Ectopic

So ultrasound today was interesting. I now have a new diagnosis of ectopic pregnancy...which had been whispered about early on with the way my betas went, but I certainly never really took it seriously (silly me) because I only have one tube. Although they did not see a heartbeat, and therefore cannot say with 100% certainty that is an embryo in the tube...even I could see the gestational and yolk sac. I thought this appointment was going to be a quick ultrasound then a prescription for the miso, it turned out to be much more involved. I was there for a total of about 3 1/2 hours. I had to have labs drawn and processed before they would even mix up the methotrexate. My beta went up (WTF?) since the last draw. I am now out from work until at least Monday, no folic acid or alcohol for me, and I cannot travel very far away from the hospital "just in case". Oh, and I asked for an antidepressant today.....

Betas betas everywhere

I don't think I mentioned what my beta was after my ultrasound. It was 1415 and that was pretty much the nail in the coffin...so to speak. I went out of town this weekend, mostly just to get my mind off of all the usual. We spent it with family, and although we did not talk directly about what was going on, it was very healing. Both my parents wrapped me up in a huge hug and simply said "we love you so much" and that was enough to lift up my soul. The only thing that was hard was that there was some chit chat about two of my cousins who have had twins via IVF in the last year and of course there was baby talk about them.

Unfortunately nothing has happened on the miscarriage front. I am at the point where I have mended (at least somewhat) on the emotional front and I just want to move on. My manager called this morning (not the same person that sent me the amazing email) and asked when I was coming back. Apparently there was a little miscommunication about my time off and they were expecting me there today. I was really hoping to go back by Thursday, but that doesn't look like that will happen. Since I have had no bleeding (only some very light and very small amount of spotting) they wanted me to repeat my beta today (it was 685) and follow up with an ultrasound tomorrow. Because of the slow rise of my betas they are concerned about a tubal pregnancy...what are the odds of the that, considering I only have one tube. Anyway, if they can rule out a tubal, and I still have not had a flow, then it looks like misoprostol for me.

I just want this chapter to be over. I have already started to calculate when I would likely cycle again...maybe fourth time will be a charm for me. Maybe we will switch things up a bit and do a 3dt. I'm sure they will also want to check an FSH with my next AF. In the meantime, I've got to get back on the exercise band wagon and focus on my diet...I have been doing nothing but emotional eating for the last few weeks...and it is starting to show.

The Silver Lining

The silver lining is that I have truly discovered that I have the most wonderful and compassionate boss EVER. I emailed her last night to give her the heads up on what was going on and that I would need some time off. I had planned on going into work today (I have burned up all of my earned time as of late, so any time I take off would be without pay) but taking the bulk of time off next week. This is her response to my email:

• I feel very sad for you. Your heart is breaking. Words won't comfort.
  I wish you could go to a place to be with women where they would surround you, and attend to you, and hold you, and let you be as raw as you need to be. We would do that here if we could, but we can't, or we can, but only intermittently, moments instead of hours. I fear the reality of what is going on in the external environment will crash into what is going on internally; physically, emotionally, and spiritually for you. I don't want where you are and what you are called to do to create more pain for you in this process. I think you should take care of yourself and think about being away from here now, not next week, but now. This may not be the best place for you to be, in fact, it may be harmful to your vulnerable heart. You are brave. You are strong, but perhaps not that strong. Who could be?
  I trust you to make the decisions that best serve you. I will honor whatever you decide is best and right for you. You are a wonderful nurse, and we appreciate your work here- but not if comes at too great a cost to you. If on the other hand, you will find solace in the rythym of the work, the never-ending cycle, the company of women engaged in carinig for women- then of course, you should come. Only you know.
  I am so very sorry. all my best to you. k

She ended up calling me later in the evening to "warn" me about a fellow co-worker who just announced her pregnancy and people have been talking about it. She didn't want me to walk in and be surprised by this news. In the end, I decided to take today off. I didn't sleep more than about 3 hours last night and yesterday I hurt my back and have not really been able to stand up straight. As it turns out I believe it was a good idea all around, shortly after I woke up I noticed the faintest of spotting, so I think that this pregnancy is declaring itself on its own. I took the progesterone last night, and originally had planned on taking it again today and repeat one more beta tomorrow, but now I truly feel like this is the end. I checked my work email this morning and this is another email from the clinical educator, not really a supervisor, but she has known pretty much every step of my journey.

