Well, the family reunion was nice. We visited with cousins that I have not seen since our wedding in 2001. The whole weekend was very busy - as it is usually down there. I did get to go on a lovely long walk with my SIL and talk about my woes. At the beginning of this journey (Jan 2006) I was pretty open about our intentions. I especially talked to my co-workers about the probability of VBAC-ing. Just about everyone at work knew when we had resorted to medical interventions. Now, it is a very different story. Only one person has asked about what has been going on during the last couple of weeks and the only thing I could think of to say is: "you don't want to know". I am learning the hard way that if I don't want to hear "just relax" then I shouldn't tell anyone what we are going through, because unless the person has been there, that is the standard response. So in light of all that, it was nice to be able to talk to someone IRL that just listened- didn't offer any suggestions. The best thing she said during this talk was that "only (I) knew what was best for my family, nobody can make this decision for (me)." Of course I know this in my heart, but it was nice to hear.
Thursday I went on another long walk with some new friends that I have met through my daughter's preschool. Both women have two children and are around my age. Their youngest children (8 months and 18 months) came with us on the walk, so it was an hour and a half of juggling strollers and babies. About half way through the walk my career came up and then it was almost non-stop discussion about birth experiences. I also mentioned that I was looking into applying to a larger hospital. Then, and I knew it was coming "so, are you going to have anymore kids?" Well, I fumbled, must have seem like an idiot - it's an easy question for most right? But I really like these women, I feel like there is a connection. So I ever so briefly spilled the beans. "We've been trying for a long time, looks like we need IVF". Drum roll......."you should just relax" "you should get a dog".......sigh. All I could say was "it's not that easy" and closed the book on that conversation. What was I thinking?
So today my mind is spinning a little. Am I in the 2ww? Once again this month I have done no monitoring. I have had no CM changes so I haven't a clue when I O'd. I am waiting to hear back from the clinic on my clomid challenge results. I'm not really expecting anything unusual as my last FSH was 4- but that was last year. How quickly can those eggs go bad? I am harboring some hope that since I hit the "submit" button on my application to the big scary hospital, that this of course means that I will be pregnant this month. Silly rabbit, why do I put my self through this mental torture? It's my birthday in a couple of days. I will be sleeping for most of it as I work the night before. I'm not sure if there will be any hoopla. I have mixed feelings about even acknowledging this event. I will be 39...THIRTY NINE!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
New
I feel like I am a new person, maybe even a little of the "old" me....the fertile me. C did my laundry last night. I can get pretty wound up about the handling of certain clothes (ex: I don't want my scrubs to sit in the dryer too long because they will wrinkle quickly, and there are certain sweater/shirts that I want either dried on a low setting or drip dried). To make a very long story short, there was a small snafu involving a pair of jeans and a sweater. Here's the kicker - I did not get mad, I didn't snap. I simply asked C to make an adjustment for next time. Later in the day there was another incident - although I don't even remember what it was - and I felt so calm...and not angry. What a pleasant change (both for me a C).
We are at the decision stage. No real action going on here right now. I just finished my clomid challenge and had blood work drawn yesterday morning. We are waiting for the results of b/w and SA, then we will formulate a real plan. In the meantime, I have gotten my references in order and I am in the process of doing an online application to the big scary hospital that is not so scary after all. I hope to be able to submit everything by early next week. I have to do a little research into getting my nursing license in another state. I'm hoping it is as simple as one page paperwork and a fee.
This weekend we are off to my brother's for a big family reunion. We have family coming in from Colorado that I haven't seen since our wedding 6 years ago. We will still work on ttc the old fashioned way (which of course means this weekend while we are at my brother's- luckily our usual sleeping arrangements put us in the basement far away from everyone). But the stress and anticipation and planning are minimal. I may even go crazy and have a beer...or four.
With the prospect of a new plan, the IVF plan, I find myself searching blogs to find those that are in my boat: advanced maternal age (hate that label), secondary infertility, adenomyosis, and IVF. If anyone has some suggested blogs that are not already on my list, please drop me the link.
