alone

So I've been surfing around, clicking on links from links of blogs. There appears to be a lot of pregnant infertiles out there! Now, somewhere in me I am happy for them. Somewhere closer to the surface there is the thought "this is good news, treatments actually do work". But what is bubbling up is "damn-it, why not me?" I spent a good part of the day with a dear friend who has a 5 month old. We started ttc 6 months before they did, and it was an "oops, we didn't think we could get pregnant this fast" situation. My daughter was fascinated with the baby. She has seen her before, but this was the first time they had this much time to interact. My daughter was stroking her face, bringing her toys, laughing and singing to her. While the vision of this initially warmed my heart, I suddenly was quite sad - this is how she would be to a little brother or sister. Later I held her in my arms and for the first time seriously let myself wonder what our life would be like if Z was an only child.

I am feeling very alone today. Alone in my sadness, grief, and worry. Reading blogs usually helps, but I keep on ending up on pages of women who are newly pregnant.