So it is the early morning of the 15th. Still no AF, temp came back up a little today (to 97.8) but I also only had 4 hours of sleep. Dr. O.T. said this was the day for the beta, but I don't know if this is too early. I am 15dpiui, I'm guessing 13dpo. I know I could still get a false negative if I POAS, but is this an appropriate time for b/w?
I have decided to not go back to this doctor for further treatment. As I have said, I work with him and I see how he treats his patients - without much regard usually. I have seen him cut an episiotomy on a women who was yelling "you're not going to cut me are you?" His latest shenanigans have involved a medical review of a case. He is so close to retirement he can smell it and I think he is mentally checked out. Now, he used to teach at Georgetown, and he has been an OB for 45 years - he's no slouch, and I actually really like him during casual conversation. I just think he has his own agenda when it comes to patient care and I no longer want to put the fate of my pregnancy in his hands. SO, my appointment with the RE is Sept 12. I think we will probably take this cycle off - but I am worried about not temping, worried that I would be losing some bit of vital information for our next step. For those of you who have done IUIs - what kind of importance does your RE place on bbt?
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2ww. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
The case of the missing zit
I usually get a monster zit the week before AF. It's one of those large underground ones that pop up in the strangest places; behind the ear, in the hairline on the back of my neck, in my nose crease. Sometimes it is right in plain site on my chin or forehead. So far - no zit. I am expecting AF either today or tomorrow so my obsessing is really kicking into high gear. My bbt has also been very strange this month. My highest temp was only 98.2 and it has dropped a few tenths slowly over the last couple of days. I can't really tell when it has gone below coverline, and there hasn't been the dramatic shifts that I usually see - and I'm not sure if that is good or bad.
C and I had an interesting conversation the other day about our long term plans. We go to the RE next month, but we both agree we will only do 2 more IUIs- unless something is revealed in further testing that would make it worth our while to do a couple more. IVF is probably not in the picture for us, unless we come into a windfall of money. We really need to have an expiration date on our efforts to conceive one way or the other because the only definitive treatment for my adenomyosis is a hysterectomy. I cannot continue to live with this pain month after month, it is affecting my work, my relationships and at times my ability to care for Z. We've discussed adoption, even before there were IF issues. But, the more I read about adoption, the more I am discouraged. It could be years before an infant was available, I know there are older children that need good homes, but I can't quite conceptualize adopting a toddler or school aged child. It feels so selfish to admit that, but right now that is how I feel. I find it amusing (not really the right word) that the advice-givers of the world will tell the IFers to "just adopt". Like it is as easy as going to the store to pick out the perfect child. Do they not understand that 1. it can be more expensive than IVF, 2. many children have significant maternal histories of mental illness or substance abuse, 3. adoption is not a sure thing - especially for us older folks 4. the potential complications of inter-racial adoptions (which would most likely be the case), anyway the list goes on. I feel like Debbie Downer, but this is the reality. Adoption is no longer the "fall back plan" that many people think it is.
So then I think of Z being an only child and it breaks my heart. The other day we were at a park and she followed 3 sisters around, too timid to jump right in a play with them - but wanting to be invited. I'm not ready to accept that she will be an only child, we may be coming to the end of IF treatments, and adoption is looking bleak. So where does that leave me/us - in limbo I guess. How do people do this? How do people make these incredible life decisions? I'm not one to pussyfoot around either. Make a decision. Start action. It should be that easy. Of course rattling around in the back of my head is the thought that if I start having these conversations, making the appointments and starting a new plan, then I won't really need it, that I will finally have my BFP.
