We had our first appointment with the actual RE today. Silly me thought that by seeing a woman doctor, I may get some of the warm fuzzies that I have been absent from my providers during this very long process. I will now refer to her as Dr. Professor. Both C and I felt like we were back in a college lecture and that we should be taking notes for a pop quiz somewhere down the road. Everything was very technical - as it needs to be I guess - lots of statistics and a step by clinical step explanation of IVF from suppression to stims to transfer. I have been doing lots of research and of course keeping up with blogs the best I can. C on the other hand left with his head in a bit of a spin. A lot of the information was review for me, but I did learn some very interesting things about ICSI. The only thing that I wasn't crazy about was that she always gave me statistics for the 40 year old age group.....I've got another year before I'm in that category. Ok, so maybe I'm a little sensitive.
The warm fuzzies finally came from the IVF nurse....let's see, let's call her Nurse Bubbly. She was awesome. We laughed and joked. She was a nurse for 21 years in the department where I will be starting in January, so I think there was a little sense of kindred spirits happening. The plan is for me to call Nurse Bubbly in February and we will schedule b/w and ultrasound (complete with a mock transfer) in March. Then we will start suppression with my April cycle and hopefully be looking at May for retrieval and transfer. At least that will give me a little time at the job to feel out if I will be able to take an hour out of my day to go for ultrasounds, etc. I don't like starting a new job and already anticipating taking time off.
I risked asking the question "Is there anything that I can do to improve my fertility?" Dr. Professor looked at me ever so briefly, then before she could answer I said "I need to lose weight don't I?" The response was a definite yes. Even though this blog is pretty anonymous, I still cannot bring myself to reveal my weight...let's just say that 15 pounds would be good start, more would be better. Both C and I have struggled with our weight for so many years. The good news is that even before this appointment, we have been taking steps to modify our diet and exercise. When we got to the car we agreed to go "hard core" in the diet department. If you raided my lunch box tonight, you would see carrots, celery, turkey sandwich, an apple, an orange and a yogurt....and yes I am already hungry.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Bored
Well, it's 2:30 am, we have no one in labor....so I blog.
Thanksgiving was awesome, but as always it went by way too fast. Both C and I were illin' with a nasty cold, so we didn't partake in the traditional trek through the woods. We ate a lot, but not too much. We played lots of Wii video games. I'm not a big "gamer" like my hubby, but getting the family together around a Wii is a riot. My 67 year old mother loves to play - especially baseball. We gave Z a controller but took out the batteries so she felt like she was a part of the action. My favorite part of the holiday though, was watching my daughter fall asleep on my father's chest. Five years ago he was diagnosed with melanoma that had spread to lymph nodes and an concurrent primary kidney cancer. The prognosis initially was bleak. He did things to insure that my mom would be taken care of should the unimaginable happen. He talked of regret in his life - in which he had only one - that he would not be around to see my children. Fast forward to today and he is healthy and vibrant and cancer free. Whenever I observe a tender moment between him and my daughter I fight back tears.
My mother broke the news that my cousin and his wife are expecting twins via IVF. I am not particularly close with that side of the family. He did come to our little family reunion that we had back in September, but before that I don't think that I have seen my cousin since our wedding (6 years ago), and he only lives one and half hours away. I keep thinking about how he continues to smoke when his mother has emphysema and requires supplemental oxygen 24 hours a day. His wife was also smoking at the reunion so I am curious what the her RE thinks about that. I pressed my mom for some details of why they needed IVF, but she didn't know. All she knew was that when they got married 2 years ago they wanted to have children right away, but that obviously didn't happen. I am contemplating getting their contact info. She would be my only connection IRL that has gone through this process, but she is only a little less than a stranger to me. I also had a brief moment of anxiety about the tone in which my mother told me they were having twins...almost like a warning. Sometimes I think that my mother feels it would be worse to have twins than not to have another child. C gently pointed out that my micro-analysis of my mother's intentions were unwarranted. My mother may have concerns, but she does not possess a mean bone in her body. If anything there is ignorance in her comments, but never malice.
