I have never cried so hard as I did last night. Right after I clicked the button to publish my last post I went to the bathroom....I'm sure you can see where this is going. There was the faintest of faint spot on the TP. This is how AF usually starts for me. Now, a "normal" woman would probably never even notice this, but as I'm sure all IFers do when expecting AF I would get out a microscope if I had one at each trip to the loo. So the tears just start pouring out of me. I went to bed a proceeded to sob for the next hour. My body was literally shaking - I don't think I have ever cried like that. C just sat there and rubbed my back. I'm glad he didn't ask too many questions, I certainly was in no shape to form words. It took me a couple of minutes to be able to tell him why I was crying. All I said was "I'm spotting".
My parents have been staying with us for the last few days, so when I woke up I had to face my mother all puffy eyed. We ended up having a very good conversation over lunch about the latest in my infertility adventures. She told me that she lost 2 babies because she had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. I never knew this. I told her that I am considering a hysterectomy to solve my adenomyosis pain when we know that we are done with my uterus. My mother had a hysterectomy when she was 39 and told me that it really affected her sexual pleasure. Holy crap! My mother and I DO NOT talk like this. Let me give you a little background. When I was a senior in high school, this was my mother's idea of having the big "sex talk" with me. Mother: "Do you have a questions?" Me: "NO!" Mother: "Let me know if you do". That is as close to talking about sex as we get. But wait - it gets better. She continues to tell me that she has never really been a sexual person and that she would much rather cuddle. But my father on the other hand he is "a real physical person". Me: "Ok, Mom, we just crossed the line". We quickly changed subject. She still thinks that Z is the perfect child (she is) and that it is no big deal that we don't have another. I tried to explain to her that it would be like giving up a 25 year old dream. I think she finally understood when I told her that I love having a brother. When I was in college, my parents lived in Europe. This was back in a time when overseas phone calls cost $2/minute, so I didn't talk to them much. I relied on my brother during those times to dole out advice that I would normally go to my parents about. Family is so important to me and I want to leave that legacy with my daughter.
Anyway, back to the spot. Needless to say I did not POAS (don't have one at home anyway) and I did not call my doctor to talk to him about a beta. I have had more one episode of the same - but actually an even more faint spot and nothing else. I was really expecting to see AF in full glory today....so now my hope goes up a little....but unfortunately I am at the end of my post and I am once again going to go to the bathroom....wish me luck.....
Showing posts with label adenomyosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adenomyosis. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
The case of the missing zit
I usually get a monster zit the week before AF. It's one of those large underground ones that pop up in the strangest places; behind the ear, in the hairline on the back of my neck, in my nose crease. Sometimes it is right in plain site on my chin or forehead. So far - no zit. I am expecting AF either today or tomorrow so my obsessing is really kicking into high gear. My bbt has also been very strange this month. My highest temp was only 98.2 and it has dropped a few tenths slowly over the last couple of days. I can't really tell when it has gone below coverline, and there hasn't been the dramatic shifts that I usually see - and I'm not sure if that is good or bad.
C and I had an interesting conversation the other day about our long term plans. We go to the RE next month, but we both agree we will only do 2 more IUIs- unless something is revealed in further testing that would make it worth our while to do a couple more. IVF is probably not in the picture for us, unless we come into a windfall of money. We really need to have an expiration date on our efforts to conceive one way or the other because the only definitive treatment for my adenomyosis is a hysterectomy. I cannot continue to live with this pain month after month, it is affecting my work, my relationships and at times my ability to care for Z. We've discussed adoption, even before there were IF issues. But, the more I read about adoption, the more I am discouraged. It could be years before an infant was available, I know there are older children that need good homes, but I can't quite conceptualize adopting a toddler or school aged child. It feels so selfish to admit that, but right now that is how I feel. I find it amusing (not really the right word) that the advice-givers of the world will tell the IFers to "just adopt". Like it is as easy as going to the store to pick out the perfect child. Do they not understand that 1. it can be more expensive than IVF, 2. many children have significant maternal histories of mental illness or substance abuse, 3. adoption is not a sure thing - especially for us older folks 4. the potential complications of inter-racial adoptions (which would most likely be the case), anyway the list goes on. I feel like Debbie Downer, but this is the reality. Adoption is no longer the "fall back plan" that many people think it is.
So then I think of Z being an only child and it breaks my heart. The other day we were at a park and she followed 3 sisters around, too timid to jump right in a play with them - but wanting to be invited. I'm not ready to accept that she will be an only child, we may be coming to the end of IF treatments, and adoption is looking bleak. So where does that leave me/us - in limbo I guess. How do people do this? How do people make these incredible life decisions? I'm not one to pussyfoot around either. Make a decision. Start action. It should be that easy. Of course rattling around in the back of my head is the thought that if I start having these conversations, making the appointments and starting a new plan, then I won't really need it, that I will finally have my BFP.
