I've been avoiding blogging... not really sure why...because I have good news! I've been waiting so long to post this....I can officially add a BFP to my labels! My beta on the 27th was, well 27. 2nd beta yesterday was 97 - we've got tripling! I've been hearing "congratulations" each time the RN calls with my results, but when I press her a little for her impression she says that she is "cautiously optimistic"- a term that I think should be trade marked in this infertility industry.
I have to say, if I let my guard down, I have a good feeling about this. I have been feeling both ill and starving. I can't seem to get enough sleep and my bbs are huge! Except - yesterday I started spotting. Now I know this could just be implantation bleeding, especially since is seems to have stopped for the moment. But seeing any kind of blood is disconcerting. I have let myself look at my pregnancy book and I've even gone so far as to take a mental inventory of the maternity clothes that I have stashed in the attic. We told close family last night, but explained that we will continue to hold our breath for several more weeks...if not months. After the second beta, C let his guard down a little too and it was such a relief to see some raw emotion from him. He has not wanted to get his hopes up about any of this (he hasn't been pessimistic, just sort of middle of the road).
So, next beta is Monday, then possibly another one on Wednesday. The RN wanted to know what my work schedule was for the following week (week of the 9th) for an ultrasound. For now I am enjoying the change of pace - now I am googling pregnancy symptoms and beta results as opposed to side effects of menopur and 3dt vs 5dt. I am now looking at tickers and baby count downs and wondering - which one will I choose?
*addendum : I missed my blogiversary (sp?). I started blogging May 25th last year. Truthfully I never thought I would make it this long - for one reason or another. In honor of such an auspicious occasion, (both one year of blogging and the fact that at this very moment I am PREGNANT) I have decided to revamp my blog. The picture at the top is one that I took several years ago and is one of my favorites. I hope that seeing it frequently will remind me to get out there and do some of the things that have been missing in my life.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Transfer day
This morning started off very sketchy. While getting Z ready for preschool I remembered it was her turn to bring the snack (unfortunately for everyone in our house, the cupboards were bare). We quickly devised a plan for both of us to go and drop her off, swing by the grocery store and throw together a quick fruit salad once we got to school, then dash off to the hospital. Great, good plan. And then I see our cat out of the corner of my eye standing uncannily still, like a little black statue. As I go over to see what is up with her, I notice a relatively large pool of bloody fluid right behind her - crap! There is absolutely no wiggle room in our morning schedule for a cat that is bleeding from some orifice. After some frantic phone calls, we finally arrange for her to get dropped off at the vet. One crisis averted, on to the next: snack! We get to the grocery store, somehow spend $20 on fruit and rice cakes and head to school. As I am in the kitchen throwing stuff in a bowl, C comes in and says "Guess what? Today is NOT Z's snack day, it was last Tuesday". I had forgotten that she did not go to school one day last week because of a cough. Now I'm thinking - should I be worried about the way this day is progressing?
The drive to the hospital was pretty uneventful, I only panicked for a minute when I saw the sign that said "Caution: traffic stopped ahead". Yesterday they had to close the interstate while the put the skeleton of a bridge up, so I was hoping we weren't getting into that kind of mess. Our conversation turned from the interesting facts of the new book C is reading "Salt" (and yes, it is actually about salt) to what would we do if we suddenly found ourselves under attack by zombies. WTF??
Because I had overfilled my bladder for the mock transfer and was a little more conservative with the fluids this time - apparently too conservative, but it still got the job done. The RE came in to discuss the transfer. I was bummed that it was not my usual RE, he has a very good reputation, but his bedside manner is a bit lacking. He showed my the embryo report, which made no sense to me. I was expecting to see a grade for each embryo, but I guess that is more for a 3dt. I asked him if what they were transferring were of good quality and he said "its what we expect for day 5." Later when my hero of a nurse N came in, she said things like "this embryo report just doesn't get any better than this". Out of 14 eggs, 11 fertilized and it looks like we might have 7 to freeze. I am blown away! The transfer itself was not terribly comfortable, and took a little longer that I thought it would. But here I sit, with two perfect embryos inside me. There is a phrase that I have heard a couple of times and I couldn't wait to use it myself - I am pregnant until proven otherwise. My clinic is a little tricky with the betas. I have one drawn on the 27th, they will freeze that one and then run it when I have the second one drawn on the 29th, so they know what doubling time is I guess.
addendum: the cat should be fine, vet thinks it is just a UTI.
The drive to the hospital was pretty uneventful, I only panicked for a minute when I saw the sign that said "Caution: traffic stopped ahead". Yesterday they had to close the interstate while the put the skeleton of a bridge up, so I was hoping we weren't getting into that kind of mess. Our conversation turned from the interesting facts of the new book C is reading "Salt" (and yes, it is actually about salt) to what would we do if we suddenly found ourselves under attack by zombies. WTF??
