This wasn't the plan

Still here, still freaking out

2010-01-19T18:45:00.003-05:00

Just a quick update. I'm 16 weeks, everything is looking great. All measurements, ultrasounds and heartbeat checks have been perfect. We told our families the news on Christmas Eve and put everyone in a tail spin. No one was expecting this news, it was a lot of fun to watch the reactions, especially considering that we thought that the idea of a surprise pregnancy announcement was never going to happen.

Now that aside, I can't get rid of the feeling that it can't be this good, and certainly not this easy. I lie in bed trying to feel movement and freaking out when I can't. There are days when I feel gross and huge and I'm reassured...then the next day I will feel physically great but mentally stressed because I'm sure the pregnancy has ended because I feel TOO good. And then there is the guilt, feeling awful about complaining when I am in the middle of a healthy spontaneous pregnancy. But I know that I can say these things here....because I know you understand...thanks for being there.

Stop me if you heard this one....

2009-11-18T18:04:00.002-05:00

It is a story about a 41 year old woman who has been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years. She has had two surgeries, dozens of tests and blood work, 3 IUIs, 4 IVF cycles resulting in 2 pregnancies with heartbeats and one chemical pregnancy, all without the success of bringing home an actual child. Then after lots of soul searching and financial planning, decides that she is ready to move on to DE, following an FET. She is waiting for her period to start so she can start BCP and begin the process of FET. She goes on vacation, her period should be starting the day she leaves, although it never comes. She spends the next 8 days on vacation obsessing every time she goes to the bathroom...where the hell is AF? When she gets home from vacation she takes a pregnancy test...positive. Has a beta drawn the next day: 10,300. Has an ultrasound the day after that: baby measuring right on target with an adequate heartbeat. Twelve days later (7w4d) has another ultrasound that is spot on perfect with a great heartbeat.

Yes, I have become an anecdote. Now, let me clarify that we did not "relax" or "just forget about it for awhile". We did OPKs during that cycle and had very timed se.x. It was still stressful, the big difference is that I had no hope that it would work - why would I? I spent the first few days of vacation taking all sorts of cold and flu medication and stuff to help me sleep.

I am freaking out. Part of me wants to just be thrilled, but the infertile part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Better

2009-07-17T22:17:00.002-04:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all give me strength!!

The D&C went pretty well...as well as a D&C can get I suppose. One of my friends just started working in same day surgery, so she was the nurse that took care of me (she is also an infertile with beautiful twin girls via IVF). It was such a relief not to have to put on a brave face or tell my story. There were only two glitches today. One was when I was in the waiting room before the D&C and a woman parked her double stroller with her two kids under the age of 2 right in front of me....I promptly told C I needed to move and we went to the opposite side of the waiting room. And the second was the nurse anesthetist arguing with me on whether or not I really had aspiration pneumonia from an exploratory lap back in 2007. He was challenging me saying things like "well how do you know for sure that it was aspiration pneumonia?" Well, idiot, it is because that is what the doctor told me it was...I'm sorry that I didn't bring the medical records from that particular surgery to prove it to you. Then he says "well it sounds like the doctor was grasping at straws for a reason for the pneumonia". My DH, my rock, speaks up and says "you know what, my wife is having an emotionally difficult procedure this morning, could you please be sensitive?" What a guy!

I feel pretty run down, but physically mostly okay. I'm planning on taking an ambien tonight as I slept most of today and don't want to be up all night. As long as I continue to feel alright, I'll probably be using some of my time off from work to visit my parents on Cape Cod...as well as drink a fair amount of wine.

Good night all!

Out of limbo and into a new kind of hell

2009-07-16T13:14:00.002-04:00

Today's ultrasound was traumatic. The news was as bad as we thought it might be...no heartbeat. But unfortunately that wasn't the worst of it. Let's just say that I will be communicating my experience with someone of authority.

I was crying..bawling actually, after the news of no heartbeat, ultrasound wand still in place. The RE was patting my leg, and saying over and over "I'm so sorry". Being sensitive to how I was dealing with the news and yet still being in stirups with a wand up my chickie, the RE asked the tech if she was finished with the imaging.

She says "just a couple more measurements".

I'm not sure what kind of measurements the tech needed that the RE couldn't have cared less about but, apparently she wanted to be very thorough about these apparently unnecessary images of my ovaries. The more she probed, the more I cried. And then I panicked, I felt violated, yet I wanted to be the good patient for "just a couple of more measurements". I finally wrapped my brain around the idea that I was going to have to be the one to stop this, but how? I was afraid that if it went on for another moment I was going to quite literally freak out. I was finally able form the words "I just can't"...and the torture came to an end.

I'm surprised that my RE let it go on as long as it did, but she told me afterward that she was getting ready to put and end to it right as I spoke up. I have no doubt that the tech will be spoken to...at least I hope so.

All of that said, I am relieved that there is a definitive answer in today's ultrasound. I'm having a D&C early tomorrow morning. I'll be taking some time off from work. As the nurse practitioner said today...this whole process has drained my cup and I need to take time for myself so I can fill it back up again.

5 to 10%...

2009-07-11T13:54:00.005-04:00

.....that's what the chances are that this pregnancy is viable. Thursday's ultrasound was dismal. Both the ultrasound tech and the RE welcomed me with hugs and smiles...yay! Then dildo cam went to work. I saw a sac and it appeared to be empty. "F**k." I said quietly and C reached for my hand (yes he did go with me). Apparently the RE's face was an open book, although I was too busy staring at the screen directly in front of me mounted to the wall. C was watching the RE and he told me later that her face clearly showed that she was not happy with what she was seeing. Then the craziest thing happened. I hear "there's the heartbeat". WTF? Sure enough there is an embryo (measuring at least a week behind) with a heartbeat of 100bpm. What is the cutoff for a heart rate at this age you ask? The answer is 100 bpm. They took a few more measurements and then we met the RE in the conference room across the hall.

I must say that I have the most compassionate RE EVER. I was slumped over the table with my head in my hands when she walked in. She walked over to me, gave me a kiss on the forehead and wrapped both arms around me while I cried into her lab jacket. We sat and talked for almost 30 minutes about what this could mean, the likelihood that this pregnancy will end, possible blood testing for next time around, and of course what to do about my antidepressant. Coming off the Paxil abruptly was necessary due to the risk of heart defects, but the "discontinuation syndrome" has sucked eggs. I am dizzy, nauseous, profoundly irritable, and having some GI issues that I won't go into now. She gave me a note to be out of work for 1-2 weeks...I think based primarily on where I work. The thought of going to work the next day and dealing with babies and pregnant women made me feel ill. The RE reiterated her feeling that this failure is nothing more that old eggs. I left the office after several more hugs and encouraging words.

Anyway, I digress. My next ultrasound is on Wednesday. I have a feeling that will be the nail in the coffin so to speak. There are other possibilities, it could have been a late implanter and is just behind. C is holding out hope that things will be okay. I can't say that I feel the same way. I know I shouldn't be thinking about next cycle yet, besides not knowing what is going to happen with this one, I'm in no state of mind to be thinking about the possibility of another cycle.

Never in a million years did I think I would be here. Pregnant 3 times from 4 IVFs and still no baby....and no diagnosis other than my age. I remember starting this blog and thinking there is no way that I will still be doing this in a year (that was over 2 years ago). I also remember being so gitty from our 1st positive beta and thinking "how lucky am I that it worked on the first try!" I looked on the "Veterans Only" page of IVF Connections today and thought "this is the message board for me". No more Pollyanna optimism of an initial beta, or even a good first ultrasound...no those rose colored glasses have been ripped off.

In the meantime, every moment with my daughter I want to hug her so tightly. I want to bring back the memories of kicks in utero, breastfeeding, and baby belly laughs. I know that I am so lucky to have had these in the first place, and I'm also so stupid to have not cherished those memories ENOUGH, as I never occurred to me that I would not have another child.

Am I wrong?

2009-07-09T09:45:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was Z's birthday. She was a bit confused as we had a birthday party for her over the weekend. When she woke up I said "Guess what? Today is your birthday!" Z says "How old am I?" Me: "5". Z: "Still?" I guess five years old is quite boring and and 3 days of it was all she could stand. The original plans for the actual birthday included a family (including grandparents, aunt and niece) trip to the circus. Somewhere along the road it ended up being just me and Z. Apparently the rest of the family was just as bored with Z turning 5 (again) as she was. Silly me didn't reserve the tickets and it was sold out, so we didn't end up going anyway. There was a small "celebration" last night with a few more presents and a (that's right "a" as in a singular) cupcake. I was a little irritated with the way the whole day was turning out. Now here is the kicker. Toward the end of the "celebration" DH says to me "So are you expecting me to go with you to the ultrasound tomorrow?"

WHAT?

Here is what is going through my head: You mean the appointment that I talked to about, not only when I made it, but confirmed it earlier today? You mean the ultrasound that I have such anxiety about that I swore I was having a miscarriage the other morning? You mean the ultrasound where I might find out that there is no heartbeat and that this pregnancy is over and I will be such a mess that I will not be able to drive myself home because I will be such a puddle of mush?

What I said: Of course I do.

He said something else, but my head was spinning so that I didn't quite catch it. All I could manage to say was "You really don't want to have this conversation with me right now" After all we still had family over.

Later, I tried so hard to control my anger and yet express my feelings about what he had said and how it affected me. In return for my efforts to spare his feelings I received a blank stare and a timid "I'm sorry". He then left to go downstairs, I went to bed. No kiss goodnight.

Did I mention that I had to come off my antidepressant cold turkey and on top of dealing with the anxiety of waiting between ultrasounds, I am now going through withdrawal? What fun!

Ultrasound is today at 2:45. I'm almost tempted to go by myself......

Mixed emotions

2009-07-02T17:15:00.003-04:00

Following the ultrasound I should have been thrilled. I should have run right home and posted my news. What did I do instead? I cried for about 15 minutes, then slept for the hour ride home. The scenario reminds me of a conversation I had with a fellow nurse. We had taken care of a woman who, following over a decade of infertility, finally gave birth to beautiful twin girls. The new mother was obsessed with every little twinge during her recovery (she had had a c-section), and did not seem to be fawning over the girls "enough" in my friend's opinion. I told her that after dealing with infertility for SO long, she was probably still waiting for the other shoe to drop. That with us IFers, there never seems to be a finish line, that there is always another hurtle to jump. Even in good news, there is a shadow of "what if?"

Anyway, so here's the scoop. Ultrasound was fine. There was a nice round gestational sac, a yolk sac, and a flicker of a heartbeat that they just couldn't quite capture yet. They saw everything that they were hoping to see...but it didn't seem like it was enough. I was greedy and wanted a strong, unquestionable heartbeat. I have relived the details of what was said and how, trying to ascertain whether the RE and the nurse (and the us tech) were really thrilled...as they flat out said they were, or if they are just trying to keep me in a positive state of mind until the next scan. They gave us a picture of our little nugget. They have never done that before, I've always gone into my own online medical record and downloaded it myself. So both DH and I are saying "this must be good, if they gave us the picture". So next scan is this Thursday at 7w2d. I was going to put it off a few days so that there would be more to see, but this is the only time that works.

