The next plan

I'm planning on calling the clinic today and telling them to pencil me in for ER week of Jan 12. I have put in for vacation time at work that will give me 11 days off during ER/ET (fortunately I only work 3 shifts per week, I only had to take 3 days of earned time to have that much time off). I have started weight watchers (again...) and have lost 2 pounds. My goal is to drop 10 pounds by the time we go to Disney and hopefully another 5-10 before my next ER. I think a total of 15 pounds by mid January is a bit more realistic. It is a mystery to me that I will do anything to have another baby- change jobs, take a pay cut, spend more time and money in gas getting to new job, give myself daily injections, go to therapy, have countless vagin.al ultrasounds.....but I can't seem to lose weight. WTF? I've been told that it is really the only change in my lifestyle that would improve my chances of conception - so what am I waiting for? Earlier this year I lost almost 20 pounds before IVF#1, and that did result in a pregnancy. Then I ate my way through the grief of the miscarriage and put back on about 13 of those pounds. So here I go again, battling my weight - life time battle that I wouldn't say I'm losing, but I'm not winning either.

I'm coming to grips with the BFN. This weekend at work was a little tough. I grabbed at the chance of taking labor patients vs post partum. The idea of holding someone else's baby or helping them breast feed is just too much for my heart to take right now. Occasionally the baby's will come out the nurse's station/nursery while the parents are taking a break, so the nurse's end up cuddling the baby's. It doesn't happen a lot, babies spend most of the time in the room with their parents, so when a baby is out with us, there is usually a fight about who gets to hold the baby...not me though. I'm all but running away from them. I know that if I was asked to rock/sooth a baby I would just burst into tears.

I'm in that weird place of not wanting to think about the "what ifs". And the big one is what if IVF#3 doesn't work? Will we try again? How many more times? I keep telling myself that I can't make those decisions now, because I don't know how I will feel when the time comes. Last night on the way home from work I thought that if I am not pregnant by next fall (2009) then maybe I will look at going back to school. I have a bachelor's degree in Kinesiology, an associates degree in nursing. I would either finish my bachelor's in nursing (I only have 3 classes left), or see about going straight into a master's in some sort of nursing. In the long run I see myself in a more administrative position....good lord, that is way too far away to think about right now. Especially considering I can't even make a decision about what I'm going to do today....do I knit and clean the house or paint the upstairs hallway? Or better yet, maybe I will just procrastinate by staying on the computer long enough that it will be too late to get involved in any projects. I like options #3!

Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed at the response I got to my last post....Thank you all so much - it means the world to me knowing that I am not alone. I'm in that weird place where I want my friends to know about what is going on, but I don't want to talk to anyone...blogging makes this grieving process much easier. I don't have to worry about breaking down and crying at any given moment during conversation. I'm so sick of crying!! It's not even cathartic anymore, all it does is make me feel more sad and pathetic.

Nancy, I guess it's too late to question the early testing now. I stopped my progesterone on Monday and I started spotting lightly yesterday, full blown AF today. My nurse did tell me early on that if the first test was <1 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">dpET) was 27. I'm walking that fine line of trusting that "they" know what the hell they are doing, and advocating for myself. I'm so tired of being on high alert for every-freakin-thing.

I made my appointment for my cycle review. Right now the appointment is set for Nov 26, unless there is a cancellation. I guess I will bring up the whole DE issue, although I don't think we are really candidates - so far we have have good stimulation and good non-ICSI fertilization. According to preliminary assessment by my nurse, there is not much that they would change next cycle...I'm just gambling with the percentages. Looks like January will be go time again. I have enough warning that I think I am going to try to schedule some honest to goodness vacation time during ER and ET. That would certainly help with decreasing my stress level during that time.

My parents are in town, we don't have any crazy projects planned like we usually do. Tonight it's pumpkin carving and tomorrow is Cranberry Apple Walnut Pancakes - yum. Oh, and it snowed today....yes SNOWED! Z was running around this morning yelling "it's wintertime!"

So anyway, I'm off to get ready for the great pumpkin carving fest - I will be indulging in wine tonight. Perhaps I will wait to pop the cork until all the sharp knives are put away, last thing I need is a trip to the ER.

<1

I've been absent - sorry. For no good reason until today. Transfer went well. We did a 5 dt of one blast and one morula, one embie made it to freeze. I felt miserable on Saturday, spent most of the day in bed and at the end of the day started to throw up. "Yippee", I thought in between dry heaves.

Today is another story. I had my beta this morning. My clinic does them pretty early on, 5 and 7 dpET. Usually the first specimen is frozen and run with the second so they get the doubling time and have a better indication of a viable pregnancy right off. Anyway, I was going to have my betas drawn at different labs, so they went ahead and ran the one from this morning. It was <1. No need to repeat beta on Wednesday. Progesterone has stopped. I have already discussed the next cycle with my nurse as now we are getting into holiday season...tentatively it looks like I might be set for ER the week of Jan 12.