• I'm so sorry for your loss. While I want to see you and hold you and cry with you, you can know my heart and thoughts are with you now and through the day. I'm glad you chose to stay home where you have more contol over your environment. Please let us know if we can do anything for you. Thank you for letting me journey with you.

I couldn't ask to have a more supportive work environment, I am blessed in that regard. So now I guess I just wait. We are planning on going out of town this weekend, it is my niece's birthday and we have been organizing this for quite some time. I'll call this the clinic this morning to see if there is any reason I shouldn't go. My family knows what is happening and they will all be supportive if I need time just to hang out in the corner. I'll have the next 3 days to myself and any longer than that and I may go batty.

Nothin' good

Today's ultrasound was dismal, although we are not totally out of the game...yet. Gestational sac was seen, but no yolk sac. The gestational sac was not "plump", so the RE said she was not optimistic about the outcome. Of course there is still that miserable thin shred of possibility that things could turn around next week, so for the moment we are hanging on. I got the oh too familiar "I'm so sorry" hugs on our way out of the ultrasound room. It appears that although this cycle is not officially over, hope is gone from a medical stand point. We head over to the conference room to have a little more in depth conversation with the RE now that I am clothed and without a probe up my chickie. She is on vacation next week so she will not be able to follow up personally with me and she wanted to go over some possible scenarios. She is amazing. First off she asked who I wanted to have the appointment with in her absence, which I thought was very sensitive. Then we got down to brass tacks. If this is indeed a nonviable pregnancy, then she doesn't feel like I need to have a D&C, especially given how small the gestational sac is, so the next step could possibly include misoprostol to induce miscarrying the "products of conception". Anyone have any experience they would like to share here? Is this painful? Is it awful? I'm anticipating needing to miss a day's work or so.

I guess I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself, but this is where I feel we are heading. I am also trying to wrap my head around doing another cycle. Because of my age I have always felt like I need to press full steam ahead...I'm not getting any younger after all. The RE did say that she would be ok with a 2 month break for me, but not 6. Maybe that would be just enough time to feel a little more normal, a little less hormonal and perhaps, dare I say it, a little more in shape.

In the mean time, another beta tomorrow. If has plateaued or dropped, then that indicates things are going south. If it continues to rise, then it could mean continued growth of placental tissue, but not embryonic...so that really doesn't mean anything.

I'm working really hard at trying to not feel anything. I don't want to give up totally, but I don't want to have false hope either. I wish I could just find a state of numbness and stay there for at least a week or so. Boy, do I want a drink!!

More Beta news

I'm not even sure where to start. Yesterday would have been my due date from IVF#1/miscarriage. I was sad, and funky, but was relieved to have some good news with my last beta and a smidgen of hope.

Today I was called in to work and I thought "well, this will be good, I will work today and all weekend and it will keep my mind off the impending ultrasound on Monday". I've been having some pregnancy symptoms and was expecting to have a nice jump today. The nurse on Wednesday said she was hoping the beta would be in the 1,000 range. Today's beta is...drum roll please.....874. Fuck! Now it has done it's 66% rise in 48, so officially things are still okay. But the nurse also said that for as far along as I am, 23dpo, she would expect the number to be higher. And then....I lost it. I went into 3 separate fits of uncontrollable crying while trying to hide myself away from my co-workers. I'm getting the double whammy of reliving the miscarriage as well as this freakin' back and forth with the betas. I am trying to hang on to the idea that 1/3 of women don't have a typical rises in their betas, and I now wonder what happens to the betas to those fertiles that don't have all of this lab work. I don't think I ever had a beta with Z.

