into a regular annual physical. "Your b.reasts are dense and lumpy" says the APRN. "Gee, thanks!" says me. I made the mistake and said that I would soon be having a mammogram. "Oh, you don't need that until you are 40". "I will turn 40 next month" says me...silly, silly me. Next thing I know, it is 4 days later and I am standing in a small room with a stranger manipulating my b.reasts and squishing them into what I believe was a large playdoh fun factory set up. It wasn't so bad I guess....

I started Lupron today- 20 units. We are on our way!

Trading Places

Yesterday I asked C how many more times he could envision us doing IVF. I have had in my head that we would do a total of 3 fresh cycles and maybe an FET if we had the frosties for it. As my 40th (yes, FORTIETH) birthday looms just around the corner, I've been thinking quite a bit about our family's direction. TTC has consumed almost 3 years of our life. I've changed my job and possibly my career path as a result. C and I have grown closer in ways and more distant in others in the wake of this desperate attempt to grow our family. I know how lucky we are to have our daughter, and there are certainly times that I think - why isn't this enough? I wonder how our life might be different right now if we had not gone in this direction. If you had asked me a year ago how many times I would do IVF the answer would have been "as many as it takes". Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up what could potentially be a couple more years, I'm getting too old for that, and I don't want to miss our life that is going along at what seems light speed. My daughter has been having very rough mornings lately. The other day she ran outside into the yard as my car was pulling out of the driveway (at 5:30 am) crying that she would miss me and wanted to go to work with me....that is killing me. I think on some level she feels the impact of the stress IVF has brought into our house, of the miscarriage..... How could she not feel that? And I don't want to do this to her for very much longer, although ironically part of why we are trying so hard for another child is for her to have a sibling.

Anyway, I digress. So right now, I say 3 fresh cycles. C, who at the beginning of all of this said that we should try this once and see how it goes, says to me yesterday that he would do all the 6 cycles that our insurance will pay, if I am willing and the IVF team continues to be optimistic that this will work for us. Even though we are not really on the same page in regards to how long we will continue this, I was so reassured that he wants this as much as I do. C has been so supportive throughout this whole process and I know that he has an appreciation that so much of the burden (physically and emotionally) falls on me. He is very careful not to assert his position to aggressively, because when it comes down to it, it is my body and I have final say of how much of this I want to take. But to hear him say that he not only "would" but "wants" to go the distance on this, gives me wind to my sails. Right now I feel like we can accomplish anything....look at me I'm ten feet tall and bulletproof! Okay, now I'm getting a little carried away, and I will have to flag this post as the apex of my optimism, especially when I am at the nadir of my cycle.

posting to say nothing

Not a whole lot is going on in the IVF arena, right now just hanging out on BCPs. I have a pap on Thursday (joy!), then Lupron next week. I am more focused on planning our trip to Disney, and connecting with friends that have fallen by the wayside. Consequently, my blogging and keeping up with message boards has suffered, so I apologize for the lack of commenting.

Work is finally getting better most days, I am feeling more comfortable with the job in general, so I'm not so stressed during my drive in. I've also started doing some carpooling which makes the financial pinch of the commute more tolerable.

cd4

Well, we are on our way. I started BCP yesterday. I have an HSG scheduled for Thursday. The HSG is to see if my uterus has healed well from the D&C. I am a bit bummed about the timing of the HSG as I will have to leave work to have it done. It is only about a 5 minute walk from our unit, but because I will be leaving the floor for a doctor's appointment, it took an act of congress to get it approved. Ok, not really, but I did have to notify my boss, and she in turn had to talk with the charge nurse that is going to be on that day and tell her why I have to leave. You see it is a pretty strict policy that we do not make any kind of appointments for a day that we are scheduled to work. Our unit is very unpredictable when it comes to planning a break. My boss is very understanding about the cycle driven schedule of IVF, so she is happy (well, maybe not happy, but understanding anyway) to accommodate my IVF scheduling needs. Unfortunately it is necessary to tell the charge nurse what is happening and why, because otherwise it looks like I am getting preferential treatment when it comes to leaving the floor. I'm sure this will come up again for follicle monitoring ultrasounds, ER and ET, so I guess I should just buck up and get used to it. I'm just not sure how ready I am for others to know about what I am going through.

Just the other day I overheard a fellow nurse make a comment about a patient who had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. Her comment was "now that is a baby that was meant to be". Does she mean that if it takes any effort to get pregnant it wasn't meant to be? I know you all have heard the same comments from unsuspecting friends or acquaintances. I don't know why it bothers me, it's none of their business, right? And yet, on some level, it must matter to me about what others think, I can't help it.

So, if all goes like it did the first time around, ER will be around Oct 8th. We will be hoping to do another 5dt, but that of course could change. It is surreal to think about my calendar. The IVF coordinator, while looking at my cycle initially was plotting it out to when I would have my pg test. I'm a little nervous as if all goes well this time around, I will be 10 weeks pregnant for our trip to Disney. Ok, ok, I can't get that far ahead of myself......

I'm excited about this cycle. What a difference from last time. I hate being a veteran at this, but I'm glad that I know my way around the meds, the u/s, the labile moods, etc.

My Own Personal Cheerleader

And believe it or not, that cheerleader is my RE. The follow up visit was pretty amazing. We talked about the miscarriage and the aftermath. I was actually impressed that she was very sensitive about women having their D&C in the clinic, rather than in the OR. She works with a lot of residents and she says she often hears them complain that doing a D&C in the OR is a waste of money and effort when it is a simple procedure that can be done in the office. Her response is that she can't imagine the emotional pain that women have to go through when they are asked abort the products of conception in the very place where they came to get pregnant. Speaking of residents, after the LPN took my vital signs she said "Okay, now Resident X will be in to see you". Well Resident X is someone that I work with. I actually just took care of his wife and his new baby about a week ago. Other than this latest interaction with he and his wife, which was very positive, I don't have a great track record with him. I was not about to talk with him about my miscarriage. I politely declined, but the LPN kept saying "but he's a third year resident". I'm glad I held my ground, I would have been pretty profoundly uncomfortable with him.

