Holding pattern

I'm in this drawn out holding pattern of down regulation. This part seems to take so long. So now I am down to 10u of L.upron in the am. My attitude about this cycle is so different. Last time I could rattle off all the dates in my head, I knew exactly when I was working and whether or not I was going to have to do my own AM injections on those days. This time around I have to consult my IVF folder a million times to make sure when my u/s appointments are and when I'm decreasing my L.upron. My baseline u/s is this Thursday. Depending on what they find in the u/s I may or may not have bloodwork done on that same day. Stims will start on Saturday, and follow up u/s on Oct 3. Now that I am thinking about my schedule, the timing seems to be a bit bad as I am turning 40 (FORTY!!!) on Oct 1st. Nothing like being juiced up on hormones when I'm about to hit a milestone birthday that I dread. Now, I have never been one to make a big deal about my own birthday, and the numbers have never bothered me (except when I turned 27 - I had a hard time with that one and I have no idea why). But 40 (FORTY!!!) is a different story. Maybe it's the infertility, maybe it is just the number....but I'm freaking out a little bit!

Okay, I've calmed down for the moment.

Tonight I'm going out with for an honest to goodness girl's night out. Granted it is on a Tuesday and I have to work tomorrow, but I'll take it. It has been way too long since I've spent time with just girl friends that has nothing to do with work.

I'm already looking forward to transfer and I'm trying to plan ahead a little. I've read on some blogs that some RE prescribe valium or something similar on the day of transfer. My clinic has not prescribed anything, but I was thinking that might be beneficial for the anxiety of that day. Anyone have any input/experiences they could share with me on this subject?

Meet my friends Dense and Lumpy

I was due for a pap, and the RE wanted to get one in before I cycled. Next thing I know, it turned into a regular annual physical. "Your b.reasts are dense and lumpy" says the APRN. "Gee, thanks!" says me. I made the mistake and said that I would soon be having a mammogram. "Oh, you don't need that until you are 40". "I will turn 40 next month" says me...silly, silly me. Next thing I know, it is 4 days later and I am standing in a small room with a stranger manipulating my b.reasts and squishing them into what I believe was a large playdoh fun factory set up. It wasn't so bad I guess....

I started Lupron today- 20 units. We are on our way!

Trading Places

Yesterday I asked C how many more times he could envision us doing IVF. I have had in my head that we would do a total of 3 fresh cycles and maybe an FET if we had the frosties for it. As my 40th (yes, FORTIETH) birthday looms just around the corner, I've been thinking quite a bit about our family's direction. TTC has consumed almost 3 years of our life. I've changed my job and possibly my career path as a result. C and I have grown closer in ways and more distant in others in the wake of this desperate attempt to grow our family. I know how lucky we are to have our daughter, and there are certainly times that I think - why isn't this enough? I wonder how our life might be different right now if we had not gone in this direction. If you had asked me a year ago how many times I would do IVF the answer would have been "as many as it takes". Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up what could potentially be a couple more years, I'm getting too old for that, and I don't want to miss our life that is going along at what seems light speed. My daughter has been having very rough mornings lately. The other day she ran outside into the yard as my car was pulling out of the driveway (at 5:30 am) crying that she would miss me and wanted to go to work with me....that is killing me. I think on some level she feels the impact of the stress IVF has brought into our house, of the miscarriage..... How could she not feel that? And I don't want to do this to her for very much longer, although ironically part of why we are trying so hard for another child is for her to have a sibling.

Anyway, I digress. So right now, I say 3 fresh cycles. C, who at the beginning of all of this said that we should try this once and see how it goes, says to me yesterday that he would do all the 6 cycles that our insurance will pay, if I am willing and the IVF team continues to be optimistic that this will work for us. Even though we are not really on the same page in regards to how long we will continue this, I was so reassured that he wants this as much as I do. C has been so supportive throughout this whole process and I know that he has an appreciation that so much of the burden (physically and emotionally) falls on me. He is very careful not to assert his position to aggressively, because when it comes down to it, it is my body and I have final say of how much of this I want to take. But to hear him say that he not only "would" but "wants" to go the distance on this, gives me wind to my sails. Right now I feel like we can accomplish anything....look at me I'm ten feet tall and bulletproof! Okay, now I'm getting a little carried away, and I will have to flag this post as the apex of my optimism, especially when I am at the nadir of my cycle.

posting to say nothing

Not a whole lot is going on in the IVF arena, right now just hanging out on BCPs. I have a pap on Thursday (joy!), then Lupron next week. I am more focused on planning our trip to Disney, and connecting with friends that have fallen by the wayside. Consequently, my blogging and keeping up with message boards has suffered, so I apologize for the lack of commenting.

