The beginning

Where to begin? I have a beautiful daughter, and I'm sure most would say that I should be thankful for what I have (and I am). The plan was to have at least two children. To date, that plan is failing. Unexplained secondary infertility is the label I now wear. I'm tired of tyring to find the right answer to "Are you planning on having anymore children?" without launching into any kind of real explanation. After all, people are usually just making polite conversation and don't expect your medical history when a simple "yes or no" will do. What makes this journey even tougher for me at the moment is that I am a labor and delivery nurse. I see joyful happy families everyday which is hard enough. But what is harder for me is to see the unplanned pregnancies, the teenager with a drug addiction now passed on to the baby, etc. "It's not fair!" is a common exclamation that bounces around in my head every single day.

So I am now in the 18 month of trying to conceive. This is a rude awakening as it only took 3 months the first time around. I work night shift, so just plain timing is not really on our side to start with. We have done ovulation predictor tests, BBT, clomid, sperm counts, HSG, and exploratory surgeries. During one surgery my right fallopian tube was removed and I was later diagnosed with adenomyosis (which is supposedly not affecting my fertility.....but hurts like hell for one week every month). Did I mention that I am of *gasp* advanced maternal age? We are just now starting the IUI process, but only during the month that I ovulate on the left side. Everytime I go into the doctor's office, there is a small hope that they will find something wrong - something to fix. So far at every turn there is nothing that needs treating, so why isn't this happening?....I know I can do it - I've done it before.

My friends and co-workers I'm sure are tired of hearing of my woes. Although, being in the baby business, a lot of colleagues are concerned and interested, but I'm tired of getting the same advice that EVERY woman with fertility issues get: "just relax and it will happen", "go on vacation", "have you tried....(fill in the blank - ie. elevating your pelvis, etc.). My husband, God bless him, can't fully understand - I don't think any man can, although he is more than sympathetic to how this has affected me emotionally and physically. Hormones, lack of sleep, and the stress of this process leaves my temper quick and he usually gets the brunt of my frustrations. I need to connect with women that have lived or are living this experience. I live in pretty remote location and I have not been able to find any local support groups....so I am casting my net into the blog world.