Nope....

....still haven't talked to C. I just can't do it right now - too much on both of our plates to bring up such a sensitive subject...right now Scarlett O'Hara is my hero, for her ability to "think about it tomorrow".


Z and I had a relaxing day so yesterday - blueberry picking, shopping, lunch followed by ice cream*, then we both took a nap - her cuddled in my arms. Last night we went to a Parents Welcome Evening at Z's pre-school. We met the parents of a little girl named Sophia that will be in Z's class....I am secretly hoping that we will become fast friends - even though the mother has an infant and is remarkably thin - they just seem so nice. Z is very excited about going to school- I'm convinced that there is no way she can be old enough for this to happen already. She has "orientation" tomorrow and starts school next Tuesday- I'm sure I will be a basket case.

*The ice cream comment has made me wonder. I will do whatever I can to have another child - save financial ruin. I know that being overweight can affect fertility - so why is it that I can't lose weight? I am such an emotional eater. If I've had a bad day - it's "pass the Ben and Jerry's, please". Needless to say I have had emotional turmoil over IF for at least a year, and food has been my comfort. There was a time that exercise was cathartic for me. I ran 10K races, I trained with a body builder for awhile, and was proud of my body. Hah! That is so far from the truth these days - and the frustrating part of it is I know I can do it - I've done it before (much like pregnancy). I know that a big (no pun intended) factor is that C is very overweight as well, and not terribly motivated to exercise. I can't take this on alone, and if I can't motivate myself, how is it possible to motivate him? I also want to set a good example for my daughter of healthy eating habits and exercise.

The adenomyosis pain hasn't kicked in yet and I am what I think is 6 dpo (usually the pain starts on 3-4 dpo). I think that I am starting to get some PMS/early preg symptoms like tender bbs- so I have been walking around the house groping myself to make sure. All of this really hasn't done anything for my mental state. Did I imagine the EWCM? (hard to believe that - it was copious). Am I pregnant and the pain is already subsiding? Did all the mucking around with hormones over the last year make it impossible for me have a regular natural cycle? Do C and I need to start at it like rabbits again? (and that brings on a whole new set of questions). Am I in the 2ww? And if yes, when should I POAS? Argggghhhh - I think my head is going to explode.

Change

I'm considering a change....changing the name of this blog to "The Toilet Paper Diaries". My whole life seems to hang in the balance of what I find on the toilet paper. I was bounding along, just fine - even a little happy and light. Then the damn EWCM shows up and I am a mess. Why is it happening so early? Am I ovulating on the right this month? (4 in a row on the left seems like too much to ask). How can I completely rearrange my schedule - without messing up everyone else's- to accommodate this biological change that I have absolutely no control over? In one wipe I go from normal average human being to crazed IFer.

I was doing so well, but now that I haven't done any monitoring....I'm not sure what exactly I should be obsessing over right now. I am actually thankful for my adenomyosis pain, because if I start up with that in the next couple of days, I will know that I did really ovulate early. It is possible that I am in the 2ww right now, and don't even really know it. Maybe I will take Hez's advice and sleep as much as I can, to get through the next couple of weeks.

This weekend went well, hectic, but well. We have been shopping, out to eat, bowling, napping, watched a DVD, scattered with brief relaxation - and that was just Saturday. Sunday was more shopping, manicures with the nieces, errands, watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (or as Z calls it: Chitty Bang BANG), dinner, then the drive back to Vermont. It was quite the whirlwind weekend - it almost always is down there, but most enjoyable. Usually the kids are involved in so many activities that we don't get much time to sit down and talk for any period of time. My eldest niece is 13, and I was able to dole out some much needed advice about boys. I believe the pinnacle of the wisdom I bestowed was that at this age she should not date any boys that ride motorcycles. They are very good kids, but caught up in the "keeping up with the Jones" mentality that comes with living in an affluent community. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that 9 going on 10 years old is a little young to be seriously looking at purchasing a Coach purse.

