Nope....

....still haven't talked to C. I just can't do it right now - too much on both of our plates to bring up such a sensitive subject...right now Scarlett O'Hara is my hero, for her ability to "think about it tomorrow".


Z and I had a relaxing day so yesterday - blueberry picking, shopping, lunch followed by ice cream*, then we both took a nap - her cuddled in my arms. Last night we went to a Parents Welcome Evening at Z's pre-school. We met the parents of a little girl named Sophia that will be in Z's class....I am secretly hoping that we will become fast friends - even though the mother has an infant and is remarkably thin - they just seem so nice. Z is very excited about going to school- I'm convinced that there is no way she can be old enough for this to happen already. She has "orientation" tomorrow and starts school next Tuesday- I'm sure I will be a basket case.

*The ice cream comment has made me wonder. I will do whatever I can to have another child - save financial ruin. I know that being overweight can affect fertility - so why is it that I can't lose weight? I am such an emotional eater. If I've had a bad day - it's "pass the Ben and Jerry's, please". Needless to say I have had emotional turmoil over IF for at least a year, and food has been my comfort. There was a time that exercise was cathartic for me. I ran 10K races, I trained with a body builder for awhile, and was proud of my body. Hah! That is so far from the truth these days - and the frustrating part of it is I know I can do it - I've done it before (much like pregnancy). I know that a big (no pun intended) factor is that C is very overweight as well, and not terribly motivated to exercise. I can't take this on alone, and if I can't motivate myself, how is it possible to motivate him? I also want to set a good example for my daughter of healthy eating habits and exercise.

The adenomyosis pain hasn't kicked in yet and I am what I think is 6 dpo (usually the pain starts on 3-4 dpo). I think that I am starting to get some PMS/early preg symptoms like tender bbs- so I have been walking around the house groping myself to make sure. All of this really hasn't done anything for my mental state. Did I imagine the EWCM? (hard to believe that - it was copious). Am I pregnant and the pain is already subsiding? Did all the mucking around with hormones over the last year make it impossible for me have a regular natural cycle? Do C and I need to start at it like rabbits again? (and that brings on a whole new set of questions). Am I in the 2ww? And if yes, when should I POAS? Argggghhhh - I think my head is going to explode.

Change

I'm considering a change....changing the name of this blog to "The Toilet Paper Diaries". My whole life seems to hang in the balance of what I find on the toilet paper. I was bounding along, just fine - even a little happy and light. Then the damn EWCM shows up and I am a mess. Why is it happening so early? Am I ovulating on the right this month? (4 in a row on the left seems like too much to ask). How can I completely rearrange my schedule - without messing up everyone else's- to accommodate this biological change that I have absolutely no control over? In one wipe I go from normal average human being to crazed IFer.

I was doing so well, but now that I haven't done any monitoring....I'm not sure what exactly I should be obsessing over right now. I am actually thankful for my adenomyosis pain, because if I start up with that in the next couple of days, I will know that I did really ovulate early. It is possible that I am in the 2ww right now, and don't even really know it. Maybe I will take Hez's advice and sleep as much as I can, to get through the next couple of weeks.

This weekend went well, hectic, but well. We have been shopping, out to eat, bowling, napping, watched a DVD, scattered with brief relaxation - and that was just Saturday. Sunday was more shopping, manicures with the nieces, errands, watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (or as Z calls it: Chitty Bang BANG), dinner, then the drive back to Vermont. It was quite the whirlwind weekend - it almost always is down there, but most enjoyable. Usually the kids are involved in so many activities that we don't get much time to sit down and talk for any period of time. My eldest niece is 13, and I was able to dole out some much needed advice about boys. I believe the pinnacle of the wisdom I bestowed was that at this age she should not date any boys that ride motorcycles. They are very good kids, but caught up in the "keeping up with the Jones" mentality that comes with living in an affluent community. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that 9 going on 10 years old is a little young to be seriously looking at purchasing a Coach purse.

So now we are back at our humble Vermont abode. I have the morning to myself which I may or may not spend cleaning. Warning: TMI shared in the following...... We had a botched "rendezvous" last night. Both of us were exhausted, and C had some performance issues. These seem to happening a little more frequently in the last couple of months. I know there is a lot of pressure, and I try not to make a big deal of it - because that only adds to the pressure....but when it happens, I am devastated. He only has ONE job in all of this- and of all the things that I endure - his job is not so bad - at least I hope it isn't! I don't feel like I can express to him exactly how big of a deal this is to me, because it will just add to the stress of the situation next time. This morning we hardly spoke. Right as he was walking out the door he grabbed me and gave me a big bear hug, which was needed, but then says "I feel kind of bad about last night". KIND OF?! I know I need to talk with him about this, but I am dreading it.

