Stop me if you heard this one....

It is a story about a 41 year old woman who has been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years. She has had two surgeries, dozens of tests and blood work, 3 IUIs, 4 IVF cycles resulting in 2 pregnancies with heartbeats and one chemical pregnancy, all without the success of bringing home an actual child. Then after lots of soul searching and financial planning, decides that she is ready to move on to DE, following an FET. She is waiting for her period to start so she can start BCP and begin the process of FET. She goes on vacation, her period should be starting the day she leaves, although it never comes. She spends the next 8 days on vacation obsessing every time she goes to the bathroom...where the hell is AF? When she gets home from vacation she takes a pregnancy test...positive. Has a beta drawn the next day: 10,300. Has an ultrasound the day after that: baby measuring right on target with an adequate heartbeat. Twelve days later (7w4d) has another ultrasound that is spot on perfect with a great heartbeat.

Yes, I have become an anecdote. Now, let me clarify that we did not "relax" or "just forget about it for awhile". We did OPKs during that cycle and had very timed se.x. It was still stressful, the big difference is that I had no hope that it would work - why would I? I spent the first few days of vacation taking all sorts of cold and flu medication and stuff to help me sleep.

I am freaking out. Part of me wants to just be thrilled, but the infertile part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thanks to all who have continued to comment...although I have been such a bad blogger and commenter! Betas have been going well. Not doubling always, but certainly making the appropriate 66% jump in 48 hours. Here are the betas to date:

12dpo 18
14dpo 36
16dpo 87
20dpo 277
22dpo 511
24dpo 1437

It is hard not to compare previous cycles, which had higher numbers...but ultimately unsuccessful. I am now in a holding pattern until my ultrasound on Thursday. In the past they did a 5w6d us, this time it will be 6w2d. They are hoping to see a heartbeat at that time...and needless to say I do too. In the meantime, I'm very cautiously optimistic. It is difficult to enjoy any of the success so far, when I have come this far and been devastated. I have not proclaimed I'm pregnant...I usually say something like "well, there's something in there, I just don't know what yet". Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful to have even gotten this point, especially since I thought this whole cycle was going to be a bust.

Just a quick post...beta yesterday was 503, which more than doubled. Still extremely cautious, but feeling a little less insane. One more beta tomorrow, then ultrasound on Monday.

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I'm so behind on my commenting....part of my grand effort to keep myself out of the house and very busy so I don't have time to mope. I've also been on call for the last couple of weeks, which is good money, but lots of extra time at work. I'll catch up soon.

Did you miss me?

Did you know I was gone? In a grand effort to force the time between transfer and beta to go much much faster, I have stayed away from blogs. I went to my brother's for a short visit, cleaned out the closets in my house...you know just stuff to keep my mind from racing.

So here is a recap: We did a 5dt of 2 blasts. Everyone said it was a great report. After 10 out of 10 eggs fertilized, one arrested and one fragmented. So going into the the transfer there were 6 still growing for potential freeze. 2 actually made it freeze. So overall I feel like this was a good "batch". After looking up the grade of blasts that they transferred (one was a 4BB and the other was a 1BB), I decided that they are just middle of the road quality blasts. Wish there was an "A" in there somewhere, but I am 40 after all. We now have 4 total in the freezer. Although according to the nurse practitioner, we should do as many fresh cycles while I'm on the younger side vs an FET...but lets jump off that bridge when we get there.

My beta was yesterday. I had a good idea of what the result was going to be before I did the test. I've had some heartburn, my boobs are huge and sore......my beta was 29! My clinic does a very early beta at 7dp5dt so the number doesn't sound great compared to the initial betas I see on other blogs, but it is a BFP and I'll take it!! They are supposed to freeze this 1st specimen and not run it until the second one is drawn 2 days later so they can evaluate doubling time...but this lab always runs it the same day. Because my beta is so early, I don't usually have to fight the urge to POAS, but I do cheat a little and look up my results in the computer before my clinic calls. By the time the IVF nurse calls to congratulate me, I've already called C and told him the news. Last night I did contemplate POAS, just so I could see the lines...how crazy is that?

