I saw Dr. Old Timer Monday. I am frustrated with him. He doesn't believe in doing a lot of testing, basically saying that it wouldn't change anything that we are doing now. Which I understand, I really do, but some of this doesn't make very much sense to me. I just had the most bizarre AF ever. (Skip ahead to next paragraph if you don't want the details). It only lasted 2 days, the first day I spotted red then it turned brown - which is normal for me. Then it goes from brown to almost black with sediment. And then almost abruptly stops. Usually AF stays for 3-4 days.
So I discuss the details of AF and Dr. Old Timer says that is likely the result of a "poor lining". He makes the comparison between a cycle on BCP and the period I just described. I was on BCP for YEARS and never had a cycle like that. So since this is the first IUI, I am nervous that we are stimulating ovulation early, but the lining isn't ready. Aren't there hormone levels that will detect a problem with the lining - is it progesterone? Anyway, he placates me by saying that we can repeat my blood work if I want, but it won't change anything.....what am I supposed to say to that? Then he tells me that he will not be doing IUI after October and that I should start thinking about IVF. I have four months, and with only one fallopian tube and the wrong ovary seemingly a bit of a bully, I am nervous about how many of those four months will actually be possible to do an IUI.
The good news (and only good news) about this particular visit is that my left ovary is already showing two follies that are larger than any on the right. CD3 and they are already 9.3 mm. Then I leave the doctor's office to get my clomid prescription filled and the pharmacy had closed early. The next day I go to the pharmacy first thing in the AM, they told me it would be 20 minutes, I come back 30 minutes later and they say "We don't have that in stock, we had to order it. Hopefully it will be here tomorrow." I was just about to throw a hissy fit after I asked for my prescription back and someone in the back happened to overhear the conversation and said that they did indeed have it, and it would be ready shortly. Crisis averted. There are not too many options for pharmacies in this area and I would have been screwed for another day or two if they could not get it.
In the meantime, I work for the next couple of nights, then off to visit my brother's family for the weekend. I have the telling u/s on Monday to see which side is ovulating, and hopefully an IUI by the end of the week. Why is it that the first two weeks of the cycle goes by so fast and the last two is like a slow walk through purgatory?
So between now and next weekend here is list of activities: work 3 12 hour night shifts and one day shift, drive 2.5 hours (one way) to visit with my brother's family, get some professional pictures of Z, attend/help organize a last minute 40th anniversary party for my in-laws, clean my house in anticipation of my entire family coming for the weekend, organize and throw a birthday party for my daughter, go to 2 doctor's appointments, hopefully have an IUI. Piece a cake.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Lemons
We have a little wooden plaque that I see everyday as I come down the stairs. It's one of those household things that have been there for so long that you don't really pay attention to it most times. Yesterday I paused and read it again, it says:
When Life gives you lemons, smile politely and throw them away when Life isn't looking.
Funny little thing right? Not deep, just a kooky little saying. However, I started thinking about all the platitudes (aka - lemonade) that us IFers get during a failed cycle. "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be this time around" "God has a plan" "You don't know it now, but there is a reason why it didn't work". And while all of that very well may be true, no amount of trying to find the "good" in a failed cycle really helps me. A failed cycle is just that, no hidden message, no great reveal of the universe's grand plan for my life, it is just a failed cycle. So, I get up, brush myself off, throw out the lemons and start over again.
Tomorrow I go for my cd3 us...should have been a beta. I'm still feeling sane, which is a welcome change, just a little blue. Thanks for the love and support and comments., I can't believe how much a couple of simple, kind words from a stranger can lift me back up.
When Life gives you lemons, smile politely and throw them away when Life isn't looking.
Funny little thing right? Not deep, just a kooky little saying. However, I started thinking about all the platitudes (aka - lemonade) that us IFers get during a failed cycle. "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be this time around" "God has a plan" "You don't know it now, but there is a reason why it didn't work". And while all of that very well may be true, no amount of trying to find the "good" in a failed cycle really helps me. A failed cycle is just that, no hidden message, no great reveal of the universe's grand plan for my life, it is just a failed cycle. So, I get up, brush myself off, throw out the lemons and start over again.
Tomorrow I go for my cd3 us...should have been a beta. I'm still feeling sane, which is a welcome change, just a little blue. Thanks for the love and support and comments., I can't believe how much a couple of simple, kind words from a stranger can lift me back up.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Stress reduction and cat hair
So this is my third day in a row with a temperature drop. I'm not at all surprised. After the disappointment wore off, I actually feel a little relieved. Well, maybe relieved is not the right word, but not as stressed. The pressure is off for the moment and that feels good. Just waiting for AF and anticipating an u/s early next week to start over again. But in the mean time, I take my temperature when I wake up and that's it - life is simple right now and I am starting to feel sane again. I am not walking around groping myself so that I can analyze every little thing. I am trying not to think too far ahead, calculating when the next u/s and IUI might happen. If I look too carefully I think that I will find it will be during the time my entire family is up for a visit for my daughter's birthday. Okay, those thought need to go away, I was in a happy place moments ago.
I have been sitting on the floor by our sliding glass door for the last 45 minutes trying to brush cat hair off the curtain. My daughter has just discovered the joys of hide and seek, but the only place she will hide is - you guessed it - behind the curtain. Pre-hide and seek I had no idea that our cat was depositing such large quantities of hair back there. She is part Maine Coon and black as night, need I say more? We are seriously thinking about having her shaved.