This is new

Well, I actually lost it tonight at work. I had two patients back to back that have less than desirable prenatal histories (I am putting that very mildly). Both smoke, one admitted to 1.5 packs per day - which we always assume that the patient under reports their actual amount. Both of course were unplanned pregnancies....I could go on, but I won't.

For the last few days I have been in a very good mental place. This "off" cycle has done wonders for me. And even though I know that I've been stressed, I had no idea to what extent until I threw my bbt chart out the window. Maybe it is the extra time in my schedule that I don't have to rush off to doctor's appointments! Maybe it is because the only thing in my "chickie" these days is my DH. (Did I go too far with that one?).

So after my mental collapse at work I go to the bathroom and have monster EWCM. WTF? It is only cd 9! I haven't had any CM changes since we started IUIs so this was a bit of a surprise to say the least. Now we are not doing any monitoring, but I was certainly going to give this the ol' natural try this month. CD9 ovulation does NOT fit into my social/sleep schedule. C is taking Z to the babysitter's this morning so I can sleep. I will only get maybe 4 hours of sleep then I pick her up, come home and pack so as soon as C gets home from work we will drive 2.5 hours to my brother's house for the weekend - where we are watching my 13 and 10 year old nieces for the weekend. So when do we fit in a rendezvous?

Thank you for being there....wherever you are

My poor DH. I have been alternating between a raving bitch and a pathetic wet blanket. The other day he took the afternoon off of work - originally it was going to be for a fun family outing, but it turned into a family errand day. He offered to take Z so I could have the afternoon to myself, but I decided that I really did not need to be alone with my thoughts. Errands with a tired 3 year old and a cranky 38 year old is not a good combination. The expedition ended on a high note - a margarita. (Although I started to get a bit peeved when C told me I should keep the drinks coming....because I needed to relax.....I tried to remind him that the last thing you tell an infertile is to RELAX!)

So now I am in the 4ww I guess. I am waiting for might RE appointment. I received a big ol' packet of information and questionnaires in the mail from the clinic which will keep me busy for a while. The strangest thing for me right now is that I'm not temping, not keeping track of anything. If it weren't for the ticker at the top of my blog, I wouldn't know what cd it is. It is mostly nice, but every once a while the thought creeps in that I am forgetting something....what was it again....oh, yah, I'm forgetting to obsess!

***********************************************
Well, it has taken me 4 days to write this post so far. I have been writing it incrementally and I am amazed at how little I have had to say and the time it has taken me to do so.

Yesterday I saw my therapist, I think she should have only charged me for 1/2 session, because I cried for at least half of it, no talking or therapy happening during that 1/2 hour! But I do feel better - okay, maybe the crying was therapeutic. The feeling of solitude is very overwhelming. I have always had a sufficient supply of friends that I could always find someone to call or visit and talk about my woes. Maybe its the getting older thing - every ones' lives have gone on and they are busy. Two of my good friends that are close in proximity have insane schedules. One is a mother of 4 (ranging from teenagers to age 8), and the other has an infant. I need someone IRL that I can sit down face to face and talk to.....there is really no one right now.....no one that I can rely on to be there at the drop of a hat. C is as always great, but as we all know, sometimes he would be the topic of discussion. Initially I talked about treatment with my friends at work - nobody more supportive than a labor and delivery nurse right? But the deeper I get into this, the less they understand, the more I here "just relax" or "a friend's husband lifted her upside down by her ankles and shook her....and she got pregnant!" (I'm not kidding about the last one...and if I hear it one more time, I will kick her in the shins). Blogging has been a blessing. I am astounded by how many times I read some one's blog and think - "THAT'S IT! I know exactly what they are feeling!" Artblog hit the nail on the head for me this week. I don't really know who I am anymore. Even looking at pictures of me now, the image doesn't match with they way I feel. I used to be the life of the party, easy going, kooky, up for almost any crazy adventure, athletic.....those all feel like distant memories right now. So thank you, thank you for blogging, thank you for commenting and sending hugs and positive thoughts. I don't think that I could make it through this journey without ya'll. There is certainly strength in numbers

ANYWAY, my therapist gave me the name of a massage therapist that does craniosacral therapy - now, in one of my previous careers I was a massage therapist, so while most people I know tend to think that there is "no such thing as a bad massage" I disagree. I am a total and complete massage snob, so I hope she is good.

That reminds me of a joke: How is pizza like sex?....when its good, its GREAT. And when its bad....its still pretty good. (ya know, now that I read that back.....it doesn't really apply after the first year of ttc - maybe it will be funny again one day.)

