cd 3

Welcome to cd3. Isn't this crazy, but I have forgotten off the top of my head if this is my first or second month off of clomid. When did I do that clomid challenge....last month? After being so obsessive about charting for so long, I feel a bit out of control not having the statistics of my cycle as my first and most persistent thought throughout the day. Anyway, so far it has been an exciting cycle....warning....graphic AF description coming. It's red....really red and pretty heavy. Never thought I would be jumping for joy over a heavy period. But, considering for months now AF has lasted only a couple of days and has been almost black....my thought is that my lining is starting to rebound from all the months of clomid (10 cycles since fall of last year). So, what comes with this excitement? hope. There, I said it. There is a piece of me that thinks that clomid was more evil than good, and now that AF is back to normal and I am more "relaxed" (yes, I know, I said the "r" word) especially since I am likely going to take this new job, that there is hope that we can still do this the natural way. Don't worry, the excitement and hope won't stick around for long, I'm sure, but I'm going to embrace them while they are here - rather than escorting them to the door.

I have an appointment to talk with my boss on Monday morning re: new job opportunity. I know that she will understand, but it is going to be a difficult conversation. We are already short staffed, with little hope of finding experienced nurses for the holes in the schedule that we already have. I have a strong sense of loyalty to this department and I hate the idea of leaving them in a time of need.....but I have to put my family first.

Pr.os and C.ons

Ever wish someone would just tell you what is the right thing to do? I had my interview with the department manager Wednesday. I feel like this should be a black or white decision, and instead I find myself in a fog of gray. The department itself is very nice, and the people seem very nice. Let's look at some pro.s and co.ns of each job shall we?


Teeny Tiny Hospital (current)
2 nurses each shift
No LNAs
no unit secretary
no 24 pharmacy/housekeeping
200 births per year
little high risk experience
I'm comfortable in my position
25 minute commute
A lot of autonomy
Scheduling nightmares because of such a small staff
If the sh*t hits the fan, there is little to no back up
Night shift means that I see my daughter every day....even if it just getting her ready for pre-school, but night shift also means that I sleep on my "day off"

Night shift= more money, but I'm tired ALL THE TIME

NO IVF coverage



Big Scary Hospital
7-9 nurses each shift
3-4 LNAs each shift
2 unit secretaries
24 hour everything (read: I wouldn't have to mop the floors after deliveries)
1000 births per year
55% of births are high risk (read: I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing...of course there would be orientation)
1 hour commute
Because this is a teaching hospital, I would lose a lot of the autonomy that I am used to
With a push of a button (literally) the neonatalogy team arrives to assist in a delivery
Self scheduling, and although there is a weekend commitment, it is flexible
Day shift means that on the days that I work, I would not see my daughter (leave at 5:30am, come home at about 8:30 pm), but my days off would not be spent sleeping

Only day shift is available = less money, but I would have a human-like schedule

IVF covered up to $35,000



The last two items are what are giving me a headache. I keep going back to the fact that if it wasn't for IVF, I wouldn't even be looking at this new job......but now that I have, it seems like I shouldn't pass it up. However, we are already strapped for money so what is a little less money coming in and more money going out (on gas, wear and tear on the car, daycare) going to do to our budget.

*UPDATE*

I actually thought that I tanked a few of the questions during the interview, but I have already gotten a call from HR saying that my interview went "very well" and they want to move forward to checking references. I am expecting them to offer the job next week. After MUCH thought and MUCH talking with friends, family and therapist....it is foolish for me not to take the job. I discovered while I was making the above lists, that it is not the job that I am worried about, it is the IVF. This will be our last chance, and we will probably only get 3 cycles at the most. I am worried about not just failed cycles, but a miscarriage, being put on bed rest, and multiple gestation. We are coming to the finish line of this journey and that scares the crap out of me. Our options are diminishing rapidly. When I was on clomid there was always IUIs, while doing IUIs there was always the option of IVF. Now if IVF fails, my next step is likely a hysterectomy because of the adenomyosis pain. You can't get more definitive than that on closing the door to another biological child. I just don't think that I could live without regret if we don't at least try IVF.

Next stop on the infertility train: coping with my fears.

Hiatus

So I haven't been doing anything related to fertility this month....I mean, I don't even know what cd I'm on....couldn't tell you if I marked day one on my calendar for future reference even. It has been nice, sort of. The daily stress is not there which is absolutely freeing. But, I also feel like we are wasting precious time by not doing anything. Of course we are giving it the ol' college try the natural way, but I am less than optimistic that it will work that way. I originally had an appointment with the RE for Monday of this week, but I rescheduled. It seemed a little premature as I don't even know if I will be offered this new job. No new job = no IVF. I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse for once in my life. My interview is on Wednesday...not sure how long it will be before they make a decision.

So today I dusted off my keyboard. Sent out some long over due emails to friends that I have ignored in written correspondence (but never in thought). A dear friend of mine had a baby in May....MAY!! and I just got around to telling her congratulations today. Her email started with something like "I was wondering if I had the right email address for you". I didn't realize how much emotion I have been choking back until I started to write this email and explain what has been going on for the last several months. Tears came down my face as I typed the words IVF, new job and cancer. Although my unintentional hiatus seemed like a welcome change: no blogging, no checking blogs, no journaling, no tracking days or symptoms. In the process I feel like I have been absent from my own life.

So, I'm back.

