The Silver Lining

The silver lining is that I have truly discovered that I have the most wonderful and compassionate boss EVER. I emailed her last night to give her the heads up on what was going on and that I would need some time off. I had planned on going into work today (I have burned up all of my earned time as of late, so any time I take off would be without pay) but taking the bulk of time off next week. This is her response to my email:

• I feel very sad for you. Your heart is breaking. Words won't comfort.
  I wish you could go to a place to be with women where they would surround you, and attend to you, and hold you, and let you be as raw as you need to be. We would do that here if we could, but we can't, or we can, but only intermittently, moments instead of hours. I fear the reality of what is going on in the external environment will crash into what is going on internally; physically, emotionally, and spiritually for you. I don't want where you are and what you are called to do to create more pain for you in this process. I think you should take care of yourself and think about being away from here now, not next week, but now. This may not be the best place for you to be, in fact, it may be harmful to your vulnerable heart. You are brave. You are strong, but perhaps not that strong. Who could be?
  I trust you to make the decisions that best serve you. I will honor whatever you decide is best and right for you. You are a wonderful nurse, and we appreciate your work here- but not if comes at too great a cost to you. If on the other hand, you will find solace in the rythym of the work, the never-ending cycle, the company of women engaged in carinig for women- then of course, you should come. Only you know.
  I am so very sorry. all my best to you. k

She ended up calling me later in the evening to "warn" me about a fellow co-worker who just announced her pregnancy and people have been talking about it. She didn't want me to walk in and be surprised by this news. In the end, I decided to take today off. I didn't sleep more than about 3 hours last night and yesterday I hurt my back and have not really been able to stand up straight. As it turns out I believe it was a good idea all around, shortly after I woke up I noticed the faintest of spotting, so I think that this pregnancy is declaring itself on its own. I took the progesterone last night, and originally had planned on taking it again today and repeat one more beta tomorrow, but now I truly feel like this is the end. I checked my work email this morning and this is another email from the clinical educator, not really a supervisor, but she has known pretty much every step of my journey.

• I'm so sorry for your loss. While I want to see you and hold you and cry with you, you can know my heart and thoughts are with you now and through the day. I'm glad you chose to stay home where you have more contol over your environment. Please let us know if we can do anything for you. Thank you for letting me journey with you.

I couldn't ask to have a more supportive work environment, I am blessed in that regard. So now I guess I just wait. We are planning on going out of town this weekend, it is my niece's birthday and we have been organizing this for quite some time. I'll call this the clinic this morning to see if there is any reason I shouldn't go. My family knows what is happening and they will all be supportive if I need time just to hang out in the corner. I'll have the next 3 days to myself and any longer than that and I may go batty.