Anyway, back to the good stuff. We moved on to discuss our next cycle. Essentially the RE basically said that there was no reason other than old eggs and statistics on why the pregnancy didn't stick. We are not going to change the protocol. I stimmed well, I have mature eggs, they fertilized well, divided well, had several embryos that made it to pretty advanced stages of development, the two blasts they transferred were beautiful.....just bad luck this time. She is optimistic about IVF working for us, given how tuned in to the emotional aspect of this process, I don't think she would say something like that lightly. At the end of the meeting, she said that she would be my personal cheerleader...actually used those words.

Next, the IVF coordinator came in and discussed my potential schedule. I had some CM changes, so I think that AF will be coming in about a week. So we are looking at a tentative ER/ET week of October 6. It all seems very surreal thinking about stimming again, but this time I am excited and not so nervous. I've never been looking so forward to AF showing up in my life (ok, maybe once or twice in college....but I digress).

IVF #2 here I come

Lots and lots of things have been happening lately, so blogging has been put on the way back burner. Work has been tremendously stressful, so I'm glad not to be cycling at the moment. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the RE to discuss the past, and look toward the future. As of late we have been gung ho about starting another cycle as quickly as possible. Partly because I am feeling the pressure of the biological clock, and partly because I want something else to think about other than our successful, yet failed IVF#1.

However, I have a new goal - vacation. An honest to goodness vacation that doesn't involve going to visit family. We've been talking about Disney for awhile now, and it has been put on hold several times. Money is tight and we just weren't sure if it was fiscally responsible for us to go on a trip like that (we don't have a great track record with restraining our spending on vacation). C just found out that with his reward points from his credit card, we can get 3 airline tickets, plus pay for a rental car for the week, not too mention we could use my parents' timeshare...that pretty much sealed the deal for me. Right now I have time off the first week of December, but have no idea what will be happening IVF/pregnancy wise at that time, and when it will be okay to travel. That is going to be pretty high on my priority list to talk with the RE about. Our family desperately needs to take a vacation so I'm hoping that we can do whatever kind of manipulation to my cycle, without delaying the process much, to make it happen. We also thought about going to Ireland with the reward points....but Z is much to small to enjoy that type of sightseeing, so Disney it is.

I have all but gained back the weight that I lost at the beginning of the year. Ten pounds I credit to the IVF meds, and 7 pounds to the emotional eating after the pregnancy loss. I'm back on the exercise mode again and starting to feel a little better. My eating is still an issue, as I'm sure it always will be. C needs to lose weight as well, so we have decided to have a weekly "meeting" and plan our meals and exercise times for the up coming week. We need that rigid kind of scheduling, because otherwise something will come up and exercise will be secondary - when it really needs to be a priority for both of us.

Grief

The following is a excerpt from one of my favorite books "The Book of Qualities" by Ruth Gendler. In this book, it personifies many different emotions and virtues. I stumbled across the book today and was flipping through it, looking for a little nugget of script that I might paint on my daughter's wall like "Truth is not willing to live without Love". Instead tonight I found myself drawn to reading this:

Grief

Before she came to this town Grief was a woman named Eliea. She was a potter, and she glazed her big-bellied pots with earth colors until they shone like dull bronze. She had four children. The daughters live inland now in the distant foothills, and the oldest son left the family as soon as he could get away. It was the young boy with the golden curls and the laughing eyes who gave her great joy. He loved the ocean. He was barely walking when he learned to swim and not much older when he started to sail. One day about two years ago the sailors brought his boat home empty.

Never have I heard such sounds of weeping as when Grief found out her son had drowned. She screamed and howled. She stamped her feet and smashed her pots and bowls. She ate with all her fingers. She tore at her hair, and it grew wild and matted. She wandered from place to place with no sense of where she was or how she came there.

One day at the edge of the forest Grief heard another woman crying out. She spoke with her. She listened to her story. Grief was surprised. She had never met anyone else who had suffered as she had. Together the women sat in the clearing and mourned their children. Through the long afternoon, through the twilight, through the night, they wept and wept and wept and wept. In the morning Grief was washed clean of her tears. She came to our town and started to do her real work.




Thank you to everyone who has shared and mourned and wept. I feel like it is time to come out of the forest and once again begin my real work.

Adding Insult to Injury

As an added bonus for my return to work today - a co-worker found out that she was pregnant! By mistake! With an IUD in place!

Here

* pregnancy loss and child mentioned*

I'm slowly coming back out of my shell. Going back to work was brutal. Being around a unit full of new moms and babes is not exactly therapeutic for me. I had to leave early the first two shifts, but actually did make it through a full 12 hours last Monday. Since then I have been off on "vacation". We did not go anywhere, but this was planned time off from many months ago.

My daughter turned 4 this week, and this has been a non-stop celebration with family coming and going throughout the week. It has been a good distraction, but as tomorrow grows near, I am becoming more tense about going back to work. This time of year is always emotionally charged for me because not only is it my daughter's birthday (we started ttc when she was 18 months old), but in a few days it will be the anniversary of the death of my dear friend. She passed away 12 days after the birth of my daughter.

