I feel like I am a new person, maybe even a little of the "old" me....the fertile me. C did my laundry last night. I can get pretty wound up about the handling of certain clothes (ex: I don't want my scrubs to sit in the dryer too long because they will wrinkle quickly, and there are certain sweater/shirts that I want either dried on a low setting or drip dried). To make a very long story short, there was a small snafu involving a pair of jeans and a sweater. Here's the kicker - I did not get mad, I didn't snap. I simply asked C to make an adjustment for next time. Later in the day there was another incident - although I don't even remember what it was - and I felt so calm...and not angry. What a pleasant change (both for me a C).
We are at the decision stage. No real action going on here right now. I just finished my clomid challenge and had blood work drawn yesterday morning. We are waiting for the results of b/w and SA, then we will formulate a real plan. In the meantime, I have gotten my references in order and I am in the process of doing an online application to the big scary hospital that is not so scary after all. I hope to be able to submit everything by early next week. I have to do a little research into getting my nursing license in another state. I'm hoping it is as simple as one page paperwork and a fee.
This weekend we are off to my brother's for a big family reunion. We have family coming in from Colorado that I haven't seen since our wedding 6 years ago. We will still work on ttc the old fashioned way (which of course means this weekend while we are at my brother's- luckily our usual sleeping arrangements put us in the basement far away from everyone). But the stress and anticipation and planning are minimal. I may even go crazy and have a beer...or four.
With the prospect of a new plan, the IVF plan, I find myself searching blogs to find those that are in my boat: advanced maternal age (hate that label), secondary infertility, adenomyosis, and IVF. If anyone has some suggested blogs that are not already on my list, please drop me the link.
Showing posts with label secondary infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label secondary infertility. Show all posts
Friday, September 21, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
hot topic
I find myself trying to justify the tribulations we are voluntarily putting ourselves through in order to have another child. Mind you I do not feel the need to search for validation within myself, but to everyone else. I had thought that I found a safe place to land in this community of infertility. Lately I have been clicking on links of blogs that take me 3-4 blogs away from my original search or favorite's list. There is the hot topic out there of primary vs. secondary infertility, and honestly I am starting to feel a little unwelcome by some. I'm not going to get on any kind of soap box. When people feel so passionately about something, I have little confidence that anything will change their minds. And let me also be clear, I don't want to change anyone's mind, maybe just offer a little different perspective.
My friend who passed away of ovarian cancer 3 years ago used to talk about taking her own life at the end, when her quality of life was not acceptable for her. She also talked about not going through chemo again. She heard a lot of "I would never do that" or "I would want to fight it to the end". Her comment was simple: you don't know what you would do, until you are in that very situation. Those who say "I would just be happy with one", maybe you will, maybe you won't. There is no telling until you are truly faced with these decisions, that they are no longer hypothetical. In the end, my friend changed her mind, she did have more chemo and cancer, not hemlock, took her life. We are also entitled to change our minds and adapt our philosophies as our environment, lives and world changes around us. Speaking in absolutes is dangerous way to go through life.
Anyway, enough of that. I am seriously considering a job change in order to have coverage for IVF. I started updating my resume yesterday.
My friend who passed away of ovarian cancer 3 years ago used to talk about taking her own life at the end, when her quality of life was not acceptable for her. She also talked about not going through chemo again. She heard a lot of "I would never do that" or "I would want to fight it to the end". Her comment was simple: you don't know what you would do, until you are in that very situation. Those who say "I would just be happy with one", maybe you will, maybe you won't. There is no telling until you are truly faced with these decisions, that they are no longer hypothetical. In the end, my friend changed her mind, she did have more chemo and cancer, not hemlock, took her life. We are also entitled to change our minds and adapt our philosophies as our environment, lives and world changes around us. Speaking in absolutes is dangerous way to go through life.
Anyway, enough of that. I am seriously considering a job change in order to have coverage for IVF. I started updating my resume yesterday.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
RE visit
Hmmmmm....where, oh where do I begin?
Today we went to the big scary (in)fertility clinic at the big scary teaching/research hospital. The long and short of it is: IVF is likely to be the only logical choice for our next step. We met with a very nice, very informative nurse practitioner. She laughed when I asked about BBTs and endometrial biopsies. She also said that I was "way beyond" clomid as treatment. She was nice enough not to use a biological clock analogy, but she echoed my concerns about my age. After all, my infertility problems are not going to get any better the older I get. So I have my order for cd 3 b/w which will be tomorrow, clomid challenge on days 5-9, then repeat b/w next Thursday. C will have an SA next week, then I think I have to have an u/s, but I'm not sure on what day. I left with my head spinning from all the information, some of the details are a little fuzzy right now. As long as my fsh is not too high (it was around 4 last fall), then she strongly recommends IVF. My big hesitation about IVF has always been the money. We met with the financial person and got the breakdown on costs: $7,950 for all office visits, ultrasounds, procedures and blood work. Then there is the a la carte choices like embryo freezing, ICSI, embryo storage fees. Medications are separate and run between $3,000 and $5,000. So when all is said and done - one cycle = about $13,000. Right now I am paying about $400 per IUI cycle as they have been billing my u/s as diagnostic. However, if we do IUI with injectables(because I am "way beyond" clomid) then costs for IUI would run about $5,000. The stinker part of the IUI is there would not be a guarantee that I will ovulate on the left, so that $5,000 might as well be flushed down the toilet. At least with IVF we would bypass the tubes (or tube, rather).
