Trying my damnedest to live one day at a time. Last beta (on Wed) was 62. Of course I looked this up myself, so I didn't have he benefit of the IVF nurse to ask questions right away. During my last positive cycle my second beta was 97...so I panicked. After fretting about it for awhile, I decided to call the nurse. She was pleased with the number. She said they were looking for it to go up by 66% and since mine more than doubled, it was up by over 100%. I've had some pretty intense cramping the last couple of days which is freaking me out. I've been obsessed with my b.oobs, I can't tell if I am getting used to them or if they have deflated. It is an effort not to feel myself up at work to check 'em out.
I'm about to leave the house for beta #3. Unfortunately I have to have this lab work done at the local hospital, so I won't be able to look up my results...I'll have to do this the old fashioned way and wait for the nurse to call me! I'll post an update when I have it.
*update*
Isn't it amazing how one little phone call can send you into a tailspin? Beta #3 was 80...not good. They wanted it to be over 102. The nurse said "don't lose all hope"...I'm not sure that is possible. She said she has seen all sorts of different things happen with the numbers, but I am not optimistic. I am to continue with my progesterone and next beta will be on Monday. I'm devastated....can't stop crying. I just don't know if I can do this all over again.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Did you miss me?
Did you know I was gone? In a grand effort to force the time between transfer and beta to go much much faster, I have stayed away from blogs. I went to my brother's for a short visit, cleaned out the closets in my house...you know just stuff to keep my mind from racing.
So here is a recap: We did a 5dt of 2 blasts. Everyone said it was a great report. After 10 out of 10 eggs fertilized, one arrested and one fragmented. So going into the the transfer there were 6 still growing for potential freeze. 2 actually made it freeze. So overall I feel like this was a good "batch". After looking up the grade of blasts that they transferred (one was a 4BB and the other was a 1BB), I decided that they are just middle of the road quality blasts. Wish there was an "A" in there somewhere, but I am 40 after all. We now have 4 total in the freezer. Although according to the nurse practitioner, we should do as many fresh cycles while I'm on the younger side vs an FET...but lets jump off that bridge when we get there.
My beta was yesterday. I had a good idea of what the result was going to be before I did the test. I've had some heartburn, my boobs are huge and sore......my beta was 29! My clinic does a very early beta at 7dp5dt so the number doesn't sound great compared to the initial betas I see on other blogs, but it is a BFP and I'll take it!! They are supposed to freeze this 1st specimen and not run it until the second one is drawn 2 days later so they can evaluate doubling time...but this lab always runs it the same day. Because my beta is so early, I don't usually have to fight the urge to POAS, but I do cheat a little and look up my results in the computer before my clinic calls. By the time the IVF nurse calls to congratulate me, I've already called C and told him the news. Last night I did contemplate POAS, just so I could see the lines...how crazy is that?
I am taking this one step at a time. I am happy, but not ecstatic. I am hopeful, but realistic. I am trying desperately not to look too far ahead, but yesterday I had a little daydream about my daughter (who will be 5 this summer) rubbing my belly and feeling the baby move.
My next challenge is to stay in the moment, and only look as far ahead as the next test. Fortunately at this stage of the game, the next step is usually only at the most a week away. My next beta is tomorrow.
So here is a recap: We did a 5dt of 2 blasts. Everyone said it was a great report. After 10 out of 10 eggs fertilized, one arrested and one fragmented. So going into the the transfer there were 6 still growing for potential freeze. 2 actually made it freeze. So overall I feel like this was a good "batch". After looking up the grade of blasts that they transferred (one was a 4BB and the other was a 1BB), I decided that they are just middle of the road quality blasts. Wish there was an "A" in there somewhere, but I am 40 after all. We now have 4 total in the freezer. Although according to the nurse practitioner, we should do as many fresh cycles while I'm on the younger side vs an FET...but lets jump off that bridge when we get there.
