Not a whole lot is going on in the IVF arena, right now just hanging out on BCPs. I have a pap on Thursday (joy!), then Lupron next week. I am more focused on planning our trip to Disney, and connecting with friends that have fallen by the wayside. Consequently, my blogging and keeping up with message boards has suffered, so I apologize for the lack of commenting.
Work is finally getting better most days, I am feeling more comfortable with the job in general, so I'm not so stressed during my drive in. I've also started doing some carpooling which makes the financial pinch of the commute more tolerable.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
cd4
Well, we are on our way. I started BCP yesterday. I have an HSG scheduled for Thursday. The HSG is to see if my uterus has healed well from the D&C. I am a bit bummed about the timing of the HSG as I will have to leave work to have it done. It is only about a 5 minute walk from our unit, but because I will be leaving the floor for a doctor's appointment, it took an act of congress to get it approved. Ok, not really, but I did have to notify my boss, and she in turn had to talk with the charge nurse that is going to be on that day and tell her why I have to leave. You see it is a pretty strict policy that we do not make any kind of appointments for a day that we are scheduled to work. Our unit is very unpredictable when it comes to planning a break. My boss is very understanding about the cycle driven schedule of IVF, so she is happy (well, maybe not happy, but understanding anyway) to accommodate my IVF scheduling needs. Unfortunately it is necessary to tell the charge nurse what is happening and why, because otherwise it looks like I am getting preferential treatment when it comes to leaving the floor. I'm sure this will come up again for follicle monitoring ultrasounds, ER and ET, so I guess I should just buck up and get used to it. I'm just not sure how ready I am for others to know about what I am going through.
Just the other day I overheard a fellow nurse make a comment about a patient who had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. Her comment was "now that is a baby that was meant to be". Does she mean that if it takes any effort to get pregnant it wasn't meant to be? I know you all have heard the same comments from unsuspecting friends or acquaintances. I don't know why it bothers me, it's none of their business, right? And yet, on some level, it must matter to me about what others think, I can't help it.
So, if all goes like it did the first time around, ER will be around Oct 8th. We will be hoping to do another 5dt, but that of course could change. It is surreal to think about my calendar. The IVF coordinator, while looking at my cycle initially was plotting it out to when I would have my pg test. I'm a little nervous as if all goes well this time around, I will be 10 weeks pregnant for our trip to Disney. Ok, ok, I can't get that far ahead of myself......
I'm excited about this cycle. What a difference from last time. I hate being a veteran at this, but I'm glad that I know my way around the meds, the u/s, the labile moods, etc.
Just the other day I overheard a fellow nurse make a comment about a patient who had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. Her comment was "now that is a baby that was meant to be". Does she mean that if it takes any effort to get pregnant it wasn't meant to be? I know you all have heard the same comments from unsuspecting friends or acquaintances. I don't know why it bothers me, it's none of their business, right? And yet, on some level, it must matter to me about what others think, I can't help it.
So, if all goes like it did the first time around, ER will be around Oct 8th. We will be hoping to do another 5dt, but that of course could change. It is surreal to think about my calendar. The IVF coordinator, while looking at my cycle initially was plotting it out to when I would have my pg test. I'm a little nervous as if all goes well this time around, I will be 10 weeks pregnant for our trip to Disney. Ok, ok, I can't get that far ahead of myself......
I'm excited about this cycle. What a difference from last time. I hate being a veteran at this, but I'm glad that I know my way around the meds, the u/s, the labile moods, etc.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
My Own Personal Cheerleader
And believe it or not, that cheerleader is my RE. The follow up visit was pretty amazing. We talked about the miscarriage and the aftermath. I was actually impressed that she was very sensitive about women having their D&C in the clinic, rather than in the OR. She works with a lot of residents and she says she often hears them complain that doing a D&C in the OR is a waste of money and effort when it is a simple procedure that can be done in the office. Her response is that she can't imagine the emotional pain that women have to go through when they are asked abort the products of conception in the very place where they came to get pregnant. Speaking of residents, after the LPN took my vital signs she said "Okay, now Resident X will be in to see you". Well Resident X is someone that I work with. I actually just took care of his wife and his new baby about a week ago. Other than this latest interaction with he and his wife, which was very positive, I don't have a great track record with him. I was not about to talk with him about my miscarriage. I politely declined, but the LPN kept saying "but he's a third year resident". I'm glad I held my ground, I would have been pretty profoundly uncomfortable with him.
Anyway, back to the good stuff. We moved on to discuss our next cycle. Essentially the RE basically said that there was no reason other than old eggs and statistics on why the pregnancy didn't stick. We are not going to change the protocol. I stimmed well, I have mature eggs, they fertilized well, divided well, had several embryos that made it to pretty advanced stages of development, the two blasts they transferred were beautiful.....just bad luck this time. She is optimistic about IVF working for us, given how tuned in to the emotional aspect of this process, I don't think she would say something like that lightly. At the end of the meeting, she said that she would be my personal cheerleader...actually used those words.