C and I had an interesting conversation the other day about our long term plans. We go to the RE next month, but we both agree we will only do 2 more IUIs- unless something is revealed in further testing that would make it worth our while to do a couple more. IVF is probably not in the picture for us, unless we come into a windfall of money. We really need to have an expiration date on our efforts to conceive one way or the other because the only definitive treatment for my adenomyosis is a hysterectomy. I cannot continue to live with this pain month after month, it is affecting my work, my relationships and at times my ability to care for Z. We've discussed adoption, even before there were IF issues. But, the more I read about adoption, the more I am discouraged. It could be years before an infant was available, I know there are older children that need good homes, but I can't quite conceptualize adopting a toddler or school aged child. It feels so selfish to admit that, but right now that is how I feel. I find it amusing (not really the right word) that the advice-givers of the world will tell the IFers to "just adopt". Like it is as easy as going to the store to pick out the perfect child. Do they not understand that 1. it can be more expensive than IVF, 2. many children have significant maternal histories of mental illness or substance abuse, 3. adoption is not a sure thing - especially for us older folks 4. the potential complications of inter-racial adoptions (which would most likely be the case), anyway the list goes on. I feel like Debbie Downer, but this is the reality. Adoption is no longer the "fall back plan" that many people think it is.
So then I think of Z being an only child and it breaks my heart. The other day we were at a park and she followed 3 sisters around, too timid to jump right in a play with them - but wanting to be invited. I'm not ready to accept that she will be an only child, we may be coming to the end of IF treatments, and adoption is looking bleak. So where does that leave me/us - in limbo I guess. How do people do this? How do people make these incredible life decisions? I'm not one to pussyfoot around either. Make a decision. Start action. It should be that easy. Of course rattling around in the back of my head is the thought that if I start having these conversations, making the appointments and starting a new plan, then I won't really need it, that I will finally have my BFP.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Smack dab in the middle of the 2ww
Yes, the trip to the ER was quite scary...and all my nursing experience goes right out the window when a member of my family is involved. I remember several years ago - must be about 8 years now. We were at a family party and my niece was running with a lollipop stick or something in her mouth and she tripped. Mouth/facial injuries are almost always quite bloody and this was not exception. She had blood dripping out of her mouth onto her white shirt. Needless to say the family turns to me, thinking that I will jump in and start doing some first aid. Meanwhile, I was in the corner of the room, sitting down with my head between my knees because I thought I was going to pass out. ANYWAY, Z is perfectly fine. But we still have not found teddy- it was a homemade bear that my MIL had made for my baby shower. She is going to make another one (two actually), but it won't be the same.
My adenomyosis pain kicked in last night. It's pretty bad so far. Not really frequent, but quite intense. I have had virtually no temperature shift this month. My temp has not gone above 98.0! I'm a little concerned, but trying not to think of it too much. I am 7 dpiui. So far I have not been obsessing too much, but it feels like forever until the 15th.
My adenomyosis pain kicked in last night. It's pretty bad so far. Not really frequent, but quite intense. I have had virtually no temperature shift this month. My temp has not gone above 98.0! I'm a little concerned, but trying not to think of it too much. I am 7 dpiui. So far I have not been obsessing too much, but it feels like forever until the 15th.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Life Lessons Found in Blueberry Bushes
Toady is 1 dpiui! And I'm in the infamous 2ww. Last night went without a hitch. Everything from childcare to specimen collection to procedure went amazingly well. The IUI itself, which usually is quite painful for me, was just fine - no squeezing C's hand or making facial contortions as Dr. O.T. was pulling my cervix forward....thank you retroverted uterus. Also, C's swimmers looked good. So as we were driving home, I had a wave of optimism and hope....but of course I did not want to say as much - I don't want to jinx it.
So this morning Z and I headed up the hill to the IL's. They have a pick your own blueberry farm with about 300 bushes. The picking has been amazing - blueberries the size of grapes (large grapes). Of course Z eats as much as she picks, and she has a grand time. One of the things that has always fascinated me is that you can stand in one spot and pick for awhile, then you when you think you have picked that bush empty, if you change your position even ever so slightly, you may find an untapped batch - that was right under your nose. So my lesson that I re-learned today was: if you change you perspective - even just a little, you may find opportunities that you never even knew were there. I am trying to apply this to my IUI. If it fails again, then I am going to need to start looking at my life a little differently - who knows what I might find.