As far as work goes, I ended up sending out an email to the people that I work with on day shift. I have not been myself, people have seen me crying in the corner when a co-worker is asking how I'm doing. I sent the email partly to squelch rumors, but also to gain a little slack when it comes to assignments (I don't think that I could handle doing a 2nd trimester termination for genetic anomalies right now). I told them in the email that I have experienced a pregnancy loss and I am trying to figure out how to cope in an environment filled with babies. My hands were literally shaking as I pushed the "send" button. It is terrifying exposing myself to co-workers that I don't know very well. However, I have to say that the response has been overwhelmingly supportive.

Going back a week or so.....the D&C was awful. I was given 5 mg of valium and 2 percocet to take 45 minutes before the procedure (which was to be done in the office). I was so loopy by the time we got to the clinic, that C had to get a wheelchair for me just to get me from the car to the office. The RE went through instructions and a brief description of the procedure, all which were very fuzzy to me. The D&C itself was profoundly painful, and I do remember crying during the procedure. (I have made a not so subtle mental note that if there is a next time, this will be done in the OR and I will be COMPLETELY anesthetized!!!). Afterwards I started throwing up, I think it was from the percocet. No one seemed too concerned about the vomiting, and C had to go find someone to make sure it was okay that we just walked out. I slept most of the way home, then threw up some more once we got back to our house. The rest of the day I hung out in bed, sleeping intermittently. It took me exactly one week to stop bleeding. Now I just wait until AF, then I suppose we start over again. I have not heard from the RE's office, other than a letter regarding the pathology from the D&C. It was one of those template letters..."[insert name] hope you are recovering well from your procedure...." blah blah blah. And by the way you don't have cancer. WTF?! I guess I didn't realize that is what they were looking for when they were doing the pathology. Is it too much to expect my IVF nurse call after a pregnancy loss just to say "are you okay?" I've checked the stats on my clinic and although it is a large teaching hospital, they do not do large numbers of IVF....I guess I thought I would get a little more personalized attention....silly me.

C and I are dealing with things quite differently. I am trying to figure out how to get by day to day, and sometimes hour to hour. A dear friend sent some books on coping with a pregnancy loss, I've tried to read it, but every time I start, I begin to crying and can't see. C is very supportive, but he is looking to the future. I once said that if IVF did not work for us, I would concentrate on getting my master's. So he has brought up me going back to school, as well as trying multiple IVFs. Our insurance will pay for 5 more fresh cycles.....still don't think we would take it that far, 40 is looming and I don't want to keep doing this for another year. But for now, we wait. Waiting again for AF. I do want to jump right into another cycle, I'm just hoping that it won't take AF 12 weeks to show up.

Did I mention that another cousin's wife is pregnant.....with twins.....through IVF? *sigh*

Gone

Ultrasound today at 8w1d.

No heartbeat.
No growth.

D&C Monday.

I was happy....for about 5 minutes

So u/s today.....I saw a sonographer that I had never met before and she was not very warm and fuzzy. When the image came up on the screen I immediately saw the sac, and the flicker. I was overwhelmed and thrilled. C and I held hands, so happy that our worries were for not - UNTIL the RE came in. He asked how I was doing, I said "I'm great now". Then he goes into a little sidebar with the sonographer. They talk about gestational sac size and crown to rump length, which are all just fine...this clinic doesn't really give out specifics very freely so I just typically take the no news is good news approach when it comes to statistics. Then we get to the heartbeat. It is 97. NOT good. It seems silly and maybe even trivial, but they wanted to see it over 100. So back for another u/s next week. Which is going to be tricky with my work schedule. They said I could be seen in 7-10 days...hello! How could I wait 10 days? So right now my appointment is for next Friday, but it might get bumped due to lots of retrievals that day. If Friday is a go, then I have to do some fancy rescheduling with work - I'll work on that tomorrow.

As I left the u/s room I ran into both of the IVF nurses that I have worked with, they were very supportive, but not saying terribly optimistic things. I got "at least you got pregnant" and "maybe things with turn around next week". I have no idea what to think right now. 3 beats per minute off doesn't seem like much to warrant such a dismal outlook, but that is the impression I was getting from the IF team.

Unfortunately we had to take my daughter to the appointment. I have never done it before and will do everything I can from doing it again, there was just no other choice. Luckily the clinic is not crawling with infertiles, I rarely see anyone else when I go. And the clinic shares the space with the regular OB clinic, so the place is lousy with pregnant women. Anyway, we have not talked about the pregnancy with her in weeks, but when she walked into the u/s room (I was already there seated with a sheet over my lap) she blurts out "are you having a baby?" Before the RE came in the room (and we were still happy) we pointed to the screen and showed her the baby. So all afternoon she has been pulling up my shirt and asking where the baby is. Boy do I regret saying ANYTHING to her earlier - and you can't just take something like that back.

So off to work tomorrow, I'm hoping that nobody comes up and congratulates me...I know that I won't be able to hold it together.

Back to worry and anticipation

So the last week has been somewhat of a blur. I have been trying to keep myself (read: my head) occupied and away from Dr. Google. We had a little family outing over the weekend to an amusement park that is just for little kids (Z will be 4 in a few short weeks). We had a blast and I saw a part of New England that I hadn't seen before. The White Mountains are truly spectacular and we are already planning our next trip up there before the end of the summer.

I've been struggling with my emotions and optimism this week. The "bump" and the lack of a definitive gestational or yolk sac is freaking me out. The radiology report also mentioned that the pocket appeared to have "collapsed" in the middle - that surely doesn't sound good. I did phone my IVF nurse and talked with her briefly. Although she didn't say anything along the lines of "don't worry about it, I'm sure it will be fine"....which was the answer I was fishing for. She did say at least one reassuring thing: embryonic development happens so fast this early in the game that an u/s done in the morning might not show anything, but an u/s that same afternoon might show something completely different.