Thanksgiving was awesome, but as always it went by way too fast. Both C and I were illin' with a nasty cold, so we didn't partake in the traditional trek through the woods. We ate a lot, but not too much. We played lots of Wii video games. I'm not a big "gamer" like my hubby, but getting the family together around a Wii is a riot. My 67 year old mother loves to play - especially baseball. We gave Z a controller but took out the batteries so she felt like she was a part of the action. My favorite part of the holiday though, was watching my daughter fall asleep on my father's chest. Five years ago he was diagnosed with melanoma that had spread to lymph nodes and an concurrent primary kidney cancer. The prognosis initially was bleak. He did things to insure that my mom would be taken care of should the unimaginable happen. He talked of regret in his life - in which he had only one - that he would not be around to see my children. Fast forward to today and he is healthy and vibrant and cancer free. Whenever I observe a tender moment between him and my daughter I fight back tears.
My mother broke the news that my cousin and his wife are expecting twins via IVF. I am not particularly close with that side of the family. He did come to our little family reunion that we had back in September, but before that I don't think that I have seen my cousin since our wedding (6 years ago), and he only lives one and half hours away. I keep thinking about how he continues to smoke when his mother has emphysema and requires supplemental oxygen 24 hours a day. His wife was also smoking at the reunion so I am curious what the her RE thinks about that. I pressed my mom for some details of why they needed IVF, but she didn't know. All she knew was that when they got married 2 years ago they wanted to have children right away, but that obviously didn't happen. I am contemplating getting their contact info. She would be my only connection IRL that has gone through this process, but she is only a little less than a stranger to me. I also had a brief moment of anxiety about the tone in which my mother told me they were having twins...almost like a warning. Sometimes I think that my mother feels it would be worse to have twins than not to have another child. C gently pointed out that my micro-analysis of my mother's intentions were unwarranted. My mother may have concerns, but she does not possess a mean bone in her body. If anything there is ignorance in her comments, but never malice.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Cry baby
Yep, that's me. I really need to stop with all the crying when telling people that I have resigned. The crazy thing is that I am upset, and they are thrilled (not that I'm leaving, but that I will have the chance to do IVF). The support has been amazing.....except......
I made the announcement of my resignation at the end of staff meeting the other day. Then I answered a bunch of questions about the IVF plan. Cue the anecdotes and dreaded comments:
"I have a friend who decided to adopt then found out they were pregnant"
"Now that you've made the decision to change jobs, that is when you will get pregnant"
"What if you get pregnant before January, will you still leave?"
"Since you'll be working days, you'll get pregnant on your own"
"You just need to forget about it, that's when it will happen"
and my personal favorite "It will happen if it's meant to be"
STOP! I know that every person was well intentioned, so why do those comments sting so much? Maybe it is because they trivialize my plight. Giving advice for something that they know NOTHING about is not helpful.
I'm trying to be a better blogger....commenting more, lurking less. Family comes tomorrow for a few days. The house is finally clean, pantry is full of groceries, the Wii is hooked up and ready for play, guest beds all made up, now all I need is a couple hours of sleep then the mayhem that is Thanksgiving can begin. We are going to have another "White Thanksgiving" this year. There is already a couple of inches of snow on the ground, and we should be getting more.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, may you enjoy a tryptophan induced nap!
I made the announcement of my resignation at the end of staff meeting the other day. Then I answered a bunch of questions about the IVF plan. Cue the anecdotes and dreaded comments:
"I have a friend who decided to adopt then found out they were pregnant"
"Now that you've made the decision to change jobs, that is when you will get pregnant"
"What if you get pregnant before January, will you still leave?"
"Since you'll be working days, you'll get pregnant on your own"
"You just need to forget about it, that's when it will happen"
and my personal favorite "It will happen if it's meant to be"
STOP! I know that every person was well intentioned, so why do those comments sting so much? Maybe it is because they trivialize my plight. Giving advice for something that they know NOTHING about is not helpful.