Next, the IVF coordinator came in and discussed my potential schedule. I had some CM changes, so I think that AF will be coming in about a week. So we are looking at a tentative ER/ET week of October 6. It all seems very surreal thinking about stimming again, but this time I am excited and not so nervous. I've never been looking so forward to AF showing up in my life (ok, maybe once or twice in college....but I digress).
Anyway, back to the good stuff. We moved on to discuss our next cycle. Essentially the RE basically said that there was no reason other than old eggs and statistics on why the pregnancy didn't stick. We are not going to change the protocol. I stimmed well, I have mature eggs, they fertilized well, divided well, had several embryos that made it to pretty advanced stages of development, the two blasts they transferred were beautiful.....just bad luck this time. She is optimistic about IVF working for us, given how tuned in to the emotional aspect of this process, I don't think she would say something like that lightly. At the end of the meeting, she said that she would be my personal cheerleader...actually used those words.
Next, the IVF coordinator came in and discussed my potential schedule. I had some CM changes, so I think that AF will be coming in about a week. So we are looking at a tentative ER/ET week of October 6. It all seems very surreal thinking about stimming again, but this time I am excited and not so nervous. I've never been looking so forward to AF showing up in my life (ok, maybe once or twice in college....but I digress).
Monday, August 4, 2008
IVF #2 here I come
Lots and lots of things have been happening lately, so blogging has been put on the way back burner. Work has been tremendously stressful, so I'm glad not to be cycling at the moment. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the RE to discuss the past, and look toward the future. As of late we have been gung ho about starting another cycle as quickly as possible. Partly because I am feeling the pressure of the biological clock, and partly because I want something else to think about other than our successful, yet failed IVF#1.
However, I have a new goal - vacation. An honest to goodness vacation that doesn't involve going to visit family. We've been talking about Disney for awhile now, and it has been put on hold several times. Money is tight and we just weren't sure if it was fiscally responsible for us to go on a trip like that (we don't have a great track record with restraining our spending on vacation). C just found out that with his reward points from his credit card, we can get 3 airline tickets, plus pay for a rental car for the week, not too mention we could use my parents' timeshare...that pretty much sealed the deal for me. Right now I have time off the first week of December, but have no idea what will be happening IVF/pregnancy wise at that time, and when it will be okay to travel. That is going to be pretty high on my priority list to talk with the RE about. Our family desperately needs to take a vacation so I'm hoping that we can do whatever kind of manipulation to my cycle, without delaying the process much, to make it happen. We also thought about going to Ireland with the reward points....but Z is much to small to enjoy that type of sightseeing, so Disney it is.
I have all but gained back the weight that I lost at the beginning of the year. Ten pounds I credit to the IVF meds, and 7 pounds to the emotional eating after the pregnancy loss. I'm back on the exercise mode again and starting to feel a little better. My eating is still an issue, as I'm sure it always will be. C needs to lose weight as well, so we have decided to have a weekly "meeting" and plan our meals and exercise times for the up coming week. We need that rigid kind of scheduling, because otherwise something will come up and exercise will be secondary - when it really needs to be a priority for both of us.
However, I have a new goal - vacation. An honest to goodness vacation that doesn't involve going to visit family. We've been talking about Disney for awhile now, and it has been put on hold several times. Money is tight and we just weren't sure if it was fiscally responsible for us to go on a trip like that (we don't have a great track record with restraining our spending on vacation). C just found out that with his reward points from his credit card, we can get 3 airline tickets, plus pay for a rental car for the week, not too mention we could use my parents' timeshare...that pretty much sealed the deal for me. Right now I have time off the first week of December, but have no idea what will be happening IVF/pregnancy wise at that time, and when it will be okay to travel. That is going to be pretty high on my priority list to talk with the RE about. Our family desperately needs to take a vacation so I'm hoping that we can do whatever kind of manipulation to my cycle, without delaying the process much, to make it happen. We also thought about going to Ireland with the reward points....but Z is much to small to enjoy that type of sightseeing, so Disney it is.