Because I had overfilled my bladder for the mock transfer and was a little more conservative with the fluids this time - apparently too conservative, but it still got the job done. The RE came in to discuss the transfer. I was bummed that it was not my usual RE, he has a very good reputation, but his bedside manner is a bit lacking. He showed my the embryo report, which made no sense to me. I was expecting to see a grade for each embryo, but I guess that is more for a 3dt. I asked him if what they were transferring were of good quality and he said "its what we expect for day 5." Later when my hero of a nurse N came in, she said things like "this embryo report just doesn't get any better than this". Out of 14 eggs, 11 fertilized and it looks like we might have 7 to freeze. I am blown away! The transfer itself was not terribly comfortable, and took a little longer that I thought it would. But here I sit, with two perfect embryos inside me. There is a phrase that I have heard a couple of times and I couldn't wait to use it myself - I am pregnant until proven otherwise. My clinic is a little tricky with the betas. I have one drawn on the 27th, they will freeze that one and then run it when I have the second one drawn on the 29th, so they know what doubling time is I guess.
addendum: the cat should be fine, vet thinks it is just a UTI.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Vertical
I am finally feeling up to sitting and even walking around without the need to brace my belly. I made a phone call to the clinic this morning as I was starting to get a little worried about OHSS. My pain for the last couple of days was high in my belly, almost to my ribs. I have been taking the Tylenol #3 pretty regularly to get some much needed rest.
11-12 (the RN was exactly sure) of my 14 eggs fertilized - yea! We will be doing a 5dt tomorrow at 11:30. I've got to remember to go easy on the water as I tend to take "full bladder" a little bit too literally. Even the RE during the mock transfer said "whoa, not THAT full". My clinic is not very forthright with information on embryo development, I guess I thought I would get an update to see how many are still hanging on. When I asked my nurse this morning if she had heard anything about how they were doing, she dashed over to the lab and came back with a vague response of "they are doing well and growing fine". hmmmm....hopefully I will find out the stats on all of them tomorrow.
We are planning on transferring no more that 2. Even though I know that multiples are a risk, they scare me. We have had a child together already - no interventions needed - so I am operating under the hope that these embryos will be happy to be back home and snuggle in with wild abandon. Delusional, maybe - but most of all hopeful. Anyone out there that is nearing 40 with an opinion about how many to transfer?
11-12 (the RN was exactly sure) of my 14 eggs fertilized - yea! We will be doing a 5dt tomorrow at 11:30. I've got to remember to go easy on the water as I tend to take "full bladder" a little bit too literally. Even the RE during the mock transfer said "whoa, not THAT full". My clinic is not very forthright with information on embryo development, I guess I thought I would get an update to see how many are still hanging on. When I asked my nurse this morning if she had heard anything about how they were doing, she dashed over to the lab and came back with a vague response of "they are doing well and growing fine". hmmmm....hopefully I will find out the stats on all of them tomorrow.
We are planning on transferring no more that 2. Even though I know that multiples are a risk, they scare me. We have had a child together already - no interventions needed - so I am operating under the hope that these embryos will be happy to be back home and snuggle in with wild abandon. Delusional, maybe - but most of all hopeful. Anyone out there that is nearing 40 with an opinion about how many to transfer?
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Curse of the Nurse
Get comfy, this could potentially be a very long post...one that I will probably have to do in shifts as I am remarkably sore.
Let's start with a couple of days ago. I had a massage a while ago, this woman as it turns out is primarily a therapist but does various types of bodywork to compliment her therapy. My massage session turned into a cranio-sacral session plus some energy work. I went for a follow up on Tuesday, expecting to continue with the work that we did last time. All it took was a simple "so how are you doing?" that prompted me to burst into tears. Next thing I know I am talking about my friends death from almost 4 years ago. She gently suggests that maybe the focus of our sessions should be emotional health with bodywork as an adjunct. Sounded perfect to me. During the session, a recurrent theme of fear surfaced. By the end, I felt like I had let go of some of those fears. Then, the most amazing thing happened. With some of the fear out of the way, I was actually able to let in hope and joy. For the first time during this cycle, I was able to say (out loud even) that I was looking forward to the outcome, that I had hope, REAL hope, that we might have another baby.