In the meantime, I'm desperately trying to keep myself busy. We finally had two days of beautiful weather. (It has been lousy with rain and thunderstorms for WEEKS up here in the northeast). The sun came out for my daughter's 5th birthday party this weekend. It was an awesome party, just the right mix of some family and some friends...not too many of each. I dove head first into making my daughter's cake. A relatively new "hobby" that is usually fun and challenging and occasionally stressful.

It seems crazy to me that I feel like a Debbie Downer...and things are looking good! I have nothing but good news, but I remind myself that I have been here before and it all went to shit. I'm hoping that if we can get past eight weeks, I will loosen up a bit and actually say the words "I'm PG" (see...can't even write it).

2009-06-27T09:46:00.003-04:00

Thanks to all who have continued to comment...although I have been such a bad blogger and commenter! Betas have been going well. Not doubling always, but certainly making the appropriate 66% jump in 48 hours. Here are the betas to date:

12dpo 18
14dpo 36
16dpo 87
20dpo 277
22dpo 511
24dpo 1437

It is hard not to compare previous cycles, which had higher numbers...but ultimately unsuccessful. I am now in a holding pattern until my ultrasound on Thursday. In the past they did a 5w6d us, this time it will be 6w2d. They are hoping to see a heartbeat at that time...and needless to say I do too. In the meantime, I'm very cautiously optimistic. It is difficult to enjoy any of the success so far, when I have come this far and been devastated. I have not proclaimed I'm pregnant...I usually say something like "well, there's something in there, I just don't know what yet". Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful to have even gotten this point, especially since I thought this whole cycle was going to be a bust.

2nd beta

2009-06-17T21:36:00.003-04:00

Beta #2 was 36. Still low for my taste, but it did double. Next one is tomorrow. Not much time to post now, had a quick get away for 24 hours, which was awesome for keeping my brain out of beta worry mode.

12dpo

2009-06-14T21:56:00.002-04:00

I had my first beta today ....18. Not sure what to think of it as it is pretty low. My other two betas (which of course ended unsuccessfully, so I'm not sure it is worth comparing) were 27 and 29. I did tell a few people that knew I was having my blood work done today that I am not NOT pregnant. There is a very small piece of me that wants to be excited, but mostly I am emotionless about it. Next beta will be on Tuesday so that should give me some direction. Of course I am pleased that I get to continue to ride this roller coaster, it's just that I've had two miserable outcomes with higher initial betas. I suppose I this emotionless state is a way to insulate my heart...even if it only works temporarily.

(So, have I been enough of a Debbie Downer with this post?...after all it IS good news. Note to self: be Zen and remember that I am PUPO).

Any success stories with low initial betas would be welcomed!!!!

2dp3dt

2009-06-07T11:02:00.003-04:00

I'm a bad infertile. After reading some other blogs, I can't believe that I was complaining about my number of eggs and fertilization rate. There are so many out there that have their cycles cancelled at the last minute, or never make it retrieval, I should be appreciative of what I have had to work with over the last year.

I am now 2dp3dt. I called out from work today as I have been having some moderate cramping with pretty much any activity. Yesterday if I walked up the stairs, I would almost immediately start to cramp. I called the IF nurse on call and she said that even though the clinic does not officially have a bed rest policy following transfer, the cramping could be a sign that I am overdoing it and I need to take it easy. She also said that I shouldn't do anything that, if the cycle did not go well, I would regret doing. After talking with some co-workers today, they encouraged me to call out for tomorrow as well. I don't know why it is such a difficult decision for me....work can be physically grueling. Some days lunch consists of shoveling a sandwich down my gullet while standing next to the nurses' station, often times I don't have time to stay hydrated...let alone go to the bathroom. Then there are other days that requires busy work in the morning, then the afternoon is filled with chatting with co-workers. The problem is I never know how busy it will be (can't really predict when laboring women will be coming in). So my dilemma is that I feel pretty good, as long as I don't do anything...and when I don't do anything, I feel guilty. Anyone want to weigh in on whether or not I should call out for tomorrow? I've heard mixed opinions about bed rest and being inert...any insight would be appreciated.

Transfer

2009-06-05T17:10:00.002-04:00

Just a quick note to update. We transferred 3 today. An 8 cell A-, a 7 cell A- and a 2 cell C. It was kind of a Hail Mary, looking back I'm not sure why we threw the 2 cell one in there, but I figured "what the hell".

I've watched way too much TV, and even asked the cat if she thought this would take -so I believe I've hit a new low. Beta will be on the 14th, until then I will try my best to live in the moment and not analyze every little twinge.

3

2009-06-03T22:13:00.002-04:00

Yep, just three fertilized. I'm terrified that by Friday there will be none....barely got off the couch today. Hard to believe I was the beacon of hope and "relaxation" just a week ago.

ER

2009-06-02T23:49:00.002-04:00

Just a quick note before I am off to bed. They retrieved 8 eggs today, quite a pleasant surprise as we were expecting 5 at the most. I'll have the fert report tomorrow, then a 3dt on Friday. Until then I plan on enjoying some rest and pain medication.

Shadows

2009-06-01T09:11:00.002-04:00

Do I dare creep out of the shadows? I needed a break from the blogging and this morning a switch went on and apparently I am ready to put myself out there again. So here's the update from the ectopic saga....it was NOT ectopic. My beta went up after the methotrexate. My doctor wanted to see me"urgently" when the rising beta results came back, I totally panicked. The nurse asked if there was someone that could take me home after our meeting. My head was spinning and I thought that I was headed for emergency surgery. It turns out that my RE did not believe it was ectopic...she was out of town when all the hubbub happened the week before. She has a double specialty in RE and radiology so I really trust her interpretation of the ultrasound pictures. She recommended that I do a D&C, sent the tissue to pathology and if there was positive for chorionic villi, then it was a uterine pregnancy, then continue to check my beta just to make sure there was not a second one in the tube. Indeed the tissue was positive for chorionic villi, and my beta dropped to 1 within about a week and a half. I said that I would NEVER do another D&C in the office, but I wanted all of this to be over and again scheduling was an issue, so it was an office D&C....all alone as my husband could not get there in time. But it wasn't too bad, didn't hurt nearly as bad as the first time.

So then it was the decision of what to do next? Do I take a couple of months off? I feel like I am so pressed for time 41 is looming around the corner for me. We decided to soldier on. The antidepressant has been a small miracle. I feel like the person I was 5 years ago, and it is such a relief to be in a place that I can truly laugh, relax (yikes!) and most importantly feel like I have the capacity to rationally cope with stress.

So we are doing another cycle. Actually I triggered last night, retrieval is at 8am on Tuesday. I had high hopes for this cycle because I am such a different place than I ever have been before. I am calm, "relaxed" (though I HATE to use that word), and dealing much better. However, I am not stimming as well as I have before. In previous cycles they have retrieved 14, 11 and 10 eggs all with great fertilization (11, 9, and 10). This cycle it looks like we may get 5 mature eggs. As I am writing this, I wonder if the poor stimming has anything to do with the methotrexate?! I've gotta write that down and ask the doc about that one. My nurse said it was just a down cycle, that I shouldn't expect to stim the same every time because each cycle can be so different. I did the same protocol as before: BCP, Lupron 20, 10 then 5u, Follistim 75 and 2 Menopur in the AM and Follistim 150 and 1 Menopur in the PM.

I've had a pretty rough weekend at work, yesterday I had a melt down - combination of stress of the day and hormones. Feeling better today, but quite mellow. I have no idea what to expect from tomorrow. My primary thought for today is to stay hydrated so the IV will go smoothly tomorrow. I have my favorite anesthesiologist lined up for my retrieval so I know I will be in good hands. Unfortunately my RE is away on vacation. I'm excusing her for this because it is her 20th wedding anniversary, and she told me that she would be thinking about me while she was having a fruity drink....and honestly I think she will make a point to send some good energy my way. The RE that will be doing both retrieval and transfer is very good, just not the warm and fuzzy type.

Once I'm up and about, I'll send out the retrieval report.

Ectopic

2009-02-18T20:37:00.002-05:00

So ultrasound today was interesting. I now have a new diagnosis of ectopic pregnancy...which had been whispered about early on with the way my betas went, but I certainly never really took it seriously (silly me) because I only have one tube. Although they did not see a heartbeat, and therefore cannot say with 100% certainty that is an embryo in the tube...even I could see the gestational and yolk sac. I thought this appointment was going to be a quick ultrasound then a prescription for the miso, it turned out to be much more involved. I was there for a total of about 3 1/2 hours. I had to have labs drawn and processed before they would even mix up the methotrexate. My beta went up (WTF?) since the last draw. I am now out from work until at least Monday, no folic acid or alcohol for me, and I cannot travel very far away from the hospital "just in case". Oh, and I asked for an antidepressant today.....

Betas betas everywhere

2009-02-17T17:45:00.002-05:00

I don't think I mentioned what my beta was after my ultrasound. It was 1415 and that was pretty much the nail in the coffin...so to speak. I went out of town this weekend, mostly just to get my mind off of all the usual. We spent it with family, and although we did not talk directly about what was going on, it was very healing. Both my parents wrapped me up in a huge hug and simply said "we love you so much" and that was enough to lift up my soul. The only thing that was hard was that there was some chit chat about two of my cousins who have had twins via IVF in the last year and of course there was baby talk about them.

Unfortunately nothing has happened on the miscarriage front. I am at the point where I have mended (at least somewhat) on the emotional front and I just want to move on. My manager called this morning (not the same person that sent me the amazing email) and asked when I was coming back. Apparently there was a little miscommunication about my time off and they were expecting me there today. I was really hoping to go back by Thursday, but that doesn't look like that will happen. Since I have had no bleeding (only some very light and very small amount of spotting) they wanted me to repeat my beta today (it was 685) and follow up with an ultrasound tomorrow. Because of the slow rise of my betas they are concerned about a tubal pregnancy...what are the odds of the that, considering I only have one tube. Anyway, if they can rule out a tubal, and I still have not had a flow, then it looks like misoprostol for me.

I just want this chapter to be over. I have already started to calculate when I would likely cycle again...maybe fourth time will be a charm for me. Maybe we will switch things up a bit and do a 3dt. I'm sure they will also want to check an FSH with my next AF. In the meantime, I've got to get back on the exercise band wagon and focus on my diet...I have been doing nothing but emotional eating for the last few weeks...and it is starting to show.