So how do we pay for this, if we decide to move forward? The nurse practitioner patted me on the leg at one point and told me that if I worked at the big scary teaching/research hospital then IVF treatments are covered up to $35,000. As soon as I got home I looked on the job postings, and there is a couple of positions open on their childbirth center. C (who right now owns his own business) really stepped up to the plate and said that he would look for full or part time work at the big scary hospital too. He said that I was shouldering enough of this burden, that it shouldn't all be on me to finance this too. I would marry him all over again! I also happen to look at IT postings and there are a couple of jobs that he would be suited for as well.
Now, there are quite a few positives about changing jobs for both of us, including opportunities for career advancement, increased pay, for me- access to state of the art medical technology and medical staff. The major negative is that the big scary hospital is an hour away. If C took a job there, we would lose our flexibility in scheduling daycare and quick getaways. If I took a job there, I would be away from home too much. Unless I worked there 20 hours per week (minimum hours for full benefits) and then worked per diem at my current hospital. There is so much to think about, I'm don't know how we will make this decision. I'm trying to just take this one step at a time. First we have to get through the lab work to see what we are dealing with. I'm guessing that we will not be really doing anything for at least a couple of months. There are some other options for creative financing, but I think that they would be a little irresponsible and potentially put us in the poor house.
Today we went to the big scary (in)fertility clinic at the big scary teaching/research hospital. The long and short of it is: IVF is likely to be the only logical choice for our next step. We met with a very nice, very informative nurse practitioner. She laughed when I asked about BBTs and endometrial biopsies. She also said that I was "way beyond" clomid as treatment. She was nice enough not to use a biological clock analogy, but she echoed my concerns about my age. After all, my infertility problems are not going to get any better the older I get. So I have my order for cd 3 b/w which will be tomorrow, clomid challenge on days 5-9, then repeat b/w next Thursday. C will have an SA next week, then I think I have to have an u/s, but I'm not sure on what day. I left with my head spinning from all the information, some of the details are a little fuzzy right now. As long as my fsh is not too high (it was around 4 last fall), then she strongly recommends IVF. My big hesitation about IVF has always been the money. We met with the financial person and got the breakdown on costs: $7,950 for all office visits, ultrasounds, procedures and blood work. Then there is the a la carte choices like embryo freezing, ICSI, embryo storage fees. Medications are separate and run between $3,000 and $5,000. So when all is said and done - one cycle = about $13,000. Right now I am paying about $400 per IUI cycle as they have been billing my u/s as diagnostic. However, if we do IUI with injectables(because I am "way beyond" clomid) then costs for IUI would run about $5,000. The stinker part of the IUI is there would not be a guarantee that I will ovulate on the left, so that $5,000 might as well be flushed down the toilet. At least with IVF we would bypass the tubes (or tube, rather).
So how do we pay for this, if we decide to move forward? The nurse practitioner patted me on the leg at one point and told me that if I worked at the big scary teaching/research hospital then IVF treatments are covered up to $35,000. As soon as I got home I looked on the job postings, and there is a couple of positions open on their childbirth center. C (who right now owns his own business) really stepped up to the plate and said that he would look for full or part time work at the big scary hospital too. He said that I was shouldering enough of this burden, that it shouldn't all be on me to finance this too. I would marry him all over again! I also happen to look at IT postings and there are a couple of jobs that he would be suited for as well.
Now, there are quite a few positives about changing jobs for both of us, including opportunities for career advancement, increased pay, for me- access to state of the art medical technology and medical staff. The major negative is that the big scary hospital is an hour away. If C took a job there, we would lose our flexibility in scheduling daycare and quick getaways. If I took a job there, I would be away from home too much. Unless I worked there 20 hours per week (minimum hours for full benefits) and then worked per diem at my current hospital. There is so much to think about, I'm don't know how we will make this decision. I'm trying to just take this one step at a time. First we have to get through the lab work to see what we are dealing with. I'm guessing that we will not be really doing anything for at least a couple of months. There are some other options for creative financing, but I think that they would be a little irresponsible and potentially put us in the poor house.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Thank you for being there....wherever you are
My poor DH. I have been alternating between a raving bitch and a pathetic wet blanket. The other day he took the afternoon off of work - originally it was going to be for a fun family outing, but it turned into a family errand day. He offered to take Z so I could have the afternoon to myself, but I decided that I really did not need to be alone with my thoughts. Errands with a tired 3 year old and a cranky 38 year old is not a good combination. The expedition ended on a high note - a margarita. (Although I started to get a bit peeved when C told me I should keep the drinks coming....because I needed to relax.....I tried to remind him that the last thing you tell an infertile is to RELAX!)
So now I am in the 4ww I guess. I am waiting for might RE appointment. I received a big ol' packet of information and questionnaires in the mail from the clinic which will keep me busy for a while. The strangest thing for me right now is that I'm not temping, not keeping track of anything. If it weren't for the ticker at the top of my blog, I wouldn't know what cd it is. It is mostly nice, but every once a while the thought creeps in that I am forgetting something....what was it again....oh, yah, I'm forgetting to obsess!
***********************************************
Well, it has taken me 4 days to write this post so far. I have been writing it incrementally and I am amazed at how little I have had to say and the time it has taken me to do so.
