cd 3

Welcome to cd3. Isn't this crazy, but I have forgotten off the top of my head if this is my first or second month off of clomid. When did I do that clomid challenge....last month? After being so obsessive about charting for so long, I feel a bit out of control not having the statistics of my cycle as my first and most persistent thought throughout the day. Anyway, so far it has been an exciting cycle....warning....graphic AF description coming. It's red....really red and pretty heavy. Never thought I would be jumping for joy over a heavy period. But, considering for months now AF has lasted only a couple of days and has been almost black....my thought is that my lining is starting to rebound from all the months of clomid (10 cycles since fall of last year). So, what comes with this excitement? hope. There, I said it. There is a piece of me that thinks that clomid was more evil than good, and now that AF is back to normal and I am more "relaxed" (yes, I know, I said the "r" word) especially since I am likely going to take this new job, that there is hope that we can still do this the natural way. Don't worry, the excitement and hope won't stick around for long, I'm sure, but I'm going to embrace them while they are here - rather than escorting them to the door.

I have an appointment to talk with my boss on Monday morning re: new job opportunity. I know that she will understand, but it is going to be a difficult conversation. We are already short staffed, with little hope of finding experienced nurses for the holes in the schedule that we already have. I have a strong sense of loyalty to this department and I hate the idea of leaving them in a time of need.....but I have to put my family first.

Out damn spot

I have never cried so hard as I did last night. Right after I clicked the button to publish my last post I went to the bathroom....I'm sure you can see where this is going. There was the faintest of faint spot on the TP. This is how AF usually starts for me. Now, a "normal" woman would probably never even notice this, but as I'm sure all IFers do when expecting AF I would get out a microscope if I had one at each trip to the loo. So the tears just start pouring out of me. I went to bed a proceeded to sob for the next hour. My body was literally shaking - I don't think I have ever cried like that. C just sat there and rubbed my back. I'm glad he didn't ask too many questions, I certainly was in no shape to form words. It took me a couple of minutes to be able to tell him why I was crying. All I said was "I'm spotting".

My parents have been staying with us for the last few days, so when I woke up I had to face my mother all puffy eyed. We ended up having a very good conversation over lunch about the latest in my infertility adventures. She told me that she lost 2 babies because she had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. I never knew this. I told her that I am considering a hysterectomy to solve my adenomyosis pain when we know that we are done with my uterus. My mother had a hysterectomy when she was 39 and told me that it really affected her sexual pleasure. Holy crap! My mother and I DO NOT talk like this. Let me give you a little background. When I was a senior in high school, this was my mother's idea of having the big "sex talk" with me. Mother: "Do you have a questions?" Me: "NO!" Mother: "Let me know if you do". That is as close to talking about sex as we get. But wait - it gets better. She continues to tell me that she has never really been a sexual person and that she would much rather cuddle. But my father on the other hand he is "a real physical person". Me: "Ok, Mom, we just crossed the line". We quickly changed subject. She still thinks that Z is the perfect child (she is) and that it is no big deal that we don't have another. I tried to explain to her that it would be like giving up a 25 year old dream. I think she finally understood when I told her that I love having a brother. When I was in college, my parents lived in Europe. This was back in a time when overseas phone calls cost $2/minute, so I didn't talk to them much. I relied on my brother during those times to dole out advice that I would normally go to my parents about. Family is so important to me and I want to leave that legacy with my daughter.

Anyway, back to the spot. Needless to say I did not POAS (don't have one at home anyway) and I did not call my doctor to talk to him about a beta. I have had more one episode of the same - but actually an even more faint spot and nothing else. I was really expecting to see AF in full glory today....so now my hope goes up a little....but unfortunately I am at the end of my post and I am once again going to go to the bathroom....wish me luck.....