We are at the decision stage. No real action going on here right now. I just finished my clomid challenge and had blood work drawn yesterday morning. We are waiting for the results of b/w and SA, then we will formulate a real plan. In the meantime, I have gotten my references in order and I am in the process of doing an online application to the big scary hospital that is not so scary after all. I hope to be able to submit everything by early next week. I have to do a little research into getting my nursing license in another state. I'm hoping it is as simple as one page paperwork and a fee.
This weekend we are off to my brother's for a big family reunion. We have family coming in from Colorado that I haven't seen since our wedding 6 years ago. We will still work on ttc the old fashioned way (which of course means this weekend while we are at my brother's- luckily our usual sleeping arrangements put us in the basement far away from everyone). But the stress and anticipation and planning are minimal. I may even go crazy and have a beer...or four.
With the prospect of a new plan, the IVF plan, I find myself searching blogs to find those that are in my boat: advanced maternal age (hate that label), secondary infertility, adenomyosis, and IVF. If anyone has some suggested blogs that are not already on my list, please drop me the link.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sleep, I need sleep
Just a quick post, as I am off to bed after a very long weekend at work. I'm on day 3 of my clomid challenge. Last night I had such a monster headache (fatigue? clomid? stress?) I felt like I might puke. The only thing I could think of is that if I'm having a tough time with the 100 mg of clomid - what are gonadotropins going to do to me! I guess I'll jump off that bridge when/if we get there. I took 100 mg for three months a while ago, and I don't remember it having this effect so I'm hoping it was just emotional and physical stress versus pharmacological stress!
I wanted to submit my resume today, but I did not get a chance to finish updating it yet. Maybe tomorrow. I also had the mortifying thought that even though I apply for this job, I might not get it. Hmmmmm.....then what? And if I do start a new job, will I have to immediately asking for accommodations to my schedule for IVF? I read that the injections have to be taken at the same time each day within 30 minutes of the scheduled time. If I'm at work, it might be difficult to make that cut off time. I can just hear it now "I know you have the urge to push, but could you wait a minute while I go shoot up?"
I wanted to submit my resume today, but I did not get a chance to finish updating it yet. Maybe tomorrow. I also had the mortifying thought that even though I apply for this job, I might not get it. Hmmmmm.....then what? And if I do start a new job, will I have to immediately asking for accommodations to my schedule for IVF? I read that the injections have to be taken at the same time each day within 30 minutes of the scheduled time. If I'm at work, it might be difficult to make that cut off time. I can just hear it now "I know you have the urge to push, but could you wait a minute while I go shoot up?"
Friday, September 14, 2007
hot topic
I find myself trying to justify the tribulations we are voluntarily putting ourselves through in order to have another child. Mind you I do not feel the need to search for validation within myself, but to everyone else. I had thought that I found a safe place to land in this community of infertility. Lately I have been clicking on links of blogs that take me 3-4 blogs away from my original search or favorite's list. There is the hot topic out there of primary vs. secondary infertility, and honestly I am starting to feel a little unwelcome by some. I'm not going to get on any kind of soap box. When people feel so passionately about something, I have little confidence that anything will change their minds. And let me also be clear, I don't want to change anyone's mind, maybe just offer a little different perspective.
My friend who passed away of ovarian cancer 3 years ago used to talk about taking her own life at the end, when her quality of life was not acceptable for her. She also talked about not going through chemo again. She heard a lot of "I would never do that" or "I would want to fight it to the end". Her comment was simple: you don't know what you would do, until you are in that very situation. Those who say "I would just be happy with one", maybe you will, maybe you won't. There is no telling until you are truly faced with these decisions, that they are no longer hypothetical. In the end, my friend changed her mind, she did have more chemo and cancer, not hemlock, took her life. We are also entitled to change our minds and adapt our philosophies as our environment, lives and world changes around us. Speaking in absolutes is dangerous way to go through life.