In the meantime, beta is set for August 15 if no AF. I'm trying not to obsess, but I feel pretty good about this one - why is that so scary to admit?
So this morning Z and I headed up the hill to the IL's. They have a pick your own blueberry farm with about 300 bushes. The picking has been amazing - blueberries the size of grapes (large grapes). Of course Z eats as much as she picks, and she has a grand time. One of the things that has always fascinated me is that you can stand in one spot and pick for awhile, then you when you think you have picked that bush empty, if you change your position even ever so slightly, you may find an untapped batch - that was right under your nose. So my lesson that I re-learned today was: if you change you perspective - even just a little, you may find opportunities that you never even knew were there. I am trying to apply this to my IUI. If it fails again, then I am going to need to start looking at my life a little differently - who knows what I might find.
In the meantime, beta is set for August 15 if no AF. I'm trying not to obsess, but I feel pretty good about this one - why is that so scary to admit?
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Good news and Bad news
Thanks for the support Hez! The good news is that this 2ww is flying by, the bad news is it is because I have been so freakin' busy I can't see straight. I am working a nightmare schedule: 3 nights on (12 hour shifts), one night off, then another 3 nights on. Adding insult to injury we have been super busy at work. I come home in the morning and crash, sleep for 5 hours, lay in bed and try to will myself to sleep for a couple more, abandon the effort and get out of bed to have dinner and shower, then go back to work. I feel like I haven't seen my family in weeks. I did get some fun cuddle time with my daughter today while I was trying to sleep. We were lying there face to face and she puts her hand on my shoulder, pats it gently and whispers "Momma, you're my best friend". Life really doesn't get any better than that.
My adenomyosis pain started up last week almost on cue - actually a day earlier than expected. I swear I can manipulate any situation in my head. For example: In the past whenever I started up with the adenomyosis pain, I always thought that meant that that cycle was a bust and I abandon all hope at that point. Then I heard that the pain might not go away right away or even completely. Normally this pain lasts for a week or so, and is so painful that I am doubled over crying. (I pride myself as a pretty tough person. I once walked 60 miles in 3 days in a walk for breast cancer, 40 of those miles, I found out later, I had a broken ankle). Anyway, this month the pain is definitely there, I still need my hot pack, but there have been no tears. Good news right? Not so much, the way I twist it around in my head. I have now convinced myself that the reason why my pain isn't so bad is because my lining is so poor. (Adenomyosis is the growth of endometrial tissue in the wall of the uterus). With everything that we had going during the IUI this time around, I forgot to ask Dr. O.T. if he measured the lining. I think he just glances at it, I've never seen him measure it.
*warning death and cancer mentioned in detail in the following paragraph*
This Friday will be 14/15 dpiui. The day that AF will likely arrive. It is also the 3rd anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. She died from ovarian cancer 12 days after my daughter was born. Our next child (God willing) will be named after her in some form or fashion. This whole time of year is very emotionally charged for me. I try not to focus on the day of her death, but it is difficult. When I think about my birth experience, it is wrapped up with threads of my friend's death. The day I delivered was the day she was put into Hospice care. I lived 2 hours away, I had had a C-section and Z was kept in the hospital for several days due to jaundice so I couldn't run down there to be by her side. Early in her diagnosis I was the one who spent the nights holding her hand in the hospital. I was there for every surgery, the head shaving, the puking, the chemo. It was so hard to be so over the moon happy about the birth of my daughter, and devastated by the knowledge of her imminent death. Z did get a chance to meet her, briefly. Four days before she passed we made the trip to see her, for me to say good-bye. She was on morphine and not terribly coherent. When I told her I was going to take Z back out to my husband, she said "just wait, I want to look at her a little more." It was the last time she made a real cohesive sentence. We did not have a funeral, we had a celebration of her life - that was on my original due date.