I have been able to remain relatively calm. I am actually confident that I am pregnant. I don't think that my betas would have risen like they did if the pocket on the ultrasound was just fluid (which was a possibility also outlined in the radiology report). BUT, my fear right now is that there is some structural or chromosomal abnormalities that will prevent this pregnancy from resulting in a real live baby. Friday morning's ultrasound is huge. We will be out of limbo one way or another. I will be 7w1d at that time so they should see something. I've let my mind wander to the possibility of needing to make a decision about another round. I know it seems like a no brainer to do another, but truthfully I don't know if we would.

In other news, the cat is totally out of the bag all over town and work. Yesterday someone who I don't even really talk with all that much congratulated me. I was so taken a back, I had no idea what to say. I didn't want to deny it, but I also didn't want just say "thank you" and let it spread further. I ended up saying that nothing was certain yet and we were waiting for another u/s before we got too excited. She apologized and said that she was under the impression that "everyone knew". I have no idea where the leak happened. I can only imagine that someone overhead a conversation I had with my friend from work who also went through IVF. There are 4 people who I have told at work, and I know that none of them would say anything. I guess I'm not really angry....I'm trying to push anger out of my life right now anyway....but I'm disappointed that I was not able to tell people on my terms. Which wouldn't have been for a few more weeks. I suppose this is what I can except working in an environment of 95% women. I dread having people come up to me at work on Saturday and say "congratulations" if we get bad news on Friday. This is just bad timing.

Me and my bump

Isn't a bump what everyone wants? I hear it so many times now with the celebrity "bump watch". My bump is not making me happy. As every hour goes by I am growing more worried. My ultrasound was yesterday at 5w5d. I was reassured before they even started the scan that all they were looking for was "how many and where". They didn't expect to see anything else. The APRN was in with the u/s tech to point out on the screen what I was looking at. Pretty early into the ultrasound the APRN says to the tech "are you seeing that bump?" Oh, no, please....let this be just a normal boring early ultrasound. I get the "it's probably nothing, we'll know more what we are looking at during the next ultrasound" speech. So I have to wait until next Friday the 20th.

So in the meantime, I check out my office notes for the ultrasound (because I have access to my own medical record), and get an official name for what they were seeing - a chorionic bump. In the notes it also says that there is not definite yoke sac or fetal pole, but from what I understand it can still be a little early to see that - am I wrong? The office note said that the gestational sac may just be fluid....

Just to add to my distress I decided to google "chorionic bump" and I came across an abstract from research that my clinic was involved in, including my specific RE. Here is the name of the article: A First-Trimester Pregnancy Sonographic Finding Associated With a Guarded Prognosis. Well THAT doesn't sound good. Here are some nuggets of information from the article:

Results. The difference in outcomes between the patients with bumps and the healthy control subjects was statistically significant (7 live births versus 13 live births; P < .03), but the difference in outcomes between the patients with bumps and infertility control subjects was not statistically significant (7 live births versus 11 live births; P = .1). Conclusions. The finding of a chorionic bump on the first-trimester sonogram is associated with a guarded prognosis for the early pregnancy (live birth rate <50%);>

So now I have THAT rattling around in my head. I'm going to have to keep myself extremely busy between now and next Friday, otherwise I will go out of my mind. I keep on trying to reassure myself that fluid would not cause the rise in hCG that I have. I've been told that with the rise in my betas it is a good indication of viable pregnancy....so that can't JUST be fluid, can it? C thinks that we got too excited too fast about the pregnancy. I know that this is all completely out of our hands now, there is nothing that I can do to change the outcome. I suppose it is back to just a waiting game. A game that I have been playing for a very long time, but I still suck.

tired, tired, tired

Did I mention that I was tired? Just a short post as I am, well, tired, and my parents are in town so I don't want to spend lots of time on the computer. My beta on Friday was 2,482 - yea. I go in for an u/s on Tuesday. My goal is to sleep as much as possible......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Scared and happy

I've decided that it is possible to be scared to death and thrilled at the same time. My beta yesterday was 950 (I think....isn't that funny after obsessing for so long about numbers I can't remember this exact one). All I know is that it doubled in 48 hours and the clinic is pleased. Right now that is all that really matters....except that lurking fear that it is ONLY doubling. It seems that there are so many more women out there with much higher betas at this point (yesterday I was 20dpo). Anyway, I go back for what will hopefully will be the last beta tomorrow, then ultrasound at 8:00am on Tuesday.

I've allowed myself to pull out my two pregnancy books and start re-reading them. I went into the attic and took inventory of my maternity clothes - I'm definitely going to need some more pants. And I have begun the wonderings of what we are going to do with the spare bedroom. I haven't done anything crazy like actually BUY anything, but I have been looking. It will be quite a while before I am that confident to make a purchase. Now all that sounds very well and optimistic, right? Well, then there is the flip side. I can't say the words "I'm pregnant" without the sidebar of "at least for the moment". Most of our talks about the future start off with a big "IF". C knocks on wood (literally) whenever we speak about the idea of another pair of footsteps around the house. We had made plans to go to Disney this fall (I would be 24 weeks). The trip was going to be a big one - I would be off for 12 days. We would drive down and stop in Atlanta to see C's sister, then spend on full week in Orlando. My parents have a time share that has 2-3 bedrooms, a full kitchen and a pool that is 1.5 acres. There are so many unknown factors right now, physically and financially, that I'm not sure it is going to happen. Anyone have an opinion about Disney in October at 5 months pregnant?