I have been sitting on the floor by our sliding glass door for the last 45 minutes trying to brush cat hair off the curtain. My daughter has just discovered the joys of hide and seek, but the only place she will hide is - you guessed it - behind the curtain. Pre-hide and seek I had no idea that our cat was depositing such large quantities of hair back there. She is part Maine Coon and black as night, need I say more? We are seriously thinking about having her shaved.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
My breasts are mocking me
Last night I went to bed at 7:30.....SEVEN THIRTY! I was nauseous and had a monster headache. I felt like crap, but a tiny part of me was saying "yippeeee". I woke up at 2:00 am and could not get back to sleep until about 5:30. I was so restless that I actually got up and watched some TV. I ended up taking my temperature around 7:30 (I don't have a usual time because of my work schedule) and it was down 0.7 degrees. So I convinced myself that the temperature variation was because I had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep. But wouldn't it be elevated if it's not a true bbt? So as I get going for the day, I notice that my bbs are still tender and I think getting bigger by the day. So temperature be damned, I broke down and POAS-----BFN. It could still be too early to tell, but I don't think it's looking good....trying to prepare myself for AF this weekend.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Positivity
I've had so many thoughts bouncing around in my head the last few days that I'm not even sure where to begin. First off- I'm surprised I am still married. I have been one moody b*tch these last few days. Angry at my husband one minute for not putting the trash bag in the can right, and crying the next because it seems like its been forever since we've been intimate, then pushing him away the next. C should be sainted. When I go to apologize he seems truly dumbfounded that I am apologizing, saying that he understands the stress I'm under. Back off ladies, he's mine.
Well, my proclamation of "I don't think this is the month" was short lived. I'm back to "well....maybe...." My bbs are still tender - this usually peaks a couple of days after ovulation and goes away completely before my period. It has been just the opposite this month. I also have had just a low level of nausea for the last few days. Nothing significant, it hasn't changed my eating habits unfortunately, but just feeling kind of blah. This could also be contributed to my wacky work schedule and the fact that we have been quite busy lately. It is a little difficult to assess my temperature compared to previous months because this was the first month with a trigger injection (and I got it 4 days earlier than I would normally ovulate), but my temperature is still quite high. Now this next "symptom" is quite a stretch, so don't laugh too hard. After working an exceptionally busy night, 2 people told me that I looked great...and were kind enough to go on and on about it.
them: "You look fantastic! Did you work all night?"
me : " Thanks, yes, but I feel terrible"
them: "Well, you just look so good, I can't believe that you worked all night. You look so refreshed" etc, etc.
So here's where the funny part comes in...the first thing I think is that I must have that mysterious glow of pregnancy. So add all of this together and I almost took a pregnancy test this morning.....but that damn trigger injection could give me a false positive, so I suppose I'll wait for my beta on Tuesday.
I have a new favorite song - "Positivity" by Stevie Wonder. I am making an effort to listen to it every day. Not only are the lyrics amazing, but it is a very peppy tune and I find myself dancing around the kitchen. I tried to find a link on YouTube to post here, but the only one I found was buried in a 9 minute interview and the sound quality was not that good. If you get the chance you should listen to it. The line that I am clinging on to is:
"You can always look at the negative
But you should always live in the positive
So I try everyday to live that way"
I found out at work the other day that Dr. Old Timer is on the short track to retirement. He was actually supposed to retire by August of this year, but an even older OB beat him to it. (There are only 3 OBs at our hospital, so they asked Dr. Old Timer to postpone until they could find a replacement). Well his replacement has been signed, so who knows how long he will stick around. This might mean that biting the financial bullet may come sooner rather than later to seek out an RE. We are already pretty tight on our "budget" (I say that with quotes because we never really stick to a budget) so factoring in out of network costs for something as simple as an IUI will be tricky.
My daughter's birthday is in a couple of weeks, so at least I will have something to occasionally distract me from my obsession. We are having family and a couple of friends, nothing too fancy, but I don't like leaving things for the last minute either.
Well, my proclamation of "I don't think this is the month" was short lived. I'm back to "well....maybe...." My bbs are still tender - this usually peaks a couple of days after ovulation and goes away completely before my period. It has been just the opposite this month. I also have had just a low level of nausea for the last few days. Nothing significant, it hasn't changed my eating habits unfortunately, but just feeling kind of blah. This could also be contributed to my wacky work schedule and the fact that we have been quite busy lately. It is a little difficult to assess my temperature compared to previous months because this was the first month with a trigger injection (and I got it 4 days earlier than I would normally ovulate), but my temperature is still quite high. Now this next "symptom" is quite a stretch, so don't laugh too hard. After working an exceptionally busy night, 2 people told me that I looked great...and were kind enough to go on and on about it.
them: "You look fantastic! Did you work all night?"
me : " Thanks, yes, but I feel terrible"
them: "Well, you just look so good, I can't believe that you worked all night. You look so refreshed" etc, etc.
So here's where the funny part comes in...the first thing I think is that I must have that mysterious glow of pregnancy. So add all of this together and I almost took a pregnancy test this morning.....but that damn trigger injection could give me a false positive, so I suppose I'll wait for my beta on Tuesday.
I have a new favorite song - "Positivity" by Stevie Wonder. I am making an effort to listen to it every day. Not only are the lyrics amazing, but it is a very peppy tune and I find myself dancing around the kitchen. I tried to find a link on YouTube to post here, but the only one I found was buried in a 9 minute interview and the sound quality was not that good. If you get the chance you should listen to it. The line that I am clinging on to is:
"You can always look at the negative
But you should always live in the positive
So I try everyday to live that way"
I found out at work the other day that Dr. Old Timer is on the short track to retirement. He was actually supposed to retire by August of this year, but an even older OB beat him to it. (There are only 3 OBs at our hospital, so they asked Dr. Old Timer to postpone until they could find a replacement). Well his replacement has been signed, so who knows how long he will stick around. This might mean that biting the financial bullet may come sooner rather than later to seek out an RE. We are already pretty tight on our "budget" (I say that with quotes because we never really stick to a budget) so factoring in out of network costs for something as simple as an IUI will be tricky.
My daughter's birthday is in a couple of weeks, so at least I will have something to occasionally distract me from my obsession. We are having family and a couple of friends, nothing too fancy, but I don't like leaving things for the last minute either.
