<1

I've been absent - sorry. For no good reason until today. Transfer went well. We did a 5 dt of one blast and one morula, one embie made it to freeze. I felt miserable on Saturday, spent most of the day in bed and at the end of the day started to throw up. "Yippee", I thought in between dry heaves.

Today is another story. I had my beta this morning. My clinic does them pretty early on, 5 and 7 dpET. Usually the first specimen is frozen and run with the second so they get the doubling time and have a better indication of a viable pregnancy right off. Anyway, I was going to have my betas drawn at different labs, so they went ahead and ran the one from this morning. It was <1. No need to repeat beta on Wednesday. Progesterone has stopped. I have already discussed the next cycle with my nurse as now we are getting into holiday season...tentatively it looks like I might be set for ER the week of Jan 12.

But I digress.....the tears are almost overwhelming. My eyes are red and they burn with every blink. Of course I was at work when I got the results. In a unit filled with babies and pregnant co-workers. I lost it and I lost it big time. I went into an empty patient room and cried for an hour. Finally I called the charge nurse in, a friend of mine and someone who is well aware of my woes, and told her I could just not function today. I was able to leave early and discretely I don't have to go back to work until Saturday - this is a very well timed break.

So I did something stupid this evening. My parents are coming in town tomorrow, so we of course had to do some cleaning. I decided that there were things that needed to go up into the attic. As I am standing up there, awaiting the box of outgrown clothes of Z's that C is at the bottom of the stairs lifting over his head, I see Z's boppy, then the swing, her broken down crib, the baby gates, the high chair, booster chair, infant car seat, portable tub, and boxes upon boxes of clothes and baby gear. All are neatly packed and labeled, awaiting their next user. I felt defeated, wondering if it is time to give some of that stuff away - at least the clothes. I'm not ready to give up, but today there is only the smallest sliver of hope that remains that this will work. The good news it is still there, and good or bad I know that it will start to grow with virtually wild abandon once we are cycling again.

My recipe for comfort tonight was pizza, soda, C's strong shoulder to cry on, and later an ambien.

Tomorrow I climb back on that wagon that I fell off of a couple of weeks ago and start exercising. I'm hoping that my eyes will be a little drier and a little less red - thank goodness tomorrow is a therapy day.