So this 2ww is going by quickly, but not really in the way that I hoped it would. I had a mini-melt down today. Partially I'm sure is pure exhaustion, part emotional, part hormonal - a pretty deadly combination for DH!
Back to some more good news. Next weekend our family will be heading to Boston for a short and sweet visit with my best friend J and her family. J is a former IFer, still involved in Resolve down in Austin, TX. She has been my touch stone during all of this. She is also the one who recommended that I read some blogs - I never thought at the time that I would actually be writing one. I am so thankful that I have found this community of strong women who are willing to share such an intimate part of there lives.
My adenomyosis pain started up last week almost on cue - actually a day earlier than expected. I swear I can manipulate any situation in my head. For example: In the past whenever I started up with the adenomyosis pain, I always thought that meant that that cycle was a bust and I abandon all hope at that point. Then I heard that the pain might not go away right away or even completely. Normally this pain lasts for a week or so, and is so painful that I am doubled over crying. (I pride myself as a pretty tough person. I once walked 60 miles in 3 days in a walk for breast cancer, 40 of those miles, I found out later, I had a broken ankle). Anyway, this month the pain is definitely there, I still need my hot pack, but there have been no tears. Good news right? Not so much, the way I twist it around in my head. I have now convinced myself that the reason why my pain isn't so bad is because my lining is so poor. (Adenomyosis is the growth of endometrial tissue in the wall of the uterus). With everything that we had going during the IUI this time around, I forgot to ask Dr. O.T. if he measured the lining. I think he just glances at it, I've never seen him measure it.
*warning death and cancer mentioned in detail in the following paragraph*
This Friday will be 14/15 dpiui. The day that AF will likely arrive. It is also the 3rd anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. She died from ovarian cancer 12 days after my daughter was born. Our next child (God willing) will be named after her in some form or fashion. This whole time of year is very emotionally charged for me. I try not to focus on the day of her death, but it is difficult. When I think about my birth experience, it is wrapped up with threads of my friend's death. The day I delivered was the day she was put into Hospice care. I lived 2 hours away, I had had a C-section and Z was kept in the hospital for several days due to jaundice so I couldn't run down there to be by her side. Early in her diagnosis I was the one who spent the nights holding her hand in the hospital. I was there for every surgery, the head shaving, the puking, the chemo. It was so hard to be so over the moon happy about the birth of my daughter, and devastated by the knowledge of her imminent death. Z did get a chance to meet her, briefly. Four days before she passed we made the trip to see her, for me to say good-bye. She was on morphine and not terribly coherent. When I told her I was going to take Z back out to my husband, she said "just wait, I want to look at her a little more." It was the last time she made a real cohesive sentence. We did not have a funeral, we had a celebration of her life - that was on my original due date.
So this 2ww is going by quickly, but not really in the way that I hoped it would. I had a mini-melt down today. Partially I'm sure is pure exhaustion, part emotional, part hormonal - a pretty deadly combination for DH!
Back to some more good news. Next weekend our family will be heading to Boston for a short and sweet visit with my best friend J and her family. J is a former IFer, still involved in Resolve down in Austin, TX. She has been my touch stone during all of this. She is also the one who recommended that I read some blogs - I never thought at the time that I would actually be writing one. I am so thankful that I have found this community of strong women who are willing to share such an intimate part of there lives.
Monday, July 9, 2007
A day of rest
Z's Birthday Cake
The last of the family left today. My intentions were to clean the house....but you know what they say about good intentions. I opted for a different plan which included eating myself into an oblivion using left over party food then taking a nap. I did actually shower - which so far is my biggest accomplishment today.
Z's party was awesome. Bigger than I thought is was going to be 23 people in total I think. We were suppose to get some heavy rain, but it held off until later in the afternoon. Later in the evening we played video games on the Wii. It is the only game that I actually like to watch people playing as much as playing it myself. The next night my MIL and my mom actually really got into playing. It was a hoot to watch.