The Silver Lining

2009-02-11T10:55:00.004-05:00

The silver lining is that I have truly discovered that I have the most wonderful and compassionate boss EVER. I emailed her last night to give her the heads up on what was going on and that I would need some time off. I had planned on going into work today (I have burned up all of my earned time as of late, so any time I take off would be without pay) but taking the bulk of time off next week. This is her response to my email:

I feel very sad for you. Your heart is breaking. Words won't comfort.
I wish you could go to a place to be with women where they would surround you, and attend to you, and hold you, and let you be as raw as you need to be. We would do that here if we could, but we can't, or we can, but only intermittently, moments instead of hours. I fear the reality of what is going on in the external environment will crash into what is going on internally; physically, emotionally, and spiritually for you. I don't want where you are and what you are called to do to create more pain for you in this process. I think you should take care of yourself and think about being away from here now, not next week, but now. This may not be the best place for you to be, in fact, it may be harmful to your vulnerable heart. You are brave. You are strong, but perhaps not that strong. Who could be?
I trust you to make the decisions that best serve you. I will honor whatever you decide is best and right for you. You are a wonderful nurse, and we appreciate your work here- but not if comes at too great a cost to you. If on the other hand, you will find solace in the rythym of the work, the never-ending cycle, the company of women engaged in carinig for women- then of course, you should come. Only you know.
I am so very sorry. all my best to you. k

She ended up calling me later in the evening to "warn" me about a fellow co-worker who just announced her pregnancy and people have been talking about it. She didn't want me to walk in and be surprised by this news. In the end, I decided to take today off. I didn't sleep more than about 3 hours last night and yesterday I hurt my back and have not really been able to stand up straight. As it turns out I believe it was a good idea all around, shortly after I woke up I noticed the faintest of spotting, so I think that this pregnancy is declaring itself on its own. I took the progesterone last night, and originally had planned on taking it again today and repeat one more beta tomorrow, but now I truly feel like this is the end. I checked my work email this morning and this is another email from the clinical educator, not really a supervisor, but she has known pretty much every step of my journey.

I'm so sorry for your loss. While I want to see you and hold you and cry with you, you can know my heart and thoughts are with you now and through the day. I'm glad you chose to stay home where you have more contol over your environment. Please let us know if we can do anything for you. Thank you for letting me journey with you.

I couldn't ask to have a more supportive work environment, I am blessed in that regard. So now I guess I just wait. We are planning on going out of town this weekend, it is my niece's birthday and we have been organizing this for quite some time. I'll call this the clinic this morning to see if there is any reason I shouldn't go. My family knows what is happening and they will all be supportive if I need time just to hang out in the corner. I'll have the next 3 days to myself and any longer than that and I may go batty.

Nothin' good

2009-02-09T21:04:00.003-05:00

Today's ultrasound was dismal, although we are not totally out of the game...yet. Gestational sac was seen, but no yolk sac. The gestational sac was not "plump", so the RE said she was not optimistic about the outcome. Of course there is still that miserable thin shred of possibility that things could turn around next week, so for the moment we are hanging on. I got the oh too familiar "I'm so sorry" hugs on our way out of the ultrasound room. It appears that although this cycle is not officially over, hope is gone from a medical stand point. We head over to the conference room to have a little more in depth conversation with the RE now that I am clothed and without a probe up my chickie. She is on vacation next week so she will not be able to follow up personally with me and she wanted to go over some possible scenarios. She is amazing. First off she asked who I wanted to have the appointment with in her absence, which I thought was very sensitive. Then we got down to brass tacks. If this is indeed a nonviable pregnancy, then she doesn't feel like I need to have a D&C, especially given how small the gestational sac is, so the next step could possibly include misoprostol to induce miscarrying the "products of conception". Anyone have any experience they would like to share here? Is this painful? Is it awful? I'm anticipating needing to miss a day's work or so.

I guess I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself, but this is where I feel we are heading. I am also trying to wrap my head around doing another cycle. Because of my age I have always felt like I need to press full steam ahead...I'm not getting any younger after all. The RE did say that she would be ok with a 2 month break for me, but not 6. Maybe that would be just enough time to feel a little more normal, a little less hormonal and perhaps, dare I say it, a little more in shape.

In the mean time, another beta tomorrow. If has plateaued or dropped, then that indicates things are going south. If it continues to rise, then it could mean continued growth of placental tissue, but not embryonic...so that really doesn't mean anything.

I'm working really hard at trying to not feel anything. I don't want to give up totally, but I don't want to have false hope either. I wish I could just find a state of numbness and stay there for at least a week or so. Boy, do I want a drink!!

More Beta news

2009-02-06T15:01:00.003-05:00

I'm not even sure where to start. Yesterday would have been my due date from IVF#1/miscarriage. I was sad, and funky, but was relieved to have some good news with my last beta and a smidgen of hope.

Today I was called in to work and I thought "well, this will be good, I will work today and all weekend and it will keep my mind off the impending ultrasound on Monday". I've been having some pregnancy symptoms and was expecting to have a nice jump today. The nurse on Wednesday said she was hoping the beta would be in the 1,000 range. Today's beta is...drum roll please.....874. Fuck! Now it has done it's 66% rise in 48, so officially things are still okay. But the nurse also said that for as far along as I am, 23dpo, she would expect the number to be higher. And then....I lost it. I went into 3 separate fits of uncontrollable crying while trying to hide myself away from my co-workers. I'm getting the double whammy of reliving the miscarriage as well as this freakin' back and forth with the betas. I am trying to hang on to the idea that 1/3 of women don't have a typical rises in their betas, and I now wonder what happens to the betas to those fertiles that don't have all of this lab work. I don't think I ever had a beta with Z.

Anyway, I was able to leave work...well I HAD to leave work, they really didn't have a choice. I would have been circulating and recovering a c-section which means I would have been one on one with this cute little fertile intact family. The idea of having to handle the baby was enough to send me into a small panic attack. So here I am at home, trying to find some sanity so that I can go back in to work tomorrow....and the next day, and not lose my ever lovin' mind.

2009-02-05T08:49:00.002-05:00

Just a quick post...beta yesterday was 503, which more than doubled. Still extremely cautious, but feeling a little less insane. One more beta tomorrow, then ultrasound on Monday.

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I'm so behind on my commenting....part of my grand effort to keep myself out of the house and very busy so I don't have time to mope. I've also been on call for the last couple of weeks, which is good money, but lots of extra time at work. I'll catch up soon.

...and the roller coaster starts to climb.....

2009-02-03T09:53:00.002-05:00

I called my IVF nurse on Saturday and talked with her a little more about my third beta. I didn't think that I could wait until Monday and asked if it was okay if I had it drawn on Sunday. She said "sure" and that she understood that the waiting can be torture. I was relieved that I would not have to wait....but then I started thinking.... I would be at work on Sunday and if it was bad, which is what I was expecting, then I don't think that emotionally I would have been able to stay at work. As it turns out, Sunday was a mad house, partly because a couple of nurses called out sick, so it would not have been good to risk it by having the beta and then be miserable at work, surrounded by babies. So I decided to do the beta on Monday. Right after I got the results of beta #3, I thought "I just can't do this again". In an effort to start formulating my next plan, I took a look at job postings in other departments and other hospitals. I also did some research on adoption (which was terribly depressing) and finally I started looking into a Master's in Nursing Informatics. Then I thought about when I would go out and get good and drunk and color my hair (my mousy brown and grey roots are tragic).

Yesterday, I met a friend of mine who has also had fertility issues and some pretty horrific pregnancy related losses. Anyway, she has been doing IUIs over the last few months and she had her last IUI 2 days after my retrieval. (Can you see where this is going?) Well she is pregnant and she had to have her second beta drawn on Monday as well. We decided to make a day of it to take our minds off waiting around for the phone call. We went to the hospital, then lunch, then shopping. On our way home the clinic called. My beta is 194. I was in shock...it is still not where they would like it to be (they wanted it around 216), but they are encouraged. In a daze I heard her saying things like "we are optimistic" "there is reason for concern" "we are just going with it" and my personal favorite: "one third of all betas don't have the rise they expect, and everything turns out fine". It was the most bizarre feeling to be sitting there, not happy, not sad, just surprised. I have learned to live my life in 48 to 72 hour increments...and I think that I am doing fairly well. I'm trying to keep myself real busy, lots of activities planned on my days off. My ultrasound is scheduled for next Monday and the nurse said to keep the appointment...at least for now. My next beta is tomorrow morning...stay tuned.

Incidentally, my friend's beta was over 700.

the pain of waiting update

2009-01-30T09:22:00.004-05:00

Trying my damnedest to live one day at a time. Last beta (on Wed) was 62. Of course I looked this up myself, so I didn't have he benefit of the IVF nurse to ask questions right away. During my last positive cycle my second beta was 97...so I panicked. After fretting about it for awhile, I decided to call the nurse. She was pleased with the number. She said they were looking for it to go up by 66% and since mine more than doubled, it was up by over 100%. I've had some pretty intense cramping the last couple of days which is freaking me out. I've been obsessed with my b.oobs, I can't tell if I am getting used to them or if they have deflated. It is an effort not to feel myself up at work to check 'em out.

I'm about to leave the house for beta #3. Unfortunately I have to have this lab work done at the local hospital, so I won't be able to look up my results...I'll have to do this the old fashioned way and wait for the nurse to call me! I'll post an update when I have it.

*update*
Isn't it amazing how one little phone call can send you into a tailspin? Beta #3 was 80...not good. They wanted it to be over 102. The nurse said "don't lose all hope"...I'm not sure that is possible. She said she has seen all sorts of different things happen with the numbers, but I am not optimistic. I am to continue with my progesterone and next beta will be on Monday. I'm devastated....can't stop crying. I just don't know if I can do this all over again.

Did you miss me?

2009-01-24T11:22:00.004-05:00

Did you know I was gone? In a grand effort to force the time between transfer and beta to go much much faster, I have stayed away from blogs. I went to my brother's for a short visit, cleaned out the closets in my house...you know just stuff to keep my mind from racing.

So here is a recap: We did a 5dt of 2 blasts. Everyone said it was a great report. After 10 out of 10 eggs fertilized, one arrested and one fragmented. So going into the the transfer there were 6 still growing for potential freeze. 2 actually made it freeze. So overall I feel like this was a good "batch". After looking up the grade of blasts that they transferred (one was a 4BB and the other was a 1BB), I decided that they are just middle of the road quality blasts. Wish there was an "A" in there somewhere, but I am 40 after all. We now have 4 total in the freezer. Although according to the nurse practitioner, we should do as many fresh cycles while I'm on the younger side vs an FET...but lets jump off that bridge when we get there.

My beta was yesterday. I had a good idea of what the result was going to be before I did the test. I've had some heartburn, my boobs are huge and sore......my beta was 29! My clinic does a very early beta at 7dp5dt so the number doesn't sound great compared to the initial betas I see on other blogs, but it is a BFP and I'll take it!! They are supposed to freeze this 1st specimen and not run it until the second one is drawn 2 days later so they can evaluate doubling time...but this lab always runs it the same day. Because my beta is so early, I don't usually have to fight the urge to POAS, but I do cheat a little and look up my results in the computer before my clinic calls. By the time the IVF nurse calls to congratulate me, I've already called C and told him the news. Last night I did contemplate POAS, just so I could see the lines...how crazy is that?

I am taking this one step at a time. I am happy, but not ecstatic. I am hopeful, but realistic. I am trying desperately not to look too far ahead, but yesterday I had a little daydream about my daughter (who will be 5 this summer) rubbing my belly and feeling the baby move.

My next challenge is to stay in the moment, and only look as far ahead as the next test. Fortunately at this stage of the game, the next step is usually only at the most a week away. My next beta is tomorrow.

10/10

2009-01-15T18:41:00.002-05:00

So maybe they are a perfect 10....ALL ten fertilized. I'm amazed! If all stays on track we will be doing a 5dt on Monday. Keeping everything I've got crossed!

