<1

I've been absent - sorry. For no good reason until today. Transfer went well. We did a 5 dt of one blast and one morula, one embie made it to freeze. I felt miserable on Saturday, spent most of the day in bed and at the end of the day started to throw up. "Yippee", I thought in between dry heaves.

Today is another story. I had my beta this morning. My clinic does them pretty early on, 5 and 7 dpET. Usually the first specimen is frozen and run with the second so they get the doubling time and have a better indication of a viable pregnancy right off. Anyway, I was going to have my betas drawn at different labs, so they went ahead and ran the one from this morning. It was <1. No need to repeat beta on Wednesday. Progesterone has stopped. I have already discussed the next cycle with my nurse as now we are getting into holiday season...tentatively it looks like I might be set for ER the week of Jan 12.

But I digress.....the tears are almost overwhelming. My eyes are red and they burn with every blink. Of course I was at work when I got the results. In a unit filled with babies and pregnant co-workers. I lost it and I lost it big time. I went into an empty patient room and cried for an hour. Finally I called the charge nurse in, a friend of mine and someone who is well aware of my woes, and told her I could just not function today. I was able to leave early and discretely I don't have to go back to work until Saturday - this is a very well timed break.

So I did something stupid this evening. My parents are coming in town tomorrow, so we of course had to do some cleaning. I decided that there were things that needed to go up into the attic. As I am standing up there, awaiting the box of outgrown clothes of Z's that C is at the bottom of the stairs lifting over his head, I see Z's boppy, then the swing, her broken down crib, the baby gates, the high chair, booster chair, infant car seat, portable tub, and boxes upon boxes of clothes and baby gear. All are neatly packed and labeled, awaiting their next user. I felt defeated, wondering if it is time to give some of that stuff away - at least the clothes. I'm not ready to give up, but today there is only the smallest sliver of hope that remains that this will work. The good news it is still there, and good or bad I know that it will start to grow with virtually wild abandon once we are cycling again.

My recipe for comfort tonight was pizza, soda, C's strong shoulder to cry on, and later an ambien.

Tomorrow I climb back on that wagon that I fell off of a couple of weeks ago and start exercising. I'm hoping that my eyes will be a little drier and a little less red - thank goodness tomorrow is a therapy day.

Poll

I have a couple of questions:

1. How long did it take you (yes, you) to recover from ER? I was told by my clinic that I should be out of work the day of the procedure (duh!) and the next day, then should be fine to go back to work the day after. I am now 4dpER and am just now feeling ok. I actually called out sick today because by the end of work yesterday it hurt to walk and sit. I started worrying about OHSS, but I have actually lost 2 lbs since ER and feel better today....maybe it is just because I spend my time at work (12 hours of it) walking or standing.

2. For those of you who are pregnant after IVF, did your body feel worse going through IVF or during early pregnancy?

3. What does your clinic prescribe for bedrest after ET? I've seen some people that are on 4 days of bedrest, my clinic okays going back to work the next day. If you are on long bedrest, what is the rational behind it?

I guess that is all for now. ET tomorrow morning at 9:45 EST.

Let's try this again....

So the morning of the ER went pretty well, that is until I actually went into the procedure room. C was able to collect his specimen before I had to go in, because we didn't want another "incident". As I'm lying on the stretcher, anxiously awaiting my sleepy meds, the process of starting an IV commences. Unfortunately this was becoming a repeat of last time. They were trying to put in a 20 or 22 gauge (the smallest you typically use on an adult) and after 4 attempts, decided to wait for anesthesia. When the boychild of an anesthesiologist came in, they told him of the difficulties they had starting an IV. He starts looking at my neck and my feet for a site....I'm not kidding. Part of me thinks he was looking at these sites just because they would be "cool" and good experience for him to start an IV in those places. He did finally get one in in my hand, thank goodness. And not much longer after that I was getting the happy juice. At this point we were running very late, almost an hour, so I feel bad about the ER after me (I was the first of the day). The RE (my favorite) came in briefly during the IV crisis and said "Looks like we'll get 6-8." I was very disappointed, especially since we had 14 last cycle.