So back to IF stuff. I guess I am 3 dpo. I'm not really sure when to count from these days. My trigger injection was on Wednesday morning, IUI Thursday night and Friday morning. Dr. O.T. said that I probably ovulated sometime Friday morning so that is when I am counting from. Stupid me did not take my temperature on Thursday or Friday, and I am not doing opk's anymore. I did have a temperature shift on Saturday. Absolutely no CM change to speak of. Any suggestions of when I should say I ovulated? I am now waiting for my adenomyosis pain to start, it should begin on Wednesday. So far I have avoided twoweekwait.com, but I think I hear it calling my name. Last month I had some classic symptoms, fatigue, nausea, tender breasts, non-AF cramping.....but got a BFN. I don't think that I will be as obsessive this month, especially in light of this month's IUI snafus. Oh who am I kidding.....obsession should be my middle name.
Friday, July 6, 2007
IUI, sleep, repeat.
It's a good thing that I've had 24 hours to cool off before writing, because otherwise the title would have been WTF!!!!!!!!
Let's go back to yesterday. I worked a day shift (yuck). We were busy, but it was a pretty uneventful day. I was able to leave a little early so I could meet C at home versus at the doctor's office for the IUI. My parents had come in town early in the day and I wanted to see them as well. As I was driving home I was thinking "this is it, this is going to work tonight," and I have to say I was almost giddy. So while I was having a quick dinner with my parents, C was upstairs preparing the "specimen". I suppose the background of noise of me and the in-laws was too much and he experienced some difficulty with his aim. The resulting specimen was pitiful in quantity and all I wanted to do was cry. I put on a brave face though and said that there wasn't anything we could do about it now. When we get to Dr. Old Timer's office, he says he is not sure if there is enough, but we might as well try. He recommended that we also come back the next morning at 7 am to do another IUI. As I am lying there (with my hips up), C keeps asking what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, and apologizing. The only thing I could think of was that I can't get into a fight right now or get too upset, because that will mean extra pressure on him in the morning. There have been some instances of performance anxiety so I don't want to do anything to rock the boat or jeopardize our morning appointment. But I was devastated.
We went back this morning with adequate quantity, but it turns out the sperm isn't looking too good. I'm not sure whether it is motility or morbidity that was the problem. But before we left, Dr. O.T. said that he was going to get us the name of a specialist - CRAP. The second IUI was pretty freakin' painful. My uterus is retroverted so he had to pull it forward - ouch. When the procedure was done and I was lying there for the obligatory 30 minutes, I lost it. Started crying. I don't know how people emotionally handle IVF. IUIs are hard enough for me right now. I am in awe of people who have dealt with infertility for years.
At least I will be distracted for the next few days with family in town, and Z's party tomorrow. Beta will be on July 23 if no AF. It is amazing how fast the first two weeks go by and next thing you know its the 2ww again.
Isn't IUI supposed to significantly improve chances with MF?
Anyway, still hopeful (but not giddy). Right now I'm tired, a little disappointed.
Let's go back to yesterday. I worked a day shift (yuck). We were busy, but it was a pretty uneventful day. I was able to leave a little early so I could meet C at home versus at the doctor's office for the IUI. My parents had come in town early in the day and I wanted to see them as well. As I was driving home I was thinking "this is it, this is going to work tonight," and I have to say I was almost giddy. So while I was having a quick dinner with my parents, C was upstairs preparing the "specimen". I suppose the background of noise of me and the in-laws was too much and he experienced some difficulty with his aim. The resulting specimen was pitiful in quantity and all I wanted to do was cry. I put on a brave face though and said that there wasn't anything we could do about it now. When we get to Dr. Old Timer's office, he says he is not sure if there is enough, but we might as well try. He recommended that we also come back the next morning at 7 am to do another IUI. As I am lying there (with my hips up), C keeps asking what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, and apologizing. The only thing I could think of was that I can't get into a fight right now or get too upset, because that will mean extra pressure on him in the morning. There have been some instances of performance anxiety so I don't want to do anything to rock the boat or jeopardize our morning appointment. But I was devastated.