A perfect 10

2009-01-15T00:57:00.004-05:00

Well.....at least I'm hoping so. Honestly it doesn't feel so perfect. 10 eggs retrieved today. I thought it would be more. I felt more bloated during this cycle than previous, I had more antral follicles than before....but I only need one right? I shouldn't complain, I know there are so many out there with cancelled cycles due to poor response...it just isn't what I was preparing myself for. I'm starting to mentally prepare for a 3dt. I guess we'll know tomorrow after the fert report.

In most excellent news, I had my A team there with me this morning. Dr. J, my kind and sweet anesthesiologist was there and gave me some really good stuff. IV was established on the first attempt, no problem with specimen collection from C, and I didn't bleed internally...all in all it was a good day. I was only a little woozy when I initially got up to go, and decided to not rush things and have some crackers and a nap before I left. We were home by about noon and I slept most of the day. So now I am wide awake....yet tired. My bed is calling me so this will be pretty short.

I got thinking about the "meant to be comment" by my co-worker. First off, I do believe that things work out the way they need to. Ultimately things are not in our hands, although I also believe that our destiny is dependent on our actions....a pretty paradoxical thought. I don't think that I can get pregnant without a lot of help, so to say "it wasn't meant to be" doesn't mean that I can't do something about it. If this does not work for me, and as we are now 1/2 way through what our insurance will pay for, I have to start accepting that that could very well be my reality...anyway if it does not work, I am confident that years from now I will look back and feel that there is some good that has come from it. At this point and time I cannot fathom what that good might be. Now, that said, hearing someone who has ABSOLUTELY ZERO understanding of what IVF treatment entails, and I don't think that it is possible to have that understanding until you have lived it....doesn't count if you have a friend, sister, cousin or co-worker going through it...then saying something like "it wasn't meant to be" is down right hurtful. It is easy for that person to say it, because it doesn't apply to them. "It wasn't meant to be" is not comforting for a moment because it opens up the whole new can of worms "why not?" Is it because of the street drugs I experimented with in college? Is it because I had an elective termination at 20 because I was date raped? And if not those things.....then WHY?!!! I think there should be a ban on "it wasn't meant to be", it just plain doesn't work for anyone who is grieving. I know I'm not saying anything new....but I was finally able to put a finger on why that phrase irritates me so much.

So, I'm mustering up some good thoughts for those little embies that are dividing away, all the way in another state no less. I'm starting to feel more hopeful and less desperate (although I know this post probably doesn't sound like it). I think part of it is getting off those freakin' stims....next up twice daily proges.terone suppositories!!! I treat my rectum to one every once and a while, so it doesn't get jealous of my va-gagay.

Praying for incident free retrieval

2009-01-13T22:45:00.003-05:00

Let's see if I can sum up my life in about 10 minutes...'cuz I gotta get to bed. I've just take some a.tivan...so who knows how this will all turn out.

Retrieval is tomorrow AM. We will leave the house at 6:30, hopefully be in the waiting room at 8:00, assist C with specimen production (see "the incident"), procedure at 9:00, home hopefully before dinner time (see the second "incident").

I'm incredibly anxious (note the earlier mention to a.tivan). I have been a raving BEOTCH for the last couple of days. Yesterday it came to a head and I was ready to rip the head off anyone who dared say the wrong thing to me....although who knows what that wrong thing could be....it could've been "hello, you look nice today". All of this was precipitated by my ride home with my co-worker who started off telling me about her SIL who is 31 weeks pg with twins via IVF. She started saying things like "I think IVF is such a miracle, and it's amazing what women will do to have a baby, I admire them...blah, blah, blah" Right as I was about to open my mouth and spill my beans, she keeps going on to say "But then I think maybe these women were just not mean to have kids". At this point I have closed my gaping mouth and tried to figure out a cool way to change the subject. Maybe driving us off the road will be subtle enough. I've read so many blogs that blame l.upron for wicked moods....but it is the tail end of my stims that make me insane. I was essentially on the same protocol as the last 2 cycles, but the last couple of days I've taken both AM and PM meds, usually it is only one or the other. My therapist that I saw today said that she would rather deal with clients that are on heroine or cocaine versus us juiced up on hormones. Physically I feel terrible, I'm so bloated. I've gained 5 pounds this week and I swear I can feel every ounce with each step. I almost called out sick yesterday, but thought "I'll be fine as long as I don't have to break out into a run". Well....guess what happened....we had 2 STAT c-sections going on at the same time and I had to run all over the unit.

I'm not going to turn this purely into a bitch session....mostly because I feel like I wouldn't know when to stop. The good news is that the a.tivan seems to be kicking in. I've had several conversations and emails with my anesthesiologist friend who will definitely be there tomorrow. He has been so attentive and is determined to make my sedation top notch. It's funny because he is not so much a friend as a very friendly colleague...but in his last email he signed it "Sweet dreams and happy thoughts"....less collegial, more friendly....and incredibly sweet. I feel like I am in good hands tomorrow. My favorite nurse should be there, they all know that either the IV team or anesthesia will be starting my IV, my favorite RE is doing the harvest and of course my anesthesia buddy (and his supervisor....a BIG head honcho in the department). I don't know that I am feeling that nice little hopeful feeling, but rather desperate. I find myself thinking "this HAS to work". Last night, amidst the sobs I thought "I don't have the strength to do this again". Will revisit that when I am a safe distance away from the hormones.

Wednesday

2009-01-10T10:49:00.004-05:00

I'm a go for Wednesday! 9:00 am. I was hoping for ER on either Monday or Tuesday....but so far this cycle is following exactly like the two previous. I have one lead follicle at 19mm that they are going to let go by so the more plentiful smaller ones will come forward. They measured 16 follicles today....which I believe is more than prior cycles. I'm feeling every bit of them, last night C gave me a big hug and I had to tell him to back off a little. I'm NOT looking forward to working 2 more 12 hour shifts. It has been very busy on our unit lately and there is not any signs of stopping. So not only will it be long days, but they will be very hectic as well.

I've been pretty crabby these last couple of days and today is no exception. I've worked the last two days, I have today off - but had to make the 2 1/2 hour round trip to the clinic for b/w and u/s and C has invited my in-laws down for dinner tonight and the house is a disaster and I have to do major laundry in order to have scrubs to wear to work. I have to go to bed early tonight because we are getting more snow tonight and I might have to get up as early as 4:00am tomorrow to go to work. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all that has to get done. I'm trying to let it go and just chillax, but I'm the type that can't kick back until the house shows some resemblance of order...oh did I mention that C went off to work and is not sure when he is coming home....possibly just in time for the dinner that I am apparently making for his parents. Yep, that pretty much sums it all up....cue the video:

Okay, I'm done griping....guess I better get crackin'!!

2009-01-06T13:28:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I enlisted a fellow nurse to do my AM shot. I've tried to give myself my own IM injection during my first cycle, but it just felt so wrong holding that 22 gauge 1 1/2 inch needle above my thigh. I applaud all of you out there that can do their own IM injections!! Maybe it is an occupational hazard. Whenever I am starting an IV or giving an injection and my patient says "I hate needles". I usually respond "I don't mind them as long as I am on this end of the syringe." I've talked about how much I don't like being on the receiving end of needle for so long, even if I was joking, I think I have said it too much that it is now true. Anyway, I would have thought that the injection my co-worker would be doing would be less painul than my amateur husband...not so much. Maybe it was because it took 10 minutes for us find an inconspicuous room that was far away from the nurses' station (so it didn't look suspicious that we were walking into an empty room then shutting the door), or maybe it was because I was standing rather than laying down....and a little tense that someone would walk in. Whatever the reason, kudos to C for doing such a wonderful job.

I also talked to my favorite anesthesia resident yesterday. They rotate services every 4 weeks, and he is back on the OB rotation, which means he also does ERs. He was so awesome and attentive about what my needs would be. I told him about my IV nightmares, and he seemed open to giving me something for anxiety before the whole process...yeah. Unfortunately, I got an email from him this morning saying that there are 4 days this month when he will be on the cardiac unit....and the day that I am anticipating my ER to be, is one of those days. My second option in anesthesia docs is a good fall back, I was just hoping to be able to hand pick who would be in on my case.

I've gained 3 pounds. Not sure if it is stims, or all the CRAP I've been eating!! I had absolutely no control over my eating over the holidays and did zero exercise....I feel like a blob. I am such an emotional eater, and it wasn't until our company left that I realized that I was still shoveling food in my mouth. Yesterday I finally had the epiphany that it was because I'm stressed.

Z has been on another baby kick. Every couple of months she will start asking all sorts of baby questions. She will tell me how much she wants a sister, asks how do babies come out of mommies tummy (incidentally she decided that they come out of your mouth, and was then asking me to open my mouth as wide as I could. Z's BFF asked her mom the same question recently. She opted to be anatomically correct....this resulted in her daughter wanting to make a snow-woman complete with b.reasts and a va.gina. I think I will go with the mouth theory for the time being). She has also if she could name "the baby" Susannah. When I ask "What baby?" she says "the one in your tummy". *sigh*

I've decided that I'm going to start posting some more pictures...I love seeing pictures on other people's blog...so here it goes.

Annual Christmas or Thanksgiving Pre-hike photo of my family

(it was 12 degrees with the wind chill)

My latest obesession- cake decorating....

this was a cake for my brother's birthday (he's a hockey referee)

Hope

2009-01-04T14:46:00.003-05:00

So I'm reading a lot of New Year's blogs...reflections of this last year and expectations/hopes for this one coming. For a brief moment I think "I should do that too". Except, I don't feel like looking back, and I'm afraid to look ahead. There are so many things that I am thankful for and C and I talk often about how lucky in life we are. But I don't want to look back at what I endured this last year. It is still too painful, and I'm fearful that if I take the time to reflect, I will get into a deep emotional rut.

As far as looking ahead, I'm trying so hard to muster up some hope...that four letter word in IF circles. It is the conundrum of not wanting to get my hopes up only to be shattered versus going through the process of an IVF cycle with no hope of it working. Neither option feels like the right one....so I sit in limbo. I am willing myself to have hope. Having a very busy holiday season has helped my mind stay in the present rather than running away with the "what ifs".

I started stims yesterday. Here is my protocol. 75 F.ollistim, 2 Me.nopur, 5u L.upron in the AM and 150 F.ollistim, 1 M.enopur in the PM until Wednesday then I switch to only PM meds. My baseline ultrasound showed a nice thin lining and 15 antral follicle count (which is more than I've had in the previous cycles). Next U/S and bloodwork are on Friday.

Congratulations to all those BFP out there....something is going around out there, I just hope I can catch it.

