I'm drinkin' in the blog water!

As Artblog said - there is definitely something in the blog water out there....so where do I get some? I went into my u/s appointment today (cd10) totally prepared to talk about endometrial biopsy. After all what would be the likelihood that I would ovulate on my left three times in a row? Well, whatever the chances are - I'm doing it! I've got one big ol' fat 21.9 mm follie on the left that qualified me for a trigger today. I wasn't even planning on this being a day for any kind of action. Now my mind is in a bit of a whirlwind thinking about timing for the next day and a half. I work tonight, and I am off tomorrow - so I don't have to worry about getting coverage for tomorrow. We will IUI at 9 pm, so maybe Z could go up to the IL's and have a little sleep over. Then bam, I'll be in the 2ww.....again.

I've been in a bit of a mental fog lately and I have been very slow to action. I have a presentation on Thursday (that I have known about for about 6 weeks). I have a lot of information in my head, but nothing down on paper. I had been relying on slow nights at work to finish/start some of this, but it has been quite busy. Guess, I'm going to have to buckle down and get this finished....but not right now. Now I am going to bask in the joy that is "hope and possibility". Those two emotions come around so infrequently these days that I don't want to be a bad hostess and brush them off.

Good luck to all of you out there - go find some blog water.

!@#%&!

I used to swear like a sailor, as I've "matured" I have toned down my outbursts quite a bit. But this deserves a big huge "FUCK!" I just found out tonight that my manager, who was diagnosed to leukemia in November is in the hospital, and things are not looking good. She is having some very intensive chemo for the next week. According to a co-worker, she is hoping that is will work long enough to get her affairs in order. In case you're wondering - this is in addition to my dear co-worker friend who has had a recurrence of breast cancer. I just want to crawl under a rock. Nothing like a big one-two punch of cancer to make infertility feel like a walk in the park. There is entirely too much crying go on here at work - especially since we deal primarily in the joy of life.

I've been feeling some twinges on my right.....I've got a feeling it is going to be on off month for us. So far I'm not really disappointed in the thought of this, just a little numb. What's one more month at this point right?

alone

So I've been surfing around, clicking on links from links of blogs. There appears to be a lot of pregnant infertiles out there! Now, somewhere in me I am happy for them. Somewhere closer to the surface there is the thought "this is good news, treatments actually do work". But what is bubbling up is "damn-it, why not me?" I spent a good part of the day with a dear friend who has a 5 month old. We started ttc 6 months before they did, and it was an "oops, we didn't think we could get pregnant this fast" situation. My daughter was fascinated with the baby. She has seen her before, but this was the first time they had this much time to interact. My daughter was stroking her face, bringing her toys, laughing and singing to her. While the vision of this initially warmed my heart, I suddenly was quite sad - this is how she would be to a little brother or sister. Later I held her in my arms and for the first time seriously let myself wonder what our life would be like if Z was an only child.

I am feeling very alone today. Alone in my sadness, grief, and worry. Reading blogs usually helps, but I keep on ending up on pages of women who are newly pregnant.

I'd like a couple more, please

So welcome to cd3. Did I mention that I am already not optimistic about this cycle? Maybe if I set me expectations low, then I might be pleasantly surprised. Dr. O.T. was not even in the room for 2 minutes when he asked "So how many more times are we going to do this?" What the hell?! We've done 2 cycles of IUI, one with a poor sperm count, and one with a larger follicle on the side without a fallopian tube. Am I asking too much to do this at least a couple more times before I consider spending money that we don't have? His retirement is imminent - sometime in September, so I only have 2 more potential times with him, then what does he care what I do? I feel like he is not really paying attention to the details of my situation- not a terribly reassuring quality in a doctor is it? For example, I talked to him about my lining and lack of CM changes since the trigger injections. He doesn't think anything of the lack of CM at ovulation, and as far as the lining goes - he thinks it is "just fine". So why did he tell me last month that the likely reason for my bizarre AF was a poor lining? He asked if I had had an endometrial biopsy, which I have not. But then says he doesn't want to do one and waste a cycle. So I suggest that if I ovulate on the right side this month, can we do the biopsy. He says "Oh, that's a good idea - you're really thinking about this aren't you?" Dumbass.....this is ALL I think about!