I am also very nervous about the actual delivery. Z's delivery turned into a bit of a nightmare. I was 9.5 cm at 11am and delivered (by c-section) at 7:20 pm. I pushed for at least 4 hours. So now I am faced with the decision on whether or not to TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and where to deliver. I feel a strong bond with the small hospital that I just left and it is only 25 minutes away, but they do not have anesthesia in house 24 hours a day, so if we needed to go to a c-section it might be delayed, which is scary. The standard is "30 minutes from decision to incision", but 30 minutes can be a lifetime when the shit is hitting the fan. The hospital where I am now is over an hour away and I don't care for about 1/2 of the attending physicians, but I could be seen by a midwife and anesthesia is right there all the time. Someone told me the fastest c-section they ever saw was 9 minutes from decision to baby. That is extremely reassuring. But the hour drive in late January/early February makes me nervous. I have until the 20th of June to pick a provider.

So, I'm trying to stay in the moment and be happy, even added a baby ticker, although it is low on my sidebar. But I am also focusing on keeping my feet on the ground in the reality that all of these wonderings may be a moot point. I'll move that ticker up the sidebar as my confidence in the outcome increases.

My new favorite number...

...is 427. That is today's beta. In the words of my IVF nurse "it's marvelous". I will repeat my beta again on Wednesday. I am to call today to schedule an early OB ultrasound for either the 10th or the 11th. I am trying to remain calm and reserved on the outside but on the inside it is one constant "yippeeee".

Cautious....but VERY happy!

I've been avoiding blogging... not really sure why...because I have good news! I've been waiting so long to post this....I can officially add a BFP to my labels! My beta on the 27th was, well 27. 2nd beta yesterday was 97 - we've got tripling! I've been hearing "congratulations" each time the RN calls with my results, but when I press her a little for her impression she says that she is "cautiously optimistic"- a term that I think should be trade marked in this infertility industry.

I have to say, if I let my guard down, I have a good feeling about this. I have been feeling both ill and starving. I can't seem to get enough sleep and my bbs are huge! Except - yesterday I started spotting. Now I know this could just be implantation bleeding, especially since is seems to have stopped for the moment. But seeing any kind of blood is disconcerting. I have let myself look at my pregnancy book and I've even gone so far as to take a mental inventory of the maternity clothes that I have stashed in the attic. We told close family last night, but explained that we will continue to hold our breath for several more weeks...if not months. After the second beta, C let his guard down a little too and it was such a relief to see some raw emotion from him. He has not wanted to get his hopes up about any of this (he hasn't been pessimistic, just sort of middle of the road).

So, next beta is Monday, then possibly another one on Wednesday. The RN wanted to know what my work schedule was for the following week (week of the 9th) for an ultrasound. For now I am enjoying the change of pace - now I am googling pregnancy symptoms and beta results as opposed to side effects of menopur and 3dt vs 5dt. I am now looking at tickers and baby count downs and wondering - which one will I choose?

*addendum : I missed my blogiversary (sp?). I started blogging May 25th last year. Truthfully I never thought I would make it this long - for one reason or another. In honor of such an auspicious occasion, (both one year of blogging and the fact that at this very moment I am PREGNANT) I have decided to revamp my blog. The picture at the top is one that I took several years ago and is one of my favorites. I hope that seeing it frequently will remind me to get out there and do some of the things that have been missing in my life.

Transfer day

This morning started off very sketchy. While getting Z ready for preschool I remembered it was her turn to bring the snack (unfortunately for everyone in our house, the cupboards were bare). We quickly devised a plan for both of us to go and drop her off, swing by the grocery store and throw together a quick fruit salad once we got to school, then dash off to the hospital. Great, good plan. And then I see our cat out of the corner of my eye standing uncannily still, like a little black statue. As I go over to see what is up with her, I notice a relatively large pool of bloody fluid right behind her - crap! There is absolutely no wiggle room in our morning schedule for a cat that is bleeding from some orifice. After some frantic phone calls, we finally arrange for her to get dropped off at the vet. One crisis averted, on to the next: snack! We get to the grocery store, somehow spend $20 on fruit and rice cakes and head to school. As I am in the kitchen throwing stuff in a bowl, C comes in and says "Guess what? Today is NOT Z's snack day, it was last Tuesday". I had forgotten that she did not go to school one day last week because of a cough. Now I'm thinking - should I be worried about the way this day is progressing?

The drive to the hospital was pretty uneventful, I only panicked for a minute when I saw the sign that said "Caution: traffic stopped ahead". Yesterday they had to close the interstate while the put the skeleton of a bridge up, so I was hoping we weren't getting into that kind of mess. Our conversation turned from the interesting facts of the new book C is reading "Salt" (and yes, it is actually about salt) to what would we do if we suddenly found ourselves under attack by zombies. WTF??

Because I had overfilled my bladder for the mock transfer and was a little more conservative with the fluids this time - apparently too conservative, but it still got the job done. The RE came in to discuss the transfer. I was bummed that it was not my usual RE, he has a very good reputation, but his bedside manner is a bit lacking. He showed my the embryo report, which made no sense to me. I was expecting to see a grade for each embryo, but I guess that is more for a 3dt. I asked him if what they were transferring were of good quality and he said "its what we expect for day 5." Later when my hero of a nurse N came in, she said things like "this embryo report just doesn't get any better than this". Out of 14 eggs, 11 fertilized and it looks like we might have 7 to freeze. I am blown away! The transfer itself was not terribly comfortable, and took a little longer that I thought it would. But here I sit, with two perfect embryos inside me. There is a phrase that I have heard a couple of times and I couldn't wait to use it myself - I am pregnant until proven otherwise. My clinic is a little tricky with the betas. I have one drawn on the 27th, they will freeze that one and then run it when I have the second one drawn on the 29th, so they know what doubling time is I guess.

addendum: the cat should be fine, vet thinks it is just a UTI.