Monday, June 18, 2007
10 dpo and going a bit wacky in the head
I wonder if my "unexplained" infertility is really "unexplored" infertility. The only b/w I've had done was hormone levels late in my cycle and that was months ago. Everything came back mostly ok, my progesterone was within normal limits but on the low side. I've had an exploratory lap for endo, in which they didn't find anything to remove, but they did take out the right fallopian tube because it looked "mangled". Path report came back with evidence of endo in the tube. I've had an HSG and a hysteroscopy - both all clear. But with everything that I've been reading there can be so many hormonal imbalances involved in not only getting pg but maintaining it. My doctor (I will start calling him Dr. Old Timer, because first off he is old, and second so is his way of practicing medicine) is a regular OB, not an RE. He has the attitude that he is the doctor and I am the patient and he is in charge of this process. There is no collaboration, he listens to my theories, but I honestly don't think that he gives them much credence. Even though I am a nurse which he works with frequently, he certainly does not see me as a colleague, more of a doctor's handmaiden. If a friend came to me and described his way of practicing I would say "RUUUNNNNNN!" But, he is the only practitioner locally that I can go to for this level of treatment. I'm thinking that if after the 3rd IUI we are still not pregnant we will have to bite the financial bullet and go to an actual RE - which is over an hour way each way, in good weather. I still have not seen an EOB from my insurance company with regards to the serial u/s. I have been told that they will pay for diagnosis and treatment of a "mechanical" problem with infertility, but will not pay for anything that is suppose to induce pregnancy (ie, clomid, iui, and certainly not ivf).
I came across something terribly depressing the other day. Before I found out I was pg with my daughter, I thought about how I would tell C - I wanted it to be special and memorable. I was in such shock when I saw those two lines that I just yelled for him to come into the bathroom and blurted out "look at this!". So, this time around I came up with a great idea. I was going to buy this cute little t-shirt that says "big sister in training" on it and put it on my daughter and send her off to C. Well, in January of 2006 (the first month we started trying) I was so sure that I was pg that I went online and bought the shirt and had it overnighted. I bought it in a 2T and 3T, because Z was in between sizes at the time. Needless to say, she has never worn the shirts, C has never seen them, and they sit all neatly folded in a deep corner of the bathroom closet. I don't think I can handle the thought that the larger shirt won't fit her by the time its needed.
This 2ww is killing me - as I know it does most women. I have been so sure so many times in the last year and a half that "this was it". I don't trust my body anymore. I told C today that he needed to stop talking about my bbs, because it was just adding to my obsession. I can honestly say that I don't think this is the month. I have said that before, but have secretly really thought it was. No secrets this time. Unfortunately, it could be a month or more before I ovulate on my left side again.....so until then its just more waiting. I should call my therapist.
I came across something terribly depressing the other day. Before I found out I was pg with my daughter, I thought about how I would tell C - I wanted it to be special and memorable. I was in such shock when I saw those two lines that I just yelled for him to come into the bathroom and blurted out "look at this!". So, this time around I came up with a great idea. I was going to buy this cute little t-shirt that says "big sister in training" on it and put it on my daughter and send her off to C. Well, in January of 2006 (the first month we started trying) I was so sure that I was pg that I went online and bought the shirt and had it overnighted. I bought it in a 2T and 3T, because Z was in between sizes at the time. Needless to say, she has never worn the shirts, C has never seen them, and they sit all neatly folded in a deep corner of the bathroom closet. I don't think I can handle the thought that the larger shirt won't fit her by the time its needed.
This 2ww is killing me - as I know it does most women. I have been so sure so many times in the last year and a half that "this was it". I don't trust my body anymore. I told C today that he needed to stop talking about my bbs, because it was just adding to my obsession. I can honestly say that I don't think this is the month. I have said that before, but have secretly really thought it was. No secrets this time. Unfortunately, it could be a month or more before I ovulate on my left side again.....so until then its just more waiting. I should call my therapist.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
I hate day shift
Every once in a blue moon I will work a day shift (7am-7pm), and today is one of those days. There are a handful of reasons why I generally prefer night shift over days.
1. The phone does not ring as much on nights with people calling to ask silly questions (ie - what type of training is available for a 16 year old that wants to babysit - we are a childbirth center, if they are over 3 weeks old we don't have much to do with them).
2. Patients who come in at night usually have a legitimate complaint. If any pregnant woman walks in the door of the ER and she is over 28 weeks, they have to see us for an assessment. Even if she is there for dental pain. These type of patients usually come in during the day.
3. I am paranoid that I will over sleep, so I do not sleep well and tend to wake up every hour or so after 2 am to look at my alarm clock.
4. There are too many extra people milling around during the day - housekeeping, administration, etc.
Now here is why I hate working this particular day shift (today).
1. At 8 am a nurse from another floor came over to drop something off and started talking about how she is trying to get pregnant. It has been TWO months and she is starting to complain that it is not working out with her schedule. She also mentions that she wants to "be done with the kid thing" before she is 31. She feels it would just be too awful to be 50 and have kids still living at home. I have no sympathy, and I almost got up and walked away.
2. Someone calls and asks us how to read a pregnancy test. Her friend brought(stole?)her some tests from the hospital where she works, but they don't come with instructions. It was an excruciating conversation because she was not being clear with describing the windows. (caller: "there is an up and down line and and side to side line" me: "which line is in which box" caller: "they are in one box" me: "so you have a plus sign in one box" caller: "I guess" me: "That sounds positive, because it is a positive sign. Why can't you buy a pregnancy test so you have the instructions?" caller: "yea, that is what I thought I would do next" me (in my head): "then why the hell did you call?"
3. I'm going through charts and find out there are at least 3 women coming in over the next few months that are having their second baby since we've been trying.