Anyway, enough of that. I am seriously considering a job change in order to have coverage for IVF. I started updating my resume yesterday.
My friend who passed away of ovarian cancer 3 years ago used to talk about taking her own life at the end, when her quality of life was not acceptable for her. She also talked about not going through chemo again. She heard a lot of "I would never do that" or "I would want to fight it to the end". Her comment was simple: you don't know what you would do, until you are in that very situation. Those who say "I would just be happy with one", maybe you will, maybe you won't. There is no telling until you are truly faced with these decisions, that they are no longer hypothetical. In the end, my friend changed her mind, she did have more chemo and cancer, not hemlock, took her life. We are also entitled to change our minds and adapt our philosophies as our environment, lives and world changes around us. Speaking in absolutes is dangerous way to go through life.
Anyway, enough of that. I am seriously considering a job change in order to have coverage for IVF. I started updating my resume yesterday.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
RE visit
Hmmmmm....where, oh where do I begin?
Today we went to the big scary (in)fertility clinic at the big scary teaching/research hospital. The long and short of it is: IVF is likely to be the only logical choice for our next step. We met with a very nice, very informative nurse practitioner. She laughed when I asked about BBTs and endometrial biopsies. She also said that I was "way beyond" clomid as treatment. She was nice enough not to use a biological clock analogy, but she echoed my concerns about my age. After all, my infertility problems are not going to get any better the older I get. So I have my order for cd 3 b/w which will be tomorrow, clomid challenge on days 5-9, then repeat b/w next Thursday. C will have an SA next week, then I think I have to have an u/s, but I'm not sure on what day. I left with my head spinning from all the information, some of the details are a little fuzzy right now. As long as my fsh is not too high (it was around 4 last fall), then she strongly recommends IVF. My big hesitation about IVF has always been the money. We met with the financial person and got the breakdown on costs: $7,950 for all office visits, ultrasounds, procedures and blood work. Then there is the a la carte choices like embryo freezing, ICSI, embryo storage fees. Medications are separate and run between $3,000 and $5,000. So when all is said and done - one cycle = about $13,000. Right now I am paying about $400 per IUI cycle as they have been billing my u/s as diagnostic. However, if we do IUI with injectables(because I am "way beyond" clomid) then costs for IUI would run about $5,000. The stinker part of the IUI is there would not be a guarantee that I will ovulate on the left, so that $5,000 might as well be flushed down the toilet. At least with IVF we would bypass the tubes (or tube, rather).
So how do we pay for this, if we decide to move forward? The nurse practitioner patted me on the leg at one point and told me that if I worked at the big scary teaching/research hospital then IVF treatments are covered up to $35,000. As soon as I got home I looked on the job postings, and there is a couple of positions open on their childbirth center. C (who right now owns his own business) really stepped up to the plate and said that he would look for full or part time work at the big scary hospital too. He said that I was shouldering enough of this burden, that it shouldn't all be on me to finance this too. I would marry him all over again! I also happen to look at IT postings and there are a couple of jobs that he would be suited for as well.
Now, there are quite a few positives about changing jobs for both of us, including opportunities for career advancement, increased pay, for me- access to state of the art medical technology and medical staff. The major negative is that the big scary hospital is an hour away. If C took a job there, we would lose our flexibility in scheduling daycare and quick getaways. If I took a job there, I would be away from home too much. Unless I worked there 20 hours per week (minimum hours for full benefits) and then worked per diem at my current hospital. There is so much to think about, I'm don't know how we will make this decision. I'm trying to just take this one step at a time. First we have to get through the lab work to see what we are dealing with. I'm guessing that we will not be really doing anything for at least a couple of months. There are some other options for creative financing, but I think that they would be a little irresponsible and potentially put us in the poor house.