My beta was yesterday. I had a good idea of what the result was going to be before I did the test. I've had some heartburn, my boobs are huge and sore......my beta was 29! My clinic does a very early beta at 7dp5dt so the number doesn't sound great compared to the initial betas I see on other blogs, but it is a BFP and I'll take it!! They are supposed to freeze this 1st specimen and not run it until the second one is drawn 2 days later so they can evaluate doubling time...but this lab always runs it the same day. Because my beta is so early, I don't usually have to fight the urge to POAS, but I do cheat a little and look up my results in the computer before my clinic calls. By the time the IVF nurse calls to congratulate me, I've already called C and told him the news. Last night I did contemplate POAS, just so I could see the lines...how crazy is that?
I am taking this one step at a time. I am happy, but not ecstatic. I am hopeful, but realistic. I am trying desperately not to look too far ahead, but yesterday I had a little daydream about my daughter (who will be 5 this summer) rubbing my belly and feeling the baby move.
My next challenge is to stay in the moment, and only look as far ahead as the next test. Fortunately at this stage of the game, the next step is usually only at the most a week away. My next beta is tomorrow.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
10/10
So maybe they are a perfect 10....ALL ten fertilized. I'm amazed! If all stays on track we will be doing a 5dt on Monday. Keeping everything I've got crossed!
A perfect 10
Well.....at least I'm hoping so. Honestly it doesn't feel so perfect. 10 eggs retrieved today. I thought it would be more. I felt more bloated during this cycle than previous, I had more antral follicles than before....but I only need one right? I shouldn't complain, I know there are so many out there with cancelled cycles due to poor response...it just isn't what I was preparing myself for. I'm starting to mentally prepare for a 3dt. I guess we'll know tomorrow after the fert report.
In most excellent news, I had my A team there with me this morning. Dr. J, my kind and sweet anesthesiologist was there and gave me some really good stuff. IV was established on the first attempt, no problem with specimen collection from C, and I didn't bleed internally...all in all it was a good day. I was only a little woozy when I initially got up to go, and decided to not rush things and have some crackers and a nap before I left. We were home by about noon and I slept most of the day. So now I am wide awake....yet tired. My bed is calling me so this will be pretty short.
I got thinking about the "meant to be comment" by my co-worker. First off, I do believe that things work out the way they need to. Ultimately things are not in our hands, although I also believe that our destiny is dependent on our actions....a pretty paradoxical thought. I don't think that I can get pregnant without a lot of help, so to say "it wasn't meant to be" doesn't mean that I can't do something about it. If this does not work for me, and as we are now 1/2 way through what our insurance will pay for, I have to start accepting that that could very well be my reality...anyway if it does not work, I am confident that years from now I will look back and feel that there is some good that has come from it. At this point and time I cannot fathom what that good might be. Now, that said, hearing someone who has ABSOLUTELY ZERO understanding of what IVF treatment entails, and I don't think that it is possible to have that understanding until you have lived it....doesn't count if you have a friend, sister, cousin or co-worker going through it...then saying something like "it wasn't meant to be" is down right hurtful. It is easy for that person to say it, because it doesn't apply to them. "It wasn't meant to be" is not comforting for a moment because it opens up the whole new can of worms "why not?" Is it because of the street drugs I experimented with in college? Is it because I had an elective termination at 20 because I was date raped? And if not those things.....then WHY?!!! I think there should be a ban on "it wasn't meant to be", it just plain doesn't work for anyone who is grieving. I know I'm not saying anything new....but I was finally able to put a finger on why that phrase irritates me so much.
So, I'm mustering up some good thoughts for those little embies that are dividing away, all the way in another state no less. I'm starting to feel more hopeful and less desperate (although I know this post probably doesn't sound like it). I think part of it is getting off those freakin' stims....next up twice daily proges.terone suppositories!!! I treat my rectum to one every once and a while, so it doesn't get jealous of my va-gagay.