We went back this morning with adequate quantity, but it turns out the sperm isn't looking too good. I'm not sure whether it is motility or morbidity that was the problem. But before we left, Dr. O.T. said that he was going to get us the name of a specialist - CRAP. The second IUI was pretty freakin' painful. My uterus is retroverted so he had to pull it forward - ouch. When the procedure was done and I was lying there for the obligatory 30 minutes, I lost it. Started crying. I don't know how people emotionally handle IVF. IUIs are hard enough for me right now. I am in awe of people who have dealt with infertility for years.
At least I will be distracted for the next few days with family in town, and Z's party tomorrow. Beta will be on July 23 if no AF. It is amazing how fast the first two weeks go by and next thing you know its the 2ww again.
Isn't IUI supposed to significantly improve chances with MF?
Anyway, still hopeful (but not giddy). Right now I'm tired, a little disappointed.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Positivity
I've had so many thoughts bouncing around in my head the last few days that I'm not even sure where to begin. First off- I'm surprised I am still married. I have been one moody b*tch these last few days. Angry at my husband one minute for not putting the trash bag in the can right, and crying the next because it seems like its been forever since we've been intimate, then pushing him away the next. C should be sainted. When I go to apologize he seems truly dumbfounded that I am apologizing, saying that he understands the stress I'm under. Back off ladies, he's mine.
Well, my proclamation of "I don't think this is the month" was short lived. I'm back to "well....maybe...." My bbs are still tender - this usually peaks a couple of days after ovulation and goes away completely before my period. It has been just the opposite this month. I also have had just a low level of nausea for the last few days. Nothing significant, it hasn't changed my eating habits unfortunately, but just feeling kind of blah. This could also be contributed to my wacky work schedule and the fact that we have been quite busy lately. It is a little difficult to assess my temperature compared to previous months because this was the first month with a trigger injection (and I got it 4 days earlier than I would normally ovulate), but my temperature is still quite high. Now this next "symptom" is quite a stretch, so don't laugh too hard. After working an exceptionally busy night, 2 people told me that I looked great...and were kind enough to go on and on about it.
them: "You look fantastic! Did you work all night?"
me : " Thanks, yes, but I feel terrible"
them: "Well, you just look so good, I can't believe that you worked all night. You look so refreshed" etc, etc.
So here's where the funny part comes in...the first thing I think is that I must have that mysterious glow of pregnancy. So add all of this together and I almost took a pregnancy test this morning.....but that damn trigger injection could give me a false positive, so I suppose I'll wait for my beta on Tuesday.
I have a new favorite song - "Positivity" by Stevie Wonder. I am making an effort to listen to it every day. Not only are the lyrics amazing, but it is a very peppy tune and I find myself dancing around the kitchen. I tried to find a link on YouTube to post here, but the only one I found was buried in a 9 minute interview and the sound quality was not that good. If you get the chance you should listen to it. The line that I am clinging on to is:
"You can always look at the negative
But you should always live in the positive
So I try everyday to live that way"
I found out at work the other day that Dr. Old Timer is on the short track to retirement. He was actually supposed to retire by August of this year, but an even older OB beat him to it. (There are only 3 OBs at our hospital, so they asked Dr. Old Timer to postpone until they could find a replacement). Well his replacement has been signed, so who knows how long he will stick around. This might mean that biting the financial bullet may come sooner rather than later to seek out an RE. We are already pretty tight on our "budget" (I say that with quotes because we never really stick to a budget) so factoring in out of network costs for something as simple as an IUI will be tricky.
My daughter's birthday is in a couple of weeks, so at least I will have something to occasionally distract me from my obsession. We are having family and a couple of friends, nothing too fancy, but I don't like leaving things for the last minute either.