Yesterday I saw my therapist, I think she should have only charged me for 1/2 session, because I cried for at least half of it, no talking or therapy happening during that 1/2 hour! But I do feel better - okay, maybe the crying was therapeutic. The feeling of solitude is very overwhelming. I have always had a sufficient supply of friends that I could always find someone to call or visit and talk about my woes. Maybe its the getting older thing - every ones' lives have gone on and they are busy. Two of my good friends that are close in proximity have insane schedules. One is a mother of 4 (ranging from teenagers to age 8), and the other has an infant. I need someone IRL that I can sit down face to face and talk to.....there is really no one right now.....no one that I can rely on to be there at the drop of a hat. C is as always great, but as we all know, sometimes he would be the topic of discussion. Initially I talked about treatment with my friends at work - nobody more supportive than a labor and delivery nurse right? But the deeper I get into this, the less they understand, the more I here "just relax" or "a friend's husband lifted her upside down by her ankles and shook her....and she got pregnant!" (I'm not kidding about the last one...and if I hear it one more time, I will kick her in the shins). Blogging has been a blessing. I am astounded by how many times I read some one's blog and think - "THAT'S IT! I know exactly what they are feeling!" Artblog hit the nail on the head for me this week. I don't really know who I am anymore. Even looking at pictures of me now, the image doesn't match with they way I feel. I used to be the life of the party, easy going, kooky, up for almost any crazy adventure, athletic.....those all feel like distant memories right now. So thank you, thank you for blogging, thank you for commenting and sending hugs and positive thoughts. I don't think that I could make it through this journey without ya'll. There is certainly strength in numbers
ANYWAY, my therapist gave me the name of a massage therapist that does craniosacral therapy - now, in one of my previous careers I was a massage therapist, so while most people I know tend to think that there is "no such thing as a bad massage" I disagree. I am a total and complete massage snob, so I hope she is good.
That reminds me of a joke: How is pizza like sex?....when its good, its GREAT. And when its bad....its still pretty good. (ya know, now that I read that back.....it doesn't really apply after the first year of ttc - maybe it will be funny again one day.)
I have acupuncture this afternoon. It really hasn't helped specifically with my adenomyosis pain or obviously my infertility, but I do enjoy going. It helps my head....which is what I am concentrating on this month- no therapy for anything below the neck for me right now! My daughter provided me with some much needed laughing (and exercise) yesterday. I had just ordered the soundtrack from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" - one of my favorite movies of all times. We put on the music and I was surprised at her immediate reaction - to say she loved it would be a profound understatement. I played "Me Ol' Bam-Boo" about 10 times and the whole time we laughed and danced and ran around like maniacs, C came home from work in the middle of it all and just sat and watched us with a huge smile on his face. Sounds goofy, but it really was a beautiful moment.
Well, I'm off to have lunch with a friend (the one with 4 kids). We haven't sat down for a one on one talk in probably 6 months, maybe even more, I don't really want to be a downer and talk about IF, but it is such a major thing in my life - how can I not? She is one of those few people that when they ask you "So, how are you doing?" She really wants to know the answer.
So now I am in the 4ww I guess. I am waiting for might RE appointment. I received a big ol' packet of information and questionnaires in the mail from the clinic which will keep me busy for a while. The strangest thing for me right now is that I'm not temping, not keeping track of anything. If it weren't for the ticker at the top of my blog, I wouldn't know what cd it is. It is mostly nice, but every once a while the thought creeps in that I am forgetting something....what was it again....oh, yah, I'm forgetting to obsess!
***********************************************
Well, it has taken me 4 days to write this post so far. I have been writing it incrementally and I am amazed at how little I have had to say and the time it has taken me to do so.
Yesterday I saw my therapist, I think she should have only charged me for 1/2 session, because I cried for at least half of it, no talking or therapy happening during that 1/2 hour! But I do feel better - okay, maybe the crying was therapeutic. The feeling of solitude is very overwhelming. I have always had a sufficient supply of friends that I could always find someone to call or visit and talk about my woes. Maybe its the getting older thing - every ones' lives have gone on and they are busy. Two of my good friends that are close in proximity have insane schedules. One is a mother of 4 (ranging from teenagers to age 8), and the other has an infant. I need someone IRL that I can sit down face to face and talk to.....there is really no one right now.....no one that I can rely on to be there at the drop of a hat. C is as always great, but as we all know, sometimes he would be the topic of discussion. Initially I talked about treatment with my friends at work - nobody more supportive than a labor and delivery nurse right? But the deeper I get into this, the less they understand, the more I here "just relax" or "a friend's husband lifted her upside down by her ankles and shook her....and she got pregnant!" (I'm not kidding about the last one...and if I hear it one more time, I will kick her in the shins). Blogging has been a blessing. I am astounded by how many times I read some one's blog and think - "THAT'S IT! I know exactly what they are feeling!" Artblog hit the nail on the head for me this week. I don't really know who I am anymore. Even looking at pictures of me now, the image doesn't match with they way I feel. I used to be the life of the party, easy going, kooky, up for almost any crazy adventure, athletic.....those all feel like distant memories right now. So thank you, thank you for blogging, thank you for commenting and sending hugs and positive thoughts. I don't think that I could make it through this journey without ya'll. There is certainly strength in numbers
ANYWAY, my therapist gave me the name of a massage therapist that does craniosacral therapy - now, in one of my previous careers I was a massage therapist, so while most people I know tend to think that there is "no such thing as a bad massage" I disagree. I am a total and complete massage snob, so I hope she is good.