Next thing I know, I'm in recovery. They retrieved 11 eggs - yay, although I still thought it would be more. I did not have any crazy bleeding and was able to leave the clinic in a reasonable amount of time. C wanted to stop at Best Buy on the way home, and I was desperate for a sandwich. I actually went into Best Buy with him because "I feel great!" That only lasted for about 10 minutes, then I was back out in the car in a reclined position, regretting my strong shopping impulse. As soon as I got home I climbed into bed, and pretty much stayed there the rest of the day. I went downstairs when my daughter came home from daycare and the first thing she said was "why is there a baby in your belly?" I guess she hears us talking a lot more than we give her credit for.

I was able to lay low for the next couple of days. 9 out of the 11 fertilized, and we are definitely on track for a 5 day transfer. Thank goodness! Last night I asked C how he felt about this cycle. I guess I was fishing for a little optimism, because I surely don't have any. It's not that I don't think this will work, I'm hopeful that it will. I just know that a positive beta, even multiple doubling betas, even a heartbeat, doesn't mean that we will have a baby. If we do get pregnant, I wonder at what point I will be able to reassured....probably not until a baby is in my arms.

Right now we have a great distraction, to keep us from focusing all on baby stuff. We are going to Disney the week after Thanksgiving. We have made our reservations, and yesterday I spent the day planning some of our Disney excursions. Z is going to have a princess makeover, complete with hairdo, princess dress, tiara and shoes. We will also be there for an afterhours Christmas Party/parade. I think I just might be as excited as Z...if that is possible. I'm at work for the weekend, which will also be a distraction from obsessing about ET.

Bollocks!

Just wrote my ER story....hit a wrong button and lost it all....so I will try again tomorrow. I will leave you with this: 11 eggs, 9 fertilized, 5dt planned for Monday.

Close to the surface

First things first - the girl's night out was awesome. It has been so long since I have giggled at the silliest of things. At one point it felt like we were back in high school and were out for a joy ride in our parents car. We are going to try and do this once a month.

The ultrasound was interesting. The tech greeted me and brought me back into my favorite room (just an aside - isn't it sick that I have a "favorite" ultrasound room?!). The tech was also one of my favorites. She is bubbly and friendly and actually talks to me before breaking out the wand. She left me alone to change and as I am sitting on the table waiting for her to come back, I start to panic. I start thinking about how this was the room where we found out that there was no longer a heart beat during out last cycle. But wait, I'd been in this room before, I'd had my sonohystergram here just a few weeks ago...what was different? It was the tech. She had been the ultrasound tech that day as well. I found myself in a tail spin. I didn't want my favorite tech to stimulate such sad and vivid memories. And yet I am sitting on the table, naked from the waste down, looking at the ceiling so the tears don't breech the crest of my lower eyelid. Because I know that if one tear lands on my cheek, I will quickly go into the the ugly sobbing crying. I have been doing very well for several weeks now, but sitting in that room, waiting for her to come back in, I realized how close to the surface those emotions still are. I did manage to hold it together...didn't even need a kleenex.

So 6 resting follicles on each side (I think I had 14 last time), but the scan was so fast, I'm not sure how accurate that is. No free fluid in the uterus, no cysts, no need for blood work this time around. I have the green light to start stims tomorrow am. 1 menop.ur and 150 of f.ollistim in the morning and at night. Follow up ultrasound on Friday and an E2.