Here we go....again

2008-12-19T09:08:00.009-05:00

We are officially off and running with IVF#3. Actually I guess I was officially in it when I started BCPs, but it never feels real until I break out the needles. I started with L.upron 20u today, decrease on the 29th, baseline on 12/31, stims on 1/3, follow up u/s 1/9, and ER week of 1/12. Our big decision (if we get to make it) is do we continue with 5dt or switch to 3dt? I know that most people are happier getting to a 5dt. We have been blessed to have enough embies to make that an option. I'm just starting to think "do we need to do something different this time?" No need to obsess about that right now I suppose. So I'm hoping for a smooth holiday season as I will be jacked up on L.upron for the entire couple of weeks. I keep on saying "third time's a charm". I'm in such a weird place emotionally right now. I have pretty much no expectations about how this cycle is going to turn out. I've had a negative cycle, we could get that again. On the other hand if it is positive, doesn't mean that we will stay pregnant. The scariness about the process has worn off so I am certainly less anxious. I also can plan a little bit ...we all know how I LOVE to plan! The only thing that I am going to adamant about this cycle is that when they start my IV for ER that it be done either by the IV team or anesthesia....I don't need to be a pin cushion on that day.

The Cinderella Castle all aglow!

Z getting a big hug from her favorite princess

Our family

Z after her Princess Makeover at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique

Our Disney trip was incredible!!!! (Aside from the fact that I got AF in full force when I was in the airplane bathroom with my daughter). The weather was great. Z was spoiled rotten and treated like a princess the entire week. Anyone traveling to Disney around the holidays - I would HIGHLY recommend going to the "Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party" at the Magic Kingdom. It is an evening event that you can get into the park at 4 pm until midnight. Because there are limited tickets, there are virtually no lines and we almost walked right on to most of the rides (the kiddie rides anyway). We had pictures taken with a whole bunch of characters, the Christmas parade was out of this world and the fireworks were breath taking. We enjoyed it so much that we ended up going back for a second night, and my DH is already planning our next trip down there in two years. (Of course I'm doing the IVF math and thinking that would include a 14 month old). We came back to New England in time for a snow storm and hit the ground running with organizing the holiday madness.

May latest adventure was my slip and fall on the ice. I had had a couple of stressful days at work, and on my next day off I woke up to a tremendous headache. I spent the morning doing everything I could think of to get rid of it. I drank coffee, took tylenol, put a hot pack on my neck and face, and did some pressure point treatment. While I was doing all of this Z was running around like a maniac, the guy who is now remodeling our master bathroom shower was bringing in all of his equipment and C had a friend over to help move a bunch of work related equipment out of the basement. My father-in-law was also buzzing around- not really sure what he was doing. Then my therapist calls (the one who does craniosacral work): "Didn't we have an appointment this morning?" I wanted to cry. I could have had this taken care of by a professional? Turns out she had a crack of time in her schedule to fit me in, so I ran into her office. When I got home I decided if I took a quick nap, then that would be the end of my headache. My daughter was with my mother-in-law at this point, and my house was now empty. Perfect! So I took a nap. I woke up, refreshed. Headache - gone, mission accomplished. I then went up the hill to pick up my daughter from my mother-in-law, get out of my car take about 15 steps, slip on a very small patch of ice, get sent off balance and take a couple of running steps forward to right myself. I never did regain my balance and as I'm falling I see the slate step that makes up my in-laws porch coming closer to my face. This is when I went into slow motion and the only thing that went through my mind was "surely I'm not going to hit THAT?!"

Crack.

I landed forehead first on that step. I thought for sure I had just split my head wide open. My husband can't listen to me tell the story, because the visual makes him sick to his stomach. Now, this fall was unobserved - thank goodness. I'm pretty sure if someone saw it they would either be horrified, or laughing hysterically unable to render aid. I was pretty shaken up and started to cry, I didn't want to take my hand off my head because I was sure there would be some major blood loss. Next thing I hear is my daughter yelling "Mommy fell down" and I can hear the panic in her voice. She didn't see it, she just saw me laying on the ground. ANYWAY, to make a tremendously long story short, I have a cut above my eye, that did not require any kind of stitches. My nickname at work is now "Egghead". And yesterday I noticed that my eyelid is now bruising and I'm getting a black eye, this morning when I woke up my eye was almost swollen shut, but quickly got better when I got upright. Let me tell you....I'm a vision!!!

Just kidding

2008-11-30T05:30:00.002-05:00

So I saw one spot and declared yesterday cd1. Well, no such luck. Still awaiting for an out and out AF. Which will probably happen today, since it is a travel day and all, and the the first official day of our vacation.

So far it is not going off very well. Yesterday we travelled 2 1/2 hours to stay closer to the airport. We are not an early morning family and we would have had to get up around 4am to make our flight if we left directly from home. A friend of my husband owns a spare 2 family house that is currently vacant and only 20 minutes from the airport. We decided to stay there for the night, get up at 6 am and take a cab to the airport....sounds like a better plan right? Well, lets just say that the accommodations at this house are a bit lacking. C and I are/were sharing a full sized bed, scratch that, futon (vs. our gigantic king size bed at home). Z is sleeping on an egg crate mattress on the floor. The apartment is a nice sized 2 bedroom place, but it is mostly used as storage for C's friend. One false step could create a small avalache of boxes. So it is best to remain still in one area. I don't know if it was the bed, my head/neck ache, or the anticipation of missing the alarm, but I had the hardest time sleeping. I won't say that I didn't sleep at all, I think I did get in some cat napping. But at 3:00 am I finally gave up and got out of bed, cried a little and have been on the computer ever since (it is now 5:30...only 30 minutes before the alarm goes off!) Z has been up at least 3 times asking me to turn her music back on so she could go back to sleep. C had to get up and connect some cables so I could get on the internet.....my guess is that by 2 pm there will be a major meltdown...perhaps by me. So while I have the whole "Debbie Downer" act going, I will also mention that the forecast for Orlando today is Thunder Storms starting around noon (our plane is supposed to land at 11:49). These storms are to continue throughout the whole day....I am not liking the beginning of this vacation.

BUT, maybe my negativity is just because I have a headache, am freezing (wrapped in a large towel because I couldn't find any blankets...or the thermostat for that matter), anxious about AF, and have had no appreciable sleep. I need to just make up my mind to RELAX and enjoy. I will not complain about my early morning wakings or my sore/dizzy head (I'm putting that in writing, so I have to commit to it).

12 minutes until the alarm....better go get ready to wake up!

CD 1 - at long last

2008-11-29T08:34:00.002-05:00

I can't remember a time when I was so eagerly waiting for AF to show. I was almost a week and a half late. Apparently this a normal occurrence after a failed IVF cycle, no one had told me that. I went in for my cycle review on Wednesday. The LPN that took my vital signs is, well lets just say she is not one of my favorites. She was in on the last retrieval and participated in the great let's make the patient a pin cushion fiasco. She is not terribly sensitive to the whole IVF process. One of her first questions: "So, you're not pregnant yet?" I told her that my period was late, but I was about as sure as I could be that I was not pregnant. We decided to do a pregnancy test, in my mind just to rule it out. But she started to get all excited about the prospect that I was pregnant. I kept thinking that this was not really appropriate for an IVF patient. So here is how the conversation went:

Nurse: That would be so exciting! You should wait and surprise your husband at Thanksgiving dinner!

Me: I really don't think that I'm pregnant, I just want to rule this out.

Nurse: Instead of bringing out the turkey, you could bring out a baby rattle on a platter!

Me: (smiling politely)

Nurse: Do you think you could wait until tomorrow to tell him?

Me (having ENOUGH of this conversation): Well, first off I am working all day tomorrow so there will be no Thanksgiving meal for me. Second, I was pregnant earlier this year and had a miscarriage so even if this test is positive, it will be many weeks before we feel like we could celebrate.

*Crickets chirping*

Nurse: Oh, of course, I understand.

I don't think she could have exited the room any faster. The rest of the review with the doctor went fine. We were only going to change my protocol to a lupron flare if I hadn't started my period by today. There was some talk about switching to a 3dt vs 5dt, if only to make a change to what we are doing, not because they feel like we need to. I'm going to play that one by ear. My RE says there are no differences in pregnancy rates with a 3dt vs 5dt, just a decreased likelihood of multiples with the 5dt because they transfer less. I think for my age they would transfer 4 at 3dt - that just scares me a little too much. We are going to repeat my FSH with my next period....that will be in the middle of the cycle, so it is not like it will change anything, it's just time to do it again. I also brought up donor eggs, my RE laughed and said that there is no reason for that now especially with the way I stimulate, fertilize and divide. She made a comment that when I got closer to 42.5/43 years old, then it would be time to consider that. It was my turn to laugh at that, I'm figuring that we will be done with this process one way or the other by the end of 2009.

So we are off today for the big vacation. I'm looking forward to getting out of all this snow (we have had about 2-3 inches on the ground for a week), and back into short sleeve shirts.

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft a-gley

2008-11-23T20:56:00.006-05:00

Just when I didn't think I had anything to blog about whilst I was waiting for AF and next cycle to start.....

My cycle is all wonky this month! I ovulated at least a week late and am waiting with breath that is baited for AF to show up. If it is much later than Friday, I fear that ER/ET will be delayed a week. That wouldn't be so bad under normal circumstances but that would mean that 1. I would be dealing with AF during my vacation and most importantly 2. The 13 days that I took off of work will be ill timed. I had planned on taking the time off so that I would be stress free about calling out from work after ER if needed, as well as being able to rest for a few days after ET. My clinic does absolutely no kind of bedrest post ET (except for the day of), and I just think its a good idea to be off my feet for a few days, especially considering my job. I have an appointment with the RE for my official cycle review, although I have a feeling that we will not be changing much for this next cycle. In the meantime, I'm cursing myself a bit - silly me thinking I could do something like make a plan for next cycle nearly two months ahead of time.

On to more fun filled plans: our trip to Disney is in one week. I'm just about, no scratch that, I'm probably more excited than my daughter. I'm making C crazy with all of my planning - I just want this to be an amazing vacation, and as memorable as it can be to a 4 year old. It has been a nice distraction to infertility.

Thanksgiving is going to be a lost holiday this year. I work both Thursday and Friday, then we will leave our house Saturday and spend the night close to the airport since we have a pretty early flight. I will have a left over turkey dinner waiting for me when I get home from work.

Meme

2008-11-16T23:49:00.002-05:00

So exciting...this will be my first!

Thanks to Hez, who is still there supporting me!!!

The rules are as following:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

Random thing #1: I close my eyes when I brush my teeth. I have no idea why, or when it started. A couple of years ago I noticed my eyes were closed while I was brushing, I made an effort to open them and it was the most bizarre sensation, so I am assuming that I have been doing this for quite some time.

Random thing #2: I hate the way cardboard or any kind of rough paper feels on my hands. We just rolled a bunch of coins and I can't bring myself to pick up the rolls... just the idea of handling them makes the hair on my neck stand up. Putting a fair amount of lotion on my hands makes it slightly more tolerable. I just told my DH about this a few weeks ago and he thinks that I am nuts.

Random thing #3: Whenever I see the time 11:11 I say "hello"(out loud) to my friend MG who passed away 4 years ago. She used to say "Eleven eleven, elevens a plenty" whenever she saw this time. She used to do this with 10:10 as well, but for some reason I seem to only see 11:11. Since she passed away I see this time at least a couple of times a week, and in the most unusual places - time stamps on emails, fetal monitoring documentation... I miss her everyday, I'm broken hearted that my daughter will never know her. If we ever have a son, his name will be her last name.