Fast forward to today - retrieval day. We left the house at 6:10 to be seated in the waiting room by 7:30. Anesthesia shows up 8 to start my IV and give me the good stuff. Three IV attempts later and I have some fluids running in and the meds were quickly to follow. Next thing I know I am waking up and the process of recovery begins. After about an hour I'm feeling woozy, but pretty good. C wants me to go into "assist" him with his specimen so we don't have another "incident". Finally around 10:00, we are ready to leave. C goes to get the car and bring it around front. I politely decline being taken out in a wheelchair. I go downstairs and almost immediately start to feel pretty awful. I feel like I am going to pass out and/or throw up. I dash over to the security guard and ask him to tell me husband that I had to go back upstairs. Now I'm back in the procedure room and my blood pressure is 89/43 - crap. Then the pain kicks in. The crazy thing is that the pain is in my right back - like kidney area - and it is sharp! They do a very thorough transvaginal u/s, (which is a special treat after retrieval) and in the middle of the scan the sonographer says to the nurse "can you go get the doctor" - well that is never a good thing to hear, is it? Turns out I had some internal bleeding. I got another IV (only 2 attempts this time), more fluids, blood work in preparation for the possibility of going to the OR. The doctor prepares me that I may need to be admitted for observation and pain control. So then I sit, or lay there rather for hours. I was able to doze a little, but with the blood pressure cuff going off in regular intervals, I can't say that I got much sleep. C left for a while to get something to eat, I didn't want to here about it as I had not eaten since 6pm and they were keeping me NPO just in case we had to go to the OR. When C returned he flipped out a little because my diastolic pressure was 54 and the machine was alarming. The nurse in me told him not to worry, my pulse was not rising so I was pretty sure I wasn't bleeding out, so I showed him which button to push to silence the alarm.
Finally around 1:00 I turned a corner and felt completely pain free. I had to stay until some lab work comes back, but I was finally discharged around 3:30. The nurse said the good news about planning on doing a 5dt is that my innards should be recovered by then. I just hope we can make it until then. On the way home I am so hungry that I could eat the seat of the car. I restrained myself and we stopped for some good ol' comfort food.
So the good news in all of this is: 14 eggs retrieved.! Not sure how many are mature, will find that out tomorrow with the fert report. I'm planning on 2 full days of laying low and regular Tylenol #3.
Let's start with a couple of days ago. I had a massage a while ago, this woman as it turns out is primarily a therapist but does various types of bodywork to compliment her therapy. My massage session turned into a cranio-sacral session plus some energy work. I went for a follow up on Tuesday, expecting to continue with the work that we did last time. All it took was a simple "so how are you doing?" that prompted me to burst into tears. Next thing I know I am talking about my friends death from almost 4 years ago. She gently suggests that maybe the focus of our sessions should be emotional health with bodywork as an adjunct. Sounded perfect to me. During the session, a recurrent theme of fear surfaced. By the end, I felt like I had let go of some of those fears. Then, the most amazing thing happened. With some of the fear out of the way, I was actually able to let in hope and joy. For the first time during this cycle, I was able to say (out loud even) that I was looking forward to the outcome, that I had hope, REAL hope, that we might have another baby.
Fast forward to today - retrieval day. We left the house at 6:10 to be seated in the waiting room by 7:30. Anesthesia shows up 8 to start my IV and give me the good stuff. Three IV attempts later and I have some fluids running in and the meds were quickly to follow. Next thing I know I am waking up and the process of recovery begins. After about an hour I'm feeling woozy, but pretty good. C wants me to go into "assist" him with his specimen so we don't have another "incident". Finally around 10:00, we are ready to leave. C goes to get the car and bring it around front. I politely decline being taken out in a wheelchair. I go downstairs and almost immediately start to feel pretty awful. I feel like I am going to pass out and/or throw up. I dash over to the security guard and ask him to tell me husband that I had to go back upstairs. Now I'm back in the procedure room and my blood pressure is 89/43 - crap. Then the pain kicks in. The crazy thing is that the pain is in my right back - like kidney area - and it is sharp! They do a very thorough transvaginal u/s, (which is a special treat after retrieval) and in the middle of the scan the sonographer says to the nurse "can you go get the doctor" - well that is never a good thing to hear, is it? Turns out I had some internal bleeding. I got another IV (only 2 attempts this time), more fluids, blood work in preparation for the possibility of going to the OR. The doctor prepares me that I may need to be admitted for observation and pain control. So then I sit, or lay there rather for hours. I was able to doze a little, but with the blood pressure cuff going off in regular intervals, I can't say that I got much sleep. C left for a while to get something to eat, I didn't want to here about it as I had not eaten since 6pm and they were keeping me NPO just in case we had to go to the OR. When C returned he flipped out a little because my diastolic pressure was 54 and the machine was alarming. The nurse in me told him not to worry, my pulse was not rising so I was pretty sure I wasn't bleeding out, so I showed him which button to push to silence the alarm.
Finally around 1:00 I turned a corner and felt completely pain free. I had to stay until some lab work comes back, but I was finally discharged around 3:30. The nurse said the good news about planning on doing a 5dt is that my innards should be recovered by then. I just hope we can make it until then. On the way home I am so hungry that I could eat the seat of the car. I restrained myself and we stopped for some good ol' comfort food.
