The next plan

I'm planning on calling the clinic today and telling them to pencil me in for ER week of Jan 12. I have put in for vacation time at work that will give me 11 days off during ER/ET (fortunately I only work 3 shifts per week, I only had to take 3 days of earned time to have that much time off). I have started weight watchers (again...) and have lost 2 pounds. My goal is to drop 10 pounds by the time we go to Disney and hopefully another 5-10 before my next ER. I think a total of 15 pounds by mid January is a bit more realistic. It is a mystery to me that I will do anything to have another baby- change jobs, take a pay cut, spend more time and money in gas getting to new job, give myself daily injections, go to therapy, have countless vagin.al ultrasounds.....but I can't seem to lose weight. WTF? I've been told that it is really the only change in my lifestyle that would improve my chances of conception - so what am I waiting for? Earlier this year I lost almost 20 pounds before IVF#1, and that did result in a pregnancy. Then I ate my way through the grief of the miscarriage and put back on about 13 of those pounds. So here I go again, battling my weight - life time battle that I wouldn't say I'm losing, but I'm not winning either.

I'm coming to grips with the BFN. This weekend at work was a little tough. I grabbed at the chance of taking labor patients vs post partum. The idea of holding someone else's baby or helping them breast feed is just too much for my heart to take right now. Occasionally the baby's will come out the nurse's station/nursery while the parents are taking a break, so the nurse's end up cuddling the baby's. It doesn't happen a lot, babies spend most of the time in the room with their parents, so when a baby is out with us, there is usually a fight about who gets to hold the baby...not me though. I'm all but running away from them. I know that if I was asked to rock/sooth a baby I would just burst into tears.

I'm in that weird place of not wanting to think about the "what ifs". And the big one is what if IVF#3 doesn't work? Will we try again? How many more times? I keep telling myself that I can't make those decisions now, because I don't know how I will feel when the time comes. Last night on the way home from work I thought that if I am not pregnant by next fall (2009) then maybe I will look at going back to school. I have a bachelor's degree in Kinesiology, an associates degree in nursing. I would either finish my bachelor's in nursing (I only have 3 classes left), or see about going straight into a master's in some sort of nursing. In the long run I see myself in a more administrative position....good lord, that is way too far away to think about right now. Especially considering I can't even make a decision about what I'm going to do today....do I knit and clean the house or paint the upstairs hallway? Or better yet, maybe I will just procrastinate by staying on the computer long enough that it will be too late to get involved in any projects. I like options #3!