4. One of those women gave her other two children up for adoption - so why is she pregnant AGAIN!
5. It looks like it is beautiful day out today and I cannot spend it with my family.
6. As suspected EVERYBODY at work knows about the IUI and I have had a million questions about it. My supervisor called from home to ask me about my vacation (I think this was really just a decoy for her real question), and the second I paused she blurted out "When do you find out?"
7. I'm in a lot of pain today. I'm using my hot pack every hour or two.
My hopes were up last night. As I was getting dressed from getting out of the shower, C happened to walk by. He stopped in his tracks and said "well those are different!" Now that comment will get any one's attention. According to C my areola appeared darker and larger - he said to trust him, he notices these things. I did convince myself that there was a difference, but it seems to have gone away (or was never there at all). So back to twoweekwait.com to see if that is a common early symptom. Not so much - a later one maybe, but not this early. Well, my hot pack is beckoning to me again.........
1. The phone does not ring as much on nights with people calling to ask silly questions (ie - what type of training is available for a 16 year old that wants to babysit - we are a childbirth center, if they are over 3 weeks old we don't have much to do with them).
2. Patients who come in at night usually have a legitimate complaint. If any pregnant woman walks in the door of the ER and she is over 28 weeks, they have to see us for an assessment. Even if she is there for dental pain. These type of patients usually come in during the day.
3. I am paranoid that I will over sleep, so I do not sleep well and tend to wake up every hour or so after 2 am to look at my alarm clock.
4. There are too many extra people milling around during the day - housekeeping, administration, etc.
Now here is why I hate working this particular day shift (today).
1. At 8 am a nurse from another floor came over to drop something off and started talking about how she is trying to get pregnant. It has been TWO months and she is starting to complain that it is not working out with her schedule. She also mentions that she wants to "be done with the kid thing" before she is 31. She feels it would just be too awful to be 50 and have kids still living at home. I have no sympathy, and I almost got up and walked away.
2. Someone calls and asks us how to read a pregnancy test. Her friend brought(stole?)her some tests from the hospital where she works, but they don't come with instructions. It was an excruciating conversation because she was not being clear with describing the windows. (caller: "there is an up and down line and and side to side line" me: "which line is in which box" caller: "they are in one box" me: "so you have a plus sign in one box" caller: "I guess" me: "That sounds positive, because it is a positive sign. Why can't you buy a pregnancy test so you have the instructions?" caller: "yea, that is what I thought I would do next" me (in my head): "then why the hell did you call?"
3. I'm going through charts and find out there are at least 3 women coming in over the next few months that are having their second baby since we've been trying.
4. One of those women gave her other two children up for adoption - so why is she pregnant AGAIN!
5. It looks like it is beautiful day out today and I cannot spend it with my family.
6. As suspected EVERYBODY at work knows about the IUI and I have had a million questions about it. My supervisor called from home to ask me about my vacation (I think this was really just a decoy for her real question), and the second I paused she blurted out "When do you find out?"
7. I'm in a lot of pain today. I'm using my hot pack every hour or two.
My hopes were up last night. As I was getting dressed from getting out of the shower, C happened to walk by. He stopped in his tracks and said "well those are different!" Now that comment will get any one's attention. According to C my areola appeared darker and larger - he said to trust him, he notices these things. I did convince myself that there was a difference, but it seems to have gone away (or was never there at all). So back to twoweekwait.com to see if that is a common early symptom. Not so much - a later one maybe, but not this early. Well, my hot pack is beckoning to me again.........
Friday, June 15, 2007
Babies in the sky
I've been anticipating it for a few days now, and here it is: adenomyosis pain. It started late last night and woke me up off and on. It only lasts for about 15-20 minutes at a time, but can happen every hour for several hours. Sometimes it only strikes a few times a day, but other times it seems like I am in the fetal position with a hot water bottle for the majority of the day. Usually this goes on for a week. So far it hasn't been too frequent, but pretty intense. Since I am now in the 2ww, I hate to take anything for the pain - not that there is much that will help - but a Tylenol with codeine or an ambien to help me sleep certainly didn't hurt before we were ttc. I won't take anything now that will jeopardize or harm a potential pregnancy - so my bbf is my hot water bottle. Still no other symptoms, no tender bbs, no bleeding gums, no unusual fatigue....just a few lingering twinges here and there. I could say that I'm a little bloated - and I'm sure the potato chips had NOTHING to do with it.
We left the Cape around noon on Thurs, got stuck in traffic for a wicked accident and made it back home around 5. Then it was off to bed for a few hour nap and here I now sit at 4 am at work. No craziness happening tonight - thank goodness.
I wish I could say that the time away took my mind off the waiting and the analyzing every little twinge, but it didn't. On the drive home I gazed up into the sky and saw these beautiful puffy clouds. One might see a bunny or another woodland creature in the sky, but what is the first thing that I see - a baby. It struck me then and there how much this is on my mind. No real surprise I guess, I'm blogging, I'm reading blogs and I'm going onto websites like twoweekwait.com and fertilityfriend.com. Somehow seeing babies in the sky really shone a light on my obsession. Mind you, I don't plan on doing anything differently, I am just aware.
We left the Cape around noon on Thurs, got stuck in traffic for a wicked accident and made it back home around 5. Then it was off to bed for a few hour nap and here I now sit at 4 am at work. No craziness happening tonight - thank goodness.
I wish I could say that the time away took my mind off the waiting and the analyzing every little twinge, but it didn't. On the drive home I gazed up into the sky and saw these beautiful puffy clouds. One might see a bunny or another woodland creature in the sky, but what is the first thing that I see - a baby. It struck me then and there how much this is on my mind. No real surprise I guess, I'm blogging, I'm reading blogs and I'm going onto websites like twoweekwait.com and fertilityfriend.com. Somehow seeing babies in the sky really shone a light on my obsession. Mind you, I don't plan on doing anything differently, I am just aware.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Wonderings
Today was pretty low key. We all slept in, even my daughter. Must be the weather. It is cold, overcast and looks like it will rain any minute. We went to an indoor pool, then to a park while my dad played in a softball game in an "Old Timer's" league. Nothing too exciting, but that is certainly okay with me. We leave tomorrow after lunch. We will get home just in time for me to go to sleep for couple of hours then go to work for the night. I usually work 12 hour shifts and tomorrow I will work an 8 - so the night should fly by.