Anyway, I was able to leave work...well I HAD to leave work, they really didn't have a choice. I would have been circulating and recovering a c-section which means I would have been one on one with this cute little fertile intact family. The idea of having to handle the baby was enough to send me into a small panic attack. So here I am at home, trying to find some sanity so that I can go back in to work tomorrow....and the next day, and not lose my ever lovin' mind.

Just a quick post...beta yesterday was 503, which more than doubled. Still extremely cautious, but feeling a little less insane. One more beta tomorrow, then ultrasound on Monday.

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I'm so behind on my commenting....part of my grand effort to keep myself out of the house and very busy so I don't have time to mope. I've also been on call for the last couple of weeks, which is good money, but lots of extra time at work. I'll catch up soon.

the pain of waiting *update*

Trying my damnedest to live one day at a time. Last beta (on Wed) was 62. Of course I looked this up myself, so I didn't have he benefit of the IVF nurse to ask questions right away. During my last positive cycle my second beta was 97...so I panicked. After fretting about it for awhile, I decided to call the nurse. She was pleased with the number. She said they were looking for it to go up by 66% and since mine more than doubled, it was up by over 100%. I've had some pretty intense cramping the last couple of days which is freaking me out. I've been obsessed with my b.oobs, I can't tell if I am getting used to them or if they have deflated. It is an effort not to feel myself up at work to check 'em out.

I'm about to leave the house for beta #3. Unfortunately I have to have this lab work done at the local hospital, so I won't be able to look up my results...I'll have to do this the old fashioned way and wait for the nurse to call me! I'll post an update when I have it.

*update*
Isn't it amazing how one little phone call can send you into a tailspin? Beta #3 was 80...not good. They wanted it to be over 102. The nurse said "don't lose all hope"...I'm not sure that is possible. She said she has seen all sorts of different things happen with the numbers, but I am not optimistic. I am to continue with my progesterone and next beta will be on Monday. I'm devastated....can't stop crying. I just don't know if I can do this all over again.

Did you miss me?

Did you know I was gone? In a grand effort to force the time between transfer and beta to go much much faster, I have stayed away from blogs. I went to my brother's for a short visit, cleaned out the closets in my house...you know just stuff to keep my mind from racing.

So here is a recap: We did a 5dt of 2 blasts. Everyone said it was a great report. After 10 out of 10 eggs fertilized, one arrested and one fragmented. So going into the the transfer there were 6 still growing for potential freeze. 2 actually made it freeze. So overall I feel like this was a good "batch". After looking up the grade of blasts that they transferred (one was a 4BB and the other was a 1BB), I decided that they are just middle of the road quality blasts. Wish there was an "A" in there somewhere, but I am 40 after all. We now have 4 total in the freezer. Although according to the nurse practitioner, we should do as many fresh cycles while I'm on the younger side vs an FET...but lets jump off that bridge when we get there.

My beta was yesterday. I had a good idea of what the result was going to be before I did the test. I've had some heartburn, my boobs are huge and sore......my beta was 29! My clinic does a very early beta at 7dp5dt so the number doesn't sound great compared to the initial betas I see on other blogs, but it is a BFP and I'll take it!! They are supposed to freeze this 1st specimen and not run it until the second one is drawn 2 days later so they can evaluate doubling time...but this lab always runs it the same day. Because my beta is so early, I don't usually have to fight the urge to POAS, but I do cheat a little and look up my results in the computer before my clinic calls. By the time the IVF nurse calls to congratulate me, I've already called C and told him the news. Last night I did contemplate POAS, just so I could see the lines...how crazy is that?

