5 to 10%...

.....that's what the chances are that this pregnancy is viable. Thursday's ultrasound was dismal. Both the ultrasound tech and the RE welcomed me with hugs and smiles...yay! Then dildo cam went to work. I saw a sac and it appeared to be empty. "F**k." I said quietly and C reached for my hand (yes he did go with me). Apparently the RE's face was an open book, although I was too busy staring at the screen directly in front of me mounted to the wall. C was watching the RE and he told me later that her face clearly showed that she was not happy with what she was seeing. Then the craziest thing happened. I hear "there's the heartbeat". WTF? Sure enough there is an embryo (measuring at least a week behind) with a heartbeat of 100bpm. What is the cutoff for a heart rate at this age you ask? The answer is 100 bpm. They took a few more measurements and then we met the RE in the conference room across the hall.

I must say that I have the most compassionate RE EVER. I was slumped over the table with my head in my hands when she walked in. She walked over to me, gave me a kiss on the forehead and wrapped both arms around me while I cried into her lab jacket. We sat and talked for almost 30 minutes about what this could mean, the likelihood that this pregnancy will end, possible blood testing for next time around, and of course what to do about my antidepressant. Coming off the Paxil abruptly was necessary due to the risk of heart defects, but the "discontinuation syndrome" has sucked eggs. I am dizzy, nauseous, profoundly irritable, and having some GI issues that I won't go into now. She gave me a note to be out of work for 1-2 weeks...I think based primarily on where I work. The thought of going to work the next day and dealing with babies and pregnant women made me feel ill. The RE reiterated her feeling that this failure is nothing more that old eggs. I left the office after several more hugs and encouraging words.

Anyway, I digress. My next ultrasound is on Wednesday. I have a feeling that will be the nail in the coffin so to speak. There are other possibilities, it could have been a late implanter and is just behind. C is holding out hope that things will be okay. I can't say that I feel the same way. I know I shouldn't be thinking about next cycle yet, besides not knowing what is going to happen with this one, I'm in no state of mind to be thinking about the possibility of another cycle.

Never in a million years did I think I would be here. Pregnant 3 times from 4 IVFs and still no baby....and no diagnosis other than my age. I remember starting this blog and thinking there is no way that I will still be doing this in a year (that was over 2 years ago). I also remember being so gitty from our 1st positive beta and thinking "how lucky am I that it worked on the first try!" I looked on the "Veterans Only" page of IVF Connections today and thought "this is the message board for me". No more Pollyanna optimism of an initial beta, or even a good first ultrasound...no those rose colored glasses have been ripped off.

In the meantime, every moment with my daughter I want to hug her so tightly. I want to bring back the memories of kicks in utero, breastfeeding, and baby belly laughs. I know that I am so lucky to have had these in the first place, and I'm also so stupid to have not cherished those memories ENOUGH, as I never occurred to me that I would not have another child.