I'm trying to be a better blogger....commenting more, lurking less. Family comes tomorrow for a few days. The house is finally clean, pantry is full of groceries, the Wii is hooked up and ready for play, guest beds all made up, now all I need is a couple hours of sleep then the mayhem that is Thanksgiving can begin. We are going to have another "White Thanksgiving" this year. There is already a couple of inches of snow on the ground, and we should be getting more.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, may you enjoy a tryptophan induced nap!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Reality
Well, it's official. My last day at my current job will be January 9th. Orientation starts on January 21st. What am I going to do with all this time off? I think that I may go to a yoga retreat (Kripalu) and go to a knitting weekend of all things (and yes, those are one and the same). Kriapula has amazing workshops - my first thought was to attend one on letting go of "fear", but then I saw this knitting workshop: 3 days for experienced knitters and lecturer is (drum roll please) Karen Allen......of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" fame....c'mon you know who I'm talking about. Apparently the actress thing got boring and now she has a knitting book and goes around the country doing knitting seminars/workshops. So fear be damned.....I'm gonna learn inartisa knitting! I would love to go with a friend, but my friends who knit don't do yoga and vice versa.
I'm trying not to think too hard about how far away IVF #1 seems (5 1/2 months). We have an appointment with the RE on November 28th. They have scheduled it to be one hour long, so hopefully we will come away with a bit of plan and an idea of how much the meds are going to cost. I believe that they have done all the testing for me that they are going to do, so I'm hoping that I will even have a protocol so I can start doing some research. In the meantime we are "trying" this month on our own. I have only a vague idea of what cd it is. This weekend C asked me what kind of "schedule" we were on....of course the most fertile days are going to be the day the whole family arrives through when they leave....of course. But my response to the schedule question was that I am not going to get wound up about it this month....or maybe even next. The family is coming here for Thanksgiving, so that is the last thing on my mind right now. My brain is full of thoughts of vacuuming and cleaning toilets.
The reality of leaving this job is hitting me in little jabs. The other day I was at a committee meeting and the group leader was asking for someone to volunteer for a project. It was something that I normally would jump at doing, but I know I wouldn't be there to see it through, so I sat there silent- which is not like me at all. My OB is part of this committee, I had not told him my decision yet. He has actually been left out of the loop because I didn't really trust him not to spill the beans at work. So I said "I need to tell you something". He says "Let me guess you are leaving and going to work at ****Hospital so you can have IVF".
What the *#%$?
Apparently my primary care doctor and my OB were at a seminar about infertility and my primary care doc spoke up and said that she had a patient that was changing jobs specifically so she could have insurance coverage for IVF....didn't mention any names....that was all she said. But my OB knew that she was talking about me.....have I mentioned that I currently work for a VERY small hospital.
Anyway, so after I hit the "publish post" button. I will be working on my resignation letter, which I need to turn in today. Then comes that task of starting to tell people that I am leaving. I have never given this much notice...almost 2 months. I know that I should tell co-workers sooner than later. I had said right from the beginning that I would definitely tell people the reason I am leaving, but now I am not so sure.
I'm trying not to think too hard about how far away IVF #1 seems (5 1/2 months). We have an appointment with the RE on November 28th. They have scheduled it to be one hour long, so hopefully we will come away with a bit of plan and an idea of how much the meds are going to cost. I believe that they have done all the testing for me that they are going to do, so I'm hoping that I will even have a protocol so I can start doing some research. In the meantime we are "trying" this month on our own. I have only a vague idea of what cd it is. This weekend C asked me what kind of "schedule" we were on....of course the most fertile days are going to be the day the whole family arrives through when they leave....of course. But my response to the schedule question was that I am not going to get wound up about it this month....or maybe even next. The family is coming here for Thanksgiving, so that is the last thing on my mind right now. My brain is full of thoughts of vacuuming and cleaning toilets.