Random thing #4: I am the only one in my family who has not become a sports official. My brother referees hockey - he refereed the Olympics in Italy in 2006, my father refereed college and high school football, softball, basketball, and was a gymnastics judge and now works evaluating football officials, my mother was a gymnastics judge. One day...in my abundance of spare time, I would like to get into gymnastics judging, although the sport has changed dramatically since I was involved.

Random thing #5: One of my favorite sounds when the seal is broken on a certain type of IV fluids- it is a very crisp "pop".

Random thing #6: As much as I love my career, and think about what degree I can work on next...all I really want to do is to be a stay at home mom...

Okay, I tag Baby Quest, I believe in Miracles and anyone else who is out there reading.....

The next plan

2008-10-27T10:00:00.002-04:00

I'm planning on calling the clinic today and telling them to pencil me in for ER week of Jan 12. I have put in for vacation time at work that will give me 11 days off during ER/ET (fortunately I only work 3 shifts per week, I only had to take 3 days of earned time to have that much time off). I have started weight watchers (again...) and have lost 2 pounds. My goal is to drop 10 pounds by the time we go to Disney and hopefully another 5-10 before my next ER. I think a total of 15 pounds by mid January is a bit more realistic. It is a mystery to me that I will do anything to have another baby- change jobs, take a pay cut, spend more time and money in gas getting to new job, give myself daily injections, go to therapy, have countless vagin.al ultrasounds.....but I can't seem to lose weight. WTF? I've been told that it is really the only change in my lifestyle that would improve my chances of conception - so what am I waiting for? Earlier this year I lost almost 20 pounds before IVF#1, and that did result in a pregnancy. Then I ate my way through the grief of the miscarriage and put back on about 13 of those pounds. So here I go again, battling my weight - life time battle that I wouldn't say I'm losing, but I'm not winning either.

I'm coming to grips with the BFN. This weekend at work was a little tough. I grabbed at the chance of taking labor patients vs post partum. The idea of holding someone else's baby or helping them breast feed is just too much for my heart to take right now. Occasionally the baby's will come out the nurse's station/nursery while the parents are taking a break, so the nurse's end up cuddling the baby's. It doesn't happen a lot, babies spend most of the time in the room with their parents, so when a baby is out with us, there is usually a fight about who gets to hold the baby...not me though. I'm all but running away from them. I know that if I was asked to rock/sooth a baby I would just burst into tears.

I'm in that weird place of not wanting to think about the "what ifs". And the big one is what if IVF#3 doesn't work? Will we try again? How many more times? I keep telling myself that I can't make those decisions now, because I don't know how I will feel when the time comes. Last night on the way home from work I thought that if I am not pregnant by next fall (2009) then maybe I will look at going back to school. I have a bachelor's degree in Kinesiology, an associates degree in nursing. I would either finish my bachelor's in nursing (I only have 3 classes left), or see about going straight into a master's in some sort of nursing. In the long run I see myself in a more administrative position....good lord, that is way too far away to think about right now. Especially considering I can't even make a decision about what I'm going to do today....do I knit and clean the house or paint the upstairs hallway? Or better yet, maybe I will just procrastinate by staying on the computer long enough that it will be too late to get involved in any projects. I like options #3!

Overwhelmed

2008-10-22T16:17:00.003-04:00

I'm overwhelmed at the response I got to my last post....Thank you all so much - it means the world to me knowing that I am not alone. I'm in that weird place where I want my friends to know about what is going on, but I don't want to talk to anyone...blogging makes this grieving process much easier. I don't have to worry about breaking down and crying at any given moment during conversation. I'm so sick of crying!! It's not even cathartic anymore, all it does is make me feel more sad and pathetic.

Nancy, I guess it's too late to question the early testing now. I stopped my progesterone on Monday and I started spotting lightly yesterday, full blown AF today. My nurse did tell me early on that if the first test was <1 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">dpET) was 27. I'm walking that fine line of trusting that "they" know what the hell they are doing, and advocating for myself. I'm so tired of being on high alert for every-freakin-thing.

I made my appointment for my cycle review. Right now the appointment is set for Nov 26, unless there is a cancellation. I guess I will bring up the whole DE issue, although I don't think we are really candidates - so far we have have good stimulation and good non-ICSI fertilization. According to preliminary assessment by my nurse, there is not much that they would change next cycle...I'm just gambling with the percentages. Looks like January will be go time again. I have enough warning that I think I am going to try to schedule some honest to goodness vacation time during ER and ET. That would certainly help with decreasing my stress level during that time.

My parents are in town, we don't have any crazy projects planned like we usually do. Tonight it's pumpkin carving and tomorrow is Cranberry Apple Walnut Pancakes - yum. Oh, and it snowed today....yes SNOWED! Z was running around this morning yelling "it's wintertime!"

So anyway, I'm off to get ready for the great pumpkin carving fest - I will be indulging in wine tonight. Perhaps I will wait to pop the cork until all the sharp knives are put away, last thing I need is a trip to the ER.

<1

2008-10-20T21:55:00.003-04:00

I've been absent - sorry. For no good reason until today. Transfer went well. We did a 5 dt of one blast and one morula, one embie made it to freeze. I felt miserable on Saturday, spent most of the day in bed and at the end of the day started to throw up. "Yippee", I thought in between dry heaves.

Today is another story. I had my beta this morning. My clinic does them pretty early on, 5 and 7 dpET. Usually the first specimen is frozen and run with the second so they get the doubling time and have a better indication of a viable pregnancy right off. Anyway, I was going to have my betas drawn at different labs, so they went ahead and ran the one from this morning. It was <1. No need to repeat beta on Wednesday. Progesterone has stopped. I have already discussed the next cycle with my nurse as now we are getting into holiday season...tentatively it looks like I might be set for ER the week of Jan 12.

But I digress.....the tears are almost overwhelming. My eyes are red and they burn with every blink. Of course I was at work when I got the results. In a unit filled with babies and pregnant co-workers. I lost it and I lost it big time. I went into an empty patient room and cried for an hour. Finally I called the charge nurse in, a friend of mine and someone who is well aware of my woes, and told her I could just not function today. I was able to leave early and discretely I don't have to go back to work until Saturday - this is a very well timed break.

So I did something stupid this evening. My parents are coming in town tomorrow, so we of course had to do some cleaning. I decided that there were things that needed to go up into the attic. As I am standing up there, awaiting the box of outgrown clothes of Z's that C is at the bottom of the stairs lifting over his head, I see Z's boppy, then the swing, her broken down crib, the baby gates, the high chair, booster chair, infant car seat, portable tub, and boxes upon boxes of clothes and baby gear. All are neatly packed and labeled, awaiting their next user. I felt defeated, wondering if it is time to give some of that stuff away - at least the clothes. I'm not ready to give up, but today there is only the smallest sliver of hope that remains that this will work. The good news it is still there, and good or bad I know that it will start to grow with virtually wild abandon once we are cycling again.

My recipe for comfort tonight was pizza, soda, C's strong shoulder to cry on, and later an ambien.

Tomorrow I climb back on that wagon that I fell off of a couple of weeks ago and start exercising. I'm hoping that my eyes will be a little drier and a little less red - thank goodness tomorrow is a therapy day.

Poll

2008-10-12T14:45:00.002-04:00

I have a couple of questions:

1. How long did it take you (yes, you) to recover from ER? I was told by my clinic that I should be out of work the day of the procedure (duh!) and the next day, then should be fine to go back to work the day after. I am now 4dpER and am just now feeling ok. I actually called out sick today because by the end of work yesterday it hurt to walk and sit. I started worrying about OHSS, but I have actually lost 2 lbs since ER and feel better today....maybe it is just because I spend my time at work (12 hours of it) walking or standing.

2. For those of you who are pregnant after IVF, did your body feel worse going through IVF or during early pregnancy?

3. What does your clinic prescribe for bedrest after ET? I've seen some people that are on 4 days of bedrest, my clinic okays going back to work the next day. If you are on long bedrest, what is the rational behind it?

I guess that is all for now. ET tomorrow morning at 9:45 EST.

Let's try this again....

2008-10-11T07:42:00.005-04:00

So the morning of the ER went pretty well, that is until I actually went into the procedure room. C was able to collect his specimen before I had to go in, because we didn't want another "incident". As I'm lying on the stretcher, anxiously awaiting my sleepy meds, the process of starting an IV commences. Unfortunately this was becoming a repeat of last time. They were trying to put in a 20 or 22 gauge (the smallest you typically use on an adult) and after 4 attempts, decided to wait for anesthesia. When the boychild of an anesthesiologist came in, they told him of the difficulties they had starting an IV. He starts looking at my neck and my feet for a site....I'm not kidding. Part of me thinks he was looking at these sites just because they would be "cool" and good experience for him to start an IV in those places. He did finally get one in in my hand, thank goodness. And not much longer after that I was getting the happy juice. At this point we were running very late, almost an hour, so I feel bad about the ER after me (I was the first of the day). The RE (my favorite) came in briefly during the IV crisis and said "Looks like we'll get 6-8." I was very disappointed, especially since we had 14 last cycle.

Next thing I know, I'm in recovery. They retrieved 11 eggs - yay, although I still thought it would be more. I did not have any crazy bleeding and was able to leave the clinic in a reasonable amount of time. C wanted to stop at Best Buy on the way home, and I was desperate for a sandwich. I actually went into Best Buy with him because "I feel great!" That only lasted for about 10 minutes, then I was back out in the car in a reclined position, regretting my strong shopping impulse. As soon as I got home I climbed into bed, and pretty much stayed there the rest of the day. I went downstairs when my daughter came home from daycare and the first thing she said was "why is there a baby in your belly?" I guess she hears us talking a lot more than we give her credit for.

I was able to lay low for the next couple of days. 9 out of the 11 fertilized, and we are definitely on track for a 5 day transfer. Thank goodness! Last night I asked C how he felt about this cycle. I guess I was fishing for a little optimism, because I surely don't have any. It's not that I don't think this will work, I'm hopeful that it will. I just know that a positive beta, even multiple doubling betas, even a heartbeat, doesn't mean that we will have a baby. If we do get pregnant, I wonder at what point I will be able to reassured....probably not until a baby is in my arms.

Right now we have a great distraction, to keep us from focusing all on baby stuff. We are going to Disney the week after Thanksgiving. We have made our reservations, and yesterday I spent the day planning some of our Disney excursions. Z is going to have a princess makeover, complete with hairdo, princess dress, tiara and shoes. We will also be there for an afterhours Christmas Party/parade. I think I just might be as excited as Z...if that is possible. I'm at work for the weekend, which will also be a distraction from obsessing about ET.

Bollocks!

2008-10-09T20:59:00.003-04:00

Just wrote my ER story....hit a wrong button and lost it all....so I will try again tomorrow. I will leave you with this: 11 eggs, 9 fertilized, 5dt planned for Monday.

Close to the surface

2008-09-26T10:14:00.003-04:00

First things first - the girl's night out was awesome. It has been so long since I have giggled at the silliest of things. At one point it felt like we were back in high school and were out for a joy ride in our parents car. We are going to try and do this once a month.

