New direction?

My temp dropped a little more again today. I'm anticipating AF either later today or tomorrow. The likelihood of me ovulating on the left again I think is slim, so I am preparing myself mentally for an off cycle. Of course we still do clomid, and won't know until cd 8-9 or so if this one is a bust. I'm starting to have some doubts about continuing with Dr. O.T. even for one more cycle. He wants us (C) to abstain from ANY "activity" starting on cd 3. From everything that I have heard, 48-72 hours prior to IUI is plenty. In light of C's last specimen, I think that we had a case of DSB (deadly sperm buildup). Maybe we'll just have our own schedule this next time...assuming that there is a next time.

Our only other option is to go to an RE that is at least an hour away. My regular OB had told me that they would probably want to do there own testing, and u/s which means a whole lot of driving time and money. My first thought is that maybe I could just take some vacation time during the anticipated week of u/s and IUI, but we are SO short staffed right now it would not be approved. PLUS, that means a $500 deductible and then 20% of regular visits, but 100% of anything that "induces pregnancy". I wonder if they would pay for the IUIs that have not in fact induced pregnancy? It only makes sense doesn't it? We want a child so desperately that the idea of money coming into factor make me want to vomit.

So I'm feeling pretty beaten down. More in a daze than anything else - not wallowing in depression or anger - yet. Although I did have some words for C when innocently enough he asked "what's wrong" last night - hmmmmm, let me think. Oh yah, I have slept a whopping 3.75 hours, a good friend is starting chemo tomorrow, Z was a nightmare to put to bed and I left her screaming her bloody head off - which breaks my heart to do, the house is a mess and AF is on the way for a visit, 3 years ago Friday Marya died, I have just come off a hellish week's worth of work, and C spent the evening talking fantasy baseball on the phone. "No, honey, everything is just fine." Ok so I didn't say that, but my sarcastic side wanted to so badly.

So I feel like I need to do something else, change the direction of my life, if even ever so slightly. I have already tried months and months of acupuncture, maybe I'll go back to the massage route - certainly couldn't hurt at this point right? I also feel like I have lost my joy lately - doing the things that make me happy. So here in front of all my bloggy friends I am declaring that I will take time for me.

I will start:

• yoga and/or pilates again
• spending more time outside
• reading books for entertainment vs education
• listening to music that touches my soul
• knitting again
• to connect with old friends - even if they are pregnant or have an infant
• spend more time with C that doesn't involve running errands or talking about the checkbook
• getting back into some amateur photography

Reading those back, it is a modest list. But they are things that I am not doing right now, and I miss them terribly.