The reality of leaving this job is hitting me in little jabs. The other day I was at a committee meeting and the group leader was asking for someone to volunteer for a project. It was something that I normally would jump at doing, but I know I wouldn't be there to see it through, so I sat there silent- which is not like me at all. My OB is part of this committee, I had not told him my decision yet. He has actually been left out of the loop because I didn't really trust him not to spill the beans at work. So I said "I need to tell you something". He says "Let me guess you are leaving and going to work at ****Hospital so you can have IVF".
What the *#%$?
Apparently my primary care doctor and my OB were at a seminar about infertility and my primary care doc spoke up and said that she had a patient that was changing jobs specifically so she could have insurance coverage for IVF....didn't mention any names....that was all she said. But my OB knew that she was talking about me.....have I mentioned that I currently work for a VERY small hospital.
Anyway, so after I hit the "publish post" button. I will be working on my resignation letter, which I need to turn in today. Then comes that task of starting to tell people that I am leaving. I have never given this much notice...almost 2 months. I know that I should tell co-workers sooner than later. I had said right from the beginning that I would definitely tell people the reason I am leaving, but now I am not so sure.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Job Offer
And so it begins....a new paragraph for my resume. I was offered the job on Tuesday. I actually have not officially accepted. I am waiting for some answers to a couple of questions that are not deal breakers by any means, but I just want clarification on. Orientation starts on January 21 and I plan on at least ten days between jobs. I have had a couple of people ask "Are you excited about the new job?" The answer is complicated. I am nervous about the new job. I guess I would be more excited if the job was actually what attracted me to the new hospital, but it wasn't....it was the insurance coverage. I'm sure that I will like it, I have heard only good things....but it really doesn't matter if I like it....the job will help us grow our family and ultimately that is what is most important to me.
When I came to work tonight there was an email about the benefits fair for the up coming year. As I will only be around for 11 days in the New Year - do I go? I guess I should, if nothing else to discontinue the dependent care and medical spending accounts through my current job.
*as I am doing spellcheck for this post, and nothing needs to be changed, I realize it is because I have not used IF abbreviations or obscure medical terms like adenomyosis....it's a post that anyone can read and actually understand! that doesn't happen very often.
When I came to work tonight there was an email about the benefits fair for the up coming year. As I will only be around for 11 days in the New Year - do I go? I guess I should, if nothing else to discontinue the dependent care and medical spending accounts through my current job.
*as I am doing spellcheck for this post, and nothing needs to be changed, I realize it is because I have not used IF abbreviations or obscure medical terms like adenomyosis....it's a post that anyone can read and actually understand! that doesn't happen very often.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
cd 3
Welcome to cd3. Isn't this crazy, but I have forgotten off the top of my head if this is my first or second month off of clomid. When did I do that clomid challenge....last month? After being so obsessive about charting for so long, I feel a bit out of control not having the statistics of my cycle as my first and most persistent thought throughout the day. Anyway, so far it has been an exciting cycle....warning....graphic AF description coming. It's red....really red and pretty heavy. Never thought I would be jumping for joy over a heavy period. But, considering for months now AF has lasted only a couple of days and has been almost black....my thought is that my lining is starting to rebound from all the months of clomid (10 cycles since fall of last year). So, what comes with this excitement? hope. There, I said it. There is a piece of me that thinks that clomid was more evil than good, and now that AF is back to normal and I am more "relaxed" (yes, I know, I said the "r" word) especially since I am likely going to take this new job, that there is hope that we can still do this the natural way. Don't worry, the excitement and hope won't stick around for long, I'm sure, but I'm going to embrace them while they are here - rather than escorting them to the door.
I have an appointment to talk with my boss on Monday morning re: new job opportunity. I know that she will understand, but it is going to be a difficult conversation. We are already short staffed, with little hope of finding experienced nurses for the holes in the schedule that we already have. I have a strong sense of loyalty to this department and I hate the idea of leaving them in a time of need.....but I have to put my family first.