Today we went to the big scary (in)fertility clinic at the big scary teaching/research hospital. The long and short of it is: IVF is likely to be the only logical choice for our next step. We met with a very nice, very informative nurse practitioner. She laughed when I asked about BBTs and endometrial biopsies. She also said that I was "way beyond" clomid as treatment. She was nice enough not to use a biological clock analogy, but she echoed my concerns about my age. After all, my infertility problems are not going to get any better the older I get. So I have my order for cd 3 b/w which will be tomorrow, clomid challenge on days 5-9, then repeat b/w next Thursday. C will have an SA next week, then I think I have to have an u/s, but I'm not sure on what day. I left with my head spinning from all the information, some of the details are a little fuzzy right now. As long as my fsh is not too high (it was around 4 last fall), then she strongly recommends IVF. My big hesitation about IVF has always been the money. We met with the financial person and got the breakdown on costs: $7,950 for all office visits, ultrasounds, procedures and blood work. Then there is the a la carte choices like embryo freezing, ICSI, embryo storage fees. Medications are separate and run between $3,000 and $5,000. So when all is said and done - one cycle = about $13,000. Right now I am paying about $400 per IUI cycle as they have been billing my u/s as diagnostic. However, if we do IUI with injectables(because I am "way beyond" clomid) then costs for IUI would run about $5,000. The stinker part of the IUI is there would not be a guarantee that I will ovulate on the left, so that $5,000 might as well be flushed down the toilet. At least with IVF we would bypass the tubes (or tube, rather).
So how do we pay for this, if we decide to move forward? The nurse practitioner patted me on the leg at one point and told me that if I worked at the big scary teaching/research hospital then IVF treatments are covered up to $35,000. As soon as I got home I looked on the job postings, and there is a couple of positions open on their childbirth center. C (who right now owns his own business) really stepped up to the plate and said that he would look for full or part time work at the big scary hospital too. He said that I was shouldering enough of this burden, that it shouldn't all be on me to finance this too. I would marry him all over again! I also happen to look at IT postings and there are a couple of jobs that he would be suited for as well.
Now, there are quite a few positives about changing jobs for both of us, including opportunities for career advancement, increased pay, for me- access to state of the art medical technology and medical staff. The major negative is that the big scary hospital is an hour away. If C took a job there, we would lose our flexibility in scheduling daycare and quick getaways. If I took a job there, I would be away from home too much. Unless I worked there 20 hours per week (minimum hours for full benefits) and then worked per diem at my current hospital. There is so much to think about, I'm don't know how we will make this decision. I'm trying to just take this one step at a time. First we have to get through the lab work to see what we are dealing with. I'm guessing that we will not be really doing anything for at least a couple of months. There are some other options for creative financing, but I think that they would be a little irresponsible and potentially put us in the poor house.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
"Ferility" clinic
Tomorrow is our appointment with the big scary (in)fertility clinic. I had mentioned my amusement of the whole "fertility" clinic idea to one of my co-workers. I think it is absurd, let's just call it what is it. My friend says "well maybe it is called a fertility clinic because they are trying to make you fertile". My response was so why don't they call a cancer clinic a "remission clinic". She didn't have much to say after that.
The last 24 hours have been brutal. Last night at work was a nightmare - 2 deliveries within 11 minutes of each other. It wouldn't be bad if there weren't only 2 nurses. And there are supposed to be 2 nurses in attendance for each delivery. Well, needless to say that did not happen, and I ended up with twice the amount of work. To make it even more fun, this all happened about an hour before the end of my shift...so I was there for another 2 1/2 hours past the end of my shift finishing up paperwork. As one of the docs said last night - the medical profession has finally come to the point where it takes longer to do the paperwork involved than it does to actually treat the patient - so true.
Anyway, I'm spotting ever so slightly. The kind that no one but an infertile would notice. So, I guessing that AF will arrive in the next day or so. I am trying to get all the paperwork gathered and Z's clothes and lunch ready for tomorrow so we can leave without a hitch nice and early.