So that is the plan as of now. I start clomid 50 mg tonight. US again on cd10 (Monday). If there are promising follicles on the left, then we do another IUI, if follicles on the right we will do an endometrial biopsy around cd24. Dr. O.T. all but ran out the door after the US, so I didn't get a chance to ask him what they would be looking for with the biopsy. I'm sure that I will start surfing the net for an answer, but if anyone can give me some advice or information, I would greatly appreciate it.

By the way, I've been meaning to mention the honor that was bestowed to our little state - Springfield, VT - home of the Simpsons! They had the movie premier in a LITTLE theatre, and all over town it is Simpsons mania. I passed a diner today that had specials of "Bart's Breakfast Buffet" and "Homer's Haddock". Simpsons' cut outs are all over town - it is hysterical!

Margaritas

We are back from a whirlwind weekend in Boston. Spent the day with my best friend J and family. I had never met her 2 year old son, but he jumped right into my arms and gave me a huge hug - what a love. The kids had a grand time. We had to pull them out of the museum almost screaming to move on to other adventures. As much fun as we had with the whole family, and watching the kids at the museum and the aquarium, the best part of the weekend was sitting in the hotel bar, just J and I, drinking margaritas. I haven't seen her in 3 years and even though we talk on the phone and email, it's just not the same as actual face to face time. On the drive back to VT, C asked when I wanted to go visit them in Texas....."immediately" was my reply.

So I am on cd2. I guess I'll call tomorrow for my cd3 us. AF is not as bizarre as it was last month, but I am still concerned about my lining. I meant to call the RE's office to see how long it would take to get an appointment. The last thing I want right now is to make the difficult decision to change providers again, and have a delay in moving forward because I didn't call soon enough for an appointment.

I am chipping away at my list - so far I have done pilates once, looked for a new knitting project, and picked up a new book. I'm well on my way to being the new/old me!

Ode to...

My sweet Marya. Who died 3 years ago today. I am still reeling from the loss of her physical presence in my life. It breaks my heart that my daughter will never know her. The best I can do to honor her life is to try to teach my daughter the lessons Marya taught me. She was fiercely loyal, the quintessential kooky girl, always loving, never afraid to stand up for herself no matter what, strong, proud, beautiful, spiritual - the qualities that I would love for Z to adopt. The following is one of Mar's favorite quotes, it is from the CD jacket of Loreena McKennitt's "Book of Secrets"

• I wonder if one of the most important steps on our journey is the one in which we throw away the map. In jettisoning the grids and brambles of our own preconceptions, perhaps we are better able to find the real secrets of each place.......


• From all journeys, be they imaginative or geographic, the most important souvenirs to be collected are the reminders that people's lives are fortified by family and friends, by our ability to create our lives like creating a piece of art, and by our efforts to reconcile our material needs with the importance of our connections to each other.

Pictures from our first time spelunking (at Indian Oven, Millerton, NY 7/2/2000)



Me and Mar at her cabin (I'm on the right)



Yes, we are.
Marya with my nieces.
(you can click on the pictures to make them bigger).

Mar, I will light a candle for you today and listen to the Indigo Girls "Galelio". I miss you every day.

New direction?

My temp dropped a little more again today. I'm anticipating AF either later today or tomorrow. The likelihood of me ovulating on the left again I think is slim, so I am preparing myself mentally for an off cycle. Of course we still do clomid, and won't know until cd 8-9 or so if this one is a bust. I'm starting to have some doubts about continuing with Dr. O.T. even for one more cycle. He wants us (C) to abstain from ANY "activity" starting on cd 3. From everything that I have heard, 48-72 hours prior to IUI is plenty. In light of C's last specimen, I think that we had a case of DSB (deadly sperm buildup). Maybe we'll just have our own schedule this next time...assuming that there is a next time.

