Trading Places

Yesterday I asked C how many more times he could envision us doing IVF. I have had in my head that we would do a total of 3 fresh cycles and maybe an FET if we had the frosties for it. As my 40th (yes, FORTIETH) birthday looms just around the corner, I've been thinking quite a bit about our family's direction. TTC has consumed almost 3 years of our life. I've changed my job and possibly my career path as a result. C and I have grown closer in ways and more distant in others in the wake of this desperate attempt to grow our family. I know how lucky we are to have our daughter, and there are certainly times that I think - why isn't this enough? I wonder how our life might be different right now if we had not gone in this direction. If you had asked me a year ago how many times I would do IVF the answer would have been "as many as it takes". Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up what could potentially be a couple more years, I'm getting too old for that, and I don't want to miss our life that is going along at what seems light speed. My daughter has been having very rough mornings lately. The other day she ran outside into the yard as my car was pulling out of the driveway (at 5:30 am) crying that she would miss me and wanted to go to work with me....that is killing me. I think on some level she feels the impact of the stress IVF has brought into our house, of the miscarriage..... How could she not feel that? And I don't want to do this to her for very much longer, although ironically part of why we are trying so hard for another child is for her to have a sibling.

Anyway, I digress. So right now, I say 3 fresh cycles. C, who at the beginning of all of this said that we should try this once and see how it goes, says to me yesterday that he would do all the 6 cycles that our insurance will pay, if I am willing and the IVF team continues to be optimistic that this will work for us. Even though we are not really on the same page in regards to how long we will continue this, I was so reassured that he wants this as much as I do. C has been so supportive throughout this whole process and I know that he has an appreciation that so much of the burden (physically and emotionally) falls on me. He is very careful not to assert his position to aggressively, because when it comes down to it, it is my body and I have final say of how much of this I want to take. But to hear him say that he not only "would" but "wants" to go the distance on this, gives me wind to my sails. Right now I feel like we can accomplish anything....look at me I'm ten feet tall and bulletproof! Okay, now I'm getting a little carried away, and I will have to flag this post as the apex of my optimism, especially when I am at the nadir of my cycle.