In most excellent news, I had my A team there with me this morning. Dr. J, my kind and sweet anesthesiologist was there and gave me some really good stuff. IV was established on the first attempt, no problem with specimen collection from C, and I didn't bleed internally...all in all it was a good day. I was only a little woozy when I initially got up to go, and decided to not rush things and have some crackers and a nap before I left. We were home by about noon and I slept most of the day. So now I am wide awake....yet tired. My bed is calling me so this will be pretty short.
I got thinking about the "meant to be comment" by my co-worker. First off, I do believe that things work out the way they need to. Ultimately things are not in our hands, although I also believe that our destiny is dependent on our actions....a pretty paradoxical thought. I don't think that I can get pregnant without a lot of help, so to say "it wasn't meant to be" doesn't mean that I can't do something about it. If this does not work for me, and as we are now 1/2 way through what our insurance will pay for, I have to start accepting that that could very well be my reality...anyway if it does not work, I am confident that years from now I will look back and feel that there is some good that has come from it. At this point and time I cannot fathom what that good might be. Now, that said, hearing someone who has ABSOLUTELY ZERO understanding of what IVF treatment entails, and I don't think that it is possible to have that understanding until you have lived it....doesn't count if you have a friend, sister, cousin or co-worker going through it...then saying something like "it wasn't meant to be" is down right hurtful. It is easy for that person to say it, because it doesn't apply to them. "It wasn't meant to be" is not comforting for a moment because it opens up the whole new can of worms "why not?" Is it because of the street drugs I experimented with in college? Is it because I had an elective termination at 20 because I was date raped? And if not those things.....then WHY?!!! I think there should be a ban on "it wasn't meant to be", it just plain doesn't work for anyone who is grieving. I know I'm not saying anything new....but I was finally able to put a finger on why that phrase irritates me so much.
So, I'm mustering up some good thoughts for those little embies that are dividing away, all the way in another state no less. I'm starting to feel more hopeful and less desperate (although I know this post probably doesn't sound like it). I think part of it is getting off those freakin' stims....next up twice daily proges.terone suppositories!!! I treat my rectum to one every once and a while, so it doesn't get jealous of my va-gagay.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Praying for incident free retrieval
Let's see if I can sum up my life in about 10 minutes...'cuz I gotta get to bed. I've just take some a.tivan...so who knows how this will all turn out.
Retrieval is tomorrow AM. We will leave the house at 6:30, hopefully be in the waiting room at 8:00, assist C with specimen production (see "the incident"), procedure at 9:00, home hopefully before dinner time (see the second "incident").
I'm incredibly anxious (note the earlier mention to a.tivan). I have been a raving BEOTCH for the last couple of days. Yesterday it came to a head and I was ready to rip the head off anyone who dared say the wrong thing to me....although who knows what that wrong thing could be....it could've been "hello, you look nice today". All of this was precipitated by my ride home with my co-worker who started off telling me about her SIL who is 31 weeks pg with twins via IVF. She started saying things like "I think IVF is such a miracle, and it's amazing what women will do to have a baby, I admire them...blah, blah, blah" Right as I was about to open my mouth and spill my beans, she keeps going on to say "But then I think maybe these women were just not mean to have kids". At this point I have closed my gaping mouth and tried to figure out a cool way to change the subject. Maybe driving us off the road will be subtle enough. I've read so many blogs that blame l.upron for wicked moods....but it is the tail end of my stims that make me insane. I was essentially on the same protocol as the last 2 cycles, but the last couple of days I've taken both AM and PM meds, usually it is only one or the other. My therapist that I saw today said that she would rather deal with clients that are on heroine or cocaine versus us juiced up on hormones. Physically I feel terrible, I'm so bloated. I've gained 5 pounds this week and I swear I can feel every ounce with each step. I almost called out sick yesterday, but thought "I'll be fine as long as I don't have to break out into a run". Well....guess what happened....we had 2 STAT c-sections going on at the same time and I had to run all over the unit.