I am taking this one step at a time. I am happy, but not ecstatic. I am hopeful, but realistic. I am trying desperately not to look too far ahead, but yesterday I had a little daydream about my daughter (who will be 5 this summer) rubbing my belly and feeling the baby move.

My next challenge is to stay in the moment, and only look as far ahead as the next test. Fortunately at this stage of the game, the next step is usually only at the most a week away. My next beta is tomorrow.

I was happy....for about 5 minutes

So u/s today.....I saw a sonographer that I had never met before and she was not very warm and fuzzy. When the image came up on the screen I immediately saw the sac, and the flicker. I was overwhelmed and thrilled. C and I held hands, so happy that our worries were for not - UNTIL the RE came in. He asked how I was doing, I said "I'm great now". Then he goes into a little sidebar with the sonographer. They talk about gestational sac size and crown to rump length, which are all just fine...this clinic doesn't really give out specifics very freely so I just typically take the no news is good news approach when it comes to statistics. Then we get to the heartbeat. It is 97. NOT good. It seems silly and maybe even trivial, but they wanted to see it over 100. So back for another u/s next week. Which is going to be tricky with my work schedule. They said I could be seen in 7-10 days...hello! How could I wait 10 days? So right now my appointment is for next Friday, but it might get bumped due to lots of retrievals that day. If Friday is a go, then I have to do some fancy rescheduling with work - I'll work on that tomorrow.

As I left the u/s room I ran into both of the IVF nurses that I have worked with, they were very supportive, but not saying terribly optimistic things. I got "at least you got pregnant" and "maybe things with turn around next week". I have no idea what to think right now. 3 beats per minute off doesn't seem like much to warrant such a dismal outlook, but that is the impression I was getting from the IF team.

Unfortunately we had to take my daughter to the appointment. I have never done it before and will do everything I can from doing it again, there was just no other choice. Luckily the clinic is not crawling with infertiles, I rarely see anyone else when I go. And the clinic shares the space with the regular OB clinic, so the place is lousy with pregnant women. Anyway, we have not talked about the pregnancy with her in weeks, but when she walked into the u/s room (I was already there seated with a sheet over my lap) she blurts out "are you having a baby?" Before the RE came in the room (and we were still happy) we pointed to the screen and showed her the baby. So all afternoon she has been pulling up my shirt and asking where the baby is. Boy do I regret saying ANYTHING to her earlier - and you can't just take something like that back.

So off to work tomorrow, I'm hoping that nobody comes up and congratulates me...I know that I won't be able to hold it together.

Back to worry and anticipation

So the last week has been somewhat of a blur. I have been trying to keep myself (read: my head) occupied and away from Dr. Google. We had a little family outing over the weekend to an amusement park that is just for little kids (Z will be 4 in a few short weeks). We had a blast and I saw a part of New England that I hadn't seen before. The White Mountains are truly spectacular and we are already planning our next trip up there before the end of the summer.

I've been struggling with my emotions and optimism this week. The "bump" and the lack of a definitive gestational or yolk sac is freaking me out. The radiology report also mentioned that the pocket appeared to have "collapsed" in the middle - that surely doesn't sound good. I did phone my IVF nurse and talked with her briefly. Although she didn't say anything along the lines of "don't worry about it, I'm sure it will be fine"....which was the answer I was fishing for. She did say at least one reassuring thing: embryonic development happens so fast this early in the game that an u/s done in the morning might not show anything, but an u/s that same afternoon might show something completely different.

I have been able to remain relatively calm. I am actually confident that I am pregnant. I don't think that my betas would have risen like they did if the pocket on the ultrasound was just fluid (which was a possibility also outlined in the radiology report). BUT, my fear right now is that there is some structural or chromosomal abnormalities that will prevent this pregnancy from resulting in a real live baby. Friday morning's ultrasound is huge. We will be out of limbo one way or another. I will be 7w1d at that time so they should see something. I've let my mind wander to the possibility of needing to make a decision about another round. I know it seems like a no brainer to do another, but truthfully I don't know if we would.