Vertical

I am finally feeling up to sitting and even walking around without the need to brace my belly. I made a phone call to the clinic this morning as I was starting to get a little worried about OHSS. My pain for the last couple of days was high in my belly, almost to my ribs. I have been taking the Tylenol #3 pretty regularly to get some much needed rest.

11-12 (the RN was exactly sure) of my 14 eggs fertilized - yea! We will be doing a 5dt tomorrow at 11:30. I've got to remember to go easy on the water as I tend to take "full bladder" a little bit too literally. Even the RE during the mock transfer said "whoa, not THAT full". My clinic is not very forthright with information on embryo development, I guess I thought I would get an update to see how many are still hanging on. When I asked my nurse this morning if she had heard anything about how they were doing, she dashed over to the lab and came back with a vague response of "they are doing well and growing fine". hmmmm....hopefully I will find out the stats on all of them tomorrow.

We are planning on transferring no more that 2. Even though I know that multiples are a risk, they scare me. We have had a child together already - no interventions needed - so I am operating under the hope that these embryos will be happy to be back home and snuggle in with wild abandon. Delusional, maybe - but most of all hopeful. Anyone out there that is nearing 40 with an opinion about how many to transfer?

Curse of the Nurse

Get comfy, this could potentially be a very long post...one that I will probably have to do in shifts as I am remarkably sore.

Let's start with a couple of days ago. I had a massage a while ago, this woman as it turns out is primarily a therapist but does various types of bodywork to compliment her therapy. My massage session turned into a cranio-sacral session plus some energy work. I went for a follow up on Tuesday, expecting to continue with the work that we did last time. All it took was a simple "so how are you doing?" that prompted me to burst into tears. Next thing I know I am talking about my friends death from almost 4 years ago. She gently suggests that maybe the focus of our sessions should be emotional health with bodywork as an adjunct. Sounded perfect to me. During the session, a recurrent theme of fear surfaced. By the end, I felt like I had let go of some of those fears. Then, the most amazing thing happened. With some of the fear out of the way, I was actually able to let in hope and joy. For the first time during this cycle, I was able to say (out loud even) that I was looking forward to the outcome, that I had hope, REAL hope, that we might have another baby.

Fast forward to today - retrieval day. We left the house at 6:10 to be seated in the waiting room by 7:30. Anesthesia shows up 8 to start my IV and give me the good stuff. Three IV attempts later and I have some fluids running in and the meds were quickly to follow. Next thing I know I am waking up and the process of recovery begins. After about an hour I'm feeling woozy, but pretty good. C wants me to go into "assist" him with his specimen so we don't have another "incident". Finally around 10:00, we are ready to leave. C goes to get the car and bring it around front. I politely decline being taken out in a wheelchair. I go downstairs and almost immediately start to feel pretty awful. I feel like I am going to pass out and/or throw up. I dash over to the security guard and ask him to tell me husband that I had to go back upstairs. Now I'm back in the procedure room and my blood pressure is 89/43 - crap. Then the pain kicks in. The crazy thing is that the pain is in my right back - like kidney area - and it is sharp! They do a very thorough transvaginal u/s, (which is a special treat after retrieval) and in the middle of the scan the sonographer says to the nurse "can you go get the doctor" - well that is never a good thing to hear, is it? Turns out I had some internal bleeding. I got another IV (only 2 attempts this time), more fluids, blood work in preparation for the possibility of going to the OR. The doctor prepares me that I may need to be admitted for observation and pain control. So then I sit, or lay there rather for hours. I was able to doze a little, but with the blood pressure cuff going off in regular intervals, I can't say that I got much sleep. C left for a while to get something to eat, I didn't want to here about it as I had not eaten since 6pm and they were keeping me NPO just in case we had to go to the OR. When C returned he flipped out a little because my diastolic pressure was 54 and the machine was alarming. The nurse in me told him not to worry, my pulse was not rising so I was pretty sure I wasn't bleeding out, so I showed him which button to push to silence the alarm.

Finally around 1:00 I turned a corner and felt completely pain free. I had to stay until some lab work comes back, but I was finally discharged around 3:30. The nurse said the good news about planning on doing a 5dt is that my innards should be recovered by then. I just hope we can make it until then. On the way home I am so hungry that I could eat the seat of the car. I restrained myself and we stopped for some good ol' comfort food.

So the good news in all of this is: 14 eggs retrieved.! Not sure how many are mature, will find that out tomorrow with the fert report. I'm planning on 2 full days of laying low and regular Tylenol #3.

Lessons

I've been obsessed with message boards lately, and find myself a little negligent on posting on my blog. Let's see, where am I in the stim process? Today I reduced my dose to 2 Men.opur and 150 Folli.stim in the evening only and 5 units Lu.pron in the am. My u/s on the first was good enough for me to bypass blood work that day. My lining was thin, and there were follicles waiting in the wings. My next appointment is Friday u/s and b/w. At my previous ultrasound the tech asked if it was ok if one of the residents came in and scanned me after she did....hmmm....did I mention that I work pretty closely with the residents? Unfortunately it was the only male resident in the program and I don't really know him all that well. So I am trying to formulate an answer that really should not be that difficult - yes or no. But here is my predicament: I plan on refusing having residents do any procedural work that may directly affect the outcome of retrieval or transfer. So after a tremendously long pause, I say "yes", because just doing a scan is not going to affect the outcome.