That reminds me of a joke: How is pizza like sex?....when its good, its GREAT. And when its bad....its still pretty good. (ya know, now that I read that back.....it doesn't really apply after the first year of ttc - maybe it will be funny again one day.)
I have acupuncture this afternoon. It really hasn't helped specifically with my adenomyosis pain or obviously my infertility, but I do enjoy going. It helps my head....which is what I am concentrating on this month- no therapy for anything below the neck for me right now! My daughter provided me with some much needed laughing (and exercise) yesterday. I had just ordered the soundtrack from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" - one of my favorite movies of all times. We put on the music and I was surprised at her immediate reaction - to say she loved it would be a profound understatement. I played "Me Ol' Bam-Boo" about 10 times and the whole time we laughed and danced and ran around like maniacs, C came home from work in the middle of it all and just sat and watched us with a huge smile on his face. Sounds goofy, but it really was a beautiful moment.
Well, I'm off to have lunch with a friend (the one with 4 kids). We haven't sat down for a one on one talk in probably 6 months, maybe even more, I don't really want to be a downer and talk about IF, but it is such a major thing in my life - how can I not? She is one of those few people that when they ask you "So, how are you doing?" She really wants to know the answer.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Phone Calls
I just did a scary thing. I made an appointment at the "big" hospital at an actual (in)fertility clinic. I am only 3dpiui, but I am anticipating the next step. My temperatures have not really elevated, so now I am questioning what really happened in the 36 hours between trigger and IUI. Knowing that sometimes it can be awhile to get an appointment, I decided to be proactive. The consultation is on September 12. Another reason for making the call is that I am beginning to trust my doctor less and less. It doesn't help that I work with him and I see how he treats other patients. He has done a couple of things this last week that I would consider negligent. That is not the kind of practitioner that I want mucking around with my innards, and holding the fate of a pregnancy in his hands. As I have said before, I don't think that he knows my case very well, and does not really listen to my concerns - so off I go to change doctors once again. I still have hope that I will need to cancel aforementioned appointment, but just in case I will start collecting all my records.
I've been quite busy on the phone today actually. The insurance company even gave me some good news - well, not bad news - for me to go to the big fancy teaching hospital will only cost me a $200 deductible plus 20%. Insurance should cover the consultation and anything that is diagnostic, but no treatments. I'll jump off that bridge if/when we get there. Speaking of jumping off of bridges, I also called my therapist - unfortunately she is out of town on a family emergency.....so I don't know when I'll hear back from her. I also called my acupuncturist - I haven't seen her in months. My final phone call was to the preschool that Z is starting in the fall to find out the schedule for the first couple of weeks. She will be going to "orientation" on Aug 30.
I've been quite busy on the phone today actually. The insurance company even gave me some good news - well, not bad news - for me to go to the big fancy teaching hospital will only cost me a $200 deductible plus 20%. Insurance should cover the consultation and anything that is diagnostic, but no treatments. I'll jump off that bridge if/when we get there. Speaking of jumping off of bridges, I also called my therapist - unfortunately she is out of town on a family emergency.....so I don't know when I'll hear back from her. I also called my acupuncturist - I haven't seen her in months. My final phone call was to the preschool that Z is starting in the fall to find out the schedule for the first couple of weeks. She will be going to "orientation" on Aug 30.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Life Lessons Found in Blueberry Bushes
Toady is 1 dpiui! And I'm in the infamous 2ww. Last night went without a hitch. Everything from childcare to specimen collection to procedure went amazingly well. The IUI itself, which usually is quite painful for me, was just fine - no squeezing C's hand or making facial contortions as Dr. O.T. was pulling my cervix forward....thank you retroverted uterus. Also, C's swimmers looked good. So as we were driving home, I had a wave of optimism and hope....but of course I did not want to say as much - I don't want to jinx it.
So this morning Z and I headed up the hill to the IL's. They have a pick your own blueberry farm with about 300 bushes. The picking has been amazing - blueberries the size of grapes (large grapes). Of course Z eats as much as she picks, and she has a grand time. One of the things that has always fascinated me is that you can stand in one spot and pick for awhile, then you when you think you have picked that bush empty, if you change your position even ever so slightly, you may find an untapped batch - that was right under your nose. So my lesson that I re-learned today was: if you change you perspective - even just a little, you may find opportunities that you never even knew were there. I am trying to apply this to my IUI. If it fails again, then I am going to need to start looking at my life a little differently - who knows what I might find.
In the meantime, beta is set for August 15 if no AF. I'm trying not to obsess, but I feel pretty good about this one - why is that so scary to admit?
So this morning Z and I headed up the hill to the IL's. They have a pick your own blueberry farm with about 300 bushes. The picking has been amazing - blueberries the size of grapes (large grapes). Of course Z eats as much as she picks, and she has a grand time. One of the things that has always fascinated me is that you can stand in one spot and pick for awhile, then you when you think you have picked that bush empty, if you change your position even ever so slightly, you may find an untapped batch - that was right under your nose. So my lesson that I re-learned today was: if you change you perspective - even just a little, you may find opportunities that you never even knew were there. I am trying to apply this to my IUI. If it fails again, then I am going to need to start looking at my life a little differently - who knows what I might find.
In the meantime, beta is set for August 15 if no AF. I'm trying not to obsess, but I feel pretty good about this one - why is that so scary to admit?
Monday, July 9, 2007
A day of rest
Z's Birthday Cake
The last of the family left today. My intentions were to clean the house....but you know what they say about good intentions. I opted for a different plan which included eating myself into an oblivion using left over party food then taking a nap. I did actually shower - which so far is my biggest accomplishment today.