C and I had an interesting conversation the other day about our long term plans. We go to the RE next month, but we both agree we will only do 2 more IUIs- unless something is revealed in further testing that would make it worth our while to do a couple more. IVF is probably not in the picture for us, unless we come into a windfall of money. We really need to have an expiration date on our efforts to conceive one way or the other because the only definitive treatment for my adenomyosis is a hysterectomy. I cannot continue to live with this pain month after month, it is affecting my work, my relationships and at times my ability to care for Z. We've discussed adoption, even before there were IF issues. But, the more I read about adoption, the more I am discouraged. It could be years before an infant was available, I know there are older children that need good homes, but I can't quite conceptualize adopting a toddler or school aged child. It feels so selfish to admit that, but right now that is how I feel. I find it amusing (not really the right word) that the advice-givers of the world will tell the IFers to "just adopt". Like it is as easy as going to the store to pick out the perfect child. Do they not understand that 1. it can be more expensive than IVF, 2. many children have significant maternal histories of mental illness or substance abuse, 3. adoption is not a sure thing - especially for us older folks 4. the potential complications of inter-racial adoptions (which would most likely be the case), anyway the list goes on. I feel like Debbie Downer, but this is the reality. Adoption is no longer the "fall back plan" that many people think it is.
So then I think of Z being an only child and it breaks my heart. The other day we were at a park and she followed 3 sisters around, too timid to jump right in a play with them - but wanting to be invited. I'm not ready to accept that she will be an only child, we may be coming to the end of IF treatments, and adoption is looking bleak. So where does that leave me/us - in limbo I guess. How do people do this? How do people make these incredible life decisions? I'm not one to pussyfoot around either. Make a decision. Start action. It should be that easy. Of course rattling around in the back of my head is the thought that if I start having these conversations, making the appointments and starting a new plan, then I won't really need it, that I will finally have my BFP.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Good news and Bad news
Thanks for the support Hez! The good news is that this 2ww is flying by, the bad news is it is because I have been so freakin' busy I can't see straight. I am working a nightmare schedule: 3 nights on (12 hour shifts), one night off, then another 3 nights on. Adding insult to injury we have been super busy at work. I come home in the morning and crash, sleep for 5 hours, lay in bed and try to will myself to sleep for a couple more, abandon the effort and get out of bed to have dinner and shower, then go back to work. I feel like I haven't seen my family in weeks. I did get some fun cuddle time with my daughter today while I was trying to sleep. We were lying there face to face and she puts her hand on my shoulder, pats it gently and whispers "Momma, you're my best friend". Life really doesn't get any better than that.
My adenomyosis pain started up last week almost on cue - actually a day earlier than expected. I swear I can manipulate any situation in my head. For example: In the past whenever I started up with the adenomyosis pain, I always thought that meant that that cycle was a bust and I abandon all hope at that point. Then I heard that the pain might not go away right away or even completely. Normally this pain lasts for a week or so, and is so painful that I am doubled over crying. (I pride myself as a pretty tough person. I once walked 60 miles in 3 days in a walk for breast cancer, 40 of those miles, I found out later, I had a broken ankle). Anyway, this month the pain is definitely there, I still need my hot pack, but there have been no tears. Good news right? Not so much, the way I twist it around in my head. I have now convinced myself that the reason why my pain isn't so bad is because my lining is so poor. (Adenomyosis is the growth of endometrial tissue in the wall of the uterus). With everything that we had going during the IUI this time around, I forgot to ask Dr. O.T. if he measured the lining. I think he just glances at it, I've never seen him measure it.
*warning death and cancer mentioned in detail in the following paragraph*
This Friday will be 14/15 dpiui. The day that AF will likely arrive. It is also the 3rd anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. She died from ovarian cancer 12 days after my daughter was born. Our next child (God willing) will be named after her in some form or fashion. This whole time of year is very emotionally charged for me. I try not to focus on the day of her death, but it is difficult. When I think about my birth experience, it is wrapped up with threads of my friend's death. The day I delivered was the day she was put into Hospice care. I lived 2 hours away, I had had a C-section and Z was kept in the hospital for several days due to jaundice so I couldn't run down there to be by her side. Early in her diagnosis I was the one who spent the nights holding her hand in the hospital. I was there for every surgery, the head shaving, the puking, the chemo. It was so hard to be so over the moon happy about the birth of my daughter, and devastated by the knowledge of her imminent death. Z did get a chance to meet her, briefly. Four days before she passed we made the trip to see her, for me to say good-bye. She was on morphine and not terribly coherent. When I told her I was going to take Z back out to my husband, she said "just wait, I want to look at her a little more." It was the last time she made a real cohesive sentence. We did not have a funeral, we had a celebration of her life - that was on my original due date.