I'm not going to turn this purely into a bitch session....mostly because I feel like I wouldn't know when to stop. The good news is that the a.tivan seems to be kicking in. I've had several conversations and emails with my anesthesiologist friend who will definitely be there tomorrow. He has been so attentive and is determined to make my sedation top notch. It's funny because he is not so much a friend as a very friendly colleague...but in his last email he signed it "Sweet dreams and happy thoughts"....less collegial, more friendly....and incredibly sweet. I feel like I am in good hands tomorrow. My favorite nurse should be there, they all know that either the IV team or anesthesia will be starting my IV, my favorite RE is doing the harvest and of course my anesthesia buddy (and his supervisor....a BIG head honcho in the department). I don't know that I am feeling that nice little hopeful feeling, but rather desperate. I find myself thinking "this HAS to work". Last night, amidst the sobs I thought "I don't have the strength to do this again". Will revisit that when I am a safe distance away from the hormones.
Retrieval is tomorrow AM. We will leave the house at 6:30, hopefully be in the waiting room at 8:00, assist C with specimen production (see "the incident"), procedure at 9:00, home hopefully before dinner time (see the second "incident").
I'm incredibly anxious (note the earlier mention to a.tivan). I have been a raving BEOTCH for the last couple of days. Yesterday it came to a head and I was ready to rip the head off anyone who dared say the wrong thing to me....although who knows what that wrong thing could be....it could've been "hello, you look nice today". All of this was precipitated by my ride home with my co-worker who started off telling me about her SIL who is 31 weeks pg with twins via IVF. She started saying things like "I think IVF is such a miracle, and it's amazing what women will do to have a baby, I admire them...blah, blah, blah" Right as I was about to open my mouth and spill my beans, she keeps going on to say "But then I think maybe these women were just not mean to have kids". At this point I have closed my gaping mouth and tried to figure out a cool way to change the subject. Maybe driving us off the road will be subtle enough. I've read so many blogs that blame l.upron for wicked moods....but it is the tail end of my stims that make me insane. I was essentially on the same protocol as the last 2 cycles, but the last couple of days I've taken both AM and PM meds, usually it is only one or the other. My therapist that I saw today said that she would rather deal with clients that are on heroine or cocaine versus us juiced up on hormones. Physically I feel terrible, I'm so bloated. I've gained 5 pounds this week and I swear I can feel every ounce with each step. I almost called out sick yesterday, but thought "I'll be fine as long as I don't have to break out into a run". Well....guess what happened....we had 2 STAT c-sections going on at the same time and I had to run all over the unit.
I'm not going to turn this purely into a bitch session....mostly because I feel like I wouldn't know when to stop. The good news is that the a.tivan seems to be kicking in. I've had several conversations and emails with my anesthesiologist friend who will definitely be there tomorrow. He has been so attentive and is determined to make my sedation top notch. It's funny because he is not so much a friend as a very friendly colleague...but in his last email he signed it "Sweet dreams and happy thoughts"....less collegial, more friendly....and incredibly sweet. I feel like I am in good hands tomorrow. My favorite nurse should be there, they all know that either the IV team or anesthesia will be starting my IV, my favorite RE is doing the harvest and of course my anesthesia buddy (and his supervisor....a BIG head honcho in the department). I don't know that I am feeling that nice little hopeful feeling, but rather desperate. I find myself thinking "this HAS to work". Last night, amidst the sobs I thought "I don't have the strength to do this again". Will revisit that when I am a safe distance away from the hormones.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Wednesday
I'm a go for Wednesday! 9:00 am. I was hoping for ER on either Monday or Tuesday....but so far this cycle is following exactly like the two previous. I have one lead follicle at 19mm that they are going to let go by so the more plentiful smaller ones will come forward. They measured 16 follicles today....which I believe is more than prior cycles. I'm feeling every bit of them, last night C gave me a big hug and I had to tell him to back off a little. I'm NOT looking forward to working 2 more 12 hour shifts. It has been very busy on our unit lately and there is not any signs of stopping. So not only will it be long days, but they will be very hectic as well.