I have an appointment to talk with my boss on Monday morning re: new job opportunity. I know that she will understand, but it is going to be a difficult conversation. We are already short staffed, with little hope of finding experienced nurses for the holes in the schedule that we already have. I have a strong sense of loyalty to this department and I hate the idea of leaving them in a time of need.....but I have to put my family first.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Pr.os and C.ons
Ever wish someone would just tell you what is the right thing to do? I had my interview with the department manager Wednesday. I feel like this should be a black or white decision, and instead I find myself in a fog of gray. The department itself is very nice, and the people seem very nice. Let's look at some pro.s and co.ns of each job shall we?
Teeny Tiny Hospital (current)
2 nurses each shift
No LNAs
no unit secretary
no 24 pharmacy/housekeeping
200 births per year
little high risk experience
I'm comfortable in my position
25 minute commute
A lot of autonomy
Scheduling nightmares because of such a small staff
If the sh*t hits the fan, there is little to no back up
Night shift means that I see my daughter every day....even if it just getting her ready for pre-school, but night shift also means that I sleep on my "day off"
Night shift= more money, but I'm tired ALL THE TIME
NO IVF coverage
Big Scary Hospital
7-9 nurses each shift
3-4 LNAs each shift
2 unit secretaries
24 hour everything (read: I wouldn't have to mop the floors after deliveries)
1000 births per year
55% of births are high risk (read: I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing...of course there would be orientation)
1 hour commute
Because this is a teaching hospital, I would lose a lot of the autonomy that I am used to
With a push of a button (literally) the neonatalogy team arrives to assist in a delivery
Self scheduling, and although there is a weekend commitment, it is flexible
Day shift means that on the days that I work, I would not see my daughter (leave at 5:30am, come home at about 8:30 pm), but my days off would not be spent sleeping
Only day shift is available = less money, but I would have a human-like schedule
IVF covered up to $35,000
The last two items are what are giving me a headache. I keep going back to the fact that if it wasn't for IVF, I wouldn't even be looking at this new job......but now that I have, it seems like I shouldn't pass it up. However, we are already strapped for money so what is a little less money coming in and more money going out (on gas, wear and tear on the car, daycare) going to do to our budget.
*UPDATE*
I actually thought that I tanked a few of the questions during the interview, but I have already gotten a call from HR saying that my interview went "very well" and they want to move forward to checking references. I am expecting them to offer the job next week. After MUCH thought and MUCH talking with friends, family and therapist....it is foolish for me not to take the job. I discovered while I was making the above lists, that it is not the job that I am worried about, it is the IVF. This will be our last chance, and we will probably only get 3 cycles at the most. I am worried about not just failed cycles, but a miscarriage, being put on bed rest, and multiple gestation. We are coming to the finish line of this journey and that scares the crap out of me. Our options are diminishing rapidly. When I was on clomid there was always IUIs, while doing IUIs there was always the option of IVF. Now if IVF fails, my next step is likely a hysterectomy because of the adenomyosis pain. You can't get more definitive than that on closing the door to another biological child. I just don't think that I could live without regret if we don't at least try IVF.
Next stop on the infertility train: coping with my fears.