So now we are back at our humble Vermont abode. I have the morning to myself which I may or may not spend cleaning. Warning: TMI shared in the following...... We had a botched "rendezvous" last night. Both of us were exhausted, and C had some performance issues. These seem to happening a little more frequently in the last couple of months. I know there is a lot of pressure, and I try not to make a big deal of it - because that only adds to the pressure....but when it happens, I am devastated. He only has ONE job in all of this- and of all the things that I endure - his job is not so bad - at least I hope it isn't! I don't feel like I can express to him exactly how big of a deal this is to me, because it will just add to the stress of the situation next time. This morning we hardly spoke. Right as he was walking out the door he grabbed me and gave me a big bear hug, which was needed, but then says "I feel kind of bad about last night". KIND OF?! I know I need to talk with him about this, but I am dreading it.

This is new

Well, I actually lost it tonight at work. I had two patients back to back that have less than desirable prenatal histories (I am putting that very mildly). Both smoke, one admitted to 1.5 packs per day - which we always assume that the patient under reports their actual amount. Both of course were unplanned pregnancies....I could go on, but I won't.

For the last few days I have been in a very good mental place. This "off" cycle has done wonders for me. And even though I know that I've been stressed, I had no idea to what extent until I threw my bbt chart out the window. Maybe it is the extra time in my schedule that I don't have to rush off to doctor's appointments! Maybe it is because the only thing in my "chickie" these days is my DH. (Did I go too far with that one?).

So after my mental collapse at work I go to the bathroom and have monster EWCM. WTF? It is only cd 9! I haven't had any CM changes since we started IUIs so this was a bit of a surprise to say the least. Now we are not doing any monitoring, but I was certainly going to give this the ol' natural try this month. CD9 ovulation does NOT fit into my social/sleep schedule. C is taking Z to the babysitter's this morning so I can sleep. I will only get maybe 4 hours of sleep then I pick her up, come home and pack so as soon as C gets home from work we will drive 2.5 hours to my brother's house for the weekend - where we are watching my 13 and 10 year old nieces for the weekend. So when do we fit in a rendezvous?

Thank you for being there....wherever you are

My poor DH. I have been alternating between a raving bitch and a pathetic wet blanket. The other day he took the afternoon off of work - originally it was going to be for a fun family outing, but it turned into a family errand day. He offered to take Z so I could have the afternoon to myself, but I decided that I really did not need to be alone with my thoughts. Errands with a tired 3 year old and a cranky 38 year old is not a good combination. The expedition ended on a high note - a margarita. (Although I started to get a bit peeved when C told me I should keep the drinks coming....because I needed to relax.....I tried to remind him that the last thing you tell an infertile is to RELAX!)

So now I am in the 4ww I guess. I am waiting for might RE appointment. I received a big ol' packet of information and questionnaires in the mail from the clinic which will keep me busy for a while. The strangest thing for me right now is that I'm not temping, not keeping track of anything. If it weren't for the ticker at the top of my blog, I wouldn't know what cd it is. It is mostly nice, but every once a while the thought creeps in that I am forgetting something....what was it again....oh, yah, I'm forgetting to obsess!

***********************************************
Well, it has taken me 4 days to write this post so far. I have been writing it incrementally and I am amazed at how little I have had to say and the time it has taken me to do so.

Yesterday I saw my therapist, I think she should have only charged me for 1/2 session, because I cried for at least half of it, no talking or therapy happening during that 1/2 hour! But I do feel better - okay, maybe the crying was therapeutic. The feeling of solitude is very overwhelming. I have always had a sufficient supply of friends that I could always find someone to call or visit and talk about my woes. Maybe its the getting older thing - every ones' lives have gone on and they are busy. Two of my good friends that are close in proximity have insane schedules. One is a mother of 4 (ranging from teenagers to age 8), and the other has an infant. I need someone IRL that I can sit down face to face and talk to.....there is really no one right now.....no one that I can rely on to be there at the drop of a hat. C is as always great, but as we all know, sometimes he would be the topic of discussion. Initially I talked about treatment with my friends at work - nobody more supportive than a labor and delivery nurse right? But the deeper I get into this, the less they understand, the more I here "just relax" or "a friend's husband lifted her upside down by her ankles and shook her....and she got pregnant!" (I'm not kidding about the last one...and if I hear it one more time, I will kick her in the shins). Blogging has been a blessing. I am astounded by how many times I read some one's blog and think - "THAT'S IT! I know exactly what they are feeling!" Artblog hit the nail on the head for me this week. I don't really know who I am anymore. Even looking at pictures of me now, the image doesn't match with they way I feel. I used to be the life of the party, easy going, kooky, up for almost any crazy adventure, athletic.....those all feel like distant memories right now. So thank you, thank you for blogging, thank you for commenting and sending hugs and positive thoughts. I don't think that I could make it through this journey without ya'll. There is certainly strength in numbers