I'm sorry that I have not been commenting on many blogs in this last week- I just haven't had the energy. I AM reading, and SO thrilled for those of you who are basking in the glow of BFPs.
The last 24 hours have been brutal. Last night at work was a nightmare - 2 deliveries within 11 minutes of each other. It wouldn't be bad if there weren't only 2 nurses. And there are supposed to be 2 nurses in attendance for each delivery. Well, needless to say that did not happen, and I ended up with twice the amount of work. To make it even more fun, this all happened about an hour before the end of my shift...so I was there for another 2 1/2 hours past the end of my shift finishing up paperwork. As one of the docs said last night - the medical profession has finally come to the point where it takes longer to do the paperwork involved than it does to actually treat the patient - so true.
Anyway, I'm spotting ever so slightly. The kind that no one but an infertile would notice. So, I guessing that AF will arrive in the next day or so. I am trying to get all the paperwork gathered and Z's clothes and lunch ready for tomorrow so we can leave without a hitch nice and early.
I'm sorry that I have not been commenting on many blogs in this last week- I just haven't had the energy. I AM reading, and SO thrilled for those of you who are basking in the glow of BFPs.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Signs *with update*
So I have been fretting about whether or not to POAS tomorrow. I didn't even have any hpt at home so if I decide that yes I will take the plunge, I needed to go to the drug store before work tonight. If I do POAS, that means that I have some hope that we did what feels like the impossible- make a baby the good ol' fashioned way - no drugs no monitoring. If I do host that hope, it is so small. If I POAS then, if even for a moment, my hopes will rise and I will likely crash. Is it worse to take the test and be disappointed now, or wait and be disappointed when AF arrives? I'm not even sure why I feel the need to do a hpt - I don't feel pg. I haven't done any testing (beta or poas in a few months). We did not have a predictable cycle and our efforts were minimal. And yet....
....I did pick up 3 hpt. While I was in the store, the "family planning" isle was in disarray. When I turned the corner and saw boxes all over the floor and two employees moving shelves around I thought to myself "this is a sign....just keep walking". I did keep walking, but I walked right up to the mess. Fortunately the hpt were safely on the shelf, so I pondered only briefly then grabbed a box. My thoughts are racing, is this a bad idea? I feel like I am taking contraband to the register. As I am waiting at the check out there is a young dude trying to pay for some hard iced tea. He paid part in cash ($2) and wanted to put the remaining $5.03 on his debit card. The card was repeatedly declined. Finally he left - the person directly in front of me told the cashier that it was a sign that he shouldn't be drinking alcohol. What's with all the talk about "signs"!
Well, signs be damned, I even brought the hpt into work with me in case I had a strong desire to get it over with during the night. So I would love some opinions... waddya think I should do?
*Thanks for the reminder about mentioning dpo Artblog! I'm not really sure what dpo this is. Going strictly by one day of EWCM I would be 14 dpo today (Friday). I think I O'd early this month (on cd 9) but because I am doing absolutely no monitoring, I don't have a real good grasp on this cycle.
....I did pick up 3 hpt. While I was in the store, the "family planning" isle was in disarray. When I turned the corner and saw boxes all over the floor and two employees moving shelves around I thought to myself "this is a sign....just keep walking". I did keep walking, but I walked right up to the mess. Fortunately the hpt were safely on the shelf, so I pondered only briefly then grabbed a box. My thoughts are racing, is this a bad idea? I feel like I am taking contraband to the register. As I am waiting at the check out there is a young dude trying to pay for some hard iced tea. He paid part in cash ($2) and wanted to put the remaining $5.03 on his debit card. The card was repeatedly declined. Finally he left - the person directly in front of me told the cashier that it was a sign that he shouldn't be drinking alcohol. What's with all the talk about "signs"!
Well, signs be damned, I even brought the hpt into work with me in case I had a strong desire to get it over with during the night. So I would love some opinions... waddya think I should do?