But I digress.....the tears are almost overwhelming. My eyes are red and they burn with every blink. Of course I was at work when I got the results. In a unit filled with babies and pregnant co-workers. I lost it and I lost it big time. I went into an empty patient room and cried for an hour. Finally I called the charge nurse in, a friend of mine and someone who is well aware of my woes, and told her I could just not function today. I was able to leave early and discretely I don't have to go back to work until Saturday - this is a very well timed break.

So I did something stupid this evening. My parents are coming in town tomorrow, so we of course had to do some cleaning. I decided that there were things that needed to go up into the attic. As I am standing up there, awaiting the box of outgrown clothes of Z's that C is at the bottom of the stairs lifting over his head, I see Z's boppy, then the swing, her broken down crib, the baby gates, the high chair, booster chair, infant car seat, portable tub, and boxes upon boxes of clothes and baby gear. All are neatly packed and labeled, awaiting their next user. I felt defeated, wondering if it is time to give some of that stuff away - at least the clothes. I'm not ready to give up, but today there is only the smallest sliver of hope that remains that this will work. The good news it is still there, and good or bad I know that it will start to grow with virtually wild abandon once we are cycling again.

My recipe for comfort tonight was pizza, soda, C's strong shoulder to cry on, and later an ambien.

Tomorrow I climb back on that wagon that I fell off of a couple of weeks ago and start exercising. I'm hoping that my eyes will be a little drier and a little less red - thank goodness tomorrow is a therapy day.

Poll

I have a couple of questions:

1. How long did it take you (yes, you) to recover from ER? I was told by my clinic that I should be out of work the day of the procedure (duh!) and the next day, then should be fine to go back to work the day after. I am now 4dpER and am just now feeling ok. I actually called out sick today because by the end of work yesterday it hurt to walk and sit. I started worrying about OHSS, but I have actually lost 2 lbs since ER and feel better today....maybe it is just because I spend my time at work (12 hours of it) walking or standing.

2. For those of you who are pregnant after IVF, did your body feel worse going through IVF or during early pregnancy?

3. What does your clinic prescribe for bedrest after ET? I've seen some people that are on 4 days of bedrest, my clinic okays going back to work the next day. If you are on long bedrest, what is the rational behind it?

I guess that is all for now. ET tomorrow morning at 9:45 EST.

Let's try this again....

So the morning of the ER went pretty well, that is until I actually went into the procedure room. C was able to collect his specimen before I had to go in, because we didn't want another "incident". As I'm lying on the stretcher, anxiously awaiting my sleepy meds, the process of starting an IV commences. Unfortunately this was becoming a repeat of last time. They were trying to put in a 20 or 22 gauge (the smallest you typically use on an adult) and after 4 attempts, decided to wait for anesthesia. When the boychild of an anesthesiologist came in, they told him of the difficulties they had starting an IV. He starts looking at my neck and my feet for a site....I'm not kidding. Part of me thinks he was looking at these sites just because they would be "cool" and good experience for him to start an IV in those places. He did finally get one in in my hand, thank goodness. And not much longer after that I was getting the happy juice. At this point we were running very late, almost an hour, so I feel bad about the ER after me (I was the first of the day). The RE (my favorite) came in briefly during the IV crisis and said "Looks like we'll get 6-8." I was very disappointed, especially since we had 14 last cycle.

Next thing I know, I'm in recovery. They retrieved 11 eggs - yay, although I still thought it would be more. I did not have any crazy bleeding and was able to leave the clinic in a reasonable amount of time. C wanted to stop at Best Buy on the way home, and I was desperate for a sandwich. I actually went into Best Buy with him because "I feel great!" That only lasted for about 10 minutes, then I was back out in the car in a reclined position, regretting my strong shopping impulse. As soon as I got home I climbed into bed, and pretty much stayed there the rest of the day. I went downstairs when my daughter came home from daycare and the first thing she said was "why is there a baby in your belly?" I guess she hears us talking a lot more than we give her credit for.

I was able to lay low for the next couple of days. 9 out of the 11 fertilized, and we are definitely on track for a 5 day transfer. Thank goodness! Last night I asked C how he felt about this cycle. I guess I was fishing for a little optimism, because I surely don't have any. It's not that I don't think this will work, I'm hopeful that it will. I just know that a positive beta, even multiple doubling betas, even a heartbeat, doesn't mean that we will have a baby. If we do get pregnant, I wonder at what point I will be able to reassured....probably not until a baby is in my arms.

Right now we have a great distraction, to keep us from focusing all on baby stuff. We are going to Disney the week after Thanksgiving. We have made our reservations, and yesterday I spent the day planning some of our Disney excursions. Z is going to have a princess makeover, complete with hairdo, princess dress, tiara and shoes. We will also be there for an afterhours Christmas Party/parade. I think I just might be as excited as Z...if that is possible. I'm at work for the weekend, which will also be a distraction from obsessing about ET.

Bollocks!

Just wrote my ER story....hit a wrong button and lost it all....so I will try again tomorrow. I will leave you with this: 11 eggs, 9 fertilized, 5dt planned for Monday.