Z's party was awesome. Bigger than I thought is was going to be 23 people in total I think. We were suppose to get some heavy rain, but it held off until later in the afternoon. Later in the evening we played video games on the Wii. It is the only game that I actually like to watch people playing as much as playing it myself. The next night my MIL and my mom actually really got into playing. It was a hoot to watch.
So back to IF stuff. I guess I am 3 dpo. I'm not really sure when to count from these days. My trigger injection was on Wednesday morning, IUI Thursday night and Friday morning. Dr. O.T. said that I probably ovulated sometime Friday morning so that is when I am counting from. Stupid me did not take my temperature on Thursday or Friday, and I am not doing opk's anymore. I did have a temperature shift on Saturday. Absolutely no CM change to speak of. Any suggestions of when I should say I ovulated? I am now waiting for my adenomyosis pain to start, it should begin on Wednesday. So far I have avoided twoweekwait.com, but I think I hear it calling my name. Last month I had some classic symptoms, fatigue, nausea, tender breasts, non-AF cramping.....but got a BFN. I don't think that I will be as obsessive this month, especially in light of this month's IUI snafus. Oh who am I kidding.....obsession should be my middle name.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Let the insanity begin
New pictures of Z.
This one I call "Twirly Girl"
This one I call "Twirly Girl"
It's been a nice few days. I made the decision not to blog while I was at my brother's, just trying to leave IF in Vermont for a few days. It was mayhem when I arrived....it always is. My 9 year old niece was having a dental crisis. It resulted in 3 teeth being pulled somewhat urgently. She is okay, but the trip to the dentist almost cost us our night out on the town, almost. So with the kids safely at home, no one bleeding to death from the mouth, we went out to dinner. The restaurant that we went to was a very hip and trendy place with a roof top bar. I have to say that I felt like the quintessential country bumpkin. Mind you, I went to college, lived in a big city and had a pretty active social life way back when. BUT, it's been years since I've been to a bar like that, I had a hard time maneuvering through the crowd. After dinner we went to ANOTHER bar where the music was so loud that you could not hear yourself think, let alone anyone else talk. We had a fabulous time. The night was peppered with the kids calling to find out when we would be home. My SIL was very smart and never gave an exact time, always just saying "pretty soon". In total I had 3 beers and 2 appletinis - I can't remember when the last time I had more than a glass of wine. All in all a spectacular night.
The rest of the weekend was swimming, walks, grilling out and shopping. What more could a girl want? The only hiccup in the weekend was C calling to tell me that the 40th anniversary party would now be taking place on Saturday (the same day as my daughter's birthday party). I wouldn't mind it so much if the anniversary party wasn't so last minute, and I feel like I will now lose a bit of control of how things are handled. This is no longer a party that I am throwing, and will have to coordinate everything through the in laws. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I wanted this to be Z's day. Also, if I was to say no, then I am the bad guy, everyone else is in agreement on the change of plans.
ANYWAY, trying not to dwell on that. Saw Dr. Old Timer today. I've got 2 nice follies on the LEFT!!!! Absolutely nothing on the right. Yippppppppeeeeeeee. So I seen him on Wednesday for another u/s and then the trigger injection. Right now the plan is for the IUI to take place at 8 pm on Thursday. This all works out perfectly with my work schedule, I don't have to panic about getting someone to work for me. Actually, I just realized that I don't even have to tell anyone at work. The timing couldn't be better.
Monday, June 18, 2007
10 dpo and going a bit wacky in the head
I wonder if my "unexplained" infertility is really "unexplored" infertility. The only b/w I've had done was hormone levels late in my cycle and that was months ago. Everything came back mostly ok, my progesterone was within normal limits but on the low side. I've had an exploratory lap for endo, in which they didn't find anything to remove, but they did take out the right fallopian tube because it looked "mangled". Path report came back with evidence of endo in the tube. I've had an HSG and a hysteroscopy - both all clear. But with everything that I've been reading there can be so many hormonal imbalances involved in not only getting pg but maintaining it. My doctor (I will start calling him Dr. Old Timer, because first off he is old, and second so is his way of practicing medicine) is a regular OB, not an RE. He has the attitude that he is the doctor and I am the patient and he is in charge of this process. There is no collaboration, he listens to my theories, but I honestly don't think that he gives them much credence. Even though I am a nurse which he works with frequently, he certainly does not see me as a colleague, more of a doctor's handmaiden. If a friend came to me and described his way of practicing I would say "RUUUNNNNNN!" But, he is the only practitioner locally that I can go to for this level of treatment. I'm thinking that if after the 3rd IUI we are still not pregnant we will have to bite the financial bullet and go to an actual RE - which is over an hour way each way, in good weather. I still have not seen an EOB from my insurance company with regards to the serial u/s. I have been told that they will pay for diagnosis and treatment of a "mechanical" problem with infertility, but will not pay for anything that is suppose to induce pregnancy (ie, clomid, iui, and certainly not ivf).
