Hope

So I'm reading a lot of New Year's blogs...reflections of this last year and expectations/hopes for this one coming. For a brief moment I think "I should do that too". Except, I don't feel like looking back, and I'm afraid to look ahead. There are so many things that I am thankful for and C and I talk often about how lucky in life we are. But I don't want to look back at what I endured this last year. It is still too painful, and I'm fearful that if I take the time to reflect, I will get into a deep emotional rut.

As far as looking ahead, I'm trying so hard to muster up some hope...that four letter word in IF circles. It is the conundrum of not wanting to get my hopes up only to be shattered versus going through the process of an IVF cycle with no hope of it working. Neither option feels like the right one....so I sit in limbo. I am willing myself to have hope. Having a very busy holiday season has helped my mind stay in the present rather than running away with the "what ifs".

I started stims yesterday. Here is my protocol. 75 F.ollistim, 2 Me.nopur, 5u L.upron in the AM and 150 F.ollistim, 1 M.enopur in the PM until Wednesday then I switch to only PM meds. My baseline ultrasound showed a nice thin lining and 15 antral follicle count (which is more than I've had in the previous cycles). Next U/S and bloodwork are on Friday.

Congratulations to all those BFP out there....something is going around out there, I just hope I can catch it.