I have acupuncture this afternoon. It really hasn't helped specifically with my adenomyosis pain or obviously my infertility, but I do enjoy going. It helps my head....which is what I am concentrating on this month- no therapy for anything below the neck for me right now! My daughter provided me with some much needed laughing (and exercise) yesterday. I had just ordered the soundtrack from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" - one of my favorite movies of all times. We put on the music and I was surprised at her immediate reaction - to say she loved it would be a profound understatement. I played "Me Ol' Bam-Boo" about 10 times and the whole time we laughed and danced and ran around like maniacs, C came home from work in the middle of it all and just sat and watched us with a huge smile on his face. Sounds goofy, but it really was a beautiful moment.

Well, I'm off to have lunch with a friend (the one with 4 kids). We haven't sat down for a one on one talk in probably 6 months, maybe even more, I don't really want to be a downer and talk about IF, but it is such a major thing in my life - how can I not? She is one of those few people that when they ask you "So, how are you doing?" She really wants to know the answer.

Here we go again

cd 1.

Not temping. Still crying.

I'm off to my doctors' offices to sign a release so they can sent my records to the (in)fertility clinic.

Out damn spot

I have never cried so hard as I did last night. Right after I clicked the button to publish my last post I went to the bathroom....I'm sure you can see where this is going. There was the faintest of faint spot on the TP. This is how AF usually starts for me. Now, a "normal" woman would probably never even notice this, but as I'm sure all IFers do when expecting AF I would get out a microscope if I had one at each trip to the loo. So the tears just start pouring out of me. I went to bed a proceeded to sob for the next hour. My body was literally shaking - I don't think I have ever cried like that. C just sat there and rubbed my back. I'm glad he didn't ask too many questions, I certainly was in no shape to form words. It took me a couple of minutes to be able to tell him why I was crying. All I said was "I'm spotting".

My parents have been staying with us for the last few days, so when I woke up I had to face my mother all puffy eyed. We ended up having a very good conversation over lunch about the latest in my infertility adventures. She told me that she lost 2 babies because she had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. I never knew this. I told her that I am considering a hysterectomy to solve my adenomyosis pain when we know that we are done with my uterus. My mother had a hysterectomy when she was 39 and told me that it really affected her sexual pleasure. Holy crap! My mother and I DO NOT talk like this. Let me give you a little background. When I was a senior in high school, this was my mother's idea of having the big "sex talk" with me. Mother: "Do you have a questions?" Me: "NO!" Mother: "Let me know if you do". That is as close to talking about sex as we get. But wait - it gets better. She continues to tell me that she has never really been a sexual person and that she would much rather cuddle. But my father on the other hand he is "a real physical person". Me: "Ok, Mom, we just crossed the line". We quickly changed subject. She still thinks that Z is the perfect child (she is) and that it is no big deal that we don't have another. I tried to explain to her that it would be like giving up a 25 year old dream. I think she finally understood when I told her that I love having a brother. When I was in college, my parents lived in Europe. This was back in a time when overseas phone calls cost $2/minute, so I didn't talk to them much. I relied on my brother during those times to dole out advice that I would normally go to my parents about. Family is so important to me and I want to leave that legacy with my daughter.

Anyway, back to the spot. Needless to say I did not POAS (don't have one at home anyway) and I did not call my doctor to talk to him about a beta. I have had more one episode of the same - but actually an even more faint spot and nothing else. I was really expecting to see AF in full glory today....so now my hope goes up a little....but unfortunately I am at the end of my post and I am once again going to go to the bathroom....wish me luck.....

Advice needed

So it is the early morning of the 15th. Still no AF, temp came back up a little today (to 97.8) but I also only had 4 hours of sleep. Dr. O.T. said this was the day for the beta, but I don't know if this is too early. I am 15dpiui, I'm guessing 13dpo. I know I could still get a false negative if I POAS, but is this an appropriate time for b/w?

I have decided to not go back to this doctor for further treatment. As I have said, I work with him and I see how he treats his patients - without much regard usually. I have seen him cut an episiotomy on a women who was yelling "you're not going to cut me are you?" His latest shenanigans have involved a medical review of a case. He is so close to retirement he can smell it and I think he is mentally checked out. Now, he used to teach at Georgetown, and he has been an OB for 45 years - he's no slouch, and I actually really like him during casual conversation. I just think he has his own agenda when it comes to patient care and I no longer want to put the fate of my pregnancy in his hands. SO, my appointment with the RE is Sept 12. I think we will probably take this cycle off - but I am worried about not temping, worried that I would be losing some bit of vital information for our next step. For those of you who have done IUIs - what kind of importance does your RE place on bbt?