Back to worry and anticipation

So the last week has been somewhat of a blur. I have been trying to keep myself (read: my head) occupied and away from Dr. Google. We had a little family outing over the weekend to an amusement park that is just for little kids (Z will be 4 in a few short weeks). We had a blast and I saw a part of New England that I hadn't seen before. The White Mountains are truly spectacular and we are already planning our next trip up there before the end of the summer.

I've been struggling with my emotions and optimism this week. The "bump" and the lack of a definitive gestational or yolk sac is freaking me out. The radiology report also mentioned that the pocket appeared to have "collapsed" in the middle - that surely doesn't sound good. I did phone my IVF nurse and talked with her briefly. Although she didn't say anything along the lines of "don't worry about it, I'm sure it will be fine"....which was the answer I was fishing for. She did say at least one reassuring thing: embryonic development happens so fast this early in the game that an u/s done in the morning might not show anything, but an u/s that same afternoon might show something completely different.

I have been able to remain relatively calm. I am actually confident that I am pregnant. I don't think that my betas would have risen like they did if the pocket on the ultrasound was just fluid (which was a possibility also outlined in the radiology report). BUT, my fear right now is that there is some structural or chromosomal abnormalities that will prevent this pregnancy from resulting in a real live baby. Friday morning's ultrasound is huge. We will be out of limbo one way or another. I will be 7w1d at that time so they should see something. I've let my mind wander to the possibility of needing to make a decision about another round. I know it seems like a no brainer to do another, but truthfully I don't know if we would.

In other news, the cat is totally out of the bag all over town and work. Yesterday someone who I don't even really talk with all that much congratulated me. I was so taken a back, I had no idea what to say. I didn't want to deny it, but I also didn't want just say "thank you" and let it spread further. I ended up saying that nothing was certain yet and we were waiting for another u/s before we got too excited. She apologized and said that she was under the impression that "everyone knew". I have no idea where the leak happened. I can only imagine that someone overhead a conversation I had with my friend from work who also went through IVF. There are 4 people who I have told at work, and I know that none of them would say anything. I guess I'm not really angry....I'm trying to push anger out of my life right now anyway....but I'm disappointed that I was not able to tell people on my terms. Which wouldn't have been for a few more weeks. I suppose this is what I can except working in an environment of 95% women. I dread having people come up to me at work on Saturday and say "congratulations" if we get bad news on Friday. This is just bad timing.