Driven by an emotional day, I decided to keep the theme running and told C how I didn't feel comfortable around a lot of his friends. (I thought about this earlier in the day when I stopped by to have lunch with C at his office today after my ultrasound and one of his gaming friends showed up half way through lunch....I got uncomfortable and left pretty abruptly). C is a social chameleon, and can talk about sports, theatre, comic books, many genres of literature, computer gaming, politics, celebrity gossip, etc... Many of his friends are into computer gaming - something I have pretty much zero interest in, so when they start talking all I hear is blah, blah, blah. With his male friends, they are always trying one up the other in insults. He would NEVER talk to me this way, so when I hear him talking to others like that, even if I know everyone is joking around, it makes me uncomfortable. So between gaming talk and insults, I'm usually pretty bored and antsy to leave. This whole topic came up last night because C wanted to go spend the evening with some of his friends next weekend. Now, let me preface this by saying that I love this couple...but both husband and wife are gamers, so there comes a point late in the evening when ALL conversation is about graphic novels and gaming. I try to smile and nod, but honestly I don't even listen. Am I the worst wife ever? So all of this comes up in my conversation with C yesterday. He was very understanding about the whole thing and wanted to know what we should DO about it, all I wanted to do was relax and watch Survivor. I wasn't out to fix any problems last night, I was motivated to say something because of an emotional day compounded by 2 weeks of l.upron. Poor guy, now I have him trying to fix an issue that I really don't give too much thought to until I am faced with spending time with his gaming friends, which is hardly ever.

Holding pattern

I'm in this drawn out holding pattern of down regulation. This part seems to take so long. So now I am down to 10u of L.upron in the am. My attitude about this cycle is so different. Last time I could rattle off all the dates in my head, I knew exactly when I was working and whether or not I was going to have to do my own AM injections on those days. This time around I have to consult my IVF folder a million times to make sure when my u/s appointments are and when I'm decreasing my L.upron. My baseline u/s is this Thursday. Depending on what they find in the u/s I may or may not have bloodwork done on that same day. Stims will start on Saturday, and follow up u/s on Oct 3. Now that I am thinking about my schedule, the timing seems to be a bit bad as I am turning 40 (FORTY!!!) on Oct 1st. Nothing like being juiced up on hormones when I'm about to hit a milestone birthday that I dread. Now, I have never been one to make a big deal about my own birthday, and the numbers have never bothered me (except when I turned 27 - I had a hard time with that one and I have no idea why). But 40 (FORTY!!!) is a different story. Maybe it's the infertility, maybe it is just the number....but I'm freaking out a little bit!

Okay, I've calmed down for the moment.

Tonight I'm going out with for an honest to goodness girl's night out. Granted it is on a Tuesday and I have to work tomorrow, but I'll take it. It has been way too long since I've spent time with just girl friends that has nothing to do with work.

I'm already looking forward to transfer and I'm trying to plan ahead a little. I've read on some blogs that some RE prescribe valium or something similar on the day of transfer. My clinic has not prescribed anything, but I was thinking that might be beneficial for the anxiety of that day. Anyone have any input/experiences they could share with me on this subject?

Meet my friends Dense and Lumpy

I was due for a pap, and the RE wanted to get one in before I cycled. Next thing I know, it turned into a regular annual physical. "Your b.reasts are dense and lumpy" says the APRN. "Gee, thanks!" says me. I made the mistake and said that I would soon be having a mammogram. "Oh, you don't need that until you are 40". "I will turn 40 next month" says me...silly, silly me. Next thing I know, it is 4 days later and I am standing in a small room with a stranger manipulating my b.reasts and squishing them into what I believe was a large playdoh fun factory set up. It wasn't so bad I guess....

I started Lupron today- 20 units. We are on our way!

