A new month

Yesterday marks the beginning of a new month. Last month was a bit of a break because I was ovulating on the "wrong" side....no fallopian tube there, no direct path for sperm and egg to meet. It was nice actually. There was no pressure, no schedule, and other than continuing to monitor my bbt there was no counting. I did take clomid, because I have to start that before I know which is the chosen ovary. So, I get out the calendar and the phone and start making appointments for ultrasounds. My husband and I discuss the plan for the next few days. Regular doctor appointments mean juggling both our schedules. Sleeping during the day so I can work at night is not exactly conducive to driving 30 minutes one way to the doctor's office for a 4 minute ultrasound, especially on a day when my daughter does not go to daycare. I am hopeful this month - the first time in a long while. It will be our first IUI - if my left ovary decides to take the helm, otherwise it will be another month of nothing. I have not wanted to get my hopes up, in fear of what has been the inevitable disappointment. But I believe that negative thought/energy is not good for the body. I used to tell a friend of mine who had ovarian cancer that no matter how bad things seemed, there was "always room for hope", I need to believe that again.

I have just started reading other blogs online about infertility. I feel like (pardon the analogy) an infant in this process. There are so many abbreviations and lab work that I'm not familiar with- and I'm an L&D nurse. In one respect I am relieved to know there are so many out there that are sharing feelings that resonate deeply with my own. Other the hand, I am nervous that we are headed down a long road of disappointment. When I read about other women still unable to conceive after 3, 4, 7 years, my heart just sinks. Like most, 42 is my theoretical cut off for biological children, and that time feels like it is looming around the corner.