A new month

Yesterday marks the beginning of a new month. Last month was a bit of a break because I was ovulating on the "wrong" side....no fallopian tube there, no direct path for sperm and egg to meet. It was nice actually. There was no pressure, no schedule, and other than continuing to monitor my bbt there was no counting. I did take clomid, because I have to start that before I know which is the chosen ovary. So, I get out the calendar and the phone and start making appointments for ultrasounds. My husband and I discuss the plan for the next few days. Regular doctor appointments mean juggling both our schedules. Sleeping during the day so I can work at night is not exactly conducive to driving 30 minutes one way to the doctor's office for a 4 minute ultrasound, especially on a day when my daughter does not go to daycare. I am hopeful this month - the first time in a long while. It will be our first IUI - if my left ovary decides to take the helm, otherwise it will be another month of nothing. I have not wanted to get my hopes up, in fear of what has been the inevitable disappointment. But I believe that negative thought/energy is not good for the body. I used to tell a friend of mine who had ovarian cancer that no matter how bad things seemed, there was "always room for hope", I need to believe that again.

I have just started reading other blogs online about infertility. I feel like (pardon the analogy) an infant in this process. There are so many abbreviations and lab work that I'm not familiar with- and I'm an L&D nurse. In one respect I am relieved to know there are so many out there that are sharing feelings that resonate deeply with my own. Other the hand, I am nervous that we are headed down a long road of disappointment. When I read about other women still unable to conceive after 3, 4, 7 years, my heart just sinks. Like most, 42 is my theoretical cut off for biological children, and that time feels like it is looming around the corner.

The beginning

Where to begin? I have a beautiful daughter, and I'm sure most would say that I should be thankful for what I have (and I am). The plan was to have at least two children. To date, that plan is failing. Unexplained secondary infertility is the label I now wear. I'm tired of tyring to find the right answer to "Are you planning on having anymore children?" without launching into any kind of real explanation. After all, people are usually just making polite conversation and don't expect your medical history when a simple "yes or no" will do. What makes this journey even tougher for me at the moment is that I am a labor and delivery nurse. I see joyful happy families everyday which is hard enough. But what is harder for me is to see the unplanned pregnancies, the teenager with a drug addiction now passed on to the baby, etc. "It's not fair!" is a common exclamation that bounces around in my head every single day.

So I am now in the 18 month of trying to conceive. This is a rude awakening as it only took 3 months the first time around. I work night shift, so just plain timing is not really on our side to start with. We have done ovulation predictor tests, BBT, clomid, sperm counts, HSG, and exploratory surgeries. During one surgery my right fallopian tube was removed and I was later diagnosed with adenomyosis (which is supposedly not affecting my fertility.....but hurts like hell for one week every month). Did I mention that I am of *gasp* advanced maternal age? We are just now starting the IUI process, but only during the month that I ovulate on the left side. Everytime I go into the doctor's office, there is a small hope that they will find something wrong - something to fix. So far at every turn there is nothing that needs treating, so why isn't this happening?....I know I can do it - I've done it before.

My friends and co-workers I'm sure are tired of hearing of my woes. Although, being in the baby business, a lot of colleagues are concerned and interested, but I'm tired of getting the same advice that EVERY woman with fertility issues get: "just relax and it will happen", "go on vacation", "have you tried....(fill in the blank - ie. elevating your pelvis, etc.). My husband, God bless him, can't fully understand - I don't think any man can, although he is more than sympathetic to how this has affected me emotionally and physically. Hormones, lack of sleep, and the stress of this process leaves my temper quick and he usually gets the brunt of my frustrations. I need to connect with women that have lived or are living this experience. I live in pretty remote location and I have not been able to find any local support groups....so I am casting my net into the blog world.