A Long Walk Spoiled

Well, the family reunion was nice. We visited with cousins that I have not seen since our wedding in 2001. The whole weekend was very busy - as it is usually down there. I did get to go on a lovely long walk with my SIL and talk about my woes. At the beginning of this journey (Jan 2006) I was pretty open about our intentions. I especially talked to my co-workers about the probability of VBAC-ing. Just about everyone at work knew when we had resorted to medical interventions. Now, it is a very different story. Only one person has asked about what has been going on during the last couple of weeks and the only thing I could think of to say is: "you don't want to know". I am learning the hard way that if I don't want to hear "just relax" then I shouldn't tell anyone what we are going through, because unless the person has been there, that is the standard response. So in light of all that, it was nice to be able to talk to someone IRL that just listened- didn't offer any suggestions. The best thing she said during this talk was that "only (I) knew what was best for my family, nobody can make this decision for (me)." Of course I know this in my heart, but it was nice to hear.



Thursday I went on another long walk with some new friends that I have met through my daughter's preschool. Both women have two children and are around my age. Their youngest children (8 months and 18 months) came with us on the walk, so it was an hour and a half of juggling strollers and babies. About half way through the walk my career came up and then it was almost non-stop discussion about birth experiences. I also mentioned that I was looking into applying to a larger hospital. Then, and I knew it was coming "so, are you going to have anymore kids?" Well, I fumbled, must have seem like an idiot - it's an easy question for most right? But I really like these women, I feel like there is a connection. So I ever so briefly spilled the beans. "We've been trying for a long time, looks like we need IVF". Drum roll......."you should just relax" "you should get a dog".......sigh. All I could say was "it's not that easy" and closed the book on that conversation. What was I thinking?



So today my mind is spinning a little. Am I in the 2ww? Once again this month I have done no monitoring. I have had no CM changes so I haven't a clue when I O'd. I am waiting to hear back from the clinic on my clomid challenge results. I'm not really expecting anything unusual as my last FSH was 4- but that was last year. How quickly can those eggs go bad? I am harboring some hope that since I hit the "submit" button on my application to the big scary hospital, that this of course means that I will be pregnant this month. Silly rabbit, why do I put my self through this mental torture? It's my birthday in a couple of days. I will be sleeping for most of it as I work the night before. I'm not sure if there will be any hoopla. I have mixed feelings about even acknowledging this event. I will be 39...THIRTY NINE!