Our only other option is to go to an RE that is at least an hour away. My regular OB had told me that they would probably want to do there own testing, and u/s which means a whole lot of driving time and money. My first thought is that maybe I could just take some vacation time during the anticipated week of u/s and IUI, but we are SO short staffed right now it would not be approved. PLUS, that means a $500 deductible and then 20% of regular visits, but 100% of anything that "induces pregnancy". I wonder if they would pay for the IUIs that have not in fact induced pregnancy? It only makes sense doesn't it? We want a child so desperately that the idea of money coming into factor make me want to vomit.

So I'm feeling pretty beaten down. More in a daze than anything else - not wallowing in depression or anger - yet. Although I did have some words for C when innocently enough he asked "what's wrong" last night - hmmmmm, let me think. Oh yah, I have slept a whopping 3.75 hours, a good friend is starting chemo tomorrow, Z was a nightmare to put to bed and I left her screaming her bloody head off - which breaks my heart to do, the house is a mess and AF is on the way for a visit, 3 years ago Friday Marya died, I have just come off a hellish week's worth of work, and C spent the evening talking fantasy baseball on the phone. "No, honey, everything is just fine." Ok so I didn't say that, but my sarcastic side wanted to so badly.

So I feel like I need to do something else, change the direction of my life, if even ever so slightly. I have already tried months and months of acupuncture, maybe I'll go back to the massage route - certainly couldn't hurt at this point right? I also feel like I have lost my joy lately - doing the things that make me happy. So here in front of all my bloggy friends I am declaring that I will take time for me.

I will start:

• yoga and/or pilates again
• spending more time outside
• reading books for entertainment vs education
• listening to music that touches my soul
• knitting again
• to connect with old friends - even if they are pregnant or have an infant
• spend more time with C that doesn't involve running errands or talking about the checkbook
• getting back into some amateur photography

Reading those back, it is a modest list. But they are things that I am not doing right now, and I miss them terribly.

BBT *with UPDATE*

For those of you who are charting bbt, I have a question. During the first 3 months I used a tympanic thermometer - not the best I know, but my regular oral digital thermometer always read REALLY low - like 95. The big problem with the tympanic is that I toss and turn and if I take my temperature in the ear that was on the pillow the temp is falsely high. Sometimes I wake up and have no idea which side I was just on. This last month I ordered an oral, non-mercury thermometer specifically for bbt (it even came with a packet of baby dust). The fact that I have to take my temp for 5 minutes with this thing is inconvenient especially when I have to tend to my daughter and she can't wait 5minutes while I lie idle in bed. This new thermometer also seems to read a little low, and I have had greater temperature variations this month (don't know if it is the instrument or the cycle). I also take my temperature at all different times of the day because of my schedule. Sometimes I take my temp at 7:30 am, other times 5:00 pm. Dr. O.T. says that as long as it is after I have had about 5 hours of sleep (which I do not always get).

So - I would love to hear input on what ya'll are using - including the brand name if possible. Are other MDs relying heavily on bbt? Thanks!

I did talk to my friend before I came to work tonight and she is in amazingly good spirits. She starts chemo this week. I'm so glad that I made the effort to call. It is a difficult line to walk, where I want her to know that I am concerned but I don't want to be bawling. I also don't want to be too jokey and give the impression that I don't understand the seriousness of the situation. In the end, there was a nice balance of tears and laughter.

It's hard to believe the 2ww is almost over - fastest one ever! J wants me to poas Saturday morning so if possible we can have a couple (few?) adult beverages that night. I'm a little afraid that the way this week has gone, if I get a BFN if I start drinking, I might not be able to stop!