The ultrasound was interesting. The tech greeted me and brought me back into my favorite room (just an aside - isn't it sick that I have a "favorite" ultrasound room?!). The tech was also one of my favorites. She is bubbly and friendly and actually talks to me before breaking out the wand. She left me alone to change and as I am sitting on the table waiting for her to come back, I start to panic. I start thinking about how this was the room where we found out that there was no longer a heart beat during out last cycle. But wait, I'd been in this room before, I'd had my sonohystergram here just a few weeks ago...what was different? It was the tech. She had been the ultrasound tech that day as well. I found myself in a tail spin. I didn't want my favorite tech to stimulate such sad and vivid memories. And yet I am sitting on the table, naked from the waste down, looking at the ceiling so the tears don't breech the crest of my lower eyelid. Because I know that if one tear lands on my cheek, I will quickly go into the the ugly sobbing crying. I have been doing very well for several weeks now, but sitting in that room, waiting for her to come back in, I realized how close to the surface those emotions still are. I did manage to hold it together...didn't even need a kleenex.

So 6 resting follicles on each side (I think I had 14 last time), but the scan was so fast, I'm not sure how accurate that is. No free fluid in the uterus, no cysts, no need for blood work this time around. I have the green light to start stims tomorrow am. 1 menop.ur and 150 of f.ollistim in the morning and at night. Follow up ultrasound on Friday and an E2.

Driven by an emotional day, I decided to keep the theme running and told C how I didn't feel comfortable around a lot of his friends. (I thought about this earlier in the day when I stopped by to have lunch with C at his office today after my ultrasound and one of his gaming friends showed up half way through lunch....I got uncomfortable and left pretty abruptly). C is a social chameleon, and can talk about sports, theatre, comic books, many genres of literature, computer gaming, politics, celebrity gossip, etc... Many of his friends are into computer gaming - something I have pretty much zero interest in, so when they start talking all I hear is blah, blah, blah. With his male friends, they are always trying one up the other in insults. He would NEVER talk to me this way, so when I hear him talking to others like that, even if I know everyone is joking around, it makes me uncomfortable. So between gaming talk and insults, I'm usually pretty bored and antsy to leave. This whole topic came up last night because C wanted to go spend the evening with some of his friends next weekend. Now, let me preface this by saying that I love this couple...but both husband and wife are gamers, so there comes a point late in the evening when ALL conversation is about graphic novels and gaming. I try to smile and nod, but honestly I don't even listen. Am I the worst wife ever? So all of this comes up in my conversation with C yesterday. He was very understanding about the whole thing and wanted to know what we should DO about it, all I wanted to do was relax and watch Survivor. I wasn't out to fix any problems last night, I was motivated to say something because of an emotional day compounded by 2 weeks of l.upron. Poor guy, now I have him trying to fix an issue that I really don't give too much thought to until I am faced with spending time with his gaming friends, which is hardly ever.

Holding pattern

2008-09-23T14:29:00.003-04:00

I'm in this drawn out holding pattern of down regulation. This part seems to take so long. So now I am down to 10u of L.upron in the am. My attitude about this cycle is so different. Last time I could rattle off all the dates in my head, I knew exactly when I was working and whether or not I was going to have to do my own AM injections on those days. This time around I have to consult my IVF folder a million times to make sure when my u/s appointments are and when I'm decreasing my L.upron. My baseline u/s is this Thursday. Depending on what they find in the u/s I may or may not have bloodwork done on that same day. Stims will start on Saturday, and follow up u/s on Oct 3. Now that I am thinking about my schedule, the timing seems to be a bit bad as I am turning 40 (FORTY!!!) on Oct 1st. Nothing like being juiced up on hormones when I'm about to hit a milestone birthday that I dread. Now, I have never been one to make a big deal about my own birthday, and the numbers have never bothered me (except when I turned 27 - I had a hard time with that one and I have no idea why). But 40 (FORTY!!!) is a different story. Maybe it's the infertility, maybe it is just the number....but I'm freaking out a little bit!

Okay, I've calmed down for the moment.

Tonight I'm going out with for an honest to goodness girl's night out. Granted it is on a Tuesday and I have to work tomorrow, but I'll take it. It has been way too long since I've spent time with just girl friends that has nothing to do with work.

I'm already looking forward to transfer and I'm trying to plan ahead a little. I've read on some blogs that some RE prescribe valium or something similar on the day of transfer. My clinic has not prescribed anything, but I was thinking that might be beneficial for the anxiety of that day. Anyone have any input/experiences they could share with me on this subject?

Meet my friends Dense and Lumpy

2008-09-09T14:52:00.005-04:00

I was due for a pap, and the RE wanted to get one in before I cycled. Next thing I know, it turned into a regular annual physical. "Your b.reasts are dense and lumpy" says the APRN. "Gee, thanks!" says me. I made the mistake and said that I would soon be having a mammogram. "Oh, you don't need that until you are 40". "I will turn 40 next month" says me...silly, silly me. Next thing I know, it is 4 days later and I am standing in a small room with a stranger manipulating my b.reasts and squishing them into what I believe was a large playdoh fun factory set up. It wasn't so bad I guess....

I started Lupron today- 20 units. We are on our way!

Trading Places

2008-09-03T11:58:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I asked C how many more times he could envision us doing IVF. I have had in my head that we would do a total of 3 fresh cycles and maybe an FET if we had the frosties for it. As my 40th (yes, FORTIETH) birthday looms just around the corner, I've been thinking quite a bit about our family's direction. TTC has consumed almost 3 years of our life. I've changed my job and possibly my career path as a result. C and I have grown closer in ways and more distant in others in the wake of this desperate attempt to grow our family. I know how lucky we are to have our daughter, and there are certainly times that I think - why isn't this enough? I wonder how our life might be different right now if we had not gone in this direction. If you had asked me a year ago how many times I would do IVF the answer would have been "as many as it takes". Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up what could potentially be a couple more years, I'm getting too old for that, and I don't want to miss our life that is going along at what seems light speed. My daughter has been having very rough mornings lately. The other day she ran outside into the yard as my car was pulling out of the driveway (at 5:30 am) crying that she would miss me and wanted to go to work with me....that is killing me. I think on some level she feels the impact of the stress IVF has brought into our house, of the miscarriage..... How could she not feel that? And I don't want to do this to her for very much longer, although ironically part of why we are trying so hard for another child is for her to have a sibling.

Anyway, I digress. So right now, I say 3 fresh cycles. C, who at the beginning of all of this said that we should try this once and see how it goes, says to me yesterday that he would do all the 6 cycles that our insurance will pay, if I am willing and the IVF team continues to be optimistic that this will work for us. Even though we are not really on the same page in regards to how long we will continue this, I was so reassured that he wants this as much as I do. C has been so supportive throughout this whole process and I know that he has an appreciation that so much of the burden (physically and emotionally) falls on me. He is very careful not to assert his position to aggressively, because when it comes down to it, it is my body and I have final say of how much of this I want to take. But to hear him say that he not only "would" but "wants" to go the distance on this, gives me wind to my sails. Right now I feel like we can accomplish anything....look at me I'm ten feet tall and bulletproof! Okay, now I'm getting a little carried away, and I will have to flag this post as the apex of my optimism, especially when I am at the nadir of my cycle.

posting to say nothing

2008-09-02T10:12:00.002-04:00

Not a whole lot is going on in the IVF arena, right now just hanging out on BCPs. I have a pap on Thursday (joy!), then Lupron next week. I am more focused on planning our trip to Disney, and connecting with friends that have fallen by the wayside. Consequently, my blogging and keeping up with message boards has suffered, so I apologize for the lack of commenting.

Work is finally getting better most days, I am feeling more comfortable with the job in general, so I'm not so stressed during my drive in. I've also started doing some carpooling which makes the financial pinch of the commute more tolerable.

cd4

2008-08-18T15:10:00.002-04:00

Well, we are on our way. I started BCP yesterday. I have an HSG scheduled for Thursday. The HSG is to see if my uterus has healed well from the D&C. I am a bit bummed about the timing of the HSG as I will have to leave work to have it done. It is only about a 5 minute walk from our unit, but because I will be leaving the floor for a doctor's appointment, it took an act of congress to get it approved. Ok, not really, but I did have to notify my boss, and she in turn had to talk with the charge nurse that is going to be on that day and tell her why I have to leave. You see it is a pretty strict policy that we do not make any kind of appointments for a day that we are scheduled to work. Our unit is very unpredictable when it comes to planning a break. My boss is very understanding about the cycle driven schedule of IVF, so she is happy (well, maybe not happy, but understanding anyway) to accommodate my IVF scheduling needs. Unfortunately it is necessary to tell the charge nurse what is happening and why, because otherwise it looks like I am getting preferential treatment when it comes to leaving the floor. I'm sure this will come up again for follicle monitoring ultrasounds, ER and ET, so I guess I should just buck up and get used to it. I'm just not sure how ready I am for others to know about what I am going through.

Just the other day I overheard a fellow nurse make a comment about a patient who had gotten pregnant with an IUD in place. Her comment was "now that is a baby that was meant to be". Does she mean that if it takes any effort to get pregnant it wasn't meant to be? I know you all have heard the same comments from unsuspecting friends or acquaintances. I don't know why it bothers me, it's none of their business, right? And yet, on some level, it must matter to me about what others think, I can't help it.

So, if all goes like it did the first time around, ER will be around Oct 8th. We will be hoping to do another 5dt, but that of course could change. It is surreal to think about my calendar. The IVF coordinator, while looking at my cycle initially was plotting it out to when I would have my pg test. I'm a little nervous as if all goes well this time around, I will be 10 weeks pregnant for our trip to Disney. Ok, ok, I can't get that far ahead of myself......

I'm excited about this cycle. What a difference from last time. I hate being a veteran at this, but I'm glad that I know my way around the meds, the u/s, the labile moods, etc.

My Own Personal Cheerleader

2008-08-09T12:19:00.002-04:00

And believe it or not, that cheerleader is my RE. The follow up visit was pretty amazing. We talked about the miscarriage and the aftermath. I was actually impressed that she was very sensitive about women having their D&C in the clinic, rather than in the OR. She works with a lot of residents and she says she often hears them complain that doing a D&C in the OR is a waste of money and effort when it is a simple procedure that can be done in the office. Her response is that she can't imagine the emotional pain that women have to go through when they are asked abort the products of conception in the very place where they came to get pregnant. Speaking of residents, after the LPN took my vital signs she said "Okay, now Resident X will be in to see you". Well Resident X is someone that I work with. I actually just took care of his wife and his new baby about a week ago. Other than this latest interaction with he and his wife, which was very positive, I don't have a great track record with him. I was not about to talk with him about my miscarriage. I politely declined, but the LPN kept saying "but he's a third year resident". I'm glad I held my ground, I would have been pretty profoundly uncomfortable with him.

Anyway, back to the good stuff. We moved on to discuss our next cycle. Essentially the RE basically said that there was no reason other than old eggs and statistics on why the pregnancy didn't stick. We are not going to change the protocol. I stimmed well, I have mature eggs, they fertilized well, divided well, had several embryos that made it to pretty advanced stages of development, the two blasts they transferred were beautiful.....just bad luck this time. She is optimistic about IVF working for us, given how tuned in to the emotional aspect of this process, I don't think she would say something like that lightly. At the end of the meeting, she said that she would be my personal cheerleader...actually used those words.