I am taking this one step at a time. I am happy, but not ecstatic. I am hopeful, but realistic. I am trying desperately not to look too far ahead, but yesterday I had a little daydream about my daughter (who will be 5 this summer) rubbing my belly and feeling the baby move.

My next challenge is to stay in the moment, and only look as far ahead as the next test. Fortunately at this stage of the game, the next step is usually only at the most a week away. My next beta is tomorrow.

10/10

So maybe they are a perfect 10....ALL ten fertilized. I'm amazed! If all stays on track we will be doing a 5dt on Monday. Keeping everything I've got crossed!

A perfect 10

Well.....at least I'm hoping so. Honestly it doesn't feel so perfect. 10 eggs retrieved today. I thought it would be more. I felt more bloated during this cycle than previous, I had more antral follicles than before....but I only need one right? I shouldn't complain, I know there are so many out there with cancelled cycles due to poor response...it just isn't what I was preparing myself for. I'm starting to mentally prepare for a 3dt. I guess we'll know tomorrow after the fert report.

In most excellent news, I had my A team there with me this morning. Dr. J, my kind and sweet anesthesiologist was there and gave me some really good stuff. IV was established on the first attempt, no problem with specimen collection from C, and I didn't bleed internally...all in all it was a good day. I was only a little woozy when I initially got up to go, and decided to not rush things and have some crackers and a nap before I left. We were home by about noon and I slept most of the day. So now I am wide awake....yet tired. My bed is calling me so this will be pretty short.

I got thinking about the "meant to be comment" by my co-worker. First off, I do believe that things work out the way they need to. Ultimately things are not in our hands, although I also believe that our destiny is dependent on our actions....a pretty paradoxical thought. I don't think that I can get pregnant without a lot of help, so to say "it wasn't meant to be" doesn't mean that I can't do something about it. If this does not work for me, and as we are now 1/2 way through what our insurance will pay for, I have to start accepting that that could very well be my reality...anyway if it does not work, I am confident that years from now I will look back and feel that there is some good that has come from it. At this point and time I cannot fathom what that good might be. Now, that said, hearing someone who has ABSOLUTELY ZERO understanding of what IVF treatment entails, and I don't think that it is possible to have that understanding until you have lived it....doesn't count if you have a friend, sister, cousin or co-worker going through it...then saying something like "it wasn't meant to be" is down right hurtful. It is easy for that person to say it, because it doesn't apply to them. "It wasn't meant to be" is not comforting for a moment because it opens up the whole new can of worms "why not?" Is it because of the street drugs I experimented with in college? Is it because I had an elective termination at 20 because I was date raped? And if not those things.....then WHY?!!! I think there should be a ban on "it wasn't meant to be", it just plain doesn't work for anyone who is grieving. I know I'm not saying anything new....but I was finally able to put a finger on why that phrase irritates me so much.

So, I'm mustering up some good thoughts for those little embies that are dividing away, all the way in another state no less. I'm starting to feel more hopeful and less desperate (although I know this post probably doesn't sound like it). I think part of it is getting off those freakin' stims....next up twice daily proges.terone suppositories!!! I treat my rectum to one every once and a while, so it doesn't get jealous of my va-gagay.

Praying for incident free retrieval

Let's see if I can sum up my life in about 10 minutes...'cuz I gotta get to bed. I've just take some a.tivan...so who knows how this will all turn out.

Retrieval is tomorrow AM. We will leave the house at 6:30, hopefully be in the waiting room at 8:00, assist C with specimen production (see "the incident"), procedure at 9:00, home hopefully before dinner time (see the second "incident").

