Scared and happy

I've decided that it is possible to be scared to death and thrilled at the same time. My beta yesterday was 950 (I think....isn't that funny after obsessing for so long about numbers I can't remember this exact one). All I know is that it doubled in 48 hours and the clinic is pleased. Right now that is all that really matters....except that lurking fear that it is ONLY doubling. It seems that there are so many more women out there with much higher betas at this point (yesterday I was 20dpo). Anyway, I go back for what will hopefully will be the last beta tomorrow, then ultrasound at 8:00am on Tuesday.

I've allowed myself to pull out my two pregnancy books and start re-reading them. I went into the attic and took inventory of my maternity clothes - I'm definitely going to need some more pants. And I have begun the wonderings of what we are going to do with the spare bedroom. I haven't done anything crazy like actually BUY anything, but I have been looking. It will be quite a while before I am that confident to make a purchase. Now all that sounds very well and optimistic, right? Well, then there is the flip side. I can't say the words "I'm pregnant" without the sidebar of "at least for the moment". Most of our talks about the future start off with a big "IF". C knocks on wood (literally) whenever we speak about the idea of another pair of footsteps around the house. We had made plans to go to Disney this fall (I would be 24 weeks). The trip was going to be a big one - I would be off for 12 days. We would drive down and stop in Atlanta to see C's sister, then spend on full week in Orlando. My parents have a time share that has 2-3 bedrooms, a full kitchen and a pool that is 1.5 acres. There are so many unknown factors right now, physically and financially, that I'm not sure it is going to happen. Anyone have an opinion about Disney in October at 5 months pregnant?

I am also very nervous about the actual delivery. Z's delivery turned into a bit of a nightmare. I was 9.5 cm at 11am and delivered (by c-section) at 7:20 pm. I pushed for at least 4 hours. So now I am faced with the decision on whether or not to TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and where to deliver. I feel a strong bond with the small hospital that I just left and it is only 25 minutes away, but they do not have anesthesia in house 24 hours a day, so if we needed to go to a c-section it might be delayed, which is scary. The standard is "30 minutes from decision to incision", but 30 minutes can be a lifetime when the shit is hitting the fan. The hospital where I am now is over an hour away and I don't care for about 1/2 of the attending physicians, but I could be seen by a midwife and anesthesia is right there all the time. Someone told me the fastest c-section they ever saw was 9 minutes from decision to baby. That is extremely reassuring. But the hour drive in late January/early February makes me nervous. I have until the 20th of June to pick a provider.

So, I'm trying to stay in the moment and be happy, even added a baby ticker, although it is low on my sidebar. But I am also focusing on keeping my feet on the ground in the reality that all of these wonderings may be a moot point. I'll move that ticker up the sidebar as my confidence in the outcome increases.