I am learning so much from being the one on the bed versus the one at bedside. My first lesson is that IM injections REALLY SUCK, and when at all possible give one in the hip (as opposed to the arm or leg). The next lesson I think that I am already good at, but I definitely need to keep in mind what it is like when two caregivers are standing at bedside and talking about the patient as if she was not there. This happened when the resident took over the wand. At one point they pointed out how my retroverted uterus was pushing my ovaries out of the way, but they were going exactly where they should. I spoke up and said "that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day". They both stopped, I believe they were shocked that this object on the table with wand up her chickie was talking! But then everyone laughed.

There is another lesson out there. One that does not have an outcome yet. C and I got into a huge fight the other day, and I believe there is still tension in the air - I will know more in a few minutes when he comes home. I will make a very long story as short as I can: C still needs to go in for freezing of his man juice. The timing is sensitive because he has to be "activity" free for 2-5 days before the freeze and before ER. ER is possibly mid next week. When I asked when his appointment was for the freezing he told me "next week some time". He went on to explain that he had a lot of things on his plate right now.....I hit the roof. I freaked a little and told him that no matter what else was going on, this needs to be our priority for the next 2 weeks. I don't get why he doesn't understand the timing of all of the procedures for the next week or so. I also wish that he had just taken care of this a few weeks ago so this wouldn't be an issue. I was at work when we had this conversation and was starting to stew...so I called back to find out what needs to be different in our communication for him to be more aware of appointments etc. The conversation ended very unresolved. C said that he had to "think about it" and he would get back to me.

*update* So when he came home tonight, he had brought me a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie. We have not talked specifically about the above conversation - frankly I'm not really in the mood to get into it. I've gained 4 pounds since Saturday, although it could very well be from the cookies I've been indulging in "because I deserve it". I'm a little worried that I'm not feeling bloated enough and that my ovaries are not plumping like they should.

Freakin' clomid

AF finally showed on Monday. I was starting to get a little worried. RE said that AF would probably be light - yeah, not so much. (TMI ahead) And what is worse is that is that same clomid brown particulate type of flow. I have been reassured that my lining will be closely monitored and adjusted with meds, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if this is the source of our problems for the last year (plus) - too much freakin' clomid!

I have an u/s an b/w tomorrow morning, then I will sit in class for 8 hours. I'm looking forward to not being on the unit tomorrow. It has been nuts and I need a little break.

Now, tell me how twisted this is: the other day I took care of a patient who had major substance abuse issues, including during pregnancy. Her baby was delivered prematurely, but even for being premature was small for gestational age (less than 2 lbs). Now, here comes the sick part - did I get emotional about this? - no. Did I start to cry when I overhear a coworker that I barely know tell someone that they just found out she is having a boy? - yes. What is that all about?

I decreased Lupron to 10 units today - thank goodness!

Struggle

I opened up a fortune cookie today that said "Struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in". It was just the right phrase at the right moment. I never thought that I would have such doubts about an IVF cycle once I was in the middle of it. Usually once I make a decision, I am committed and I don't look back. Not the case this time around. I've actually even questioned whether or not we would do another cyle after this one. Now, doesn't that seem a little silly after changing jobs strictly for the IVF benefits?

Lupron sucks. The headaches, the moodiness - I could do without it! C has really stepped up to the plate and been so helpful with my morning injections. We did not go to an injection class because I do this all the time. So I have had to talk him through drawing up the medication. The first day he almost wiped the needle with the alcohol swab instead of the top of the vial! I've done all the injections so far....but will definitely need his help for the IM shots that start next weekend.

I went to a funeral yesterday. My dear friend and co-worker lost her long battle with breast cancer. The last time I talked with her she was doing pretty well. She had stopped chemo and the tumors were shrinking. She suddenly stopped communication. I didn't push it because she has always been such a private person. I have so many regrets of not pushing harder to be there for her at the end. The funeral was heartbreaking. Her daughter-in-law is pregnant and due in August - she really wanted to be around to see her second grandchild. During the graveside service the minister read a letter that my friend had written to her first grandchild on the day she was born. The whole situation was no place for an infertile on lupron.....I was a mess. I didn't even go back to the house after the service, every time I opened my mouth I was bawling and I didn't figure her family needed that around.

....it must be the Lupron

...or am I just in a REALLY bad mood? This morning was my first Lupron (20 units), done covertly in brother's house at 6:30 am. I awoke at 4am, thinking that I had over slept and could not for the life of me get back to sleep. The rest of the morning was mayhem. My parents left early, and my brother's family spent the morning getting ready for one of my niece's cheerleading competitions. I snuck out thinking that getting back home early would be a great idea - that I could spend all of this quality time with C.

Instead I walk in the house and immediately feel a black cloud hovering over me. I am completely over critical of EVERYthing that C has done (or not done, rather) in my absence. The day I left I had asked him if he had read through the folder the RE's office gave us. "Not yet", was his reply. Not yet? Not YET? When would be a good time then? Maybe next month when all of this is over?!!! A few weeks ago he told the psychologist (mandated session for our clinic) that he was going to do more research and ask more questions about this process. I was so happy to hear him take on some responsibility and make an effort to learn about this journey without me spoon feeding him information. Has he done any of that? - not yet. Did he ask me about my first injection? Not yet. I've lost nearly 20 pounds since the beginning of the year because the RE said it would improve my fertility. Has C started his exercise program to do the same? Not yet.

It is completely impossible for me to express how I'm feeling to him right now without verbally ripping off his head. Is this Lupron rage (already?), or am I just over tired and over stressed?

Thank you all for the comments. I haven't gotten around to individual blogs just yet as it has been a very busy week. But I just wanted to acknowledge how much your support means to me!

Right of passage

Meds came today so I felt I had to do the picture.....