So the good news in all of this is: 14 eggs retrieved.! Not sure how many are mature, will find that out tomorrow with the fert report. I'm planning on 2 full days of laying low and regular Tylenol #3.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Lessons
I've been obsessed with message boards lately, and find myself a little negligent on posting on my blog. Let's see, where am I in the stim process? Today I reduced my dose to 2 Men.opur and 150 Folli.stim in the evening only and 5 units Lu.pron in the am. My u/s on the first was good enough for me to bypass blood work that day. My lining was thin, and there were follicles waiting in the wings. My next appointment is Friday u/s and b/w. At my previous ultrasound the tech asked if it was ok if one of the residents came in and scanned me after she did....hmmm....did I mention that I work pretty closely with the residents? Unfortunately it was the only male resident in the program and I don't really know him all that well. So I am trying to formulate an answer that really should not be that difficult - yes or no. But here is my predicament: I plan on refusing having residents do any procedural work that may directly affect the outcome of retrieval or transfer. So after a tremendously long pause, I say "yes", because just doing a scan is not going to affect the outcome.
I am learning so much from being the one on the bed versus the one at bedside. My first lesson is that IM injections REALLY SUCK, and when at all possible give one in the hip (as opposed to the arm or leg). The next lesson I think that I am already good at, but I definitely need to keep in mind what it is like when two caregivers are standing at bedside and talking about the patient as if she was not there. This happened when the resident took over the wand. At one point they pointed out how my retroverted uterus was pushing my ovaries out of the way, but they were going exactly where they should. I spoke up and said "that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day". They both stopped, I believe they were shocked that this object on the table with wand up her chickie was talking! But then everyone laughed.
There is another lesson out there. One that does not have an outcome yet. C and I got into a huge fight the other day, and I believe there is still tension in the air - I will know more in a few minutes when he comes home. I will make a very long story as short as I can: C still needs to go in for freezing of his man juice. The timing is sensitive because he has to be "activity" free for 2-5 days before the freeze and before ER. ER is possibly mid next week. When I asked when his appointment was for the freezing he told me "next week some time". He went on to explain that he had a lot of things on his plate right now.....I hit the roof. I freaked a little and told him that no matter what else was going on, this needs to be our priority for the next 2 weeks. I don't get why he doesn't understand the timing of all of the procedures for the next week or so. I also wish that he had just taken care of this a few weeks ago so this wouldn't be an issue. I was at work when we had this conversation and was starting to stew...so I called back to find out what needs to be different in our communication for him to be more aware of appointments etc. The conversation ended very unresolved. C said that he had to "think about it" and he would get back to me.
*update* So when he came home tonight, he had brought me a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie. We have not talked specifically about the above conversation - frankly I'm not really in the mood to get into it. I've gained 4 pounds since Saturday, although it could very well be from the cookies I've been indulging in "because I deserve it". I'm a little worried that I'm not feeling bloated enough and that my ovaries are not plumping like they should.
I am learning so much from being the one on the bed versus the one at bedside. My first lesson is that IM injections REALLY SUCK, and when at all possible give one in the hip (as opposed to the arm or leg). The next lesson I think that I am already good at, but I definitely need to keep in mind what it is like when two caregivers are standing at bedside and talking about the patient as if she was not there. This happened when the resident took over the wand. At one point they pointed out how my retroverted uterus was pushing my ovaries out of the way, but they were going exactly where they should. I spoke up and said "that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day". They both stopped, I believe they were shocked that this object on the table with wand up her chickie was talking! But then everyone laughed.
There is another lesson out there. One that does not have an outcome yet. C and I got into a huge fight the other day, and I believe there is still tension in the air - I will know more in a few minutes when he comes home. I will make a very long story as short as I can: C still needs to go in for freezing of his man juice. The timing is sensitive because he has to be "activity" free for 2-5 days before the freeze and before ER. ER is possibly mid next week. When I asked when his appointment was for the freezing he told me "next week some time". He went on to explain that he had a lot of things on his plate right now.....I hit the roof. I freaked a little and told him that no matter what else was going on, this needs to be our priority for the next 2 weeks. I don't get why he doesn't understand the timing of all of the procedures for the next week or so. I also wish that he had just taken care of this a few weeks ago so this wouldn't be an issue. I was at work when we had this conversation and was starting to stew...so I called back to find out what needs to be different in our communication for him to be more aware of appointments etc. The conversation ended very unresolved. C said that he had to "think about it" and he would get back to me.
*update* So when he came home tonight, he had brought me a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie. We have not talked specifically about the above conversation - frankly I'm not really in the mood to get into it. I've gained 4 pounds since Saturday, although it could very well be from the cookies I've been indulging in "because I deserve it". I'm a little worried that I'm not feeling bloated enough and that my ovaries are not plumping like they should.
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