I've been pretty crabby these last couple of days and today is no exception. I've worked the last two days, I have today off - but had to make the 2 1/2 hour round trip to the clinic for b/w and u/s and C has invited my in-laws down for dinner tonight and the house is a disaster and I have to do major laundry in order to have scrubs to wear to work. I have to go to bed early tonight because we are getting more snow tonight and I might have to get up as early as 4:00am tomorrow to go to work. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all that has to get done. I'm trying to let it go and just chillax, but I'm the type that can't kick back until the house shows some resemblance of order...oh did I mention that C went off to work and is not sure when he is coming home....possibly just in time for the dinner that I am apparently making for his parents. Yep, that pretty much sums it all up....cue the video:
I've been pretty crabby these last couple of days and today is no exception. I've worked the last two days, I have today off - but had to make the 2 1/2 hour round trip to the clinic for b/w and u/s and C has invited my in-laws down for dinner tonight and the house is a disaster and I have to do major laundry in order to have scrubs to wear to work. I have to go to bed early tonight because we are getting more snow tonight and I might have to get up as early as 4:00am tomorrow to go to work. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all that has to get done. I'm trying to let it go and just chillax, but I'm the type that can't kick back until the house shows some resemblance of order...oh did I mention that C went off to work and is not sure when he is coming home....possibly just in time for the dinner that I am apparently making for his parents. Yep, that pretty much sums it all up....cue the video:
Okay, I'm done griping....guess I better get crackin'!!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Yesterday I enlisted a fellow nurse to do my AM shot. I've tried to give myself my own IM injection during my first cycle, but it just felt so wrong holding that 22 gauge 1 1/2 inch needle above my thigh. I applaud all of you out there that can do their own IM injections!! Maybe it is an occupational hazard. Whenever I am starting an IV or giving an injection and my patient says "I hate needles". I usually respond "I don't mind them as long as I am on this end of the syringe." I've talked about how much I don't like being on the receiving end of needle for so long, even if I was joking, I think I have said it too much that it is now true. Anyway, I would have thought that the injection my co-worker would be doing would be less painul than my amateur husband...not so much. Maybe it was because it took 10 minutes for us find an inconspicuous room that was far away from the nurses' station (so it didn't look suspicious that we were walking into an empty room then shutting the door), or maybe it was because I was standing rather than laying down....and a little tense that someone would walk in. Whatever the reason, kudos to C for doing such a wonderful job.
I also talked to my favorite anesthesia resident yesterday. They rotate services every 4 weeks, and he is back on the OB rotation, which means he also does ERs. He was so awesome and attentive about what my needs would be. I told him about my IV nightmares, and he seemed open to giving me something for anxiety before the whole process...yeah. Unfortunately, I got an email from him this morning saying that there are 4 days this month when he will be on the cardiac unit....and the day that I am anticipating my ER to be, is one of those days. My second option in anesthesia docs is a good fall back, I was just hoping to be able to hand pick who would be in on my case.
I've gained 3 pounds. Not sure if it is stims, or all the CRAP I've been eating!! I had absolutely no control over my eating over the holidays and did zero exercise....I feel like a blob. I am such an emotional eater, and it wasn't until our company left that I realized that I was still shoveling food in my mouth. Yesterday I finally had the epiphany that it was because I'm stressed.
Z has been on another baby kick. Every couple of months she will start asking all sorts of baby questions. She will tell me how much she wants a sister, asks how do babies come out of mommies tummy (incidentally she decided that they come out of your mouth, and was then asking me to open my mouth as wide as I could. Z's BFF asked her mom the same question recently. She opted to be anatomically correct....this resulted in her daughter wanting to make a snow-woman complete with b.reasts and a va.gina. I think I will go with the mouth theory for the time being). She has also if she could name "the baby" Susannah. When I ask "What baby?" she says "the one in your tummy". *sigh*
I've decided that I'm going to start posting some more pictures...I love seeing pictures on other people's blog...so here it goes.