ANYWAY, my therapist gave me the name of a massage therapist that does craniosacral therapy - now, in one of my previous careers I was a massage therapist, so while most people I know tend to think that there is "no such thing as a bad massage" I disagree. I am a total and complete massage snob, so I hope she is good.

That reminds me of a joke: How is pizza like sex?....when its good, its GREAT. And when its bad....its still pretty good. (ya know, now that I read that back.....it doesn't really apply after the first year of ttc - maybe it will be funny again one day.)

I have acupuncture this afternoon. It really hasn't helped specifically with my adenomyosis pain or obviously my infertility, but I do enjoy going. It helps my head....which is what I am concentrating on this month- no therapy for anything below the neck for me right now! My daughter provided me with some much needed laughing (and exercise) yesterday. I had just ordered the soundtrack from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" - one of my favorite movies of all times. We put on the music and I was surprised at her immediate reaction - to say she loved it would be a profound understatement. I played "Me Ol' Bam-Boo" about 10 times and the whole time we laughed and danced and ran around like maniacs, C came home from work in the middle of it all and just sat and watched us with a huge smile on his face. Sounds goofy, but it really was a beautiful moment.

Well, I'm off to have lunch with a friend (the one with 4 kids). We haven't sat down for a one on one talk in probably 6 months, maybe even more, I don't really want to be a downer and talk about IF, but it is such a major thing in my life - how can I not? She is one of those few people that when they ask you "So, how are you doing?" She really wants to know the answer.

Here we go again

cd 1.

Not temping. Still crying.

I'm off to my doctors' offices to sign a release so they can sent my records to the (in)fertility clinic.

Out damn spot

I have never cried so hard as I did last night. Right after I clicked the button to publish my last post I went to the bathroom....I'm sure you can see where this is going. There was the faintest of faint spot on the TP. This is how AF usually starts for me. Now, a "normal" woman would probably never even notice this, but as I'm sure all IFers do when expecting AF I would get out a microscope if I had one at each trip to the loo. So the tears just start pouring out of me. I went to bed a proceeded to sob for the next hour. My body was literally shaking - I don't think I have ever cried like that. C just sat there and rubbed my back. I'm glad he didn't ask too many questions, I certainly was in no shape to form words. It took me a couple of minutes to be able to tell him why I was crying. All I said was "I'm spotting".

My parents have been staying with us for the last few days, so when I woke up I had to face my mother all puffy eyed. We ended up having a very good conversation over lunch about the latest in my infertility adventures. She told me that she lost 2 babies because she had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. I never knew this. I told her that I am considering a hysterectomy to solve my adenomyosis pain when we know that we are done with my uterus. My mother had a hysterectomy when she was 39 and told me that it really affected her sexual pleasure. Holy crap! My mother and I DO NOT talk like this. Let me give you a little background. When I was a senior in high school, this was my mother's idea of having the big "sex talk" with me. Mother: "Do you have a questions?" Me: "NO!" Mother: "Let me know if you do". That is as close to talking about sex as we get. But wait - it gets better. She continues to tell me that she has never really been a sexual person and that she would much rather cuddle. But my father on the other hand he is "a real physical person". Me: "Ok, Mom, we just crossed the line". We quickly changed subject. She still thinks that Z is the perfect child (she is) and that it is no big deal that we don't have another. I tried to explain to her that it would be like giving up a 25 year old dream. I think she finally understood when I told her that I love having a brother. When I was in college, my parents lived in Europe. This was back in a time when overseas phone calls cost $2/minute, so I didn't talk to them much. I relied on my brother during those times to dole out advice that I would normally go to my parents about. Family is so important to me and I want to leave that legacy with my daughter.