Teeny Tiny Hospital (current)
2 nurses each shift
No LNAs
no unit secretary
no 24 pharmacy/housekeeping
200 births per year
little high risk experience
I'm comfortable in my position
25 minute commute
A lot of autonomy
Scheduling nightmares because of such a small staff
If the sh*t hits the fan, there is little to no back up
Night shift means that I see my daughter every day....even if it just getting her ready for pre-school, but night shift also means that I sleep on my "day off"
Night shift= more money, but I'm tired ALL THE TIME
NO IVF coverage
Big Scary Hospital
7-9 nurses each shift
3-4 LNAs each shift
2 unit secretaries
24 hour everything (read: I wouldn't have to mop the floors after deliveries)
1000 births per year
55% of births are high risk (read: I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing...of course there would be orientation)
1 hour commute
Because this is a teaching hospital, I would lose a lot of the autonomy that I am used to
With a push of a button (literally) the neonatalogy team arrives to assist in a delivery
Self scheduling, and although there is a weekend commitment, it is flexible
Day shift means that on the days that I work, I would not see my daughter (leave at 5:30am, come home at about 8:30 pm), but my days off would not be spent sleeping
Only day shift is available = less money, but I would have a human-like schedule
IVF covered up to $35,000
The last two items are what are giving me a headache. I keep going back to the fact that if it wasn't for IVF, I wouldn't even be looking at this new job......but now that I have, it seems like I shouldn't pass it up. However, we are already strapped for money so what is a little less money coming in and more money going out (on gas, wear and tear on the car, daycare) going to do to our budget.
*UPDATE*
I actually thought that I tanked a few of the questions during the interview, but I have already gotten a call from HR saying that my interview went "very well" and they want to move forward to checking references. I am expecting them to offer the job next week. After MUCH thought and MUCH talking with friends, family and therapist....it is foolish for me not to take the job. I discovered while I was making the above lists, that it is not the job that I am worried about, it is the IVF. This will be our last chance, and we will probably only get 3 cycles at the most. I am worried about not just failed cycles, but a miscarriage, being put on bed rest, and multiple gestation. We are coming to the finish line of this journey and that scares the crap out of me. Our options are diminishing rapidly. When I was on clomid there was always IUIs, while doing IUIs there was always the option of IVF. Now if IVF fails, my next step is likely a hysterectomy because of the adenomyosis pain. You can't get more definitive than that on closing the door to another biological child. I just don't think that I could live without regret if we don't at least try IVF.
Next stop on the infertility train: coping with my fears.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Hiatus
So I haven't been doing anything related to fertility this month....I mean, I don't even know what cd I'm on....couldn't tell you if I marked day one on my calendar for future reference even. It has been nice, sort of. The daily stress is not there which is absolutely freeing. But, I also feel like we are wasting precious time by not doing anything. Of course we are giving it the ol' college try the natural way, but I am less than optimistic that it will work that way. I originally had an appointment with the RE for Monday of this week, but I rescheduled. It seemed a little premature as I don't even know if I will be offered this new job. No new job = no IVF. I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse for once in my life. My interview is on Wednesday...not sure how long it will be before they make a decision.
So today I dusted off my keyboard. Sent out some long over due emails to friends that I have ignored in written correspondence (but never in thought). A dear friend of mine had a baby in May....MAY!! and I just got around to telling her congratulations today. Her email started with something like "I was wondering if I had the right email address for you". I didn't realize how much emotion I have been choking back until I started to write this email and explain what has been going on for the last several months. Tears came down my face as I typed the words IVF, new job and cancer. Although my unintentional hiatus seemed like a welcome change: no blogging, no checking blogs, no journaling, no tracking days or symptoms. In the process I feel like I have been absent from my own life.
So, I'm back.
I'm working out. I'm knitting. I'm connecting with friends. I'm listening to music that nourishes my heart. I'm carving out quiet time for my husband.
So today I dusted off my keyboard. Sent out some long over due emails to friends that I have ignored in written correspondence (but never in thought). A dear friend of mine had a baby in May....MAY!! and I just got around to telling her congratulations today. Her email started with something like "I was wondering if I had the right email address for you". I didn't realize how much emotion I have been choking back until I started to write this email and explain what has been going on for the last several months. Tears came down my face as I typed the words IVF, new job and cancer. Although my unintentional hiatus seemed like a welcome change: no blogging, no checking blogs, no journaling, no tracking days or symptoms. In the process I feel like I have been absent from my own life.
So, I'm back.
I'm working out. I'm knitting. I'm connecting with friends. I'm listening to music that nourishes my heart. I'm carving out quiet time for my husband.
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