I came across something terribly depressing the other day. Before I found out I was pg with my daughter, I thought about how I would tell C - I wanted it to be special and memorable. I was in such shock when I saw those two lines that I just yelled for him to come into the bathroom and blurted out "look at this!". So, this time around I came up with a great idea. I was going to buy this cute little t-shirt that says "big sister in training" on it and put it on my daughter and send her off to C. Well, in January of 2006 (the first month we started trying) I was so sure that I was pg that I went online and bought the shirt and had it overnighted. I bought it in a 2T and 3T, because Z was in between sizes at the time. Needless to say, she has never worn the shirts, C has never seen them, and they sit all neatly folded in a deep corner of the bathroom closet. I don't think I can handle the thought that the larger shirt won't fit her by the time its needed.
This 2ww is killing me - as I know it does most women. I have been so sure so many times in the last year and a half that "this was it". I don't trust my body anymore. I told C today that he needed to stop talking about my bbs, because it was just adding to my obsession. I can honestly say that I don't think this is the month. I have said that before, but have secretly really thought it was. No secrets this time. Unfortunately, it could be a month or more before I ovulate on my left side again.....so until then its just more waiting. I should call my therapist.
I came across something terribly depressing the other day. Before I found out I was pg with my daughter, I thought about how I would tell C - I wanted it to be special and memorable. I was in such shock when I saw those two lines that I just yelled for him to come into the bathroom and blurted out "look at this!". So, this time around I came up with a great idea. I was going to buy this cute little t-shirt that says "big sister in training" on it and put it on my daughter and send her off to C. Well, in January of 2006 (the first month we started trying) I was so sure that I was pg that I went online and bought the shirt and had it overnighted. I bought it in a 2T and 3T, because Z was in between sizes at the time. Needless to say, she has never worn the shirts, C has never seen them, and they sit all neatly folded in a deep corner of the bathroom closet. I don't think I can handle the thought that the larger shirt won't fit her by the time its needed.
This 2ww is killing me - as I know it does most women. I have been so sure so many times in the last year and a half that "this was it". I don't trust my body anymore. I told C today that he needed to stop talking about my bbs, because it was just adding to my obsession. I can honestly say that I don't think this is the month. I have said that before, but have secretly really thought it was. No secrets this time. Unfortunately, it could be a month or more before I ovulate on my left side again.....so until then its just more waiting. I should call my therapist.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Babies in the sky
I've been anticipating it for a few days now, and here it is: adenomyosis pain. It started late last night and woke me up off and on. It only lasts for about 15-20 minutes at a time, but can happen every hour for several hours. Sometimes it only strikes a few times a day, but other times it seems like I am in the fetal position with a hot water bottle for the majority of the day. Usually this goes on for a week. So far it hasn't been too frequent, but pretty intense. Since I am now in the 2ww, I hate to take anything for the pain - not that there is much that will help - but a Tylenol with codeine or an ambien to help me sleep certainly didn't hurt before we were ttc. I won't take anything now that will jeopardize or harm a potential pregnancy - so my bbf is my hot water bottle. Still no other symptoms, no tender bbs, no bleeding gums, no unusual fatigue....just a few lingering twinges here and there. I could say that I'm a little bloated - and I'm sure the potato chips had NOTHING to do with it.
We left the Cape around noon on Thurs, got stuck in traffic for a wicked accident and made it back home around 5. Then it was off to bed for a few hour nap and here I now sit at 4 am at work. No craziness happening tonight - thank goodness.
I wish I could say that the time away took my mind off the waiting and the analyzing every little twinge, but it didn't. On the drive home I gazed up into the sky and saw these beautiful puffy clouds. One might see a bunny or another woodland creature in the sky, but what is the first thing that I see - a baby. It struck me then and there how much this is on my mind. No real surprise I guess, I'm blogging, I'm reading blogs and I'm going onto websites like twoweekwait.com and fertilityfriend.com. Somehow seeing babies in the sky really shone a light on my obsession. Mind you, I don't plan on doing anything differently, I am just aware.
We left the Cape around noon on Thurs, got stuck in traffic for a wicked accident and made it back home around 5. Then it was off to bed for a few hour nap and here I now sit at 4 am at work. No craziness happening tonight - thank goodness.
I wish I could say that the time away took my mind off the waiting and the analyzing every little twinge, but it didn't. On the drive home I gazed up into the sky and saw these beautiful puffy clouds. One might see a bunny or another woodland creature in the sky, but what is the first thing that I see - a baby. It struck me then and there how much this is on my mind. No real surprise I guess, I'm blogging, I'm reading blogs and I'm going onto websites like twoweekwait.com and fertilityfriend.com. Somehow seeing babies in the sky really shone a light on my obsession. Mind you, I don't plan on doing anything differently, I am just aware.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
5 dpiui
So much for my vacation taking my mind off the 2ww. My parents just took Z out for a walk and what do I do? I spent the entire time on twoweekwait.com reading post after post about other women's early pregnancy symptoms. What I couldn't stand was the comments like "we FINALLY got a BFP after 3 months of ttc". THREE months - give me a break! Really, some people just have no idea.
I saw that my blog is now linked on cyclesista.com - yay. Up until this point I think I have only had one reader (thanks J!). Anyway, I welcome comments, shared experiences and links to your fertility blogs. I should make one correction/clarification. I am listed under IUI/inj. But I am only receiving a trigger injection of hCG.
I did have an increase in temp this morning- yipee. But I have had absolutely no change in CM at all this month - unusual for me. I'm having some twinges on both sides- not sure if it is my adenomyosis starting to kick in or what. I'm not sleeping very well- but that could be because I am at my parents' house, which is on the small side. This morning I woke up to my daughter running down the hall to the bathroom yelling "I've gotta go POOP!" Now who could go back to sleep after that?