Anyway, back to the spot. Needless to say I did not POAS (don't have one at home anyway) and I did not call my doctor to talk to him about a beta. I have had more one episode of the same - but actually an even more faint spot and nothing else. I was really expecting to see AF in full glory today....so now my hope goes up a little....but unfortunately I am at the end of my post and I am once again going to go to the bathroom....wish me luck.....

Advice needed

So it is the early morning of the 15th. Still no AF, temp came back up a little today (to 97.8) but I also only had 4 hours of sleep. Dr. O.T. said this was the day for the beta, but I don't know if this is too early. I am 15dpiui, I'm guessing 13dpo. I know I could still get a false negative if I POAS, but is this an appropriate time for b/w?

I have decided to not go back to this doctor for further treatment. As I have said, I work with him and I see how he treats his patients - without much regard usually. I have seen him cut an episiotomy on a women who was yelling "you're not going to cut me are you?" His latest shenanigans have involved a medical review of a case. He is so close to retirement he can smell it and I think he is mentally checked out. Now, he used to teach at Georgetown, and he has been an OB for 45 years - he's no slouch, and I actually really like him during casual conversation. I just think he has his own agenda when it comes to patient care and I no longer want to put the fate of my pregnancy in his hands. SO, my appointment with the RE is Sept 12. I think we will probably take this cycle off - but I am worried about not temping, worried that I would be losing some bit of vital information for our next step. For those of you who have done IUIs - what kind of importance does your RE place on bbt?

The case of the missing zit

I usually get a monster zit the week before AF. It's one of those large underground ones that pop up in the strangest places; behind the ear, in the hairline on the back of my neck, in my nose crease. Sometimes it is right in plain site on my chin or forehead. So far - no zit. I am expecting AF either today or tomorrow so my obsessing is really kicking into high gear. My bbt has also been very strange this month. My highest temp was only 98.2 and it has dropped a few tenths slowly over the last couple of days. I can't really tell when it has gone below coverline, and there hasn't been the dramatic shifts that I usually see - and I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

C and I had an interesting conversation the other day about our long term plans. We go to the RE next month, but we both agree we will only do 2 more IUIs- unless something is revealed in further testing that would make it worth our while to do a couple more. IVF is probably not in the picture for us, unless we come into a windfall of money. We really need to have an expiration date on our efforts to conceive one way or the other because the only definitive treatment for my adenomyosis is a hysterectomy. I cannot continue to live with this pain month after month, it is affecting my work, my relationships and at times my ability to care for Z. We've discussed adoption, even before there were IF issues. But, the more I read about adoption, the more I am discouraged. It could be years before an infant was available, I know there are older children that need good homes, but I can't quite conceptualize adopting a toddler or school aged child. It feels so selfish to admit that, but right now that is how I feel. I find it amusing (not really the right word) that the advice-givers of the world will tell the IFers to "just adopt". Like it is as easy as going to the store to pick out the perfect child. Do they not understand that 1. it can be more expensive than IVF, 2. many children have significant maternal histories of mental illness or substance abuse, 3. adoption is not a sure thing - especially for us older folks 4. the potential complications of inter-racial adoptions (which would most likely be the case), anyway the list goes on. I feel like Debbie Downer, but this is the reality. Adoption is no longer the "fall back plan" that many people think it is.

So then I think of Z being an only child and it breaks my heart. The other day we were at a park and she followed 3 sisters around, too timid to jump right in a play with them - but wanting to be invited. I'm not ready to accept that she will be an only child, we may be coming to the end of IF treatments, and adoption is looking bleak. So where does that leave me/us - in limbo I guess. How do people do this? How do people make these incredible life decisions? I'm not one to pussyfoot around either. Make a decision. Start action. It should be that easy. Of course rattling around in the back of my head is the thought that if I start having these conversations, making the appointments and starting a new plan, then I won't really need it, that I will finally have my BFP.

