I finally got a large dose of much needed warm and fuzzies. Yesterday we had an IVF mandated session with a psychologist. We had no idea what to expect. It turned out to be almost 2 hours with a fantastic woman. She was getting our background, general life experiences and our expectations for the IVF process. She spent a lot of time on what we needed from the IVF team to calm our nerves. I guess I come across as a bit compulsive because she said that from what she could see, not only do my ducks need to be in a row, they need to be dressed, groomed and with manicures. Hmmmm....okay so maybe I should lighten up a bit. The beauty of this meeting was that she will take all of this information back to "the team". She is part of a weekly IVF meeting that discusses each case. I really feel she will be an advocate for me and I feel that there is a sort of safety net for us in case I lose it.
So with that meeting complete, I am just waiting for AF. During the ultrasound last week I had the tech look specifically at my left ovary to see if that looked like my ovulating side this month. She did in fact see the largest follicle on the left so C and I have been giving it the last natural go round.
We are off to my parent's house for Easter this weekend. We are calling this the "Easter Olympics" because they have so much planned for us to do in 2 days that we will pretty much be going from venue to venue. On the agenda so far is: ice skating, swimming, boccie, kite flying, croquet, egg hunt, egg decorating, and bowling. Some of the activities will be weather dependent, but my mom suggested playing bocci in the basement if needed.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Relief
Yesterday was a big day. I told my boss. I had been dreading this moment. Would she immediately see right through me and say "you only took this job for the IVF benefits, didn't you?" I wouldn't say she was ecstatic, but she definitely understood and appreciated my situation. The first thing she said was that she was glad that I came to her first and told her early (partly so that she could anticipate a hopefully relatively soon maternity leave). Of course I will schedule as much as I can on days off and if I need time off during a shift, they will happily accommodate my needs. The day got even better when I talked to the woman in charge of my orientation schedule. She was very warm and fuzzy and full of hugs and excitement. My latest concern about my schedule had been that I anticipate the week of ER and transfer will be around my last week of orientation. "No problem", she says. There is one week that I will need to spend doing some "classwork". It is a self study module.....so I will do that the week of ER and transfer. I almost cried of relief.
Earlier in the week I had my ultrasound and mock transfer - ouch. Everything was fine and looks clear with no problems anticipated for transfer. The results of my clomid challenge are another story. Since I had my day 10 FSH done at the hospital where I work, I looked up my results: 10. Piss. I don't know what my day 3 FSH or E2 is yet. My FSH 6 months ago was 5. I've heard that the results are only as good as your worst FSH, so I'm becoming less optimistic. In the online research that I've done, 10 is the bottom of the range for not responding well to the IVF hormones. If there is anyone out there still reading this and has any input, please let me know what your experience has been. I don't officially meet with my RE until April 9, but I will probably be getting my calendar dates in the next couple of weeks, and AF is due to arrive end of March -first of April. I'm trying desperately not to get too pessimistic without more information.
Earlier in the week I had my ultrasound and mock transfer - ouch. Everything was fine and looks clear with no problems anticipated for transfer. The results of my clomid challenge are another story. Since I had my day 10 FSH done at the hospital where I work, I looked up my results: 10. Piss. I don't know what my day 3 FSH or E2 is yet. My FSH 6 months ago was 5. I've heard that the results are only as good as your worst FSH, so I'm becoming less optimistic. In the online research that I've done, 10 is the bottom of the range for not responding well to the IVF hormones. If there is anyone out there still reading this and has any input, please let me know what your experience has been. I don't officially meet with my RE until April 9, but I will probably be getting my calendar dates in the next couple of weeks, and AF is due to arrive end of March -first of April. I'm trying desperately not to get too pessimistic without more information.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
The beginning of the end?
Why is there always a pregnant woman doing her glucose tolerace test at the lab when I am there for IF blood work? ALWAYS.