I'm incredibly anxious (note the earlier mention to a.tivan). I have been a raving BEOTCH for the last couple of days. Yesterday it came to a head and I was ready to rip the head off anyone who dared say the wrong thing to me....although who knows what that wrong thing could be....it could've been "hello, you look nice today". All of this was precipitated by my ride home with my co-worker who started off telling me about her SIL who is 31 weeks pg with twins via IVF. She started saying things like "I think IVF is such a miracle, and it's amazing what women will do to have a baby, I admire them...blah, blah, blah" Right as I was about to open my mouth and spill my beans, she keeps going on to say "But then I think maybe these women were just not mean to have kids". At this point I have closed my gaping mouth and tried to figure out a cool way to change the subject. Maybe driving us off the road will be subtle enough. I've read so many blogs that blame l.upron for wicked moods....but it is the tail end of my stims that make me insane. I was essentially on the same protocol as the last 2 cycles, but the last couple of days I've taken both AM and PM meds, usually it is only one or the other. My therapist that I saw today said that she would rather deal with clients that are on heroine or cocaine versus us juiced up on hormones. Physically I feel terrible, I'm so bloated. I've gained 5 pounds this week and I swear I can feel every ounce with each step. I almost called out sick yesterday, but thought "I'll be fine as long as I don't have to break out into a run". Well....guess what happened....we had 2 STAT c-sections going on at the same time and I had to run all over the unit.

I'm not going to turn this purely into a bitch session....mostly because I feel like I wouldn't know when to stop. The good news is that the a.tivan seems to be kicking in. I've had several conversations and emails with my anesthesiologist friend who will definitely be there tomorrow. He has been so attentive and is determined to make my sedation top notch. It's funny because he is not so much a friend as a very friendly colleague...but in his last email he signed it "Sweet dreams and happy thoughts"....less collegial, more friendly....and incredibly sweet. I feel like I am in good hands tomorrow. My favorite nurse should be there, they all know that either the IV team or anesthesia will be starting my IV, my favorite RE is doing the harvest and of course my anesthesia buddy (and his supervisor....a BIG head honcho in the department). I don't know that I am feeling that nice little hopeful feeling, but rather desperate. I find myself thinking "this HAS to work". Last night, amidst the sobs I thought "I don't have the strength to do this again". Will revisit that when I am a safe distance away from the hormones.

Wednesday

I'm a go for Wednesday! 9:00 am. I was hoping for ER on either Monday or Tuesday....but so far this cycle is following exactly like the two previous. I have one lead follicle at 19mm that they are going to let go by so the more plentiful smaller ones will come forward. They measured 16 follicles today....which I believe is more than prior cycles. I'm feeling every bit of them, last night C gave me a big hug and I had to tell him to back off a little. I'm NOT looking forward to working 2 more 12 hour shifts. It has been very busy on our unit lately and there is not any signs of stopping. So not only will it be long days, but they will be very hectic as well.

I've been pretty crabby these last couple of days and today is no exception. I've worked the last two days, I have today off - but had to make the 2 1/2 hour round trip to the clinic for b/w and u/s and C has invited my in-laws down for dinner tonight and the house is a disaster and I have to do major laundry in order to have scrubs to wear to work. I have to go to bed early tonight because we are getting more snow tonight and I might have to get up as early as 4:00am tomorrow to go to work. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all that has to get done. I'm trying to let it go and just chillax, but I'm the type that can't kick back until the house shows some resemblance of order...oh did I mention that C went off to work and is not sure when he is coming home....possibly just in time for the dinner that I am apparently making for his parents. Yep, that pretty much sums it all up....cue the video:

Okay, I'm done griping....guess I better get crackin'!!

Yesterday I enlisted a fellow nurse to do my AM shot. I've tried to give myself my own IM injection during my first cycle, but it just felt so wrong holding that 22 gauge 1 1/2 inch needle above my thigh. I applaud all of you out there that can do their own IM injections!! Maybe it is an occupational hazard. Whenever I am starting an IV or giving an injection and my patient says "I hate needles". I usually respond "I don't mind them as long as I am on this end of the syringe." I've talked about how much I don't like being on the receiving end of needle for so long, even if I was joking, I think I have said it too much that it is now true. Anyway, I would have thought that the injection my co-worker would be doing would be less painul than my amateur husband...not so much. Maybe it was because it took 10 minutes for us find an inconspicuous room that was far away from the nurses' station (so it didn't look suspicious that we were walking into an empty room then shutting the door), or maybe it was because I was standing rather than laying down....and a little tense that someone would walk in. Whatever the reason, kudos to C for doing such a wonderful job.

