Thanks for the support Hez! The good news is that this 2ww is flying by, the bad news is it is because I have been so freakin' busy I can't see straight. I am working a nightmare schedule: 3 nights on (12 hour shifts), one night off, then another 3 nights on. Adding insult to injury we have been super busy at work. I come home in the morning and crash, sleep for 5 hours, lay in bed and try to will myself to sleep for a couple more, abandon the effort and get out of bed to have dinner and shower, then go back to work. I feel like I haven't seen my family in weeks. I did get some fun cuddle time with my daughter today while I was trying to sleep. We were lying there face to face and she puts her hand on my shoulder, pats it gently and whispers "Momma, you're my best friend". Life really doesn't get any better than that.
My adenomyosis pain started up last week almost on cue - actually a day earlier than expected. I swear I can manipulate any situation in my head. For example: In the past whenever I started up with the adenomyosis pain, I always thought that meant that that cycle was a bust and I abandon all hope at that point. Then I heard that the pain might not go away right away or even completely. Normally this pain lasts for a week or so, and is so painful that I am doubled over crying. (I pride myself as a pretty tough person. I once walked 60 miles in 3 days in a walk for breast cancer, 40 of those miles, I found out later, I had a broken ankle). Anyway, this month the pain is definitely there, I still need my hot pack, but there have been no tears. Good news right? Not so much, the way I twist it around in my head. I have now convinced myself that the reason why my pain isn't so bad is because my lining is so poor. (Adenomyosis is the growth of endometrial tissue in the wall of the uterus). With everything that we had going during the IUI this time around, I forgot to ask Dr. O.T. if he measured the lining. I think he just glances at it, I've never seen him measure it.
*warning death and cancer mentioned in detail in the following paragraph*
This Friday will be 14/15 dpiui. The day that AF will likely arrive. It is also the 3rd anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. She died from ovarian cancer 12 days after my daughter was born. Our next child (God willing) will be named after her in some form or fashion. This whole time of year is very emotionally charged for me. I try not to focus on the day of her death, but it is difficult. When I think about my birth experience, it is wrapped up with threads of my friend's death. The day I delivered was the day she was put into Hospice care. I lived 2 hours away, I had had a C-section and Z was kept in the hospital for several days due to jaundice so I couldn't run down there to be by her side. Early in her diagnosis I was the one who spent the nights holding her hand in the hospital. I was there for every surgery, the head shaving, the puking, the chemo. It was so hard to be so over the moon happy about the birth of my daughter, and devastated by the knowledge of her imminent death. Z did get a chance to meet her, briefly. Four days before she passed we made the trip to see her, for me to say good-bye. She was on morphine and not terribly coherent. When I told her I was going to take Z back out to my husband, she said "just wait, I want to look at her a little more." It was the last time she made a real cohesive sentence. We did not have a funeral, we had a celebration of her life - that was on my original due date.
So this 2ww is going by quickly, but not really in the way that I hoped it would. I had a mini-melt down today. Partially I'm sure is pure exhaustion, part emotional, part hormonal - a pretty deadly combination for DH!
Back to some more good news. Next weekend our family will be heading to Boston for a short and sweet visit with my best friend J and her family. J is a former IFer, still involved in Resolve down in Austin, TX. She has been my touch stone during all of this. She is also the one who recommended that I read some blogs - I never thought at the time that I would actually be writing one. I am so thankful that I have found this community of strong women who are willing to share such an intimate part of there lives.
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