*UPDATE*
I had a temperature drop today (12/13 dpiui). It was significant 0.8 degrees, and I had only slept for about 4 hours. So it looks like I'll be able to have that drink(s) this weekend with my ol' college drinkin' pal J after all.

Never attend an emergency staff meeting

When I got to work last night, the first thing I hear is that there is an "emergency staff meeting" at 7:30 am today. I guess no one called me because they figured I was a captive audience since my shift ends at 7:30. We are a small unit staffed will all women - so there is always gossip flying to and fro, hither and yawn. The latest scuttlebutt was about an employee who resigned, but wanted to continue to do childbirth education. There was huge miscommunication about whether or not she would indeed continue to teach. To make and very long story short, someone wrote a letter in support of this employee that was given to administration. Confrontation is never fun. I was the first person to speak up about my concerns about the lack of communication - uncomfortable, but I felt better afterwards.

At the end of the meeting my manager says "I have an announcement" then there is a long pause. My dear friend and co-worker had taken a very secretive leave of absence. She is a very private person. We are close in the sense that our schedules were almost identical for the last year. We have spent hours on end talking about personal issues and experiences. But it is one of those relationships that has always stopped at the front door of the hospital. So I wasn't surprised that I did not hear from her. At the end of this long pause, my manager says "C has liver cancer and there are mets to the bones". The only thing I heard after that was my own sobbing. The long term prognosis is not good. She has survived 2 bouts of breast cancer and was 9 years out from her last recurrence. She is the type of person that will have chemo on Friday, spend the weekend recovering and be back to work on Monday. I don't know what she will choose to do this time.

I know that I need to call her. All the emotions are so raw right now, that I don't think I can call her today. EVERYTHING else feels so inconsequential right now, especially the fight that DH and I had last night. So I'm off to bed to try to sleep...I've got one more night of this awful schedule (2 full weeks worth of work in 7 days). I'm sure that I am going to be a wreck when I go in tonight. My heart is so heavy right now. I had taken a bit of a break from seeing a therapist, and I know that I need to call to make an appointment. Its just that I can't seem to muster up the energy to pick up the phone and call her....maybe tomorrow.

Good news and Bad news

Thanks for the support Hez! The good news is that this 2ww is flying by, the bad news is it is because I have been so freakin' busy I can't see straight. I am working a nightmare schedule: 3 nights on (12 hour shifts), one night off, then another 3 nights on. Adding insult to injury we have been super busy at work. I come home in the morning and crash, sleep for 5 hours, lay in bed and try to will myself to sleep for a couple more, abandon the effort and get out of bed to have dinner and shower, then go back to work. I feel like I haven't seen my family in weeks. I did get some fun cuddle time with my daughter today while I was trying to sleep. We were lying there face to face and she puts her hand on my shoulder, pats it gently and whispers "Momma, you're my best friend". Life really doesn't get any better than that.

My adenomyosis pain started up last week almost on cue - actually a day earlier than expected. I swear I can manipulate any situation in my head. For example: In the past whenever I started up with the adenomyosis pain, I always thought that meant that that cycle was a bust and I abandon all hope at that point. Then I heard that the pain might not go away right away or even completely. Normally this pain lasts for a week or so, and is so painful that I am doubled over crying. (I pride myself as a pretty tough person. I once walked 60 miles in 3 days in a walk for breast cancer, 40 of those miles, I found out later, I had a broken ankle). Anyway, this month the pain is definitely there, I still need my hot pack, but there have been no tears. Good news right? Not so much, the way I twist it around in my head. I have now convinced myself that the reason why my pain isn't so bad is because my lining is so poor. (Adenomyosis is the growth of endometrial tissue in the wall of the uterus). With everything that we had going during the IUI this time around, I forgot to ask Dr. O.T. if he measured the lining. I think he just glances at it, I've never seen him measure it.