I have all but gained back the weight that I lost at the beginning of the year. Ten pounds I credit to the IVF meds, and 7 pounds to the emotional eating after the pregnancy loss. I'm back on the exercise mode again and starting to feel a little better. My eating is still an issue, as I'm sure it always will be. C needs to lose weight as well, so we have decided to have a weekly "meeting" and plan our meals and exercise times for the up coming week. We need that rigid kind of scheduling, because otherwise something will come up and exercise will be secondary - when it really needs to be a priority for both of us.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Grief
The following is a excerpt from one of my favorite books "The Book of Qualities" by Ruth Gendler. In this book, it personifies many different emotions and virtues. I stumbled across the book today and was flipping through it, looking for a little nugget of script that I might paint on my daughter's wall like "Truth is not willing to live without Love". Instead tonight I found myself drawn to reading this:
Grief
Before she came to this town Grief was a woman named Eliea. She was a potter, and she glazed her big-bellied pots with earth colors until they shone like dull bronze. She had four children. The daughters live inland now in the distant foothills, and the oldest son left the family as soon as he could get away. It was the young boy with the golden curls and the laughing eyes who gave her great joy. He loved the ocean. He was barely walking when he learned to swim and not much older when he started to sail. One day about two years ago the sailors brought his boat home empty.
Never have I heard such sounds of weeping as when Grief found out her son had drowned. She screamed and howled. She stamped her feet and smashed her pots and bowls. She ate with all her fingers. She tore at her hair, and it grew wild and matted. She wandered from place to place with no sense of where she was or how she came there.
One day at the edge of the forest Grief heard another woman crying out. She spoke with her. She listened to her story. Grief was surprised. She had never met anyone else who had suffered as she had. Together the women sat in the clearing and mourned their children. Through the long afternoon, through the twilight, through the night, they wept and wept and wept and wept. In the morning Grief was washed clean of her tears. She came to our town and started to do her real work.
Thank you to everyone who has shared and mourned and wept. I feel like it is time to come out of the forest and once again begin my real work.
Grief
Before she came to this town Grief was a woman named Eliea. She was a potter, and she glazed her big-bellied pots with earth colors until they shone like dull bronze. She had four children. The daughters live inland now in the distant foothills, and the oldest son left the family as soon as he could get away. It was the young boy with the golden curls and the laughing eyes who gave her great joy. He loved the ocean. He was barely walking when he learned to swim and not much older when he started to sail. One day about two years ago the sailors brought his boat home empty.
Never have I heard such sounds of weeping as when Grief found out her son had drowned. She screamed and howled. She stamped her feet and smashed her pots and bowls. She ate with all her fingers. She tore at her hair, and it grew wild and matted. She wandered from place to place with no sense of where she was or how she came there.
One day at the edge of the forest Grief heard another woman crying out. She spoke with her. She listened to her story. Grief was surprised. She had never met anyone else who had suffered as she had. Together the women sat in the clearing and mourned their children. Through the long afternoon, through the twilight, through the night, they wept and wept and wept and wept. In the morning Grief was washed clean of her tears. She came to our town and started to do her real work.
Thank you to everyone who has shared and mourned and wept. I feel like it is time to come out of the forest and once again begin my real work.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Adding Insult to Injury
As an added bonus for my return to work today - a co-worker found out that she was pregnant! By mistake! With an IUD in place!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Here
* pregnancy loss and child mentioned*
I'm slowly coming back out of my shell. Going back to work was brutal. Being around a unit full of new moms and babes is not exactly therapeutic for me. I had to leave early the first two shifts, but actually did make it through a full 12 hours last Monday. Since then I have been off on "vacation". We did not go anywhere, but this was planned time off from many months ago.
My daughter turned 4 this week, and this has been a non-stop celebration with family coming and going throughout the week. It has been a good distraction, but as tomorrow grows near, I am becoming more tense about going back to work. This time of year is always emotionally charged for me because not only is it my daughter's birthday (we started ttc when she was 18 months old), but in a few days it will be the anniversary of the death of my dear friend. She passed away 12 days after the birth of my daughter.
As far as work goes, I ended up sending out an email to the people that I work with on day shift. I have not been myself, people have seen me crying in the corner when a co-worker is asking how I'm doing. I sent the email partly to squelch rumors, but also to gain a little slack when it comes to assignments (I don't think that I could handle doing a 2nd trimester termination for genetic anomalies right now). I told them in the email that I have experienced a pregnancy loss and I am trying to figure out how to cope in an environment filled with babies. My hands were literally shaking as I pushed the "send" button. It is terrifying exposing myself to co-workers that I don't know very well. However, I have to say that the response has been overwhelmingly supportive.
Going back a week or so.....the D&C was awful. I was given 5 mg of valium and 2 percocet to take 45 minutes before the procedure (which was to be done in the office). I was so loopy by the time we got to the clinic, that C had to get a wheelchair for me just to get me from the car to the office. The RE went through instructions and a brief description of the procedure, all which were very fuzzy to me. The D&C itself was profoundly painful, and I do remember crying during the procedure. (I have made a not so subtle mental note that if there is a next time, this will be done in the OR and I will be COMPLETELY anesthetized!!!). Afterwards I started throwing up, I think it was from the percocet. No one seemed too concerned about the vomiting, and C had to go find someone to make sure it was okay that we just walked out. I slept most of the way home, then threw up some more once we got back to our house. The rest of the day I hung out in bed, sleeping intermittently. It took me exactly one week to stop bleeding. Now I just wait until AF, then I suppose we start over again. I have not heard from the RE's office, other than a letter regarding the pathology from the D&C. It was one of those template letters..."[insert name] hope you are recovering well from your procedure...." blah blah blah. And by the way you don't have cancer. WTF?! I guess I didn't realize that is what they were looking for when they were doing the pathology. Is it too much to expect my IVF nurse call after a pregnancy loss just to say "are you okay?" I've checked the stats on my clinic and although it is a large teaching hospital, they do not do large numbers of IVF....I guess I thought I would get a little more personalized attention....silly me.