We are starting to move forward and it scares the poop out of me. I start clomid today....another clomid challenge. I'm not sure how much they think is going to change in 6 months, but I suppose they are more cautious because of my age. Next Monday is an ultrasound with mock transfer. Then more blood work and a mandatory meeting with a psychologist. As long as there is nothing unexpected, we will start cycling the first week of April(ish). It is surreal that we are making the final steps to leap off this precipice. As much research as I have done, there are so many unknowns.
Last night I had a very weird experience. Out of nowhere I had vertigo. I thought I was going to puke. When I laid down I felt like I was drunk and had the bed spins. The spins finally went away, but only as long as I laid perfectly still. If I turned over, it started all over. I ended up calling out sick from work for today. I'm feeling a little guilty right now, as I am feeling much better, though still dizzy....this is turning out to be a mental health day.
We are starting to move forward and it scares the poop out of me. I start clomid today....another clomid challenge. I'm not sure how much they think is going to change in 6 months, but I suppose they are more cautious because of my age. Next Monday is an ultrasound with mock transfer. Then more blood work and a mandatory meeting with a psychologist. As long as there is nothing unexpected, we will start cycling the first week of April(ish). It is surreal that we are making the final steps to leap off this precipice. As much research as I have done, there are so many unknowns.
Last night I had a very weird experience. Out of nowhere I had vertigo. I thought I was going to puke. When I laid down I felt like I was drunk and had the bed spins. The spins finally went away, but only as long as I laid perfectly still. If I turned over, it started all over. I ended up calling out sick from work for today. I'm feeling a little guilty right now, as I am feeling much better, though still dizzy....this is turning out to be a mental health day.
Monday, February 4, 2008
cd4 but all is well
Last week I felt that sneaky, creeping suspicion that we might have a bfp this cycle (sans any type of intervention). I have lost almost 10 pounds, I am on a somewhat regular schedule (read: I'm sleeping at night and working during the day), and I am exercising. Silly me did expect the miraculous bfp because of some lifestyle changes and "relaxing". Alas AF decided to rear her ugly head anyway. But there is some good news in all of the this. Some very good news.
I have been in experienced nurse orientation for the last two weeks and yesterday was my first day on the new birthing unit. I was nervous at first, there was not a real warm reception in the morning. The first person I talked to was a traveling nurse and she was quite bitter because her contract was not being renewed and it seemed that she was mad at me for taking her job. I learned last week that there has been high turn over this department and that the feedback the unit manager has gotten from new employees is that the staff is aloof and unwelcoming. By the end of the day I would say that is very far from what I experienced. I really enjoyed my preceptor and the whole staff was hysterical and included me in all their little inside jokes. The Superbowl party in the middle of the nurses' station (complete with chips, dip and an ice cream sundae station) probably helped lighten the atmosphere quite a bit. The job itself is going to be challenging professionally and personally. There are not always "good outcomes" as this is a very high risk obstetric unit. I don't dare write about any of that here. I will have at least 6-8 weeks of orientation and more if I need it. More and more I feel like this was the right decision....although the 1.5 hours I have to allow to get to work SUCKS!
Okay, so here is the best news....I saved the best for last. I stopped by the OB/GYN financial advisor after I received my packet of benefits the other day. I wanted to make sure that I chose the right plan that would cover IVF and what I could expect for out of pocket expenses. I had been told in previous appointments that the IVF benefit was limited to $35,000 - no matter what procedure was being done. We have guesstimated that to be about 2 fresh cycles and maybe one FET. Apparently that has changed and as of January 1st, the benefit is for 6 fresh cycles....no cap on price. That means that with my co-pays and deductible, one year's worth of IVF will cost me $450. Yes, I cried tears of joy for once in the financial advisor's office. I don't know if we would ever use the full 6 cycles....mostly because I feel like I am getting too old to drag it out that long. I truly felt a physical relief of stress/pressure knowing that we could have more that 2 chances if needed.