So this 2ww is going by quickly, but not really in the way that I hoped it would. I had a mini-melt down today. Partially I'm sure is pure exhaustion, part emotional, part hormonal - a pretty deadly combination for DH!
Back to some more good news. Next weekend our family will be heading to Boston for a short and sweet visit with my best friend J and her family. J is a former IFer, still involved in Resolve down in Austin, TX. She has been my touch stone during all of this. She is also the one who recommended that I read some blogs - I never thought at the time that I would actually be writing one. I am so thankful that I have found this community of strong women who are willing to share such an intimate part of there lives.
My adenomyosis pain started up last week almost on cue - actually a day earlier than expected. I swear I can manipulate any situation in my head. For example: In the past whenever I started up with the adenomyosis pain, I always thought that meant that that cycle was a bust and I abandon all hope at that point. Then I heard that the pain might not go away right away or even completely. Normally this pain lasts for a week or so, and is so painful that I am doubled over crying. (I pride myself as a pretty tough person. I once walked 60 miles in 3 days in a walk for breast cancer, 40 of those miles, I found out later, I had a broken ankle). Anyway, this month the pain is definitely there, I still need my hot pack, but there have been no tears. Good news right? Not so much, the way I twist it around in my head. I have now convinced myself that the reason why my pain isn't so bad is because my lining is so poor. (Adenomyosis is the growth of endometrial tissue in the wall of the uterus). With everything that we had going during the IUI this time around, I forgot to ask Dr. O.T. if he measured the lining. I think he just glances at it, I've never seen him measure it.
*warning death and cancer mentioned in detail in the following paragraph*
This Friday will be 14/15 dpiui. The day that AF will likely arrive. It is also the 3rd anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. She died from ovarian cancer 12 days after my daughter was born. Our next child (God willing) will be named after her in some form or fashion. This whole time of year is very emotionally charged for me. I try not to focus on the day of her death, but it is difficult. When I think about my birth experience, it is wrapped up with threads of my friend's death. The day I delivered was the day she was put into Hospice care. I lived 2 hours away, I had had a C-section and Z was kept in the hospital for several days due to jaundice so I couldn't run down there to be by her side. Early in her diagnosis I was the one who spent the nights holding her hand in the hospital. I was there for every surgery, the head shaving, the puking, the chemo. It was so hard to be so over the moon happy about the birth of my daughter, and devastated by the knowledge of her imminent death. Z did get a chance to meet her, briefly. Four days before she passed we made the trip to see her, for me to say good-bye. She was on morphine and not terribly coherent. When I told her I was going to take Z back out to my husband, she said "just wait, I want to look at her a little more." It was the last time she made a real cohesive sentence. We did not have a funeral, we had a celebration of her life - that was on my original due date.
So this 2ww is going by quickly, but not really in the way that I hoped it would. I had a mini-melt down today. Partially I'm sure is pure exhaustion, part emotional, part hormonal - a pretty deadly combination for DH!
Back to some more good news. Next weekend our family will be heading to Boston for a short and sweet visit with my best friend J and her family. J is a former IFer, still involved in Resolve down in Austin, TX. She has been my touch stone during all of this. She is also the one who recommended that I read some blogs - I never thought at the time that I would actually be writing one. I am so thankful that I have found this community of strong women who are willing to share such an intimate part of there lives.
Monday, July 9, 2007
A day of rest
Z's Birthday Cake
The last of the family left today. My intentions were to clean the house....but you know what they say about good intentions. I opted for a different plan which included eating myself into an oblivion using left over party food then taking a nap. I did actually shower - which so far is my biggest accomplishment today.
Z's party was awesome. Bigger than I thought is was going to be 23 people in total I think. We were suppose to get some heavy rain, but it held off until later in the afternoon. Later in the evening we played video games on the Wii. It is the only game that I actually like to watch people playing as much as playing it myself. The next night my MIL and my mom actually really got into playing. It was a hoot to watch.