Trading Places

Yesterday I asked C how many more times he could envision us doing IVF. I have had in my head that we would do a total of 3 fresh cycles and maybe an FET if we had the frosties for it. As my 40th (yes, FORTIETH) birthday looms just around the corner, I've been thinking quite a bit about our family's direction. TTC has consumed almost 3 years of our life. I've changed my job and possibly my career path as a result. C and I have grown closer in ways and more distant in others in the wake of this desperate attempt to grow our family. I know how lucky we are to have our daughter, and there are certainly times that I think - why isn't this enough? I wonder how our life might be different right now if we had not gone in this direction. If you had asked me a year ago how many times I would do IVF the answer would have been "as many as it takes". Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up what could potentially be a couple more years, I'm getting too old for that, and I don't want to miss our life that is going along at what seems light speed. My daughter has been having very rough mornings lately. The other day she ran outside into the yard as my car was pulling out of the driveway (at 5:30 am) crying that she would miss me and wanted to go to work with me....that is killing me. I think on some level she feels the impact of the stress IVF has brought into our house, of the miscarriage..... How could she not feel that? And I don't want to do this to her for very much longer, although ironically part of why we are trying so hard for another child is for her to have a sibling.

Anyway, I digress. So right now, I say 3 fresh cycles. C, who at the beginning of all of this said that we should try this once and see how it goes, says to me yesterday that he would do all the 6 cycles that our insurance will pay, if I am willing and the IVF team continues to be optimistic that this will work for us. Even though we are not really on the same page in regards to how long we will continue this, I was so reassured that he wants this as much as I do. C has been so supportive throughout this whole process and I know that he has an appreciation that so much of the burden (physically and emotionally) falls on me. He is very careful not to assert his position to aggressively, because when it comes down to it, it is my body and I have final say of how much of this I want to take. But to hear him say that he not only "would" but "wants" to go the distance on this, gives me wind to my sails. Right now I feel like we can accomplish anything....look at me I'm ten feet tall and bulletproof! Okay, now I'm getting a little carried away, and I will have to flag this post as the apex of my optimism, especially when I am at the nadir of my cycle.

posting to say nothing

Not a whole lot is going on in the IVF arena, right now just hanging out on BCPs. I have a pap on Thursday (joy!), then Lupron next week. I am more focused on planning our trip to Disney, and connecting with friends that have fallen by the wayside. Consequently, my blogging and keeping up with message boards has suffered, so I apologize for the lack of commenting.

Work is finally getting better most days, I am feeling more comfortable with the job in general, so I'm not so stressed during my drive in. I've also started doing some carpooling which makes the financial pinch of the commute more tolerable.

cd4

Well, we are on our way. I started BCP yesterday. I have an HSG scheduled for Thursday. The HSG is to see if my uterus has healed well from the D&C. I am a bit bummed about the timing of the HSG as I will have to leave work to have it done. It is only about a 5 minute walk from our unit, but because I will be leaving the floor for a doctor's appointment, it took an act of congress to get it approved. Ok, not really, but I did have to notify my boss, and she in turn had to talk with the charge nurse that is going to be on that day and tell her why I have to leave. You see it is a pretty strict policy that we do not make any kind of appointments for a day that we are scheduled to work. Our unit is very unpredictable when it comes to planning a break. My boss is very understanding about the cycle driven schedule of IVF, so she is happy (well, maybe not happy, but understanding anyway) to accommodate my IVF scheduling needs. Unfortunately it is necessary to tell the charge nurse what is happening and why, because otherwise it looks like I am getting preferential treatment when it comes to leaving the floor. I'm sure this will come up again for follicle monitoring ultrasounds, ER and ET, so I guess I should just buck up and get used to it. I'm just not sure how ready I am for others to know about what I am going through.

Just the other day I overheard a fellow nurse make a comment about a patient who had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. Her comment was "now that is a baby that was meant to be". Does she mean that if it takes any effort to get pregnant it wasn't meant to be? I know you all have heard the same comments from unsuspecting friends or acquaintances. I don't know why it bothers me, it's none of their business, right? And yet, on some level, it must matter to me about what others think, I can't help it.

So, if all goes like it did the first time around, ER will be around Oct 8th. We will be hoping to do another 5dt, but that of course could change. It is surreal to think about my calendar. The IVF coordinator, while looking at my cycle initially was plotting it out to when I would have my pg test. I'm a little nervous as if all goes well this time around, I will be 10 weeks pregnant for our trip to Disney. Ok, ok, I can't get that far ahead of myself......

