Today's ultrasound was traumatic. The news was as bad as we thought it might be...no heartbeat. But unfortunately that wasn't the worst of it. Let's just say that I will be communicating my experience with someone of authority.
I was crying..bawling actually, after the news of no heartbeat, ultrasound wand still in place. The RE was patting my leg, and saying over and over "I'm so sorry". Being sensitive to how I was dealing with the news and yet still being in stirups with a wand up my chickie, the RE asked the tech if she was finished with the imaging.
She says "just a couple more measurements".
I'm not sure what kind of measurements the tech needed that the RE couldn't have cared less about but, apparently she wanted to be very thorough about these apparently unnecessary images of my ovaries. The more she probed, the more I cried. And then I panicked, I felt violated, yet I wanted to be the good patient for "just a couple of more measurements". I finally wrapped my brain around the idea that I was going to have to be the one to stop this, but how? I was afraid that if it went on for another moment I was going to quite literally freak out. I was finally able form the words "I just can't"...and the torture came to an end.
I'm surprised that my RE let it go on as long as it did, but she told me afterward that she was getting ready to put and end to it right as I spoke up. I have no doubt that the tech will be spoken to...at least I hope so.
All of that said, I am relieved that there is a definitive answer in today's ultrasound. I'm having a D&C early tomorrow morning. I'll be taking some time off from work. As the nurse practitioner said today...this whole process has drained my cup and I need to take time for myself so I can fill it back up again.
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13 comments:
crying with you... I am just so very sorry... This is just heartbreaking...
I'm so sorry. Been there... and it just sucks. I'm not sure what they need the measurements for but I've had the same thing each time I miscarried. For me, I was in a state of "I don't care what the hell you do."
I'm sorry that you ended up feeling worse than you needed to. I hope that the D & C is quick and as painless as possible. Also something that's never fun, but in my opinion, it's easier than the wait would be.
Thinking of you.
crap. i'm so sorry lady. about the heartbeat and the clueless tech. sending warm thoughts of support your way.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this again. My heart is aching for you. I'll keep you and your husband in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I too experience a loss last year. I know exactly what you are going through and how you feel. If you need a shoulder or an ear please feel free.
Please take the time to yourself.
I found you via LFCA. I have to tell you, my heart just breaks for you because I know exactly where your head is right now. Or close to it, anyway... as I've walked in your shoes many times myself (and have had that same bad u/s too many times in the last four years). Seems we have much in common, unfortunately.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry.
Ugh - came across on L & F, so sorry to hear of your loss, we recently had a no heartbeat experience too and it really is life shattering. Hugs.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, and even more so for the torture your ultrasound tech put you through.
I am so very sorry. Wishing you an easy D and C, and lots of peace.
I'm so sorry. This is fresh hell for sure.
Also from LFCA...So very sorry...sending you and your family hugs and light...
I am so sorry. Hoping that the next few days go by as peacefully and painlessly as possible.
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