Well, my proclamation of "I don't think this is the month" was short lived. I'm back to "well....maybe...." My bbs are still tender - this usually peaks a couple of days after ovulation and goes away completely before my period. It has been just the opposite this month. I also have had just a low level of nausea for the last few days. Nothing significant, it hasn't changed my eating habits unfortunately, but just feeling kind of blah. This could also be contributed to my wacky work schedule and the fact that we have been quite busy lately. It is a little difficult to assess my temperature compared to previous months because this was the first month with a trigger injection (and I got it 4 days earlier than I would normally ovulate), but my temperature is still quite high. Now this next "symptom" is quite a stretch, so don't laugh too hard. After working an exceptionally busy night, 2 people told me that I looked great...and were kind enough to go on and on about it.
them: "You look fantastic! Did you work all night?"
me : " Thanks, yes, but I feel terrible"
them: "Well, you just look so good, I can't believe that you worked all night. You look so refreshed" etc, etc.
So here's where the funny part comes in...the first thing I think is that I must have that mysterious glow of pregnancy. So add all of this together and I almost took a pregnancy test this morning.....but that damn trigger injection could give me a false positive, so I suppose I'll wait for my beta on Tuesday.
I have a new favorite song - "Positivity" by Stevie Wonder. I am making an effort to listen to it every day. Not only are the lyrics amazing, but it is a very peppy tune and I find myself dancing around the kitchen. I tried to find a link on YouTube to post here, but the only one I found was buried in a 9 minute interview and the sound quality was not that good. If you get the chance you should listen to it. The line that I am clinging on to is:
"You can always look at the negative
But you should always live in the positive
So I try everyday to live that way"
I found out at work the other day that Dr. Old Timer is on the short track to retirement. He was actually supposed to retire by August of this year, but an even older OB beat him to it. (There are only 3 OBs at our hospital, so they asked Dr. Old Timer to postpone until they could find a replacement). Well his replacement has been signed, so who knows how long he will stick around. This might mean that biting the financial bullet may come sooner rather than later to seek out an RE. We are already pretty tight on our "budget" (I say that with quotes because we never really stick to a budget) so factoring in out of network costs for something as simple as an IUI will be tricky.
My daughter's birthday is in a couple of weeks, so at least I will have something to occasionally distract me from my obsession. We are having family and a couple of friends, nothing too fancy, but I don't like leaving things for the last minute either.
Monday, June 18, 2007
10 dpo and going a bit wacky in the head
I wonder if my "unexplained" infertility is really "unexplored" infertility. The only b/w I've had done was hormone levels late in my cycle and that was months ago. Everything came back mostly ok, my progesterone was within normal limits but on the low side. I've had an exploratory lap for endo, in which they didn't find anything to remove, but they did take out the right fallopian tube because it looked "mangled". Path report came back with evidence of endo in the tube. I've had an HSG and a hysteroscopy - both all clear. But with everything that I've been reading there can be so many hormonal imbalances involved in not only getting pg but maintaining it. My doctor (I will start calling him Dr. Old Timer, because first off he is old, and second so is his way of practicing medicine) is a regular OB, not an RE. He has the attitude that he is the doctor and I am the patient and he is in charge of this process. There is no collaboration, he listens to my theories, but I honestly don't think that he gives them much credence. Even though I am a nurse which he works with frequently, he certainly does not see me as a colleague, more of a doctor's handmaiden. If a friend came to me and described his way of practicing I would say "RUUUNNNNNN!" But, he is the only practitioner locally that I can go to for this level of treatment. I'm thinking that if after the 3rd IUI we are still not pregnant we will have to bite the financial bullet and go to an actual RE - which is over an hour way each way, in good weather. I still have not seen an EOB from my insurance company with regards to the serial u/s. I have been told that they will pay for diagnosis and treatment of a "mechanical" problem with infertility, but will not pay for anything that is suppose to induce pregnancy (ie, clomid, iui, and certainly not ivf).