Numb

My boss passed away today.

I can't wrap my brain around it. She had gotten a clean bill of health a month ago.

Not much else to say today.

Smack dab in the middle of the 2ww

Yes, the trip to the ER was quite scary...and all my nursing experience goes right out the window when a member of my family is involved. I remember several years ago - must be about 8 years now. We were at a family party and my niece was running with a lollipop stick or something in her mouth and she tripped. Mouth/facial injuries are almost always quite bloody and this was not exception. She had blood dripping out of her mouth onto her white shirt. Needless to say the family turns to me, thinking that I will jump in and start doing some first aid. Meanwhile, I was in the corner of the room, sitting down with my head between my knees because I thought I was going to pass out. ANYWAY, Z is perfectly fine. But we still have not found teddy- it was a homemade bear that my MIL had made for my baby shower. She is going to make another one (two actually), but it won't be the same.

My adenomyosis pain kicked in last night. It's pretty bad so far. Not really frequent, but quite intense. I have had virtually no temperature shift this month. My temp has not gone above 98.0! I'm a little concerned, but trying not to think of it too much. I am 7 dpiui. So far I have not been obsessing too much, but it feels like forever until the 15th.

Charcoal and Chocolate Milk

I arrive at work tonight and a fellow co-worker says "Call home right now, it's important". Well, that is never a good sign. So the call home goes something like this

C: "Z took one of my blood pressure pills" (50 mg of metoprolol) "What should I do?"
Me: "Call the doctor, you may need to come into the ER"
C: "But I was just about to give her a bath"
Me: "I don't care, she could have cardiac symptoms."
C: "Oh, ok"

C calls the doctor and he says "Hmmm, I've never heard of a child taking metoprolol. Why don't you just monitor her pulse." C does not know what he is looking for, so the brilliant doctor tells him to "watch for signs of fatigue" - it is her bedtime.....she is supposed to be fatigued.

So I call poison control, and they recommend that she be seen in the ER. By the time I get someone to watch my patients for me, she has been in the ER for about 30 minutes. When I walk in she is disheveled - hair all crazy because apparently a quick bath was necessary before the trip to the ER. And she has black streaks all over her face and hands. "Show mommy your tongue!", it is black as night. She ended up drinking 16 oz of charcoal (mixed with chocolate milk) to absorb any medication that was still in her stomach. C and Z were in the ER for about 4 hours, monitoring her heart rate and blood pressure. She is absolutely fine. In fact she was quite lively at 11:30 pm when they left - I guess all that chocolate milk (and charcoal) will get a little one wired!

I was a wreck, and C is feeling extremely guilty. But everything turned out fine in the end - except now her favorite teddy bear is missing.

Stress, blood pressure and therapy

Stop me if you've heard this one before. In order to lower C's blood pressure/stress he feels that I should start seeing my therapist again. Let me repeat that: he is stressed, so I need therapy. I don't know how, but I actually laughed when I heard this! I suppose that I would not have found it very funny had I not just called her earlier in the day. I repeated back to him what he was proposing, and to his credit he did say "well, you put it like that, it doesn't sound right". I made the suggestion that maybe he should make an appointment....he is not unwilling, but is quick to say that he feels like he deals with his stress just fine and he doesn't think he would learn anything....but if it will make me feel better then he will go. Hell, don't do it for me - that isn't the point. This all came up at his doctor's appointment today. He was recently put on blood pressure medication and this was just a follow up. Part of the discussion was about how he was handling stress and it's affect on blood pressure.