Spending this time with my mom makes me wonder what my daughter will be like in the years to come. My mom and I couldn't be more different. She has never worked - although she has a B.S. in Chemistry (I SUCK at Chemistry - my only D in college, and I work full time), she hates to shop (I believe strongly in retail therapy), the only name brand items she has in her possession comes from the thrift shop - where she works (I have a personal relationship with Coach, Talbots, etc). I love my mom, I do. And I admire how simply she lives her life, with virtually no regard for materialistic needs. She saved a receipt from her grocery trip the other day where she saved 59% by buying items on sale. So I wonder what my daughter will choose to disregard when she is older - hopefully it will be something as benign as shopping.
I took a 2 hour nap today. My first thought was that...Oooh, I'm tired, this must be an early pregnancy symptom (damn you twoweekwait.com!). But- I stayed up until 1:30 am last night. And I am almost ALWAYS tired - working full time nights will do that to a gal. My adenomyosis pain has not kicked in yet, just a few little twinges. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.
Thank you for comments, it is very comforting to me to know that there are women out there that can relate to what I am going through.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
5 dpiui
So much for my vacation taking my mind off the 2ww. My parents just took Z out for a walk and what do I do? I spent the entire time on twoweekwait.com reading post after post about other women's early pregnancy symptoms. What I couldn't stand was the comments like "we FINALLY got a BFP after 3 months of ttc". THREE months - give me a break! Really, some people just have no idea.
I saw that my blog is now linked on cyclesista.com - yay. Up until this point I think I have only had one reader (thanks J!). Anyway, I welcome comments, shared experiences and links to your fertility blogs. I should make one correction/clarification. I am listed under IUI/inj. But I am only receiving a trigger injection of hCG.
I did have an increase in temp this morning- yipee. But I have had absolutely no change in CM at all this month - unusual for me. I'm having some twinges on both sides- not sure if it is my adenomyosis starting to kick in or what. I'm not sleeping very well- but that could be because I am at my parents' house, which is on the small side. This morning I woke up to my daughter running down the hall to the bathroom yelling "I've gotta go POOP!" Now who could go back to sleep after that?
We will probably be heading to the beach or an indoor pool - depending on if the weather cooperates. It's not looking too good right now.
I saw that my blog is now linked on cyclesista.com - yay. Up until this point I think I have only had one reader (thanks J!). Anyway, I welcome comments, shared experiences and links to your fertility blogs. I should make one correction/clarification. I am listed under IUI/inj. But I am only receiving a trigger injection of hCG.
I did have an increase in temp this morning- yipee. But I have had absolutely no change in CM at all this month - unusual for me. I'm having some twinges on both sides- not sure if it is my adenomyosis starting to kick in or what. I'm not sleeping very well- but that could be because I am at my parents' house, which is on the small side. This morning I woke up to my daughter running down the hall to the bathroom yelling "I've gotta go POOP!" Now who could go back to sleep after that?
We will probably be heading to the beach or an indoor pool - depending on if the weather cooperates. It's not looking too good right now.
Monday, June 11, 2007
All for not
My stress about my mother's reaction was completely wasted. On the phone yesterday she had asked if I had my "procedure" and proceeded to ask very appropriate questions. Jump to today (I am now at my parents' house) and we had a long discussion about what IUI entailed and what kind of monitoring I am doing. At the end of the conversation I had said that I was relieved that she had brought up the topic because I thought that it was something we were not going to be able to talk about freely. She replied by saying that she "just didn't know anything about it". ------Whew.
Last night's debacle at work got worse when we had a 26 weeker who was bleeding and cramping come in followed by 2 patients in labor. That meant we had 3 babies in the nursery (Jane and John Doe plus a premie that was there for respiratory problems), one mother baby couplet, one of the mother's that was giving her baby up for adoption and two labor patients. Doesn't sound like a lot, but here is the kicker - we are only staffed with two RNs - no secretary, no LNAs....just the two of us. (Did I mention that we are a small hospital?). I left work late in the morning because I was still finishing up paperwork. Unfortunately that meant that my mini vaca was delayed. I went home to sleep for about 4.5 hours then got up and drove 4 hours to the Cape.
EVERYbody at work knows about my IUI on Friday. And the most common question- "When do you find out?" I'm glad I am able to get out of town for a few days, if nothing else to escape the questions. My temperature plummeted this morning - but that is also relatively normal for me. I have started to feel some twinges of my monthly pelvic pain. That seems to be on schedule with when I received the trigger injection (I usually get the pain 4-5 days after I have a positive OPK). But since we did the hCG this month, I ovulated about 4 days earlier than usual. All in all, I would be happier if the pain was completely gone - a sign for me that I am pregnant, but I'm trying to view this as a positive sign that it is coinciding with the forced ovulation. I'm looking for any kid of silver lining I can get.
Last night's debacle at work got worse when we had a 26 weeker who was bleeding and cramping come in followed by 2 patients in labor. That meant we had 3 babies in the nursery (Jane and John Doe plus a premie that was there for respiratory problems), one mother baby couplet, one of the mother's that was giving her baby up for adoption and two labor patients. Doesn't sound like a lot, but here is the kicker - we are only staffed with two RNs - no secretary, no LNAs....just the two of us. (Did I mention that we are a small hospital?). I left work late in the morning because I was still finishing up paperwork. Unfortunately that meant that my mini vaca was delayed. I went home to sleep for about 4.5 hours then got up and drove 4 hours to the Cape.
