Close to the surface

First things first - the girl's night out was awesome. It has been so long since I have giggled at the silliest of things. At one point it felt like we were back in high school and were out for a joy ride in our parents car. We are going to try and do this once a month.

The ultrasound was interesting. The tech greeted me and brought me back into my favorite room (just an aside - isn't it sick that I have a "favorite" ultrasound room?!). The tech was also one of my favorites. She is bubbly and friendly and actually talks to me before breaking out the wand. She left me alone to change and as I am sitting on the table waiting for her to come back, I start to panic. I start thinking about how this was the room where we found out that there was no longer a heart beat during out last cycle. But wait, I'd been in this room before, I'd had my sonohystergram here just a few weeks ago...what was different? It was the tech. She had been the ultrasound tech that day as well. I found myself in a tail spin. I didn't want my favorite tech to stimulate such sad and vivid memories. And yet I am sitting on the table, naked from the waste down, looking at the ceiling so the tears don't breech the crest of my lower eyelid. Because I know that if one tear lands on my cheek, I will quickly go into the the ugly sobbing crying. I have been doing very well for several weeks now, but sitting in that room, waiting for her to come back in, I realized how close to the surface those emotions still are. I did manage to hold it together...didn't even need a kleenex.

So 6 resting follicles on each side (I think I had 14 last time), but the scan was so fast, I'm not sure how accurate that is. No free fluid in the uterus, no cysts, no need for blood work this time around. I have the green light to start stims tomorrow am. 1 menop.ur and 150 of f.ollistim in the morning and at night. Follow up ultrasound on Friday and an E2.

Driven by an emotional day, I decided to keep the theme running and told C how I didn't feel comfortable around a lot of his friends. (I thought about this earlier in the day when I stopped by to have lunch with C at his office today after my ultrasound and one of his gaming friends showed up half way through lunch....I got uncomfortable and left pretty abruptly). C is a social chameleon, and can talk about sports, theatre, comic books, many genres of literature, computer gaming, politics, celebrity gossip, etc... Many of his friends are into computer gaming - something I have pretty much zero interest in, so when they start talking all I hear is blah, blah, blah. With his male friends, they are always trying one up the other in insults. He would NEVER talk to me this way, so when I hear him talking to others like that, even if I know everyone is joking around, it makes me uncomfortable. So between gaming talk and insults, I'm usually pretty bored and antsy to leave. This whole topic came up last night because C wanted to go spend the evening with some of his friends next weekend. Now, let me preface this by saying that I love this couple...but both husband and wife are gamers, so there comes a point late in the evening when ALL conversation is about graphic novels and gaming. I try to smile and nod, but honestly I don't even listen. Am I the worst wife ever? So all of this comes up in my conversation with C yesterday. He was very understanding about the whole thing and wanted to know what we should DO about it, all I wanted to do was relax and watch Survivor. I wasn't out to fix any problems last night, I was motivated to say something because of an emotional day compounded by 2 weeks of l.upron. Poor guy, now I have him trying to fix an issue that I really don't give too much thought to until I am faced with spending time with his gaming friends, which is hardly ever.

Holding pattern

I'm in this drawn out holding pattern of down regulation. This part seems to take so long. So now I am down to 10u of L.upron in the am. My attitude about this cycle is so different. Last time I could rattle off all the dates in my head, I knew exactly when I was working and whether or not I was going to have to do my own AM injections on those days. This time around I have to consult my IVF folder a million times to make sure when my u/s appointments are and when I'm decreasing my L.upron. My baseline u/s is this Thursday. Depending on what they find in the u/s I may or may not have bloodwork done on that same day. Stims will start on Saturday, and follow up u/s on Oct 3. Now that I am thinking about my schedule, the timing seems to be a bit bad as I am turning 40 (FORTY!!!) on Oct 1st. Nothing like being juiced up on hormones when I'm about to hit a milestone birthday that I dread. Now, I have never been one to make a big deal about my own birthday, and the numbers have never bothered me (except when I turned 27 - I had a hard time with that one and I have no idea why). But 40 (FORTY!!!) is a different story. Maybe it's the infertility, maybe it is just the number....but I'm freaking out a little bit!