I have been in experienced nurse orientation for the last two weeks and yesterday was my first day on the new birthing unit. I was nervous at first, there was not a real warm reception in the morning. The first person I talked to was a traveling nurse and she was quite bitter because her contract was not being renewed and it seemed that she was mad at me for taking her job. I learned last week that there has been high turn over this department and that the feedback the unit manager has gotten from new employees is that the staff is aloof and unwelcoming. By the end of the day I would say that is very far from what I experienced. I really enjoyed my preceptor and the whole staff was hysterical and included me in all their little inside jokes. The Superbowl party in the middle of the nurses' station (complete with chips, dip and an ice cream sundae station) probably helped lighten the atmosphere quite a bit. The job itself is going to be challenging professionally and personally. There are not always "good outcomes" as this is a very high risk obstetric unit. I don't dare write about any of that here. I will have at least 6-8 weeks of orientation and more if I need it. More and more I feel like this was the right decision....although the 1.5 hours I have to allow to get to work SUCKS!
Okay, so here is the best news....I saved the best for last. I stopped by the OB/GYN financial advisor after I received my packet of benefits the other day. I wanted to make sure that I chose the right plan that would cover IVF and what I could expect for out of pocket expenses. I had been told in previous appointments that the IVF benefit was limited to $35,000 - no matter what procedure was being done. We have guesstimated that to be about 2 fresh cycles and maybe one FET. Apparently that has changed and as of January 1st, the benefit is for 6 fresh cycles....no cap on price. That means that with my co-pays and deductible, one year's worth of IVF will cost me $450. Yes, I cried tears of joy for once in the financial advisor's office. I don't know if we would ever use the full 6 cycles....mostly because I feel like I am getting too old to drag it out that long. I truly felt a physical relief of stress/pressure knowing that we could have more that 2 chances if needed.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Losing Momentum
How can it be that I have hardly thinking about IF these days?! I am in the middle of a two week "experienced nurse orientation" program at the new hospital, so I suppose that all of my energy is spent there right now. I don't really like to think about IF too much right now because the reality is that we will be starting our final leg of this journey in the next couple of months. I can't comprehend what next year will look like - baby or no baby, hysterectomy or not, Z as an only child permanently or with sibling(s). It just makes my head spin.
In the next couple of weeks I have to make some financial decisions in regard to a pre-tax medical spending account. I suppose that in order to not lose any money I put into the account, I should assume that we will only do this once - but how realistic is that?
There are so many question marks and I just don't have the ambition to pursue the answers right now.
In the next couple of weeks I have to make some financial decisions in regard to a pre-tax medical spending account. I suppose that in order to not lose any money I put into the account, I should assume that we will only do this once - but how realistic is that?
There are so many question marks and I just don't have the ambition to pursue the answers right now.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Change and Nothingness
I am starting my second week of being gloriously unemployed. My last shift at the teeny tiny hospital was last Sunday and I start my new job next Monday. I'll be easing into the new hospital with a week and a half of "experienced nurse orientation", then I will hit the floor (possibly literally). Still not really excited....I suppose that I am hopeful that I will like the job. C is already talking about the possibility of moving somewhere half way between here and there because he is anticipating that I will fall in love with this new job/hospital. We'll soon see.
So far I'm enjoying living life during the daylight hours. A friend told me that it can take up to a month before your internal clock resets after coming off of night shift, but I already feel a difference. It is a little difficult to ascertain why I am feeling so good at the moment as there have been a lot of changes in the last couple of weeks. I am exercising 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer 3-5 days a week. Weight watchers online is proving helpful and I am eating better and have lost 5 pounds. I am going to bed at reasonable hours and waking up at a consistent time. I am trying to connect with fold friends and make new ones. During this temporary "unemployment" I have virtually no responsibilities except to my family, and we have spent some amazing family time together. Last weekend we went ice skating (Z's first time ever and C's first time since 6th grade!). I come from a family of skaters (brother refereed ice hockey in the Olympics in Torino, dad used to coach hockey.....) So it was a new sensation to be the most experienced.