EVERYbody at work knows about my IUI on Friday. And the most common question- "When do you find out?" I'm glad I am able to get out of town for a few days, if nothing else to escape the questions. My temperature plummeted this morning - but that is also relatively normal for me. I have started to feel some twinges of my monthly pelvic pain. That seems to be on schedule with when I received the trigger injection (I usually get the pain 4-5 days after I have a positive OPK). But since we did the hCG this month, I ovulated about 4 days earlier than usual. All in all, I would be happier if the pain was completely gone - a sign for me that I am pregnant, but I'm trying to view this as a positive sign that it is coinciding with the forced ovulation. I'm looking for any kid of silver lining I can get.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
I couldn't make this up
What a night- my favorite kind (not really). I can't go into any kind of details, but let's just say this is an infertile's nightmare. Not one, but two women delivered in the last 24 hours that had no prenatal care. They hid their pregnancy from everyone, I mean everyone - even a husband - how does one do that? Both did not want to hold or even see their baby and both are being given up for adoption. One has the luck to have to suffer through narcotic withdrawal before they can be placed with a family. The social histories are astounding and very, very sad. We are small hospital and for us to see one situation like this is rare, let alone two in 24 hours. I suppose the good news is that both of these babies will hopefully be placed in homes with parents who truly want a child they can love with all their hearts.
I thought my lead in for this post would be the IUI, but I am not terribly optimistic about this cycle. I was very antsy early in the day so I packed up my kranky Z and went shopping. We made it to Dr. S's office around 5:45 pm. He did his thing with C's little swimmers, and he showed them to us under the microscope. C gave them a little pep talk. 20 minutes later I was in the familiar stirrup position. One thing I have never really liked about Dr. S is that he does not really communicate what he is doing and why - one of the reasons I did not chose him as my OB a few years ago. Don't get me wrong, I think he is very nice and a good physician, just not very warm and fuzzy. But I digress. He does the IUI - ouch - and I lie there (with my hips slightly elevated!) for 30 minutes. I was mildly crampy, my back hurt from being so tense from the last couple of days. When we got home I went upstairs to lay down and I ended up falling sound asleep somewhere around 9:30 pm.
Today I wake up in a mood! Holy moly am I on edge. The worst part of it is that I am aware of it, and don't feel like I am able to act any differently if I tried. This is such new territory for me - the 2ww post IUI. I am trying not to be too analytical, but I can't help it. I have had no CM change, no significant elevation of temp....don't know what it all means, but I don't think it's good. I am going to be a freakin' wreck for the next couple of weeks! I leave tomorrow to visit my parents - hopefully this will be relaxing and not stressful.
I thought my lead in for this post would be the IUI, but I am not terribly optimistic about this cycle. I was very antsy early in the day so I packed up my kranky Z and went shopping. We made it to Dr. S's office around 5:45 pm. He did his thing with C's little swimmers, and he showed them to us under the microscope. C gave them a little pep talk. 20 minutes later I was in the familiar stirrup position. One thing I have never really liked about Dr. S is that he does not really communicate what he is doing and why - one of the reasons I did not chose him as my OB a few years ago. Don't get me wrong, I think he is very nice and a good physician, just not very warm and fuzzy. But I digress. He does the IUI - ouch - and I lie there (with my hips slightly elevated!) for 30 minutes. I was mildly crampy, my back hurt from being so tense from the last couple of days. When we got home I went upstairs to lay down and I ended up falling sound asleep somewhere around 9:30 pm.
Today I wake up in a mood! Holy moly am I on edge. The worst part of it is that I am aware of it, and don't feel like I am able to act any differently if I tried. This is such new territory for me - the 2ww post IUI. I am trying not to be too analytical, but I can't help it. I have had no CM change, no significant elevation of temp....don't know what it all means, but I don't think it's good. I am going to be a freakin' wreck for the next couple of weeks! I leave tomorrow to visit my parents - hopefully this will be relaxing and not stressful.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
It's like Christmas
I had a nice and early u/s this morning - 8 AM. I was totally expecting the left follicle(s) to have either not grown or decreased. And what to my wondering eyes should appear but two large follicles and eight tiny reindeer....oh wait a minute that's not right. The left side has one follicle measuring 1.93 and the one on the right is 2.08. Dr. S recommended that we "go for it". It's not the best situation, but considering I was expecting to go home with no further plan for this month - I am cautiously optimistic.
(Speaking of optimism, C. bought me a Life is Good shirt the other day that says "No sense being pessimistic, it wouldn't work anyway" -- LOVE it!).
So a quick shot in the ass and I was on my way with a medical condom, as sterile cup and Dr. S's pager number. We go back tomorrow at 6 pm for the IUI. I spent most of the day trying to find coverage for work tomorrow night. I think Dr. S is a little old fashioned (he is about 70 after all) and he wants me to go home and rest after the IUI. I don't know if that is standard practice, but hey, I'm not going to argue with taking a day (night) off of work. Unfortunately I practically had beg to get coverage, which meant I had to play the IUI sympathy card. I was going to try and keep this cycle low key, without too much publicity - but instead there are now at least 4-5 people at work that I have told directly about the plan, and I'm sure most of the department will find out one way or another.
My best friend (J) gave me some brilliant advice yesterday. She said that even though my mother is not as supportive as I want her to be during this time, it doesn't make us any less close. It sounds so simple, I know, but it was so good to hear. I am going to visit my parents next week, and I must say that I was harboring some resentment towards her. That resentment has mostly lifted and I am once again looking forward to the visit. People who have not had fertility issues cannot comprehend what this process means to me, and I cannot fault them for that. Looking back, when J was going through her fertility struggles, I'm sure that I was not there for her like I could be now.
I did some retail therapy today. Miracles of miracles - I found a bathing suit that didn't make me vomit when I tried it on....must be my day!
