Freakin' clomid

AF finally showed on Monday. I was starting to get a little worried. RE said that AF would probably be light - yeah, not so much. (TMI ahead) And what is worse is that is that same clomid brown particulate type of flow. I have been reassured that my lining will be closely monitored and adjusted with meds, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if this is the source of our problems for the last year (plus) - too much freakin' clomid!

I have an u/s an b/w tomorrow morning, then I will sit in class for 8 hours. I'm looking forward to not being on the unit tomorrow. It has been nuts and I need a little break.

Now, tell me how twisted this is: the other day I took care of a patient who had major substance abuse issues, including during pregnancy. Her baby was delivered prematurely, but even for being premature was small for gestational age (less than 2 lbs). Now, here comes the sick part - did I get emotional about this? - no. Did I start to cry when I overhear a coworker that I barely know tell someone that they just found out she is having a boy? - yes. What is that all about?

I decreased Lupron to 10 units today - thank goodness!

Struggle

I opened up a fortune cookie today that said "Struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in". It was just the right phrase at the right moment. I never thought that I would have such doubts about an IVF cycle once I was in the middle of it. Usually once I make a decision, I am committed and I don't look back. Not the case this time around. I've actually even questioned whether or not we would do another cyle after this one. Now, doesn't that seem a little silly after changing jobs strictly for the IVF benefits?

Lupron sucks. The headaches, the moodiness - I could do without it! C has really stepped up to the plate and been so helpful with my morning injections. We did not go to an injection class because I do this all the time. So I have had to talk him through drawing up the medication. The first day he almost wiped the needle with the alcohol swab instead of the top of the vial! I've done all the injections so far....but will definitely need his help for the IM shots that start next weekend.

I went to a funeral yesterday. My dear friend and co-worker lost her long battle with breast cancer. The last time I talked with her she was doing pretty well. She had stopped chemo and the tumors were shrinking. She suddenly stopped communication. I didn't push it because she has always been such a private person. I have so many regrets of not pushing harder to be there for her at the end. The funeral was heartbreaking. Her daughter-in-law is pregnant and due in August - she really wanted to be around to see her second grandchild. During the graveside service the minister read a letter that my friend had written to her first grandchild on the day she was born. The whole situation was no place for an infertile on lupron.....I was a mess. I didn't even go back to the house after the service, every time I opened my mouth I was bawling and I didn't figure her family needed that around.

....it must be the Lupron

...or am I just in a REALLY bad mood? This morning was my first Lupron (20 units), done covertly in brother's house at 6:30 am. I awoke at 4am, thinking that I had over slept and could not for the life of me get back to sleep. The rest of the morning was mayhem. My parents left early, and my brother's family spent the morning getting ready for one of my niece's cheerleading competitions. I snuck out thinking that getting back home early would be a great idea - that I could spend all of this quality time with C.

Instead I walk in the house and immediately feel a black cloud hovering over me. I am completely over critical of EVERYthing that C has done (or not done, rather) in my absence. The day I left I had asked him if he had read through the folder the RE's office gave us. "Not yet", was his reply. Not yet? Not YET? When would be a good time then? Maybe next month when all of this is over?!!! A few weeks ago he told the psychologist (mandated session for our clinic) that he was going to do more research and ask more questions about this process. I was so happy to hear him take on some responsibility and make an effort to learn about this journey without me spoon feeding him information. Has he done any of that? - not yet. Did he ask me about my first injection? Not yet. I've lost nearly 20 pounds since the beginning of the year because the RE said it would improve my fertility. Has C started his exercise program to do the same? Not yet.

It is completely impossible for me to express how I'm feeling to him right now without verbally ripping off his head. Is this Lupron rage (already?), or am I just over tired and over stressed?

Thank you all for the comments. I haven't gotten around to individual blogs just yet as it has been a very busy week. But I just wanted to acknowledge how much your support means to me!

Right of passage

Meds came today so I felt I had to do the picture.....

I thought that I would be giddy. Instead I look at all of those boxes and the only thing that goes through my mind is: "surely I didn't get enough needles". No matter, I can always get more from work. I don't start Lupron until next Sunday, so right now all the meds are in the basement. They'll stay there until I can figure out how I am going to organize them upstairs away from curious little hands.