The other big difference in the last couple of weeks is of course the whole IF thing. I'm not really thinking about it too much. I have a general idea of when AF was here, but could not tell you what cd I'm on. I have learned nothing about keeping my mouth shut when discussing IF with those who don't have a clue. I had playdate/lunch with a girl in Z's gymnastic class and her mother last week. She has four children, and of course the last was unexpected. I have been friendly with this woman for several months and our daughters get along great, but this was the first time we have done something together outside of the gym. Over lunch she asks the inevitable question "so are you going to have more kids?" Me: .......pause.....big sigh......stalling for time........."we're working on it". She: "It'll happen sooner than you know". I should have just left it there and smiled. Why did I feel the need to explain that it has already been 2 years and we are going through treatment? Well, for what ever reason, I did explain it - briefly. She: "Have you ever thought about just relaxing and forgetting about it for awhile?" Me: (crap). Why is that the first advice that people go to? Anyway, can't remember too much what I said after that, but I'm sure I got my point across that the subject was closed.
Well, I'm off to do some sewing. Beyond that I have no idea what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. I made a comment this morning that I didn't want to be bored and C said "God forbid you take it easy and be bored for awhile!" He's right....maybe I'll do nothing today!
So far I'm enjoying living life during the daylight hours. A friend told me that it can take up to a month before your internal clock resets after coming off of night shift, but I already feel a difference. It is a little difficult to ascertain why I am feeling so good at the moment as there have been a lot of changes in the last couple of weeks. I am exercising 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer 3-5 days a week. Weight watchers online is proving helpful and I am eating better and have lost 5 pounds. I am going to bed at reasonable hours and waking up at a consistent time. I am trying to connect with fold friends and make new ones. During this temporary "unemployment" I have virtually no responsibilities except to my family, and we have spent some amazing family time together. Last weekend we went ice skating (Z's first time ever and C's first time since 6th grade!). I come from a family of skaters (brother refereed ice hockey in the Olympics in Torino, dad used to coach hockey.....) So it was a new sensation to be the most experienced.
The other big difference in the last couple of weeks is of course the whole IF thing. I'm not really thinking about it too much. I have a general idea of when AF was here, but could not tell you what cd I'm on. I have learned nothing about keeping my mouth shut when discussing IF with those who don't have a clue. I had playdate/lunch with a girl in Z's gymnastic class and her mother last week. She has four children, and of course the last was unexpected. I have been friendly with this woman for several months and our daughters get along great, but this was the first time we have done something together outside of the gym. Over lunch she asks the inevitable question "so are you going to have more kids?" Me: .......pause.....big sigh......stalling for time........."we're working on it". She: "It'll happen sooner than you know". I should have just left it there and smiled. Why did I feel the need to explain that it has already been 2 years and we are going through treatment? Well, for what ever reason, I did explain it - briefly. She: "Have you ever thought about just relaxing and forgetting about it for awhile?" Me: (crap). Why is that the first advice that people go to? Anyway, can't remember too much what I said after that, but I'm sure I got my point across that the subject was closed.
Well, I'm off to do some sewing. Beyond that I have no idea what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. I made a comment this morning that I didn't want to be bored and C said "God forbid you take it easy and be bored for awhile!" He's right....maybe I'll do nothing today!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
The Holiday report
A belated Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to everyone out there in blogland!
My visit to my parents' was not the relaxing get away that I desperately need, but was indeed fun. We went straight from there to my brother's house for a couple of days of chaos then back home to our own brand of chaos. I have had to work for the last 3 nights (that includes Christmas Eve, Christmas in case you were wondering). There has not been a patient in site for 3 entire shifts. The first night it was a nice break, but by the third night I am going a little crazy. It is compounded by the fact that the other nurse got floated to another unit, so I have been sitting here for going on 12 hours by myself, trying to stay awake.