(Speaking of optimism, C. bought me a Life is Good shirt the other day that says "No sense being pessimistic, it wouldn't work anyway" -- LOVE it!).
So a quick shot in the ass and I was on my way with a medical condom, as sterile cup and Dr. S's pager number. We go back tomorrow at 6 pm for the IUI. I spent most of the day trying to find coverage for work tomorrow night. I think Dr. S is a little old fashioned (he is about 70 after all) and he wants me to go home and rest after the IUI. I don't know if that is standard practice, but hey, I'm not going to argue with taking a day (night) off of work. Unfortunately I practically had beg to get coverage, which meant I had to play the IUI sympathy card. I was going to try and keep this cycle low key, without too much publicity - but instead there are now at least 4-5 people at work that I have told directly about the plan, and I'm sure most of the department will find out one way or another.
My best friend (J) gave me some brilliant advice yesterday. She said that even though my mother is not as supportive as I want her to be during this time, it doesn't make us any less close. It sounds so simple, I know, but it was so good to hear. I am going to visit my parents next week, and I must say that I was harboring some resentment towards her. That resentment has mostly lifted and I am once again looking forward to the visit. People who have not had fertility issues cannot comprehend what this process means to me, and I cannot fault them for that. Looking back, when J was going through her fertility struggles, I'm sure that I was not there for her like I could be now.
I did some retail therapy today. Miracles of miracles - I found a bathing suit that didn't make me vomit when I tried it on....must be my day!
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
More waiting
So today is cd10. I had an u/s this morning and I was anticipating getting my injection following the u/s. Dr. S looked at the left ovary first. 3 large follicles found - one was definitely a little larger and looking like it would be the chosen one this month. I started to do a mental happy dance. Then he probe goes over to the right and the next thing I hear is "We have a problem".
CRAP.
Here's the scoop. Right side has a follicle that is 1.88mm and would be ready for Noravel tomorrow, but there is no damn fallopian tube on that side! Left side has one follicle that is 1.4mm and one that is 1.25mm. There is a small chance that the left side will kick in, so we will look at them again tomorrow. Dr. S. also cautioned me about the possibility of twins since there was more than one large follicle. I swear I think he has been talking to my mother. If the right one is still dominant, then we will do nothing again this month. Although, even though we would not do the IUI, I have still done a fair share of monitoring this month, clomid and u/s. Anyway, there was a brief discussion about removing most of my right ovary, so we don't have to deal with this situation in the future. I don't know how invasive is too invasive. If I decide to have the right ovary removed, this will be my 4th abdominal surgery in 3 years (1. C-section, 2. exploratory lap - removal of fallopian tube, 3. exploratory lap - HSG, 4. right oophorectomy). As hesitant as I am to have elective surgery again, I don't want to go through this process month after month only to find that my right ovary is a bully and won't let my left one have a turn.
I go in tomorrow at 8 am, so tonight I will be a little on edge. So what is the obvious thing to do when you are concerned and emotionally fragile about your fertility? Go to see a movie called "Knocked Up" of course! We have been planning on doing this for a week. We hardly EVER go to the movies anymore and we are actually splurging on a babysitter for tonight (MIL usually watches the little munchkin). I don't have the heart to tell C. that the idea of this movie makes me nervous. I'm hoping that it is as funny as I have heard and that it will be a nice distraction.
CRAP.
Here's the scoop. Right side has a follicle that is 1.88mm and would be ready for Noravel tomorrow, but there is no damn fallopian tube on that side! Left side has one follicle that is 1.4mm and one that is 1.25mm. There is a small chance that the left side will kick in, so we will look at them again tomorrow. Dr. S. also cautioned me about the possibility of twins since there was more than one large follicle. I swear I think he has been talking to my mother. If the right one is still dominant, then we will do nothing again this month. Although, even though we would not do the IUI, I have still done a fair share of monitoring this month, clomid and u/s. Anyway, there was a brief discussion about removing most of my right ovary, so we don't have to deal with this situation in the future. I don't know how invasive is too invasive. If I decide to have the right ovary removed, this will be my 4th abdominal surgery in 3 years (1. C-section, 2. exploratory lap - removal of fallopian tube, 3. exploratory lap - HSG, 4. right oophorectomy). As hesitant as I am to have elective surgery again, I don't want to go through this process month after month only to find that my right ovary is a bully and won't let my left one have a turn.
I go in tomorrow at 8 am, so tonight I will be a little on edge. So what is the obvious thing to do when you are concerned and emotionally fragile about your fertility? Go to see a movie called "Knocked Up" of course! We have been planning on doing this for a week. We hardly EVER go to the movies anymore and we are actually splurging on a babysitter for tonight (MIL usually watches the little munchkin). I don't have the heart to tell C. that the idea of this movie makes me nervous. I'm hoping that it is as funny as I have heard and that it will be a nice distraction.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Limbo
Went in for an u/s today. cd8. There are follicles on both sides - which is good. But there is still a chance that the left follicles could recede. So I go back on Wednesday for another intimate moment with the u/s probe to see if we can go forward with the IUI. I'm keeping my fingers/toes crossed and doing alot of talking to my left ovary.
Had to go to a website that explained all the fertility abbreviations. I think I have a better handle on the lingo - who knew reading blogs would take some translating?
Had to go to a website that explained all the fertility abbreviations. I think I have a better handle on the lingo - who knew reading blogs would take some translating?
Friday, June 1, 2007
Silence says it all
Well, I'm officially in a bit of a funk. I've had a rough few days at work and my sleep schedule has been completely off this week. One of the things I do when I am feeling a little blue is I call my mom. We've had some rough patches in our past, but overall I would say that I am very close with her. My parents live about 4 hours away, so we try to make an effort to see each other in some form or fashion every month, or every other month. Curiously enough I have not had many discussions about our fertility endevours. At first I didn't want to talk about it because I still wanted my pregnancy to be a surprise announcement to our family. Then when I did mention treatments and doctors appointments in casual conversation, she never had much to say. (If you can't say anything nice.....).