*warning death and cancer mentioned in detail in the following paragraph*

This Friday will be 14/15 dpiui. The day that AF will likely arrive. It is also the 3rd anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. She died from ovarian cancer 12 days after my daughter was born. Our next child (God willing) will be named after her in some form or fashion. This whole time of year is very emotionally charged for me. I try not to focus on the day of her death, but it is difficult. When I think about my birth experience, it is wrapped up with threads of my friend's death. The day I delivered was the day she was put into Hospice care. I lived 2 hours away, I had had a C-section and Z was kept in the hospital for several days due to jaundice so I couldn't run down there to be by her side. Early in her diagnosis I was the one who spent the nights holding her hand in the hospital. I was there for every surgery, the head shaving, the puking, the chemo. It was so hard to be so over the moon happy about the birth of my daughter, and devastated by the knowledge of her imminent death. Z did get a chance to meet her, briefly. Four days before she passed we made the trip to see her, for me to say good-bye. She was on morphine and not terribly coherent. When I told her I was going to take Z back out to my husband, she said "just wait, I want to look at her a little more." It was the last time she made a real cohesive sentence. We did not have a funeral, we had a celebration of her life - that was on my original due date.

So this 2ww is going by quickly, but not really in the way that I hoped it would. I had a mini-melt down today. Partially I'm sure is pure exhaustion, part emotional, part hormonal - a pretty deadly combination for DH!

Back to some more good news. Next weekend our family will be heading to Boston for a short and sweet visit with my best friend J and her family. J is a former IFer, still involved in Resolve down in Austin, TX. She has been my touch stone during all of this. She is also the one who recommended that I read some blogs - I never thought at the time that I would actually be writing one. I am so thankful that I have found this community of strong women who are willing to share such an intimate part of there lives.

A day of rest

Z's Birthday Cake

The last of the family left today. My intentions were to clean the house....but you know what they say about good intentions. I opted for a different plan which included eating myself into an oblivion using left over party food then taking a nap. I did actually shower - which so far is my biggest accomplishment today.

Z's party was awesome. Bigger than I thought is was going to be 23 people in total I think. We were suppose to get some heavy rain, but it held off until later in the afternoon. Later in the evening we played video games on the Wii. It is the only game that I actually like to watch people playing as much as playing it myself. The next night my MIL and my mom actually really got into playing. It was a hoot to watch.

So back to IF stuff. I guess I am 3 dpo. I'm not really sure when to count from these days. My trigger injection was on Wednesday morning, IUI Thursday night and Friday morning. Dr. O.T. said that I probably ovulated sometime Friday morning so that is when I am counting from. Stupid me did not take my temperature on Thursday or Friday, and I am not doing opk's anymore. I did have a temperature shift on Saturday. Absolutely no CM change to speak of. Any suggestions of when I should say I ovulated? I am now waiting for my adenomyosis pain to start, it should begin on Wednesday. So far I have avoided twoweekwait.com, but I think I hear it calling my name. Last month I had some classic symptoms, fatigue, nausea, tender breasts, non-AF cramping.....but got a BFN. I don't think that I will be as obsessive this month, especially in light of this month's IUI snafus. Oh who am I kidding.....obsession should be my middle name.

IUI, sleep, repeat.

It's a good thing that I've had 24 hours to cool off before writing, because otherwise the title would have been WTF!!!!!!!!

Let's go back to yesterday. I worked a day shift (yuck). We were busy, but it was a pretty uneventful day. I was able to leave a little early so I could meet C at home versus at the doctor's office for the IUI. My parents had come in town early in the day and I wanted to see them as well. As I was driving home I was thinking "this is it, this is going to work tonight," and I have to say I was almost giddy. So while I was having a quick dinner with my parents, C was upstairs preparing the "specimen". I suppose the background of noise of me and the in-laws was too much and he experienced some difficulty with his aim. The resulting specimen was pitiful in quantity and all I wanted to do was cry. I put on a brave face though and said that there wasn't anything we could do about it now. When we get to Dr. Old Timer's office, he says he is not sure if there is enough, but we might as well try. He recommended that we also come back the next morning at 7 am to do another IUI. As I am lying there (with my hips up), C keeps asking what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, and apologizing. The only thing I could think of was that I can't get into a fight right now or get too upset, because that will mean extra pressure on him in the morning. There have been some instances of performance anxiety so I don't want to do anything to rock the boat or jeopardize our morning appointment. But I was devastated.