We will probably be heading to the beach or an indoor pool - depending on if the weather cooperates. It's not looking too good right now.
I saw that my blog is now linked on cyclesista.com - yay. Up until this point I think I have only had one reader (thanks J!). Anyway, I welcome comments, shared experiences and links to your fertility blogs. I should make one correction/clarification. I am listed under IUI/inj. But I am only receiving a trigger injection of hCG.
I did have an increase in temp this morning- yipee. But I have had absolutely no change in CM at all this month - unusual for me. I'm having some twinges on both sides- not sure if it is my adenomyosis starting to kick in or what. I'm not sleeping very well- but that could be because I am at my parents' house, which is on the small side. This morning I woke up to my daughter running down the hall to the bathroom yelling "I've gotta go POOP!" Now who could go back to sleep after that?
We will probably be heading to the beach or an indoor pool - depending on if the weather cooperates. It's not looking too good right now.
Monday, June 11, 2007
All for not
My stress about my mother's reaction was completely wasted. On the phone yesterday she had asked if I had my "procedure" and proceeded to ask very appropriate questions. Jump to today (I am now at my parents' house) and we had a long discussion about what IUI entailed and what kind of monitoring I am doing. At the end of the conversation I had said that I was relieved that she had brought up the topic because I thought that it was something we were not going to be able to talk about freely. She replied by saying that she "just didn't know anything about it". ------Whew.
Last night's debacle at work got worse when we had a 26 weeker who was bleeding and cramping come in followed by 2 patients in labor. That meant we had 3 babies in the nursery (Jane and John Doe plus a premie that was there for respiratory problems), one mother baby couplet, one of the mother's that was giving her baby up for adoption and two labor patients. Doesn't sound like a lot, but here is the kicker - we are only staffed with two RNs - no secretary, no LNAs....just the two of us. (Did I mention that we are a small hospital?). I left work late in the morning because I was still finishing up paperwork. Unfortunately that meant that my mini vaca was delayed. I went home to sleep for about 4.5 hours then got up and drove 4 hours to the Cape.
EVERYbody at work knows about my IUI on Friday. And the most common question- "When do you find out?" I'm glad I am able to get out of town for a few days, if nothing else to escape the questions. My temperature plummeted this morning - but that is also relatively normal for me. I have started to feel some twinges of my monthly pelvic pain. That seems to be on schedule with when I received the trigger injection (I usually get the pain 4-5 days after I have a positive OPK). But since we did the hCG this month, I ovulated about 4 days earlier than usual. All in all, I would be happier if the pain was completely gone - a sign for me that I am pregnant, but I'm trying to view this as a positive sign that it is coinciding with the forced ovulation. I'm looking for any kid of silver lining I can get.
Last night's debacle at work got worse when we had a 26 weeker who was bleeding and cramping come in followed by 2 patients in labor. That meant we had 3 babies in the nursery (Jane and John Doe plus a premie that was there for respiratory problems), one mother baby couplet, one of the mother's that was giving her baby up for adoption and two labor patients. Doesn't sound like a lot, but here is the kicker - we are only staffed with two RNs - no secretary, no LNAs....just the two of us. (Did I mention that we are a small hospital?). I left work late in the morning because I was still finishing up paperwork. Unfortunately that meant that my mini vaca was delayed. I went home to sleep for about 4.5 hours then got up and drove 4 hours to the Cape.
EVERYbody at work knows about my IUI on Friday. And the most common question- "When do you find out?" I'm glad I am able to get out of town for a few days, if nothing else to escape the questions. My temperature plummeted this morning - but that is also relatively normal for me. I have started to feel some twinges of my monthly pelvic pain. That seems to be on schedule with when I received the trigger injection (I usually get the pain 4-5 days after I have a positive OPK). But since we did the hCG this month, I ovulated about 4 days earlier than usual. All in all, I would be happier if the pain was completely gone - a sign for me that I am pregnant, but I'm trying to view this as a positive sign that it is coinciding with the forced ovulation. I'm looking for any kid of silver lining I can get.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
I couldn't make this up
What a night- my favorite kind (not really). I can't go into any kind of details, but let's just say this is an infertile's nightmare. Not one, but two women delivered in the last 24 hours that had no prenatal care. They hid their pregnancy from everyone, I mean everyone - even a husband - how does one do that? Both did not want to hold or even see their baby and both are being given up for adoption. One has the luck to have to suffer through narcotic withdrawal before they can be placed with a family. The social histories are astounding and very, very sad. We are small hospital and for us to see one situation like this is rare, let alone two in 24 hours. I suppose the good news is that both of these babies will hopefully be placed in homes with parents who truly want a child they can love with all their hearts.
I thought my lead in for this post would be the IUI, but I am not terribly optimistic about this cycle. I was very antsy early in the day so I packed up my kranky Z and went shopping. We made it to Dr. S's office around 5:45 pm. He did his thing with C's little swimmers, and he showed them to us under the microscope. C gave them a little pep talk. 20 minutes later I was in the familiar stirrup position. One thing I have never really liked about Dr. S is that he does not really communicate what he is doing and why - one of the reasons I did not chose him as my OB a few years ago. Don't get me wrong, I think he is very nice and a good physician, just not very warm and fuzzy. But I digress. He does the IUI - ouch - and I lie there (with my hips slightly elevated!) for 30 minutes. I was mildly crampy, my back hurt from being so tense from the last couple of days. When we got home I went upstairs to lay down and I ended up falling sound asleep somewhere around 9:30 pm.