So tonight I tell her about my upcoming ultrasound and plan for IUI if things look good this month. "Oh." is the extent of the response I get. So decide to bite the bullet and probe a little more about her thoughts. After some guarded conversation I finally say "I feel like you don't approve of what we are doing." Cue the silence. She said nothing. I finally said "Well, I guess that answers that question", and the discussion was relatively closed. I did follow up with some justification - my adenomyosis pain is profound and if I was pregnant it would go away. I'm creeping up on 40 and that damn clock is ticking in my ear - no time to just sit idly by and wait for mother nature. I found myself reassuring her that even though the risk for twins increases with clomid, I am only on a low dose and I am not producing enough follicles for that to be too serious of a risk. I think it all comes down to money with her. She is worried for us about how much the treatments cost - right now luckily not too much (but I guess most people don't have to pay anything to get pregnant). She is worried that if we did have twins, that we would not be able to afford it without putting us in the poor house. The whole money theory is my own, nothing that she said, but always a thread in our relationship that gets tugged at every once and awhile. She doesn't have to say the words for me to know those are her concerns. What she DID say were things like "would it be the worst thing in the world if you didn't have another baby?" Cue the crying. How do you explain to someone who never had any difficulty getting pregnant that "yes, right now it feels like that would be the worst thing in the world." I tried to explain that giving up trying, would mean giving up on my dream, my plan, my expectations, my goals. Although the last 18 months have been emotionally taxing, I don't think that I could go through grieving the loss of a child I always knew I would have one day.
I am fighting the funk, I guess her reaction didn't surprise me much. My husband is more worked up about it than I am right now. Mostly I'm sad. I'm sad that I don't have my mother's support. She was such a pillar for me, especially right after my daughter was born. This process is a huge part of my life right now. In the past this has been a subject that I just didn't talk about with her, but now I feel like I can't talk about it. Somehow that subtle change makes all the difference. I need to continue to be hopeful. I'm surprised how much writing is helping. Although I'm sure no one is reading this - it helps to sort out the feelings and put them into words.
So tonight I tell her about my upcoming ultrasound and plan for IUI if things look good this month. "Oh." is the extent of the response I get. So decide to bite the bullet and probe a little more about her thoughts. After some guarded conversation I finally say "I feel like you don't approve of what we are doing." Cue the silence. She said nothing. I finally said "Well, I guess that answers that question", and the discussion was relatively closed. I did follow up with some justification - my adenomyosis pain is profound and if I was pregnant it would go away. I'm creeping up on 40 and that damn clock is ticking in my ear - no time to just sit idly by and wait for mother nature. I found myself reassuring her that even though the risk for twins increases with clomid, I am only on a low dose and I am not producing enough follicles for that to be too serious of a risk. I think it all comes down to money with her. She is worried for us about how much the treatments cost - right now luckily not too much (but I guess most people don't have to pay anything to get pregnant). She is worried that if we did have twins, that we would not be able to afford it without putting us in the poor house. The whole money theory is my own, nothing that she said, but always a thread in our relationship that gets tugged at every once and awhile. She doesn't have to say the words for me to know those are her concerns. What she DID say were things like "would it be the worst thing in the world if you didn't have another baby?" Cue the crying. How do you explain to someone who never had any difficulty getting pregnant that "yes, right now it feels like that would be the worst thing in the world." I tried to explain that giving up trying, would mean giving up on my dream, my plan, my expectations, my goals. Although the last 18 months have been emotionally taxing, I don't think that I could go through grieving the loss of a child I always knew I would have one day.
I am fighting the funk, I guess her reaction didn't surprise me much. My husband is more worked up about it than I am right now. Mostly I'm sad. I'm sad that I don't have my mother's support. She was such a pillar for me, especially right after my daughter was born. This process is a huge part of my life right now. In the past this has been a subject that I just didn't talk about with her, but now I feel like I can't talk about it. Somehow that subtle change makes all the difference. I need to continue to be hopeful. I'm surprised how much writing is helping. Although I'm sure no one is reading this - it helps to sort out the feelings and put them into words.
Hopeful
I'm hopeful...I think. Not the kind of blindly optimistic kind of hope that I had at the beginning of this journey, but the "maybe this is the month" kind of hope. I went in Wednesday for an US and everything looks good and primed. Last month's follicle is gone and there are plenty on both sides ready to ripen. Started clomid 50 mg on the same day. I have done months and months of clomid, both 50 and 100 mg, but this is only the second month that we have done US along with the medication. I have always had mostly regular periods, positive OPKs, and cervical mucous changes so there was never a thought that I wasn't ovulating. I switched doctors when IUI was the next step as my regular OB does not perform them. To some degree it feels like starting all over again. The new doctor has some different ideas and different monitoring practices. I had a theory....a good one too I might add. And no this was not just a theory to make myself feel better - okay, maybe a little. Last month my day 10 US showed that my follicle was 1.86 mm - ready and ripe. Since the little bugger was on the "wrong" side (my right) we did nothing. But of course I continued to monitor my cycle like a hawk. I ovulated 6 days later on my own. Hmmmm, I thought. If the follicle was ready at day 10, shouldn't I have ovulated sooner? So here is my theory- my follicle is not being released at the right time - a bit like an apple staying on a tree too long and by the time it drops, it's rotten. There are two main reasons I need to believe this theory. First - this is the first indication of something that is truly amiss. I know that I should be thanking my lucky stars that the docs have not been able to find a problem - but I'm a "let's roll up our sleeves and fix this" kind of gal. And with nothing wrong, there is nothing to fix, and nothing to DO. Second - is that IUI with Noravel will potentially solve this problem. Naive - maybe, but hopeful still.
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