We went back this morning with adequate quantity, but it turns out the sperm isn't looking too good. I'm not sure whether it is motility or morbidity that was the problem. But before we left, Dr. O.T. said that he was going to get us the name of a specialist - CRAP. The second IUI was pretty freakin' painful. My uterus is retroverted so he had to pull it forward - ouch. When the procedure was done and I was lying there for the obligatory 30 minutes, I lost it. Started crying. I don't know how people emotionally handle IVF. IUIs are hard enough for me right now. I am in awe of people who have dealt with infertility for years.

At least I will be distracted for the next few days with family in town, and Z's party tomorrow. Beta will be on July 23 if no AF. It is amazing how fast the first two weeks go by and next thing you know its the 2ww again.

Isn't IUI supposed to significantly improve chances with MF?

Anyway, still hopeful (but not giddy). Right now I'm tired, a little disappointed.

Trigger Day

Happy 4th of July! Met Dr. Old Timer at his office this morning. Two follies on the LEFT, 21 and 20 mm! After he cautioned me about the risk of twins, I got my hCG in the ass and we are a go for tomorrow evening for the IUI.

Even with this good news, I am in an inconsolably bad mood. Every little thing is making me crazy mad. C left for the afternoon to meet his business partner for a couple of hours, so I have some time to try and snap out of it. Tonight we are going to dinner to celebrate my in-laws 40th anniversary.

Let the insanity begin

New pictures of Z.
This one I call "Twirly Girl"

It's been a nice few days. I made the decision not to blog while I was at my brother's, just trying to leave IF in Vermont for a few days. It was mayhem when I arrived....it always is. My 9 year old niece was having a dental crisis. It resulted in 3 teeth being pulled somewhat urgently. She is okay, but the trip to the dentist almost cost us our night out on the town, almost. So with the kids safely at home, no one bleeding to death from the mouth, we went out to dinner. The restaurant that we went to was a very hip and trendy place with a roof top bar. I have to say that I felt like the quintessential country bumpkin. Mind you, I went to college, lived in a big city and had a pretty active social life way back when. BUT, it's been years since I've been to a bar like that, I had a hard time maneuvering through the crowd. After dinner we went to ANOTHER bar where the music was so loud that you could not hear yourself think, let alone anyone else talk. We had a fabulous time. The night was peppered with the kids calling to find out when we would be home. My SIL was very smart and never gave an exact time, always just saying "pretty soon". In total I had 3 beers and 2 appletinis - I can't remember when the last time I had more than a glass of wine. All in all a spectacular night.

The rest of the weekend was swimming, walks, grilling out and shopping. What more could a girl want? The only hiccup in the weekend was C calling to tell me that the 40th anniversary party would now be taking place on Saturday (the same day as my daughter's birthday party). I wouldn't mind it so much if the anniversary party wasn't so last minute, and I feel like I will now lose a bit of control of how things are handled. This is no longer a party that I am throwing, and will have to coordinate everything through the in laws. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I wanted this to be Z's day. Also, if I was to say no, then I am the bad guy, everyone else is in agreement on the change of plans.

ANYWAY, trying not to dwell on that. Saw Dr. Old Timer today. I've got 2 nice follies on the LEFT!!!! Absolutely nothing on the right. Yippppppppeeeeeeee. So I seen him on Wednesday for another u/s and then the trigger injection. Right now the plan is for the IUI to take place at 8 pm on Thursday. This all works out perfectly with my work schedule, I don't have to panic about getting someone to work for me. Actually, I just realized that I don't even have to tell anyone at work. The timing couldn't be better.