So back to IF stuff. I guess I am 3 dpo. I'm not really sure when to count from these days. My trigger injection was on Wednesday morning, IUI Thursday night and Friday morning. Dr. O.T. said that I probably ovulated sometime Friday morning so that is when I am counting from. Stupid me did not take my temperature on Thursday or Friday, and I am not doing opk's anymore. I did have a temperature shift on Saturday. Absolutely no CM change to speak of. Any suggestions of when I should say I ovulated? I am now waiting for my adenomyosis pain to start, it should begin on Wednesday. So far I have avoided twoweekwait.com, but I think I hear it calling my name. Last month I had some classic symptoms, fatigue, nausea, tender breasts, non-AF cramping.....but got a BFN. I don't think that I will be as obsessive this month, especially in light of this month's IUI snafus. Oh who am I kidding.....obsession should be my middle name.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Babies in the sky
I've been anticipating it for a few days now, and here it is: adenomyosis pain. It started late last night and woke me up off and on. It only lasts for about 15-20 minutes at a time, but can happen every hour for several hours. Sometimes it only strikes a few times a day, but other times it seems like I am in the fetal position with a hot water bottle for the majority of the day. Usually this goes on for a week. So far it hasn't been too frequent, but pretty intense. Since I am now in the 2ww, I hate to take anything for the pain - not that there is much that will help - but a Tylenol with codeine or an ambien to help me sleep certainly didn't hurt before we were ttc. I won't take anything now that will jeopardize or harm a potential pregnancy - so my bbf is my hot water bottle. Still no other symptoms, no tender bbs, no bleeding gums, no unusual fatigue....just a few lingering twinges here and there. I could say that I'm a little bloated - and I'm sure the potato chips had NOTHING to do with it.
We left the Cape around noon on Thurs, got stuck in traffic for a wicked accident and made it back home around 5. Then it was off to bed for a few hour nap and here I now sit at 4 am at work. No craziness happening tonight - thank goodness.
I wish I could say that the time away took my mind off the waiting and the analyzing every little twinge, but it didn't. On the drive home I gazed up into the sky and saw these beautiful puffy clouds. One might see a bunny or another woodland creature in the sky, but what is the first thing that I see - a baby. It struck me then and there how much this is on my mind. No real surprise I guess, I'm blogging, I'm reading blogs and I'm going onto websites like twoweekwait.com and fertilityfriend.com. Somehow seeing babies in the sky really shone a light on my obsession. Mind you, I don't plan on doing anything differently, I am just aware.
We left the Cape around noon on Thurs, got stuck in traffic for a wicked accident and made it back home around 5. Then it was off to bed for a few hour nap and here I now sit at 4 am at work. No craziness happening tonight - thank goodness.
I wish I could say that the time away took my mind off the waiting and the analyzing every little twinge, but it didn't. On the drive home I gazed up into the sky and saw these beautiful puffy clouds. One might see a bunny or another woodland creature in the sky, but what is the first thing that I see - a baby. It struck me then and there how much this is on my mind. No real surprise I guess, I'm blogging, I'm reading blogs and I'm going onto websites like twoweekwait.com and fertilityfriend.com. Somehow seeing babies in the sky really shone a light on my obsession. Mind you, I don't plan on doing anything differently, I am just aware.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Wonderings
Today was pretty low key. We all slept in, even my daughter. Must be the weather. It is cold, overcast and looks like it will rain any minute. We went to an indoor pool, then to a park while my dad played in a softball game in an "Old Timer's" league. Nothing too exciting, but that is certainly okay with me. We leave tomorrow after lunch. We will get home just in time for me to go to sleep for couple of hours then go to work for the night. I usually work 12 hour shifts and tomorrow I will work an 8 - so the night should fly by.
Spending this time with my mom makes me wonder what my daughter will be like in the years to come. My mom and I couldn't be more different. She has never worked - although she has a B.S. in Chemistry (I SUCK at Chemistry - my only D in college, and I work full time), she hates to shop (I believe strongly in retail therapy), the only name brand items she has in her possession comes from the thrift shop - where she works (I have a personal relationship with Coach, Talbots, etc). I love my mom, I do. And I admire how simply she lives her life, with virtually no regard for materialistic needs. She saved a receipt from her grocery trip the other day where she saved 59% by buying items on sale. So I wonder what my daughter will choose to disregard when she is older - hopefully it will be something as benign as shopping.
I took a 2 hour nap today. My first thought was that...Oooh, I'm tired, this must be an early pregnancy symptom (damn you twoweekwait.com!). But- I stayed up until 1:30 am last night. And I am almost ALWAYS tired - working full time nights will do that to a gal. My adenomyosis pain has not kicked in yet, just a few little twinges. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.
Thank you for comments, it is very comforting to me to know that there are women out there that can relate to what I am going through.
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