Okay, I've calmed down for the moment.

Tonight I'm going out with for an honest to goodness girl's night out. Granted it is on a Tuesday and I have to work tomorrow, but I'll take it. It has been way too long since I've spent time with just girl friends that has nothing to do with work.

I'm already looking forward to transfer and I'm trying to plan ahead a little. I've read on some blogs that some RE prescribe valium or something similar on the day of transfer. My clinic has not prescribed anything, but I was thinking that might be beneficial for the anxiety of that day. Anyone have any input/experiences they could share with me on this subject?

Meet my friends Dense and Lumpy

I was due for a pap, and the RE wanted to get one in before I cycled. Next thing I know, it turned into a regular annual physical. "Your b.reasts are dense and lumpy" says the APRN. "Gee, thanks!" says me. I made the mistake and said that I would soon be having a mammogram. "Oh, you don't need that until you are 40". "I will turn 40 next month" says me...silly, silly me. Next thing I know, it is 4 days later and I am standing in a small room with a stranger manipulating my b.reasts and squishing them into what I believe was a large playdoh fun factory set up. It wasn't so bad I guess....

I started Lupron today- 20 units. We are on our way!

Trading Places

Yesterday I asked C how many more times he could envision us doing IVF. I have had in my head that we would do a total of 3 fresh cycles and maybe an FET if we had the frosties for it. As my 40th (yes, FORTIETH) birthday looms just around the corner, I've been thinking quite a bit about our family's direction. TTC has consumed almost 3 years of our life. I've changed my job and possibly my career path as a result. C and I have grown closer in ways and more distant in others in the wake of this desperate attempt to grow our family. I know how lucky we are to have our daughter, and there are certainly times that I think - why isn't this enough? I wonder how our life might be different right now if we had not gone in this direction. If you had asked me a year ago how many times I would do IVF the answer would have been "as many as it takes". Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up what could potentially be a couple more years, I'm getting too old for that, and I don't want to miss our life that is going along at what seems light speed. My daughter has been having very rough mornings lately. The other day she ran outside into the yard as my car was pulling out of the driveway (at 5:30 am) crying that she would miss me and wanted to go to work with me....that is killing me. I think on some level she feels the impact of the stress IVF has brought into our house, of the miscarriage..... How could she not feel that? And I don't want to do this to her for very much longer, although ironically part of why we are trying so hard for another child is for her to have a sibling.

Anyway, I digress. So right now, I say 3 fresh cycles. C, who at the beginning of all of this said that we should try this once and see how it goes, says to me yesterday that he would do all the 6 cycles that our insurance will pay, if I am willing and the IVF team continues to be optimistic that this will work for us. Even though we are not really on the same page in regards to how long we will continue this, I was so reassured that he wants this as much as I do. C has been so supportive throughout this whole process and I know that he has an appreciation that so much of the burden (physically and emotionally) falls on me. He is very careful not to assert his position to aggressively, because when it comes down to it, it is my body and I have final say of how much of this I want to take. But to hear him say that he not only "would" but "wants" to go the distance on this, gives me wind to my sails. Right now I feel like we can accomplish anything....look at me I'm ten feet tall and bulletproof! Okay, now I'm getting a little carried away, and I will have to flag this post as the apex of my optimism, especially when I am at the nadir of my cycle.

posting to say nothing

Not a whole lot is going on in the IVF arena, right now just hanging out on BCPs. I have a pap on Thursday (joy!), then Lupron next week. I am more focused on planning our trip to Disney, and connecting with friends that have fallen by the wayside. Consequently, my blogging and keeping up with message boards has suffered, so I apologize for the lack of commenting.

Work is finally getting better most days, I am feeling more comfortable with the job in general, so I'm not so stressed during my drive in. I've also started doing some carpooling which makes the financial pinch of the commute more tolerable.