C and I are dealing with things quite differently. I am trying to figure out how to get by day to day, and sometimes hour to hour. A dear friend sent some books on coping with a pregnancy loss, I've tried to read it, but every time I start, I begin to crying and can't see. C is very supportive, but he is looking to the future. I once said that if IVF did not work for us, I would concentrate on getting my master's. So he has brought up me going back to school, as well as trying multiple IVFs. Our insurance will pay for 5 more fresh cycles.....still don't think we would take it that far, 40 is looming and I don't want to keep doing this for another year. But for now, we wait. Waiting again for AF. I do want to jump right into another cycle, I'm just hoping that it won't take AF 12 weeks to show up.
Did I mention that another cousin's wife is pregnant.....with twins.....through IVF? *sigh*
I'm slowly coming back out of my shell. Going back to work was brutal. Being around a unit full of new moms and babes is not exactly therapeutic for me. I had to leave early the first two shifts, but actually did make it through a full 12 hours last Monday. Since then I have been off on "vacation". We did not go anywhere, but this was planned time off from many months ago.
My daughter turned 4 this week, and this has been a non-stop celebration with family coming and going throughout the week. It has been a good distraction, but as tomorrow grows near, I am becoming more tense about going back to work. This time of year is always emotionally charged for me because not only is it my daughter's birthday (we started ttc when she was 18 months old), but in a few days it will be the anniversary of the death of my dear friend. She passed away 12 days after the birth of my daughter.
As far as work goes, I ended up sending out an email to the people that I work with on day shift. I have not been myself, people have seen me crying in the corner when a co-worker is asking how I'm doing. I sent the email partly to squelch rumors, but also to gain a little slack when it comes to assignments (I don't think that I could handle doing a 2nd trimester termination for genetic anomalies right now). I told them in the email that I have experienced a pregnancy loss and I am trying to figure out how to cope in an environment filled with babies. My hands were literally shaking as I pushed the "send" button. It is terrifying exposing myself to co-workers that I don't know very well. However, I have to say that the response has been overwhelmingly supportive.
Going back a week or so.....the D&C was awful. I was given 5 mg of valium and 2 percocet to take 45 minutes before the procedure (which was to be done in the office). I was so loopy by the time we got to the clinic, that C had to get a wheelchair for me just to get me from the car to the office. The RE went through instructions and a brief description of the procedure, all which were very fuzzy to me. The D&C itself was profoundly painful, and I do remember crying during the procedure. (I have made a not so subtle mental note that if there is a next time, this will be done in the OR and I will be COMPLETELY anesthetized!!!). Afterwards I started throwing up, I think it was from the percocet. No one seemed too concerned about the vomiting, and C had to go find someone to make sure it was okay that we just walked out. I slept most of the way home, then threw up some more once we got back to our house. The rest of the day I hung out in bed, sleeping intermittently. It took me exactly one week to stop bleeding. Now I just wait until AF, then I suppose we start over again. I have not heard from the RE's office, other than a letter regarding the pathology from the D&C. It was one of those template letters..."[insert name] hope you are recovering well from your procedure...." blah blah blah. And by the way you don't have cancer. WTF?! I guess I didn't realize that is what they were looking for when they were doing the pathology. Is it too much to expect my IVF nurse call after a pregnancy loss just to say "are you okay?" I've checked the stats on my clinic and although it is a large teaching hospital, they do not do large numbers of IVF....I guess I thought I would get a little more personalized attention....silly me.
C and I are dealing with things quite differently. I am trying to figure out how to get by day to day, and sometimes hour to hour. A dear friend sent some books on coping with a pregnancy loss, I've tried to read it, but every time I start, I begin to crying and can't see. C is very supportive, but he is looking to the future. I once said that if IVF did not work for us, I would concentrate on getting my master's. So he has brought up me going back to school, as well as trying multiple IVFs. Our insurance will pay for 5 more fresh cycles.....still don't think we would take it that far, 40 is looming and I don't want to keep doing this for another year. But for now, we wait. Waiting again for AF. I do want to jump right into another cycle, I'm just hoping that it won't take AF 12 weeks to show up.
Did I mention that another cousin's wife is pregnant.....with twins.....through IVF? *sigh*
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