Betas betas everywhere

I don't think I mentioned what my beta was after my ultrasound. It was 1415 and that was pretty much the nail in the coffin...so to speak. I went out of town this weekend, mostly just to get my mind off of all the usual. We spent it with family, and although we did not talk directly about what was going on, it was very healing. Both my parents wrapped me up in a huge hug and simply said "we love you so much" and that was enough to lift up my soul. The only thing that was hard was that there was some chit chat about two of my cousins who have had twins via IVF in the last year and of course there was baby talk about them.

Unfortunately nothing has happened on the miscarriage front. I am at the point where I have mended (at least somewhat) on the emotional front and I just want to move on. My manager called this morning (not the same person that sent me the amazing email) and asked when I was coming back. Apparently there was a little miscommunication about my time off and they were expecting me there today. I was really hoping to go back by Thursday, but that doesn't look like that will happen. Since I have had no bleeding (only some very light and very small amount of spotting) they wanted me to repeat my beta today (it was 685) and follow up with an ultrasound tomorrow. Because of the slow rise of my betas they are concerned about a tubal pregnancy...what are the odds of the that, considering I only have one tube. Anyway, if they can rule out a tubal, and I still have not had a flow, then it looks like misoprostol for me.

I just want this chapter to be over. I have already started to calculate when I would likely cycle again...maybe fourth time will be a charm for me. Maybe we will switch things up a bit and do a 3dt. I'm sure they will also want to check an FSH with my next AF. In the meantime, I've got to get back on the exercise band wagon and focus on my diet...I have been doing nothing but emotional eating for the last few weeks...and it is starting to show.

The Silver Lining

The silver lining is that I have truly discovered that I have the most wonderful and compassionate boss EVER. I emailed her last night to give her the heads up on what was going on and that I would need some time off. I had planned on going into work today (I have burned up all of my earned time as of late, so any time I take off would be without pay) but taking the bulk of time off next week. This is her response to my email:

• I feel very sad for you. Your heart is breaking. Words won't comfort.
  I wish you could go to a place to be with women where they would surround you, and attend to you, and hold you, and let you be as raw as you need to be. We would do that here if we could, but we can't, or we can, but only intermittently, moments instead of hours. I fear the reality of what is going on in the external environment will crash into what is going on internally; physically, emotionally, and spiritually for you. I don't want where you are and what you are called to do to create more pain for you in this process. I think you should take care of yourself and think about being away from here now, not next week, but now. This may not be the best place for you to be, in fact, it may be harmful to your vulnerable heart. You are brave. You are strong, but perhaps not that strong. Who could be?
  I trust you to make the decisions that best serve you. I will honor whatever you decide is best and right for you. You are a wonderful nurse, and we appreciate your work here- but not if comes at too great a cost to you. If on the other hand, you will find solace in the rythym of the work, the never-ending cycle, the company of women engaged in carinig for women- then of course, you should come. Only you know.
  I am so very sorry. all my best to you. k

She ended up calling me later in the evening to "warn" me about a fellow co-worker who just announced her pregnancy and people have been talking about it. She didn't want me to walk in and be surprised by this news. In the end, I decided to take today off. I didn't sleep more than about 3 hours last night and yesterday I hurt my back and have not really been able to stand up straight. As it turns out I believe it was a good idea all around, shortly after I woke up I noticed the faintest of spotting, so I think that this pregnancy is declaring itself on its own. I took the progesterone last night, and originally had planned on taking it again today and repeat one more beta tomorrow, but now I truly feel like this is the end. I checked my work email this morning and this is another email from the clinical educator, not really a supervisor, but she has known pretty much every step of my journey.

• I'm so sorry for your loss. While I want to see you and hold you and cry with you, you can know my heart and thoughts are with you now and through the day. I'm glad you chose to stay home where you have more contol over your environment. Please let us know if we can do anything for you. Thank you for letting me journey with you.

I couldn't ask to have a more supportive work environment, I am blessed in that regard. So now I guess I just wait. We are planning on going out of town this weekend, it is my niece's birthday and we have been organizing this for quite some time. I'll call this the clinic this morning to see if there is any reason I shouldn't go. My family knows what is happening and they will all be supportive if I need time just to hang out in the corner. I'll have the next 3 days to myself and any longer than that and I may go batty.

My Own Personal Cheerleader

And believe it or not, that cheerleader is my RE. The follow up visit was pretty amazing. We talked about the miscarriage and the aftermath. I was actually impressed that she was very sensitive about women having their D&C in the clinic, rather than in the OR. She works with a lot of residents and she says she often hears them complain that doing a D&C in the OR is a waste of money and effort when it is a simple procedure that can be done in the office. Her response is that she can't imagine the emotional pain that women have to go through when they are asked abort the products of conception in the very place where they came to get pregnant. Speaking of residents, after the LPN took my vital signs she said "Okay, now Resident X will be in to see you". Well Resident X is someone that I work with. I actually just took care of his wife and his new baby about a week ago. Other than this latest interaction with he and his wife, which was very positive, I don't have a great track record with him. I was not about to talk with him about my miscarriage. I politely declined, but the LPN kept saying "but he's a third year resident". I'm glad I held my ground, I would have been pretty profoundly uncomfortable with him.

Anyway, back to the good stuff. We moved on to discuss our next cycle. Essentially the RE basically said that there was no reason other than old eggs and statistics on why the pregnancy didn't stick. We are not going to change the protocol. I stimmed well, I have mature eggs, they fertilized well, divided well, had several embryos that made it to pretty advanced stages of development, the two blasts they transferred were beautiful.....just bad luck this time. She is optimistic about IVF working for us, given how tuned in to the emotional aspect of this process, I don't think she would say something like that lightly. At the end of the meeting, she said that she would be my personal cheerleader...actually used those words.

Next, the IVF coordinator came in and discussed my potential schedule. I had some CM changes, so I think that AF will be coming in about a week. So we are looking at a tentative ER/ET week of October 6. It all seems very surreal thinking about stimming again, but this time I am excited and not so nervous. I've never been looking so forward to AF showing up in my life (ok, maybe once or twice in college....but I digress).