Today I wake up in a mood! Holy moly am I on edge. The worst part of it is that I am aware of it, and don't feel like I am able to act any differently if I tried. This is such new territory for me - the 2ww post IUI. I am trying not to be too analytical, but I can't help it. I have had no CM change, no significant elevation of temp....don't know what it all means, but I don't think it's good. I am going to be a freakin' wreck for the next couple of weeks! I leave tomorrow to visit my parents - hopefully this will be relaxing and not stressful.
I thought my lead in for this post would be the IUI, but I am not terribly optimistic about this cycle. I was very antsy early in the day so I packed up my kranky Z and went shopping. We made it to Dr. S's office around 5:45 pm. He did his thing with C's little swimmers, and he showed them to us under the microscope. C gave them a little pep talk. 20 minutes later I was in the familiar stirrup position. One thing I have never really liked about Dr. S is that he does not really communicate what he is doing and why - one of the reasons I did not chose him as my OB a few years ago. Don't get me wrong, I think he is very nice and a good physician, just not very warm and fuzzy. But I digress. He does the IUI - ouch - and I lie there (with my hips slightly elevated!) for 30 minutes. I was mildly crampy, my back hurt from being so tense from the last couple of days. When we got home I went upstairs to lay down and I ended up falling sound asleep somewhere around 9:30 pm.
Today I wake up in a mood! Holy moly am I on edge. The worst part of it is that I am aware of it, and don't feel like I am able to act any differently if I tried. This is such new territory for me - the 2ww post IUI. I am trying not to be too analytical, but I can't help it. I have had no CM change, no significant elevation of temp....don't know what it all means, but I don't think it's good. I am going to be a freakin' wreck for the next couple of weeks! I leave tomorrow to visit my parents - hopefully this will be relaxing and not stressful.
Friday, May 25, 2007
The beginning
Where to begin? I have a beautiful daughter, and I'm sure most would say that I should be thankful for what I have (and I am). The plan was to have at least two children. To date, that plan is failing. Unexplained secondary infertility is the label I now wear. I'm tired of tyring to find the right answer to "Are you planning on having anymore children?" without launching into any kind of real explanation. After all, people are usually just making polite conversation and don't expect your medical history when a simple "yes or no" will do. What makes this journey even tougher for me at the moment is that I am a labor and delivery nurse. I see joyful happy families everyday which is hard enough. But what is harder for me is to see the unplanned pregnancies, the teenager with a drug addiction now passed on to the baby, etc. "It's not fair!" is a common exclamation that bounces around in my head every single day.
So I am now in the 18 month of trying to conceive. This is a rude awakening as it only took 3 months the first time around. I work night shift, so just plain timing is not really on our side to start with. We have done ovulation predictor tests, BBT, clomid, sperm counts, HSG, and exploratory surgeries. During one surgery my right fallopian tube was removed and I was later diagnosed with adenomyosis (which is supposedly not affecting my fertility.....but hurts like hell for one week every month). Did I mention that I am of *gasp* advanced maternal age? We are just now starting the IUI process, but only during the month that I ovulate on the left side. Everytime I go into the doctor's office, there is a small hope that they will find something wrong - something to fix. So far at every turn there is nothing that needs treating, so why isn't this happening?....I know I can do it - I've done it before.
My friends and co-workers I'm sure are tired of hearing of my woes. Although, being in the baby business, a lot of colleagues are concerned and interested, but I'm tired of getting the same advice that EVERY woman with fertility issues get: "just relax and it will happen", "go on vacation", "have you tried....(fill in the blank - ie. elevating your pelvis, etc.). My husband, God bless him, can't fully understand - I don't think any man can, although he is more than sympathetic to how this has affected me emotionally and physically. Hormones, lack of sleep, and the stress of this process leaves my temper quick and he usually gets the brunt of my frustrations. I need to connect with women that have lived or are living this experience. I live in pretty remote location and I have not been able to find any local support groups....so I am casting my net into the blog world.
So I am now in the 18 month of trying to conceive. This is a rude awakening as it only took 3 months the first time around. I work night shift, so just plain timing is not really on our side to start with. We have done ovulation predictor tests, BBT, clomid, sperm counts, HSG, and exploratory surgeries. During one surgery my right fallopian tube was removed and I was later diagnosed with adenomyosis (which is supposedly not affecting my fertility.....but hurts like hell for one week every month). Did I mention that I am of *gasp* advanced maternal age? We are just now starting the IUI process, but only during the month that I ovulate on the left side. Everytime I go into the doctor's office, there is a small hope that they will find something wrong - something to fix. So far at every turn there is nothing that needs treating, so why isn't this happening?....I know I can do it - I've done it before.
My friends and co-workers I'm sure are tired of hearing of my woes. Although, being in the baby business, a lot of colleagues are concerned and interested, but I'm tired of getting the same advice that EVERY woman with fertility issues get: "just relax and it will happen", "go on vacation", "have you tried....(fill in the blank - ie. elevating your pelvis, etc.). My husband, God bless him, can't fully understand - I don't think any man can, although he is more than sympathetic to how this has affected me emotionally and physically. Hormones, lack of sleep, and the stress of this process leaves my temper quick and he usually gets the brunt of my frustrations. I need to connect with women that have lived or are living this experience. I live in pretty remote location and I have not been able to find any local support groups....so I am casting my net into the blog world.
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