I also received in the mail today a baby shower thank you note from my cousin's wife who is pregnant with IVF twins. She included her email and an extra note letting me know that she is there for me if I need support - amazing considering that I've only seen her twice.

Not too much else to say. Thank you for the input about 3 vs 5 day transfers. I guess we will just see how it goes - how many eggs, how many fertilize and if it looks like there will be 2 that will make it to 5 days. I keep on reminding myself that I just need to take this one day at a time - not an easy task for someone who likes to have a plan. My RE told me that I needed to find some way to have some peace in my life. I took that as a prescription for a massage and made an appointment today.

Naps

So apparently today's meeting with the RE and IVF nurse was a bit more emotionally taxing than I had expected - as evidenced by my 1 hour nap on the way home and my husband's nap once we got home!

Nothing terribly exciting discussed today other than protocol and dates of upcoming appointments. I will by on 20u of Lupron, then 10u then 5u. I start menopur and 150 of Follistim am and pm on May3. Ultrasounds on May 1st and 9th. We discussed 3 day vs 5 day transfer and number of embryos. From everything that I have read 5 day blast transfer is preferred primarily because you don't have to transfer as many embryos, thus decreasing the risk for multiples. My RE said that they usually do 3 day transfers and that there is no difference in pregnancy rates with 3 vs 5 day transfer. Of course we will see how things go and possibly convert to 3 day. Does anyone have any input? My RE said she would do whatever I wanted. I am walking that line between trying to be my own health advocate and trusting that the doctors do this all the time and know what they are doing.

We didn't get any formal injection training as I do them all the time. My husband is a little too excited about giving me the IM injections. I will be out of town for my first Lupron shot, so it will be all me.

The RE isn't worried about my FSH =10 during the clomid challenge. Although she did say several times that my age was more of a concern than anything else. Both the RE and RN were ver bubbly and attentive today - which has been a bit of a change from the last couple of visits. We left feeling very reassured, but apparently tired.

Grey Street

So over the weekend, I've been listening to my iPod on my way to work. I keep on stumbling on the song "Grey Street" by the Dave Matthews Band. It strikes a cord in me so deeply and I always cry. I'm not sure why I'm putting myself through the misery of listening to it over and over again, maybe it is somewhat comforting to hear my feelings put in such a beautifully sad song. There is a part of me that needs time to grieve during this process, but I'm often afraid that if I think about it for too long, I won't stop crying. So listening to a song gives me a finite amount of time to grieve...I feel it intensely, but for a short amount of time. (5 minutes and 6 seconds to be exact). Then I move on to something more light and fluffy like "Beer for My Horses" by Toby Keith and Willie Nelson! Anyway here are the portion of the lyrics that touches my soul's soft spot.

She thinks, “Hey,How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together -to grey
And it breaks her heart

If you are interested in hearing the song on YouTube....here is the link:


Hollie...thanks for the comment and support! Good luck with your ER! I have somehow deleted your comment....completely by accident...I'm new to the "moderate comments" button! How many follies/eggs did you have?

I have my appointment with the RE on Wednesday to go over all sorts of details...more then!

I'm on my way

So yesterday was cd 1. And with that comes a whirlwind of emotions. First there is the ever looming sadness as of course I thought that this would be the month that we would get our BFP and not need all of this silly IVF business. But I could only greive this briefly as now it is time to make a plan for the next few weeks, check schedules and get all hormoned up. So here is the tentative schedule:

BCPs (started yesterday) until April 22
Start Lupron on April 20
Baseline u/s on May 1
Gonadotropins May3
u/s May 9
ER/ET week of May 12

I talked to the person in charge of my orientation as soon as I got these dates and I will be working from home the week of the 12th doing a self study education thingy. How awesome is that?

This morning I awoke with a MONSTER headache. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep, the stress (I've developed what I think is a stress related eye tick!), my lack of morning coffee, or the dramatic change in the weather.

I'm off to rest and will my headache away. This will be followed by a massive house cleaning effort if the headache goes away.