I thought that I would be giddy. Instead I look at all of those boxes and the only thing that goes through my mind is: "surely I didn't get enough needles". No matter, I can always get more from work. I don't start Lupron until next Sunday, so right now all the meds are in the basement. They'll stay there until I can figure out how I am going to organize them upstairs away from curious little hands.

I also received in the mail today a baby shower thank you note from my cousin's wife who is pregnant with IVF twins. She included her email and an extra note letting me know that she is there for me if I need support - amazing considering that I've only seen her twice.

Not too much else to say. Thank you for the input about 3 vs 5 day transfers. I guess we will just see how it goes - how many eggs, how many fertilize and if it looks like there will be 2 that will make it to 5 days. I keep on reminding myself that I just need to take this one day at a time - not an easy task for someone who likes to have a plan. My RE told me that I needed to find some way to have some peace in my life. I took that as a prescription for a massage and made an appointment today.

Naps

So apparently today's meeting with the RE and IVF nurse was a bit more emotionally taxing than I had expected - as evidenced by my 1 hour nap on the way home and my husband's nap once we got home!

Nothing terribly exciting discussed today other than protocol and dates of upcoming appointments. I will by on 20u of Lupron, then 10u then 5u. I start menopur and 150 of Follistim am and pm on May3. Ultrasounds on May 1st and 9th. We discussed 3 day vs 5 day transfer and number of embryos. From everything that I have read 5 day blast transfer is preferred primarily because you don't have to transfer as many embryos, thus decreasing the risk for multiples. My RE said that they usually do 3 day transfers and that there is no difference in pregnancy rates with 3 vs 5 day transfer. Of course we will see how things go and possibly convert to 3 day. Does anyone have any input? My RE said she would do whatever I wanted. I am walking that line between trying to be my own health advocate and trusting that the doctors do this all the time and know what they are doing.

We didn't get any formal injection training as I do them all the time. My husband is a little too excited about giving me the IM injections. I will be out of town for my first Lupron shot, so it will be all me.

The RE isn't worried about my FSH =10 during the clomid challenge. Although she did say several times that my age was more of a concern than anything else. Both the RE and RN were ver bubbly and attentive today - which has been a bit of a change from the last couple of visits. We left feeling very reassured, but apparently tired.

Grey Street

So over the weekend, I've been listening to my iPod on my way to work. I keep on stumbling on the song "Grey Street" by the Dave Matthews Band. It strikes a cord in me so deeply and I always cry. I'm not sure why I'm putting myself through the misery of listening to it over and over again, maybe it is somewhat comforting to hear my feelings put in such a beautifully sad song. There is a part of me that needs time to grieve during this process, but I'm often afraid that if I think about it for too long, I won't stop crying. So listening to a song gives me a finite amount of time to grieve...I feel it intensely, but for a short amount of time. (5 minutes and 6 seconds to be exact). Then I move on to something more light and fluffy like "Beer for My Horses" by Toby Keith and Willie Nelson! Anyway here are the portion of the lyrics that touches my soul's soft spot.

She thinks, “Hey,How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together -to grey
And it breaks her heart

If you are interested in hearing the song on YouTube....here is the link:


Hollie...thanks for the comment and support! Good luck with your ER! I have somehow deleted your comment....completely by accident...I'm new to the "moderate comments" button! How many follies/eggs did you have?

I have my appointment with the RE on Wednesday to go over all sorts of details...more then!

I'm on my way

So yesterday was cd 1. And with that comes a whirlwind of emotions. First there is the ever looming sadness as of course I thought that this would be the month that we would get our BFP and not need all of this silly IVF business. But I could only greive this briefly as now it is time to make a plan for the next few weeks, check schedules and get all hormoned up. So here is the tentative schedule:

BCPs (started yesterday) until April 22
Start Lupron on April 20
Baseline u/s on May 1
Gonadotropins May3
u/s May 9
ER/ET week of May 12

I talked to the person in charge of my orientation as soon as I got these dates and I will be working from home the week of the 12th doing a self study education thingy. How awesome is that?

This morning I awoke with a MONSTER headache. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep, the stress (I've developed what I think is a stress related eye tick!), my lack of morning coffee, or the dramatic change in the weather.

I'm off to rest and will my headache away. This will be followed by a massive house cleaning effort if the headache goes away.

Comments, protocols and a birthday party

So I've turned on the "moderate comments" button. Never in a million years would I think that my little blog would turn into the internet's version of telemarketing. Okay, so I've only had two comments like that, but it is still a little disturbing.



Last weekend I went to the birthday party of one of my best friend's little girl. This of course is the little girl that was conceived 6 months after we first started trying. In some ways time is passing so quickly. Of course when it comes to getting going with this first IVF, it is taking forever! I have been off clomid for several months and my cycle had just started to get regular again - 28 days on the nose. Then we throw in a clomid challenge this month and just because I had them laying around the house I did OPKs this month as well. Unfortunately I didn't have enough OPKs to make a pin point determination about when I surged, but I think I am on a 32 day cycle this month.



I don't have my protocol yet, all I know is my IVF nurse told me it would be about 7 weeks from AF to ET. The only thing I know for sure is BCPs starting cd 1-3 and lasting for about 3 weeks. I am expecting a lot during the meeting next Wed with the RE. We don't know meds or cost (even though everything will be covered, we have to pay for the meds out of pocket then get reimbursed). Frankly, I'm a little disappointed with the IVF nurse so far. For example: I was originally anticipating AF this past weekend, and the only instructions I got after my mock transfer was to call on cd 1 so I could start BCPs. I had to call her last week and ask if I should get a prescription called in just in case AF came over the weekend. It seems that she should be thinking proactively about these things. Maybe I'm expecting too much, but I have never done injectables and from everything that I read, timing of meds is critical. Am I expecting too much?