I also talked to my favorite anesthesia resident yesterday. They rotate services every 4 weeks, and he is back on the OB rotation, which means he also does ERs. He was so awesome and attentive about what my needs would be. I told him about my IV nightmares, and he seemed open to giving me something for anxiety before the whole process...yeah. Unfortunately, I got an email from him this morning saying that there are 4 days this month when he will be on the cardiac unit....and the day that I am anticipating my ER to be, is one of those days. My second option in anesthesia docs is a good fall back, I was just hoping to be able to hand pick who would be in on my case.
I've gained 3 pounds. Not sure if it is stims, or all the CRAP I've been eating!! I had absolutely no control over my eating over the holidays and did zero exercise....I feel like a blob. I am such an emotional eater, and it wasn't until our company left that I realized that I was still shoveling food in my mouth. Yesterday I finally had the epiphany that it was because I'm stressed.
Z has been on another baby kick. Every couple of months she will start asking all sorts of baby questions. She will tell me how much she wants a sister, asks how do babies come out of mommies tummy (incidentally she decided that they come out of your mouth, and was then asking me to open my mouth as wide as I could. Z's BFF asked her mom the same question recently. She opted to be anatomically correct....this resulted in her daughter wanting to make a snow-woman complete with b.reasts and a va.gina. I think I will go with the mouth theory for the time being). She has also if she could name "the baby" Susannah. When I ask "What baby?" she says "the one in your tummy". *sigh*
I've decided that I'm going to start posting some more pictures...I love seeing pictures on other people's blog...so here it goes.
Annual Christmas or Thanksgiving Pre-hike photo of my family
(it was 12 degrees with the wind chill)
My latest obesession- cake decorating....
this was a cake for my brother's birthday (he's a hockey referee)
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Hope
So I'm reading a lot of New Year's blogs...reflections of this last year and expectations/hopes for this one coming. For a brief moment I think "I should do that too". Except, I don't feel like looking back, and I'm afraid to look ahead. There are so many things that I am thankful for and C and I talk often about how lucky in life we are. But I don't want to look back at what I endured this last year. It is still too painful, and I'm fearful that if I take the time to reflect, I will get into a deep emotional rut.
As far as looking ahead, I'm trying so hard to muster up some hope...that four letter word in IF circles. It is the conundrum of not wanting to get my hopes up only to be shattered versus going through the process of an IVF cycle with no hope of it working. Neither option feels like the right one....so I sit in limbo. I am willing myself to have hope. Having a very busy holiday season has helped my mind stay in the present rather than running away with the "what ifs".
I started stims yesterday. Here is my protocol. 75 F.ollistim, 2 Me.nopur, 5u L.upron in the AM and 150 F.ollistim, 1 M.enopur in the PM until Wednesday then I switch to only PM meds. My baseline ultrasound showed a nice thin lining and 15 antral follicle count (which is more than I've had in the previous cycles). Next U/S and bloodwork are on Friday.
Congratulations to all those BFP out there....something is going around out there, I just hope I can catch it.
As far as looking ahead, I'm trying so hard to muster up some hope...that four letter word in IF circles. It is the conundrum of not wanting to get my hopes up only to be shattered versus going through the process of an IVF cycle with no hope of it working. Neither option feels like the right one....so I sit in limbo. I am willing myself to have hope. Having a very busy holiday season has helped my mind stay in the present rather than running away with the "what ifs".
I started stims yesterday. Here is my protocol. 75 F.ollistim, 2 Me.nopur, 5u L.upron in the AM and 150 F.ollistim, 1 M.enopur in the PM until Wednesday then I switch to only PM meds. My baseline ultrasound showed a nice thin lining and 15 antral follicle count (which is more than I've had in the previous cycles). Next U/S and bloodwork are on Friday.
Congratulations to all those BFP out there....something is going around out there, I just hope I can catch it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