I also talked to my favorite anesthesia resident yesterday. They rotate services every 4 weeks, and he is back on the OB rotation, which means he also does ERs. He was so awesome and attentive about what my needs would be. I told him about my IV nightmares, and he seemed open to giving me something for anxiety before the whole process...yeah. Unfortunately, I got an email from him this morning saying that there are 4 days this month when he will be on the cardiac unit....and the day that I am anticipating my ER to be, is one of those days. My second option in anesthesia docs is a good fall back, I was just hoping to be able to hand pick who would be in on my case.

I've gained 3 pounds. Not sure if it is stims, or all the CRAP I've been eating!! I had absolutely no control over my eating over the holidays and did zero exercise....I feel like a blob. I am such an emotional eater, and it wasn't until our company left that I realized that I was still shoveling food in my mouth. Yesterday I finally had the epiphany that it was because I'm stressed.

Z has been on another baby kick. Every couple of months she will start asking all sorts of baby questions. She will tell me how much she wants a sister, asks how do babies come out of mommies tummy (incidentally she decided that they come out of your mouth, and was then asking me to open my mouth as wide as I could. Z's BFF asked her mom the same question recently. She opted to be anatomically correct....this resulted in her daughter wanting to make a snow-woman complete with b.reasts and a va.gina. I think I will go with the mouth theory for the time being). She has also if she could name "the baby" Susannah. When I ask "What baby?" she says "the one in your tummy". *sigh*

I've decided that I'm going to start posting some more pictures...I love seeing pictures on other people's blog...so here it goes.

Annual Christmas or Thanksgiving Pre-hike photo of my family

(it was 12 degrees with the wind chill)

My latest obesession- cake decorating....

this was a cake for my brother's birthday (he's a hockey referee)

Hope

So I'm reading a lot of New Year's blogs...reflections of this last year and expectations/hopes for this one coming. For a brief moment I think "I should do that too". Except, I don't feel like looking back, and I'm afraid to look ahead. There are so many things that I am thankful for and C and I talk often about how lucky in life we are. But I don't want to look back at what I endured this last year. It is still too painful, and I'm fearful that if I take the time to reflect, I will get into a deep emotional rut.

As far as looking ahead, I'm trying so hard to muster up some hope...that four letter word in IF circles. It is the conundrum of not wanting to get my hopes up only to be shattered versus going through the process of an IVF cycle with no hope of it working. Neither option feels like the right one....so I sit in limbo. I am willing myself to have hope. Having a very busy holiday season has helped my mind stay in the present rather than running away with the "what ifs".

I started stims yesterday. Here is my protocol. 75 F.ollistim, 2 Me.nopur, 5u L.upron in the AM and 150 F.ollistim, 1 M.enopur in the PM until Wednesday then I switch to only PM meds. My baseline ultrasound showed a nice thin lining and 15 antral follicle count (which is more than I've had in the previous cycles). Next U/S and bloodwork are on Friday.

Congratulations to all those BFP out there....something is going around out there, I just hope I can catch it.