In other news, the cat is totally out of the bag all over town and work. Yesterday someone who I don't even really talk with all that much congratulated me. I was so taken a back, I had no idea what to say. I didn't want to deny it, but I also didn't want just say "thank you" and let it spread further. I ended up saying that nothing was certain yet and we were waiting for another u/s before we got too excited. She apologized and said that she was under the impression that "everyone knew". I have no idea where the leak happened. I can only imagine that someone overhead a conversation I had with my friend from work who also went through IVF. There are 4 people who I have told at work, and I know that none of them would say anything. I guess I'm not really angry....I'm trying to push anger out of my life right now anyway....but I'm disappointed that I was not able to tell people on my terms. Which wouldn't have been for a few more weeks. I suppose this is what I can except working in an environment of 95% women. I dread having people come up to me at work on Saturday and say "congratulations" if we get bad news on Friday. This is just bad timing.

Me and my bump

Isn't a bump what everyone wants? I hear it so many times now with the celebrity "bump watch". My bump is not making me happy. As every hour goes by I am growing more worried. My ultrasound was yesterday at 5w5d. I was reassured before they even started the scan that all they were looking for was "how many and where". They didn't expect to see anything else. The APRN was in with the u/s tech to point out on the screen what I was looking at. Pretty early into the ultrasound the APRN says to the tech "are you seeing that bump?" Oh, no, please....let this be just a normal boring early ultrasound. I get the "it's probably nothing, we'll know more what we are looking at during the next ultrasound" speech. So I have to wait until next Friday the 20th.

So in the meantime, I check out my office notes for the ultrasound (because I have access to my own medical record), and get an official name for what they were seeing - a chorionic bump. In the notes it also says that there is not definite yoke sac or fetal pole, but from what I understand it can still be a little early to see that - am I wrong? The office note said that the gestational sac may just be fluid....

Just to add to my distress I decided to google "chorionic bump" and I came across an abstract from research that my clinic was involved in, including my specific RE. Here is the name of the article: A First-Trimester Pregnancy Sonographic Finding Associated With a Guarded Prognosis. Well THAT doesn't sound good. Here are some nuggets of information from the article:

Results. The difference in outcomes between the patients with bumps and the healthy control subjects was statistically significant (7 live births versus 13 live births; P < .03), but the difference in outcomes between the patients with bumps and infertility control subjects was not statistically significant (7 live births versus 11 live births; P = .1). Conclusions. The finding of a chorionic bump on the first-trimester sonogram is associated with a guarded prognosis for the early pregnancy (live birth rate <50%);>

So now I have THAT rattling around in my head. I'm going to have to keep myself extremely busy between now and next Friday, otherwise I will go out of my mind. I keep on trying to reassure myself that fluid would not cause the rise in hCG that I have. I've been told that with the rise in my betas it is a good indication of viable pregnancy....so that can't JUST be fluid, can it? C thinks that we got too excited too fast about the pregnancy. I know that this is all completely out of our hands now, there is nothing that I can do to change the outcome. I suppose it is back to just a waiting game. A game that I have been playing for a very long time, but I still suck.

Scared and happy

I've decided that it is possible to be scared to death and thrilled at the same time. My beta yesterday was 950 (I think....isn't that funny after obsessing for so long about numbers I can't remember this exact one). All I know is that it doubled in 48 hours and the clinic is pleased. Right now that is all that really matters....except that lurking fear that it is ONLY doubling. It seems that there are so many more women out there with much higher betas at this point (yesterday I was 20dpo). Anyway, I go back for what will hopefully will be the last beta tomorrow, then ultrasound at 8:00am on Tuesday.