I'm working out. I'm knitting. I'm connecting with friends. I'm listening to music that nourishes my heart. I'm carving out quiet time for my husband.

Hurry up and wait

I am in a bit of a panic. After several emails back and forth to the HR department, I had an interview set with the department manager for Oct 25. That would be really good timing for me. It would mean that if they did offer me the job, and I accepted, then orientation would start on Nov 26. They only do ENO (experienced nurse orientation) once a month, and they will not have an orientation in Dec because of the holidays. Insurance (aka- eligibility for IVF) would start on the first day of the second month (if I start in Nov, insurance would be effective in Jan). So I would be looking at IVF in Feb. BUT, today I got another email and they needed to reschedule my appointment for Nov 7. Assuming that they extend an offer right away, it is barely enough time to put in my notice at work and start by Nov 26. So, if that start date doesn't work out, then it would be late Jan before I would start work and April before IVF is possible. I just want to cry. Six and a half months seems like a lifetime away. I know that time will probably pass more quickly than I think it will in this moment, it is just exasperating to think that after almost 2 years I will have to wait this long because of administrative delays.

So now I need to get cracking on getting letters of reference from present and past supervisors (they won't make an offer without them). I also need to contact the new state and go through the process of getting my nursing license endorsed.....wish it was an simple process....not so much. Let me just say that the easiest part is getting fingerprinted, yes fingerprinted. I also have to have an FBI background check!

Interiew and Stuff

I had an interview today with HR at the big scary hospital. (The APRN at the fertility clinic said that she didn't think I would have a problem getting the job...here's hoping.) The interview went well, although it was very formal in a way. She went down a list of questions, taking notes as I answered. Over all the whole process was a bit formulaic right down to my salary - which she literally plugged in my number of years (right down to the month) experience into a computer program and it spat out a number. Mind you it was a good number....about $4.00 per hour more than I am making now. Next step is an interview with the nurse manager. If all goes well, orientation would start Nov 26. Benefits would not be effective until Jan 1, so it looks like 2008 will be the earliest we can do IVF. I don't really know how I feel about all of this. I am not jumping out of my skin for this job, if it wasn't for the IVF I wouldn't even be looking. But it is a good opportunity, the benefits, the salary, clinical experience. Really the only cons in this situation is that I like my current job and the 1 hour commute. Anyway, back to IF stuff.

I had a follow up with after we got all our blood work and SA results. Here they are:

CD3 FSH - 4.9 (yippee)

CD10 FSH - 5.0

CD3 estrogen- 31

SA count - 125 million

morphology 6%



Essentially other than my age and lack of a fallopian tube, everything is peachy keen. Although, they are still recommending IVF. As the APRN said my "window is closing". So we have an appointment on November 5th with the actual RE (a woman - yay). Then we will decide on when we actually want to start the process. A big part of this is the potential for starting a new job. I don't really want to be the new kid on the block and immediately have to ask for time off, on the other hand, I don't really want to wait too much longer either.

10-1-68

Happy Birthday to me!

Just one year closer to the precipice of being even more infertile.

A Long Walk Spoiled

Well, the family reunion was nice. We visited with cousins that I have not seen since our wedding in 2001. The whole weekend was very busy - as it is usually down there. I did get to go on a lovely long walk with my SIL and talk about my woes. At the beginning of this journey (Jan 2006) I was pretty open about our intentions. I especially talked to my co-workers about the probability of VBAC-ing. Just about everyone at work knew when we had resorted to medical interventions. Now, it is a very different story. Only one person has asked about what has been going on during the last couple of weeks and the only thing I could think of to say is: "you don't want to know". I am learning the hard way that if I don't want to hear "just relax" then I shouldn't tell anyone what we are going through, because unless the person has been there, that is the standard response. So in light of all that, it was nice to be able to talk to someone IRL that just listened- didn't offer any suggestions. The best thing she said during this talk was that "only (I) knew what was best for my family, nobody can make this decision for (me)." Of course I know this in my heart, but it was nice to hear.



Thursday I went on another long walk with some new friends that I have met through my daughter's preschool. Both women have two children and are around my age. Their youngest children (8 months and 18 months) came with us on the walk, so it was an hour and a half of juggling strollers and babies. About half way through the walk my career came up and then it was almost non-stop discussion about birth experiences. I also mentioned that I was looking into applying to a larger hospital. Then, and I knew it was coming "so, are you going to have anymore kids?" Well, I fumbled, must have seem like an idiot - it's an easy question for most right? But I really like these women, I feel like there is a connection. So I ever so briefly spilled the beans. "We've been trying for a long time, looks like we need IVF". Drum roll......."you should just relax" "you should get a dog".......sigh. All I could say was "it's not that easy" and closed the book on that conversation. What was I thinking?



So today my mind is spinning a little. Am I in the 2ww? Once again this month I have done no monitoring. I have had no CM changes so I haven't a clue when I O'd. I am waiting to hear back from the clinic on my clomid challenge results. I'm not really expecting anything unusual as my last FSH was 4- but that was last year. How quickly can those eggs go bad? I am harboring some hope that since I hit the "submit" button on my application to the big scary hospital, that this of course means that I will be pregnant this month. Silly rabbit, why do I put my self through this mental torture? It's my birthday in a couple of days. I will be sleeping for most of it as I work the night before. I'm not sure if there will be any hoopla. I have mixed feelings about even acknowledging this event. I will be 39...THIRTY NINE!