Here we go....again

We are officially off and running with IVF#3. Actually I guess I was officially in it when I started BCPs, but it never feels real until I break out the needles. I started with L.upron 20u today, decrease on the 29th, baseline on 12/31, stims on 1/3, follow up u/s 1/9, and ER week of 1/12. Our big decision (if we get to make it) is do we continue with 5dt or switch to 3dt? I know that most people are happier getting to a 5dt. We have been blessed to have enough embies to make that an option. I'm just starting to think "do we need to do something different this time?" No need to obsess about that right now I suppose. So I'm hoping for a smooth holiday season as I will be jacked up on L.upron for the entire couple of weeks. I keep on saying "third time's a charm". I'm in such a weird place emotionally right now. I have pretty much no expectations about how this cycle is going to turn out. I've had a negative cycle, we could get that again. On the other hand if it is positive, doesn't mean that we will stay pregnant. The scariness about the process has worn off so I am certainly less anxious. I also can plan a little bit ...we all know how I LOVE to plan! The only thing that I am going to adamant about this cycle is that when they start my IV for ER that it be done either by the IV team or anesthesia....I don't need to be a pin cushion on that day.

The Cinderella Castle all aglow!

Z getting a big hug from her favorite princess

Our family

Z after her Princess Makeover at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique

Our Disney trip was incredible!!!! (Aside from the fact that I got AF in full force when I was in the airplane bathroom with my daughter). The weather was great. Z was spoiled rotten and treated like a princess the entire week. Anyone traveling to Disney around the holidays - I would HIGHLY recommend going to the "Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party" at the Magic Kingdom. It is an evening event that you can get into the park at 4 pm until midnight. Because there are limited tickets, there are virtually no lines and we almost walked right on to most of the rides (the kiddie rides anyway). We had pictures taken with a whole bunch of characters, the Christmas parade was out of this world and the fireworks were breath taking. We enjoyed it so much that we ended up going back for a second night, and my DH is already planning our next trip down there in two years. (Of course I'm doing the IVF math and thinking that would include a 14 month old). We came back to New England in time for a snow storm and hit the ground running with organizing the holiday madness.

May latest adventure was my slip and fall on the ice. I had had a couple of stressful days at work, and on my next day off I woke up to a tremendous headache. I spent the morning doing everything I could think of to get rid of it. I drank coffee, took tylenol, put a hot pack on my neck and face, and did some pressure point treatment. While I was doing all of this Z was running around like a maniac, the guy who is now remodeling our master bathroom shower was bringing in all of his equipment and C had a friend over to help move a bunch of work related equipment out of the basement. My father-in-law was also buzzing around- not really sure what he was doing. Then my therapist calls (the one who does craniosacral work): "Didn't we have an appointment this morning?" I wanted to cry. I could have had this taken care of by a professional? Turns out she had a crack of time in her schedule to fit me in, so I ran into her office. When I got home I decided if I took a quick nap, then that would be the end of my headache. My daughter was with my mother-in-law at this point, and my house was now empty. Perfect! So I took a nap. I woke up, refreshed. Headache - gone, mission accomplished. I then went up the hill to pick up my daughter from my mother-in-law, get out of my car take about 15 steps, slip on a very small patch of ice, get sent off balance and take a couple of running steps forward to right myself. I never did regain my balance and as I'm falling I see the slate step that makes up my in-laws porch coming closer to my face. This is when I went into slow motion and the only thing that went through my mind was "surely I'm not going to hit THAT?!"

Crack.


I landed forehead first on that step. I thought for sure I had just split my head wide open. My husband can't listen to me tell the story, because the visual makes him sick to his stomach. Now, this fall was unobserved - thank goodness. I'm pretty sure if someone saw it they would either be horrified, or laughing hysterically unable to render aid. I was pretty shaken up and started to cry, I didn't want to take my hand off my head because I was sure there would be some major blood loss. Next thing I hear is my daughter yelling "Mommy fell down" and I can hear the panic in her voice. She didn't see it, she just saw me laying on the ground. ANYWAY, to make a tremendously long story short, I have a cut above my eye, that did not require any kind of stitches. My nickname at work is now "Egghead". And yesterday I noticed that my eyelid is now bruising and I'm getting a black eye, this morning when I woke up my eye was almost swollen shut, but quickly got better when I got upright. Let me tell you....I'm a vision!!!