Christmas went by way too fast and I missed way too much of it sleeping. My precious little Z was a joy to watch and was overwhelmed with presents from both sides of the family. I felt like I was spoiled rotten, not necessarily by the volume or the expense of the gifts, but by the thoughtfulness. C did give me a new iPod nano which felt a little indulgent, but I have to say I love it.
Not much to report on the IF front. C and I weren't even in the same state during what I'm pretty sure was my "fertile days". Honestly, I don't even feel like I have the energy right now to track these things. A couple months off of obligatory intimacy is just what I need. My 15 pound weight loss is not going well, although I thought I was doing great until I got home from my travels and stepped on the scale. I exercised every day...EVERY DAY. Before I left I was doing 30-40 minutes on the elliptical trainer, then while I was at my parents' house I went to the gym with my father and did 35 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the treadmill. When I was at my brother's my SIL and I walked (briskly) 50 minutes every day....even in the rain. And after all this hard work, I am rewarded with a one pound weight gain....damn it! I was very discouraged. Then when I get to work there is fudge, cookies, chocolates.....etc. Given my discouraged state and the need to do anything to stay awake....I have eaten way over my quota of Dove's chocolates....although I did manage to choke down carrots and celery at some point during the shift. I know I have to get back on the exercise horse, but it is probably not going to happen until Friday.
Friday I will also get fingerprinted for my nursing license in the new state. There is something about going to the police department and asking to be fingerprinted that just seems wrong. I have only 5 more shifts left at this job, then I have almost 2 weeks off before starting at the big hospital. I guess I should savor these slow shifts, because it is not likely to happen at a hospital that does 5 times as many births as we do.
My visit to my parents' was not the relaxing get away that I desperately need, but was indeed fun. We went straight from there to my brother's house for a couple of days of chaos then back home to our own brand of chaos. I have had to work for the last 3 nights (that includes Christmas Eve, Christmas in case you were wondering). There has not been a patient in site for 3 entire shifts. The first night it was a nice break, but by the third night I am going a little crazy. It is compounded by the fact that the other nurse got floated to another unit, so I have been sitting here for going on 12 hours by myself, trying to stay awake.
Christmas went by way too fast and I missed way too much of it sleeping. My precious little Z was a joy to watch and was overwhelmed with presents from both sides of the family. I felt like I was spoiled rotten, not necessarily by the volume or the expense of the gifts, but by the thoughtfulness. C did give me a new iPod nano which felt a little indulgent, but I have to say I love it.
Not much to report on the IF front. C and I weren't even in the same state during what I'm pretty sure was my "fertile days". Honestly, I don't even feel like I have the energy right now to track these things. A couple months off of obligatory intimacy is just what I need. My 15 pound weight loss is not going well, although I thought I was doing great until I got home from my travels and stepped on the scale. I exercised every day...EVERY DAY. Before I left I was doing 30-40 minutes on the elliptical trainer, then while I was at my parents' house I went to the gym with my father and did 35 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the treadmill. When I was at my brother's my SIL and I walked (briskly) 50 minutes every day....even in the rain. And after all this hard work, I am rewarded with a one pound weight gain....damn it! I was very discouraged. Then when I get to work there is fudge, cookies, chocolates.....etc. Given my discouraged state and the need to do anything to stay awake....I have eaten way over my quota of Dove's chocolates....although I did manage to choke down carrots and celery at some point during the shift. I know I have to get back on the exercise horse, but it is probably not going to happen until Friday.
Friday I will also get fingerprinted for my nursing license in the new state. There is something about going to the police department and asking to be fingerprinted that just seems wrong. I have only 5 more shifts left at this job, then I have almost 2 weeks off before starting at the big hospital. I guess I should savor these slow shifts, because it is not likely to happen at a hospital that does 5 times as many births as we do.
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