I've allowed myself to pull out my two pregnancy books and start re-reading them. I went into the attic and took inventory of my maternity clothes - I'm definitely going to need some more pants. And I have begun the wonderings of what we are going to do with the spare bedroom. I haven't done anything crazy like actually BUY anything, but I have been looking. It will be quite a while before I am that confident to make a purchase. Now all that sounds very well and optimistic, right? Well, then there is the flip side. I can't say the words "I'm pregnant" without the sidebar of "at least for the moment". Most of our talks about the future start off with a big "IF". C knocks on wood (literally) whenever we speak about the idea of another pair of footsteps around the house. We had made plans to go to Disney this fall (I would be 24 weeks). The trip was going to be a big one - I would be off for 12 days. We would drive down and stop in Atlanta to see C's sister, then spend on full week in Orlando. My parents have a time share that has 2-3 bedrooms, a full kitchen and a pool that is 1.5 acres. There are so many unknown factors right now, physically and financially, that I'm not sure it is going to happen. Anyone have an opinion about Disney in October at 5 months pregnant?

I am also very nervous about the actual delivery. Z's delivery turned into a bit of a nightmare. I was 9.5 cm at 11am and delivered (by c-section) at 7:20 pm. I pushed for at least 4 hours. So now I am faced with the decision on whether or not to TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and where to deliver. I feel a strong bond with the small hospital that I just left and it is only 25 minutes away, but they do not have anesthesia in house 24 hours a day, so if we needed to go to a c-section it might be delayed, which is scary. The standard is "30 minutes from decision to incision", but 30 minutes can be a lifetime when the shit is hitting the fan. The hospital where I am now is over an hour away and I don't care for about 1/2 of the attending physicians, but I could be seen by a midwife and anesthesia is right there all the time. Someone told me the fastest c-section they ever saw was 9 minutes from decision to baby. That is extremely reassuring. But the hour drive in late January/early February makes me nervous. I have until the 20th of June to pick a provider.

So, I'm trying to stay in the moment and be happy, even added a baby ticker, although it is low on my sidebar. But I am also focusing on keeping my feet on the ground in the reality that all of these wonderings may be a moot point. I'll move that ticker up the sidebar as my confidence in the outcome increases.

My new favorite number...

...is 427. That is today's beta. In the words of my IVF nurse "it's marvelous". I will repeat my beta again on Wednesday. I am to call today to schedule an early OB ultrasound for either the 10th or the 11th. I am trying to remain calm and reserved on the outside but on the inside it is one constant "yippeeee".

Cautious....but VERY happy!

I've been avoiding blogging... not really sure why...because I have good news! I've been waiting so long to post this....I can officially add a BFP to my labels! My beta on the 27th was, well 27. 2nd beta yesterday was 97 - we've got tripling! I've been hearing "congratulations" each time the RN calls with my results, but when I press her a little for her impression she says that she is "cautiously optimistic"- a term that I think should be trade marked in this infertility industry.

I have to say, if I let my guard down, I have a good feeling about this. I have been feeling both ill and starving. I can't seem to get enough sleep and my bbs are huge! Except - yesterday I started spotting. Now I know this could just be implantation bleeding, especially since is seems to have stopped for the moment. But seeing any kind of blood is disconcerting. I have let myself look at my pregnancy book and I've even gone so far as to take a mental inventory of the maternity clothes that I have stashed in the attic. We told close family last night, but explained that we will continue to hold our breath for several more weeks...if not months. After the second beta, C let his guard down a little too and it was such a relief to see some raw emotion from him. He has not wanted to get his hopes up about any of this (he hasn't been pessimistic, just sort of middle of the road).

So, next beta is Monday, then possibly another one on Wednesday. The RN wanted to know what my work schedule was for the following week (week of the 9th) for an ultrasound. For now I am enjoying the change of pace - now I am googling pregnancy symptoms and beta results as opposed to side effects of menopur and 3dt vs 5dt. I am now looking at tickers and baby count downs and wondering - which one will I choose?

*addendum : I missed my blogiversary (sp?). I started blogging May 25th last year. Truthfully I never thought I would make it this long - for one reason or another. In honor of such an auspicious occasion, (both one year of blogging and the fact that at this very moment I am PREGNANT) I have decided to revamp my blog. The picture at the top is one that I took several years ago and is one of my favorites. I hope that seeing it frequently will remind me to get out there and do some of the things that have been missing in my life.