I'm not sure how far to push this idea of C seeking therapy. I'm a big fan of it myself. Someone once told me that it was like taking a class and the subject was all about you. I think C has issues that he has not dealt with. Many years before I was in the picture he was engaged. She died in a car accident on her way to see him. That has got to leave a mark. He collects things....lots of things...baseball cards, comic books, DVDs, first addition books, state quarters....etc. Some of the collecting has gone a little too far. We must have at least 800 DVDs. I think it is unnatural. He is also overweight and has been most of his life, there is certainly some genetic disposition, as he is built just like his mother, but there has to be an emotional component as well. I think therapy would help - if he would let it. If he is going to go into it with the attitude that there is nothing that he can learn, then why bother.

This is going to sound like a stupidly obvious statement, but this last year and a half has been very stressful on our relationship. I don't have much sympathy for him when he's having a bad day. "Try getting poked and prodded, and hopped up on hormones, followed by intense pain and ultimately devastating disappointment every month" is usually what I am thinking when he starts complaining about a difficult client. I'm not really playing the supportive wife role very well right now. It is a vicious cycle. He is stressed because I am stressed. I get stressed because he plays computer games entirely too much for my liking versus basic household maintenance, and he is playing computer games because it is one of his ways to relieve stress. We actually had a very pleasant conversation about all of this, not emotional, I didn't cry or get pissed off - an accomplishment for me.

We won't really have any time to sit down and talk about this anymore until Monday or Tuesday night as I am working all weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. When I have this schedule, I pretty much just work and sleep.

Phone Calls

I just did a scary thing. I made an appointment at the "big" hospital at an actual (in)fertility clinic. I am only 3dpiui, but I am anticipating the next step. My temperatures have not really elevated, so now I am questioning what really happened in the 36 hours between trigger and IUI. Knowing that sometimes it can be awhile to get an appointment, I decided to be proactive. The consultation is on September 12. Another reason for making the call is that I am beginning to trust my doctor less and less. It doesn't help that I work with him and I see how he treats other patients. He has done a couple of things this last week that I would consider negligent. That is not the kind of practitioner that I want mucking around with my innards, and holding the fate of a pregnancy in his hands. As I have said before, I don't think that he knows my case very well, and does not really listen to my concerns - so off I go to change doctors once again. I still have hope that I will need to cancel aforementioned appointment, but just in case I will start collecting all my records.

I've been quite busy on the phone today actually. The insurance company even gave me some good news - well, not bad news - for me to go to the big fancy teaching hospital will only cost me a $200 deductible plus 20%. Insurance should cover the consultation and anything that is diagnostic, but no treatments. I'll jump off that bridge if/when we get there. Speaking of jumping off of bridges, I also called my therapist - unfortunately she is out of town on a family emergency.....so I don't know when I'll hear back from her. I also called my acupuncturist - I haven't seen her in months. My final phone call was to the preschool that Z is starting in the fall to find out the schedule for the first couple of weeks. She will be going to "orientation" on Aug 30.

Life Lessons Found in Blueberry Bushes

Toady is 1 dpiui! And I'm in the infamous 2ww. Last night went without a hitch. Everything from childcare to specimen collection to procedure went amazingly well. The IUI itself, which usually is quite painful for me, was just fine - no squeezing C's hand or making facial contortions as Dr. O.T. was pulling my cervix forward....thank you retroverted uterus. Also, C's swimmers looked good. So as we were driving home, I had a wave of optimism and hope....but of course I did not want to say as much - I don't want to jinx it.

So this morning Z and I headed up the hill to the IL's. They have a pick your own blueberry farm with about 300 bushes. The picking has been amazing - blueberries the size of grapes (large grapes). Of course Z eats as much as she picks, and she has a grand time. One of the things that has always fascinated me is that you can stand in one spot and pick for awhile, then you when you think you have picked that bush empty, if you change your position even ever so slightly, you may find an untapped batch - that was right under your nose. So my lesson that I re-learned today was: if you change you perspective - even just a little, you may find opportunities that you never even knew were there. I am trying to apply this to my IUI. If it fails again, then I am going to need to start looking at my life a little differently - who knows what I might find.

In the meantime, beta is set for August 15 if no AF. I'm trying not to obsess, but I feel pretty good about this one - why is that so scary to admit?