Work is finally getting better most days, I am feeling more comfortable with the job in general, so I'm not so stressed during my drive in. I've also started doing some carpooling which makes the financial pinch of the commute more tolerable.

cd4

Well, we are on our way. I started BCP yesterday. I have an HSG scheduled for Thursday. The HSG is to see if my uterus has healed well from the D&C. I am a bit bummed about the timing of the HSG as I will have to leave work to have it done. It is only about a 5 minute walk from our unit, but because I will be leaving the floor for a doctor's appointment, it took an act of congress to get it approved. Ok, not really, but I did have to notify my boss, and she in turn had to talk with the charge nurse that is going to be on that day and tell her why I have to leave. You see it is a pretty strict policy that we do not make any kind of appointments for a day that we are scheduled to work. Our unit is very unpredictable when it comes to planning a break. My boss is very understanding about the cycle driven schedule of IVF, so she is happy (well, maybe not happy, but understanding anyway) to accommodate my IVF scheduling needs. Unfortunately it is necessary to tell the charge nurse what is happening and why, because otherwise it looks like I am getting preferential treatment when it comes to leaving the floor. I'm sure this will come up again for follicle monitoring ultrasounds, ER and ET, so I guess I should just buck up and get used to it. I'm just not sure how ready I am for others to know about what I am going through.

Just the other day I overheard a fellow nurse make a comment about a patient who had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. Her comment was "now that is a baby that was meant to be". Does she mean that if it takes any effort to get pregnant it wasn't meant to be? I know you all have heard the same comments from unsuspecting friends or acquaintances. I don't know why it bothers me, it's none of their business, right? And yet, on some level, it must matter to me about what others think, I can't help it.

So, if all goes like it did the first time around, ER will be around Oct 8th. We will be hoping to do another 5dt, but that of course could change. It is surreal to think about my calendar. The IVF coordinator, while looking at my cycle initially was plotting it out to when I would have my pg test. I'm a little nervous as if all goes well this time around, I will be 10 weeks pregnant for our trip to Disney. Ok, ok, I can't get that far ahead of myself......

I'm excited about this cycle. What a difference from last time. I hate being a veteran at this, but I'm glad that I know my way around the meds, the u/s, the labile moods, etc.

My Own Personal Cheerleader

And believe it or not, that cheerleader is my RE. The follow up visit was pretty amazing. We talked about the miscarriage and the aftermath. I was actually impressed that she was very sensitive about women having their D&C in the clinic, rather than in the OR. She works with a lot of residents and she says she often hears them complain that doing a D&C in the OR is a waste of money and effort when it is a simple procedure that can be done in the office. Her response is that she can't imagine the emotional pain that women have to go through when they are asked abort the products of conception in the very place where they came to get pregnant. Speaking of residents, after the LPN took my vital signs she said "Okay, now Resident X will be in to see you". Well Resident X is someone that I work with. I actually just took care of his wife and his new baby about a week ago. Other than this latest interaction with he and his wife, which was very positive, I don't have a great track record with him. I was not about to talk with him about my miscarriage. I politely declined, but the LPN kept saying "but he's a third year resident". I'm glad I held my ground, I would have been pretty profoundly uncomfortable with him.

Anyway, back to the good stuff. We moved on to discuss our next cycle. Essentially the RE basically said that there was no reason other than old eggs and statistics on why the pregnancy didn't stick. We are not going to change the protocol. I stimmed well, I have mature eggs, they fertilized well, divided well, had several embryos that made it to pretty advanced stages of development, the two blasts they transferred were beautiful.....just bad luck this time. She is optimistic about IVF working for us, given how tuned in to the emotional aspect of this process, I don't think she would say something like that lightly. At the end of the meeting, she said that she would be my personal cheerleader...actually used those words.

Next, the IVF coordinator came in and discussed my potential schedule. I had some CM changes, so I think that AF will be coming in about a week. So we are looking at a tentative ER/ET week of October 6. It all seems very surreal thinking about stimming again, but this time I am excited and not so nervous. I've never been looking so forward to AF showing up in my life (ok, maybe once or twice in college....but I digress).

IVF #2 here I come

Lots and lots of things have been happening lately, so blogging has been put on the way back burner. Work has been tremendously stressful, so I'm glad not to be cycling at the moment. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the RE to discuss the past, and look toward the future. As of late we have been gung ho about starting another cycle as quickly as possible. Partly because I am feeling the pressure of the biological clock, and partly because I want something else to think about other than our successful, yet failed IVF#1.

However, I have a new goal - vacation. An honest to goodness vacation that doesn't involve going to visit family. We've been talking about Disney for awhile now, and it has been put on hold several times. Money is tight and we just weren't sure if it was fiscally responsible for us to go on a trip like that (we don't have a great track record with restraining our spending on vacation). C just found out that with his reward points from his credit card, we can get 3 airline tickets, plus pay for a rental car for the week, not too mention we could use my parents' timeshare...that pretty much sealed the deal for me. Right now I have time off the first week of December, but have no idea what will be happening IVF/pregnancy wise at that time, and when it will be okay to travel. That is going to be pretty high on my priority list to talk with the RE about. Our family desperately needs to take a vacation so I'm hoping that we can do whatever kind of manipulation to my cycle, without delaying the process much, to make it happen. We also thought about going to Ireland with the reward points....but Z is much to small to enjoy that type of sightseeing, so Disney it is.

I have all but gained back the weight that I lost at the beginning of the year. Ten pounds I credit to the IVF meds, and 7 pounds to the emotional eating after the pregnancy loss. I'm back on the exercise mode again and starting to feel a little better. My eating is still an issue, as I'm sure it always will be. C needs to lose weight as well, so we have decided to have a weekly "meeting" and plan our meals and exercise times for the up coming week. We need that rigid kind of scheduling, because otherwise something will come up and exercise will be secondary - when it really needs to be a priority for both of us.