A perfect 10

Well.....at least I'm hoping so. Honestly it doesn't feel so perfect. 10 eggs retrieved today. I thought it would be more. I felt more bloated during this cycle than previous, I had more antral follicles than before....but I only need one right? I shouldn't complain, I know there are so many out there with cancelled cycles due to poor response...it just isn't what I was preparing myself for. I'm starting to mentally prepare for a 3dt. I guess we'll know tomorrow after the fert report.

In most excellent news, I had my A team there with me this morning. Dr. J, my kind and sweet anesthesiologist was there and gave me some really good stuff. IV was established on the first attempt, no problem with specimen collection from C, and I didn't bleed internally...all in all it was a good day. I was only a little woozy when I initially got up to go, and decided to not rush things and have some crackers and a nap before I left. We were home by about noon and I slept most of the day. So now I am wide awake....yet tired. My bed is calling me so this will be pretty short.

I got thinking about the "meant to be comment" by my co-worker. First off, I do believe that things work out the way they need to. Ultimately things are not in our hands, although I also believe that our destiny is dependent on our actions....a pretty paradoxical thought. I don't think that I can get pregnant without a lot of help, so to say "it wasn't meant to be" doesn't mean that I can't do something about it. If this does not work for me, and as we are now 1/2 way through what our insurance will pay for, I have to start accepting that that could very well be my reality...anyway if it does not work, I am confident that years from now I will look back and feel that there is some good that has come from it. At this point and time I cannot fathom what that good might be. Now, that said, hearing someone who has ABSOLUTELY ZERO understanding of what IVF treatment entails, and I don't think that it is possible to have that understanding until you have lived it....doesn't count if you have a friend, sister, cousin or co-worker going through it...then saying something like "it wasn't meant to be" is down right hurtful. It is easy for that person to say it, because it doesn't apply to them. "It wasn't meant to be" is not comforting for a moment because it opens up the whole new can of worms "why not?" Is it because of the street drugs I experimented with in college? Is it because I had an elective termination at 20 because I was date raped? And if not those things.....then WHY?!!! I think there should be a ban on "it wasn't meant to be", it just plain doesn't work for anyone who is grieving. I know I'm not saying anything new....but I was finally able to put a finger on why that phrase irritates me so much.

So, I'm mustering up some good thoughts for those little embies that are dividing away, all the way in another state no less. I'm starting to feel more hopeful and less desperate (although I know this post probably doesn't sound like it). I think part of it is getting off those freakin' stims....next up twice daily proges.terone suppositories!!! I treat my rectum to one every once and a while, so it doesn't get jealous of my va-gagay.