CD 1 - at long last

I can't remember a time when I was so eagerly waiting for AF to show. I was almost a week and a half late. Apparently this a normal occurrence after a failed IVF cycle, no one had told me that. I went in for my cycle review on Wednesday. The LPN that took my vital signs is, well lets just say she is not one of my favorites. She was in on the last retrieval and participated in the great let's make the patient a pin cushion fiasco. She is not terribly sensitive to the whole IVF process. One of her first questions: "So, you're not pregnant yet?" I told her that my period was late, but I was about as sure as I could be that I was not pregnant. We decided to do a pregnancy test, in my mind just to rule it out. But she started to get all excited about the prospect that I was pregnant. I kept thinking that this was not really appropriate for an IVF patient. So here is how the conversation went:

Nurse: That would be so exciting! You should wait and surprise your husband at Thanksgiving dinner!

Me: I really don't think that I'm pregnant, I just want to rule this out.

Nurse: Instead of bringing out the turkey, you could bring out a baby rattle on a platter!

Me: (smiling politely)

Nurse: Do you think you could wait until tomorrow to tell him?

Me (having ENOUGH of this conversation): Well, first off I am working all day tomorrow so there will be no Thanksgiving meal for me. Second, I was pregnant earlier this year and had a miscarriage so even if this test is positive, it will be many weeks before we feel like we could celebrate.

*Crickets chirping*

Nurse: Oh, of course, I understand.

I don't think she could have exited the room any faster. The rest of the review with the doctor went fine. We were only going to change my protocol to a lupron flare if I hadn't started my period by today. There was some talk about switching to a 3dt vs 5dt, if only to make a change to what we are doing, not because they feel like we need to. I'm going to play that one by ear. My RE says there are no differences in pregnancy rates with a 3dt vs 5dt, just a decreased likelihood of multiples with the 5dt because they transfer less. I think for my age they would transfer 4 at 3dt - that just scares me a little too much. We are going to repeat my FSH with my next period....that will be in the middle of the cycle, so it is not like it will change anything, it's just time to do it again. I also brought up donor eggs, my RE laughed and said that there is no reason for that now especially with the way I stimulate, fertilize and divide. She made a comment that when I got closer to 42.5/43 years old, then it would be time to consider that. It was my turn to laugh at that, I'm figuring that we will be done with this process one way or the other by the end of 2009.

So we are off today for the big vacation. I'm looking forward to getting out of all this snow (we have had about 2-3 inches on the ground for a week), and back into short sleeve shirts.

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft a-gley

Just when I didn't think I had anything to blog about whilst I was waiting for AF and next cycle to start.....

My cycle is all wonky this month! I ovulated at least a week late and am waiting with breath that is baited for AF to show up. If it is much later than Friday, I fear that ER/ET will be delayed a week. That wouldn't be so bad under normal circumstances but that would mean that 1. I would be dealing with AF during my vacation and most importantly 2. The 13 days that I took off of work will be ill timed. I had planned on taking the time off so that I would be stress free about calling out from work after ER if needed, as well as being able to rest for a few days after ET. My clinic does absolutely no kind of bedrest post ET (except for the day of), and I just think its a good idea to be off my feet for a few days, especially considering my job. I have an appointment with the RE for my official cycle review, although I have a feeling that we will not be changing much for this next cycle. In the meantime, I'm cursing myself a bit - silly me thinking I could do something like make a plan for next cycle nearly two months ahead of time.

On to more fun filled plans: our trip to Disney is in one week. I'm just about, no scratch that, I'm probably more excited than my daughter. I'm making C crazy with all of my planning - I just want this to be an amazing vacation, and as memorable as it can be to a 4 year old. It has been a nice distraction to infertility.

Thanksgiving is going to be a lost holiday this year. I work both Thursday and Friday, then we will leave our house Saturday and spend the night close to the airport since we have a pretty early flight. I will have a left over turkey dinner waiting for me when I get home from work.