I came across something terribly depressing the other day. Before I found out I was pg with my daughter, I thought about how I would tell C - I wanted it to be special and memorable. I was in such shock when I saw those two lines that I just yelled for him to come into the bathroom and blurted out "look at this!". So, this time around I came up with a great idea. I was going to buy this cute little t-shirt that says "big sister in training" on it and put it on my daughter and send her off to C. Well, in January of 2006 (the first month we started trying) I was so sure that I was pg that I went online and bought the shirt and had it overnighted. I bought it in a 2T and 3T, because Z was in between sizes at the time. Needless to say, she has never worn the shirts, C has never seen them, and they sit all neatly folded in a deep corner of the bathroom closet. I don't think I can handle the thought that the larger shirt won't fit her by the time its needed.
This 2ww is killing me - as I know it does most women. I have been so sure so many times in the last year and a half that "this was it". I don't trust my body anymore. I told C today that he needed to stop talking about my bbs, because it was just adding to my obsession. I can honestly say that I don't think this is the month. I have said that before, but have secretly really thought it was. No secrets this time. Unfortunately, it could be a month or more before I ovulate on my left side again.....so until then its just more waiting. I should call my therapist.
I came across something terribly depressing the other day. Before I found out I was pg with my daughter, I thought about how I would tell C - I wanted it to be special and memorable. I was in such shock when I saw those two lines that I just yelled for him to come into the bathroom and blurted out "look at this!". So, this time around I came up with a great idea. I was going to buy this cute little t-shirt that says "big sister in training" on it and put it on my daughter and send her off to C. Well, in January of 2006 (the first month we started trying) I was so sure that I was pg that I went online and bought the shirt and had it overnighted. I bought it in a 2T and 3T, because Z was in between sizes at the time. Needless to say, she has never worn the shirts, C has never seen them, and they sit all neatly folded in a deep corner of the bathroom closet. I don't think I can handle the thought that the larger shirt won't fit her by the time its needed.
This 2ww is killing me - as I know it does most women. I have been so sure so many times in the last year and a half that "this was it". I don't trust my body anymore. I told C today that he needed to stop talking about my bbs, because it was just adding to my obsession. I can honestly say that I don't think this is the month. I have said that before, but have secretly really thought it was. No secrets this time. Unfortunately, it could be a month or more before I ovulate on my left side again.....so until then its just more waiting. I should call my therapist.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Wonderings
Today was pretty low key. We all slept in, even my daughter. Must be the weather. It is cold, overcast and looks like it will rain any minute. We went to an indoor pool, then to a park while my dad played in a softball game in an "Old Timer's" league. Nothing too exciting, but that is certainly okay with me. We leave tomorrow after lunch. We will get home just in time for me to go to sleep for couple of hours then go to work for the night. I usually work 12 hour shifts and tomorrow I will work an 8 - so the night should fly by.
Spending this time with my mom makes me wonder what my daughter will be like in the years to come. My mom and I couldn't be more different. She has never worked - although she has a B.S. in Chemistry (I SUCK at Chemistry - my only D in college, and I work full time), she hates to shop (I believe strongly in retail therapy), the only name brand items she has in her possession comes from the thrift shop - where she works (I have a personal relationship with Coach, Talbots, etc). I love my mom, I do. And I admire how simply she lives her life, with virtually no regard for materialistic needs. She saved a receipt from her grocery trip the other day where she saved 59% by buying items on sale. So I wonder what my daughter will choose to disregard when she is older - hopefully it will be something as benign as shopping.
I took a 2 hour nap today. My first thought was that...Oooh, I'm tired, this must be an early pregnancy symptom (damn you twoweekwait.com!). But- I stayed up until 1:30 am last night. And I am almost ALWAYS tired - working full time nights will do that to a gal. My adenomyosis pain has not kicked in yet, just a few little twinges. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.
Thank you for comments, it is very comforting to me to know that there are women out there that can relate to what I am going through.
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