*Thanks for the reminder about mentioning dpo Artblog! I'm not really sure what dpo this is. Going strictly by one day of EWCM I would be 14 dpo today (Friday). I think I O'd early this month (on cd 9) but because I am doing absolutely no monitoring, I don't have a real good grasp on this cycle.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
What's wrong with Carl?
Carl is a little 3 year old that will be in my daughter's pre-school class. Friday morning was "orientation", which was scheduled from 9-11. Carl did not make it for the entire session, and the time that he was there, he spent screaming. I am hoping that he is one of those kids that is an angel while in the care of others, but is most difficult for his parents. Because if he is like this all the time - there is going to have to be an intervention. Now, as much as I would like to think Z is perfect, I will concede that she has her moments. But they are short lived and usually easily resolved. Carl, well.....I think Carl has some problems.
The best part of orientation was meeting a mother that I really clicked with (the same one from the other night). The best part is that she is an "older" mom. She will be 40 next month. I find that most people my age have teenage kids, and the ones that have kids Z's age are in their 20's. I like to think that I am young at heart, and I do have friends that are much younger. But it would be nice to connect with someone who has had similar life experiences that is close to my age. I tried not to be too invasive, but I definitely want to pursue this friendship. She did mention that she thought our daughters would be "thick as thieves" so I'm sure there will be some play dates in our future.
We had a nice delivery at work tonight....then I had an emotional breakdown. It used to be hard to take care of the patients who were the extreme in poor pre-natal care - drug addicts, teenagers, etc. But these days it doesn't seem to matter what the history is, I just don't want to be around pregnant women (fellow bloggers excluded!). Now, since I am a labor and delivery nurse, that is a little hard to avoid. I suppose at the minimum I need a vacation or some kind of respite. I've been thinking about going to the Kripalu Yoga center for a weekend - but that can get a bit pricey. Maybe it's time for a Mommy and Daddy weekend away somewhere, or maybe I need to go away by myself - that sounds really good.
I still don't know what is going on with my cycle. I've only had one "episode" of adenomyosis pain and it was not very intense or lasting very long. Now and again I feel hope creeping in, but then I come to my senses. Besides - I don't want to become an anecdote: "I had a friend that went through infertility treatments and the month she didn't do anything is the month she got pregnant." I just might vomit if that is the case! I'm thinking that I will POAS on Friday the 7th. I will be 14 dp ewcm at that time.
The best part of orientation was meeting a mother that I really clicked with (the same one from the other night). The best part is that she is an "older" mom. She will be 40 next month. I find that most people my age have teenage kids, and the ones that have kids Z's age are in their 20's. I like to think that I am young at heart, and I do have friends that are much younger. But it would be nice to connect with someone who has had similar life experiences that is close to my age. I tried not to be too invasive, but I definitely want to pursue this friendship. She did mention that she thought our daughters would be "thick as thieves" so I'm sure there will be some play dates in our future.
We had a nice delivery at work tonight....then I had an emotional breakdown. It used to be hard to take care of the patients who were the extreme in poor pre-natal care - drug addicts, teenagers, etc. But these days it doesn't seem to matter what the history is, I just don't want to be around pregnant women (fellow bloggers excluded!). Now, since I am a labor and delivery nurse, that is a little hard to avoid. I suppose at the minimum I need a vacation or some kind of respite. I've been thinking about going to the Kripalu Yoga center for a weekend - but that can get a bit pricey. Maybe it's time for a Mommy and Daddy weekend away somewhere, or maybe I need to go away by myself - that sounds really good.
I still don't know what is going on with my cycle. I've only had one "episode" of adenomyosis pain and it was not very intense or lasting very long. Now and again I feel hope creeping in, but then I come to my senses. Besides - I don't want to become an anecdote: "I had a friend that went through infertility treatments and the month she didn't do anything is the month she got pregnant." I just might vomit if that is the case! I'm thinking that I will POAS on Friday the 7th. I will be 14 dp ewcm at that time.
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