I'm excited about this cycle. What a difference from last time. I hate being a veteran at this, but I'm glad that I know my way around the meds, the u/s, the labile moods, etc.

My Own Personal Cheerleader

And believe it or not, that cheerleader is my RE. The follow up visit was pretty amazing. We talked about the miscarriage and the aftermath. I was actually impressed that she was very sensitive about women having their D&C in the clinic, rather than in the OR. She works with a lot of residents and she says she often hears them complain that doing a D&C in the OR is a waste of money and effort when it is a simple procedure that can be done in the office. Her response is that she can't imagine the emotional pain that women have to go through when they are asked abort the products of conception in the very place where they came to get pregnant. Speaking of residents, after the LPN took my vital signs she said "Okay, now Resident X will be in to see you". Well Resident X is someone that I work with. I actually just took care of his wife and his new baby about a week ago. Other than this latest interaction with he and his wife, which was very positive, I don't have a great track record with him. I was not about to talk with him about my miscarriage. I politely declined, but the LPN kept saying "but he's a third year resident". I'm glad I held my ground, I would have been pretty profoundly uncomfortable with him.

Anyway, back to the good stuff. We moved on to discuss our next cycle. Essentially the RE basically said that there was no reason other than old eggs and statistics on why the pregnancy didn't stick. We are not going to change the protocol. I stimmed well, I have mature eggs, they fertilized well, divided well, had several embryos that made it to pretty advanced stages of development, the two blasts they transferred were beautiful.....just bad luck this time. She is optimistic about IVF working for us, given how tuned in to the emotional aspect of this process, I don't think she would say something like that lightly. At the end of the meeting, she said that she would be my personal cheerleader...actually used those words.

Next, the IVF coordinator came in and discussed my potential schedule. I had some CM changes, so I think that AF will be coming in about a week. So we are looking at a tentative ER/ET week of October 6. It all seems very surreal thinking about stimming again, but this time I am excited and not so nervous. I've never been looking so forward to AF showing up in my life (ok, maybe once or twice in college....but I digress).

IVF #2 here I come

Lots and lots of things have been happening lately, so blogging has been put on the way back burner. Work has been tremendously stressful, so I'm glad not to be cycling at the moment. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the RE to discuss the past, and look toward the future. As of late we have been gung ho about starting another cycle as quickly as possible. Partly because I am feeling the pressure of the biological clock, and partly because I want something else to think about other than our successful, yet failed IVF#1.

However, I have a new goal - vacation. An honest to goodness vacation that doesn't involve going to visit family. We've been talking about Disney for awhile now, and it has been put on hold several times. Money is tight and we just weren't sure if it was fiscally responsible for us to go on a trip like that (we don't have a great track record with restraining our spending on vacation). C just found out that with his reward points from his credit card, we can get 3 airline tickets, plus pay for a rental car for the week, not too mention we could use my parents' timeshare...that pretty much sealed the deal for me. Right now I have time off the first week of December, but have no idea what will be happening IVF/pregnancy wise at that time, and when it will be okay to travel. That is going to be pretty high on my priority list to talk with the RE about. Our family desperately needs to take a vacation so I'm hoping that we can do whatever kind of manipulation to my cycle, without delaying the process much, to make it happen. We also thought about going to Ireland with the reward points....but Z is much to small to enjoy that type of sightseeing, so Disney it is.

I have all but gained back the weight that I lost at the beginning of the year. Ten pounds I credit to the IVF meds, and 7 pounds to the emotional eating after the pregnancy loss. I'm back on the exercise mode again and starting to feel a little better. My eating is still an issue, as I'm sure it always will be. C needs to lose weight as well, so we have decided to have a weekly "meeting" and plan our meals and exercise times for the up coming week. We need that rigid kind of scheduling, because otherwise something will come up and exercise will be secondary - when it really needs to be a priority for both of us.