Next, the IVF coordinator came in and discussed my potential schedule. I had some CM changes, so I think that AF will be coming in about a week. So we are looking at a tentative ER/ET week of October 6. It all seems very surreal thinking about stimming again, but this time I am excited and not so nervous. I've never been looking so forward to AF showing up in my life (ok, maybe once or twice in college....but I digress).

IVF #2 here I come

2008-08-04T19:19:00.003-04:00

Lots and lots of things have been happening lately, so blogging has been put on the way back burner. Work has been tremendously stressful, so I'm glad not to be cycling at the moment. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the RE to discuss the past, and look toward the future. As of late we have been gung ho about starting another cycle as quickly as possible. Partly because I am feeling the pressure of the biological clock, and partly because I want something else to think about other than our successful, yet failed IVF#1.

However, I have a new goal - vacation. An honest to goodness vacation that doesn't involve going to visit family. We've been talking about Disney for awhile now, and it has been put on hold several times. Money is tight and we just weren't sure if it was fiscally responsible for us to go on a trip like that (we don't have a great track record with restraining our spending on vacation). C just found out that with his reward points from his credit card, we can get 3 airline tickets, plus pay for a rental car for the week, not too mention we could use my parents' timeshare...that pretty much sealed the deal for me. Right now I have time off the first week of December, but have no idea what will be happening IVF/pregnancy wise at that time, and when it will be okay to travel. That is going to be pretty high on my priority list to talk with the RE about. Our family desperately needs to take a vacation so I'm hoping that we can do whatever kind of manipulation to my cycle, without delaying the process much, to make it happen. We also thought about going to Ireland with the reward points....but Z is much to small to enjoy that type of sightseeing, so Disney it is.

I have all but gained back the weight that I lost at the beginning of the year. Ten pounds I credit to the IVF meds, and 7 pounds to the emotional eating after the pregnancy loss. I'm back on the exercise mode again and starting to feel a little better. My eating is still an issue, as I'm sure it always will be. C needs to lose weight as well, so we have decided to have a weekly "meeting" and plan our meals and exercise times for the up coming week. We need that rigid kind of scheduling, because otherwise something will come up and exercise will be secondary - when it really needs to be a priority for both of us.

Grief

2008-07-31T00:16:00.004-04:00

The following is a excerpt from one of my favorite books "The Book of Qualities" by Ruth Gendler. In this book, it personifies many different emotions and virtues. I stumbled across the book today and was flipping through it, looking for a little nugget of script that I might paint on my daughter's wall like "Truth is not willing to live without Love". Instead tonight I found myself drawn to reading this:

Grief

Before she came to this town Grief was a woman named Eliea. She was a potter, and she glazed her big-bellied pots with earth colors until they shone like dull bronze. She had four children. The daughters live inland now in the distant foothills, and the oldest son left the family as soon as he could get away. It was the young boy with the golden curls and the laughing eyes who gave her great joy. He loved the ocean. He was barely walking when he learned to swim and not much older when he started to sail. One day about two years ago the sailors brought his boat home empty.

Never have I heard such sounds of weeping as when Grief found out her son had drowned. She screamed and howled. She stamped her feet and smashed her pots and bowls. She ate with all her fingers. She tore at her hair, and it grew wild and matted. She wandered from place to place with no sense of where she was or how she came there.

One day at the edge of the forest Grief heard another woman crying out. She spoke with her. She listened to her story. Grief was surprised. She had never met anyone else who had suffered as she had. Together the women sat in the clearing and mourned their children. Through the long afternoon, through the twilight, through the night, they wept and wept and wept and wept. In the morning Grief was washed clean of her tears. She came to our town and started to do her real work.

Thank you to everyone who has shared and mourned and wept. I feel like it is time to come out of the forest and once again begin my real work.

Adding Insult to Injury

2008-07-14T16:41:00.001-04:00

As an added bonus for my return to work today - a co-worker found out that she was pregnant! By mistake! With an IUD in place!

Here

2008-07-13T13:38:00.003-04:00

* pregnancy loss and child mentioned*

I'm slowly coming back out of my shell. Going back to work was brutal. Being around a unit full of new moms and babes is not exactly therapeutic for me. I had to leave early the first two shifts, but actually did make it through a full 12 hours last Monday. Since then I have been off on "vacation". We did not go anywhere, but this was planned time off from many months ago.

My daughter turned 4 this week, and this has been a non-stop celebration with family coming and going throughout the week. It has been a good distraction, but as tomorrow grows near, I am becoming more tense about going back to work. This time of year is always emotionally charged for me because not only is it my daughter's birthday (we started ttc when she was 18 months old), but in a few days it will be the anniversary of the death of my dear friend. She passed away 12 days after the birth of my daughter.

As far as work goes, I ended up sending out an email to the people that I work with on day shift. I have not been myself, people have seen me crying in the corner when a co-worker is asking how I'm doing. I sent the email partly to squelch rumors, but also to gain a little slack when it comes to assignments (I don't think that I could handle doing a 2nd trimester termination for genetic anomalies right now). I told them in the email that I have experienced a pregnancy loss and I am trying to figure out how to cope in an environment filled with babies. My hands were literally shaking as I pushed the "send" button. It is terrifying exposing myself to co-workers that I don't know very well. However, I have to say that the response has been overwhelmingly supportive.

Going back a week or so.....the D&C was awful. I was given 5 mg of valium and 2 percocet to take 45 minutes before the procedure (which was to be done in the office). I was so loopy by the time we got to the clinic, that C had to get a wheelchair for me just to get me from the car to the office. The RE went through instructions and a brief description of the procedure, all which were very fuzzy to me. The D&C itself was profoundly painful, and I do remember crying during the procedure. (I have made a not so subtle mental note that if there is a next time, this will be done in the OR and I will be COMPLETELY anesthetized!!!). Afterwards I started throwing up, I think it was from the percocet. No one seemed too concerned about the vomiting, and C had to go find someone to make sure it was okay that we just walked out. I slept most of the way home, then threw up some more once we got back to our house. The rest of the day I hung out in bed, sleeping intermittently. It took me exactly one week to stop bleeding. Now I just wait until AF, then I suppose we start over again. I have not heard from the RE's office, other than a letter regarding the pathology from the D&C. It was one of those template letters..."[insert name] hope you are recovering well from your procedure...." blah blah blah. And by the way you don't have cancer. WTF?! I guess I didn't realize that is what they were looking for when they were doing the pathology. Is it too much to expect my IVF nurse call after a pregnancy loss just to say "are you okay?" I've checked the stats on my clinic and although it is a large teaching hospital, they do not do large numbers of IVF....I guess I thought I would get a little more personalized attention....silly me.

C and I are dealing with things quite differently. I am trying to figure out how to get by day to day, and sometimes hour to hour. A dear friend sent some books on coping with a pregnancy loss, I've tried to read it, but every time I start, I begin to crying and can't see. C is very supportive, but he is looking to the future. I once said that if IVF did not work for us, I would concentrate on getting my master's. So he has brought up me going back to school, as well as trying multiple IVFs. Our insurance will pay for 5 more fresh cycles.....still don't think we would take it that far, 40 is looming and I don't want to keep doing this for another year. But for now, we wait. Waiting again for AF. I do want to jump right into another cycle, I'm just hoping that it won't take AF 12 weeks to show up.

Did I mention that another cousin's wife is pregnant.....with twins.....through IVF? *sigh*

Gone

2008-06-27T13:49:00.001-04:00

Ultrasound today at 8w1d.

No heartbeat.
No growth.

D&C Monday.

I was happy....for about 5 minutes

2008-06-20T19:21:00.003-04:00

So u/s today.....I saw a sonographer that I had never met before and she was not very warm and fuzzy. When the image came up on the screen I immediately saw the sac, and the flicker. I was overwhelmed and thrilled. C and I held hands, so happy that our worries were for not - UNTIL the RE came in. He asked how I was doing, I said "I'm great now". Then he goes into a little sidebar with the sonographer. They talk about gestational sac size and crown to rump length, which are all just fine...this clinic doesn't really give out specifics very freely so I just typically take the no news is good news approach when it comes to statistics. Then we get to the heartbeat. It is 97. NOT good. It seems silly and maybe even trivial, but they wanted to see it over 100. So back for another u/s next week. Which is going to be tricky with my work schedule. They said I could be seen in 7-10 days...hello! How could I wait 10 days? So right now my appointment is for next Friday, but it might get bumped due to lots of retrievals that day. If Friday is a go, then I have to do some fancy rescheduling with work - I'll work on that tomorrow.

As I left the u/s room I ran into both of the IVF nurses that I have worked with, they were very supportive, but not saying terribly optimistic things. I got "at least you got pregnant" and "maybe things with turn around next week". I have no idea what to think right now. 3 beats per minute off doesn't seem like much to warrant such a dismal outlook, but that is the impression I was getting from the IF team.

Unfortunately we had to take my daughter to the appointment. I have never done it before and will do everything I can from doing it again, there was just no other choice. Luckily the clinic is not crawling with infertiles, I rarely see anyone else when I go. And the clinic shares the space with the regular OB clinic, so the place is lousy with pregnant women. Anyway, we have not talked about the pregnancy with her in weeks, but when she walked into the u/s room (I was already there seated with a sheet over my lap) she blurts out "are you having a baby?" Before the RE came in the room (and we were still happy) we pointed to the screen and showed her the baby. So all afternoon she has been pulling up my shirt and asking where the baby is. Boy do I regret saying ANYTHING to her earlier - and you can't just take something like that back.

So off to work tomorrow, I'm hoping that nobody comes up and congratulates me...I know that I won't be able to hold it together.

Back to worry and anticipation

2008-06-18T17:43:00.004-04:00

So the last week has been somewhat of a blur. I have been trying to keep myself (read: my head) occupied and away from Dr. Google. We had a little family outing over the weekend to an amusement park that is just for little kids (Z will be 4 in a few short weeks). We had a blast and I saw a part of New England that I hadn't seen before. The White Mountains are truly spectacular and we are already planning our next trip up there before the end of the summer.

I've been struggling with my emotions and optimism this week. The "bump" and the lack of a definitive gestational or yolk sac is freaking me out. The radiology report also mentioned that the pocket appeared to have "collapsed" in the middle - that surely doesn't sound good. I did phone my IVF nurse and talked with her briefly. Although she didn't say anything along the lines of "don't worry about it, I'm sure it will be fine"....which was the answer I was fishing for. She did say at least one reassuring thing: embryonic development happens so fast this early in the game that an u/s done in the morning might not show anything, but an u/s that same afternoon might show something completely different.

I have been able to remain relatively calm. I am actually confident that I am pregnant. I don't think that my betas would have risen like they did if the pocket on the ultrasound was just fluid (which was a possibility also outlined in the radiology report). BUT, my fear right now is that there is some structural or chromosomal abnormalities that will prevent this pregnancy from resulting in a real live baby. Friday morning's ultrasound is huge. We will be out of limbo one way or another. I will be 7w1d at that time so they should see something. I've let my mind wander to the possibility of needing to make a decision about another round. I know it seems like a no brainer to do another, but truthfully I don't know if we would.

In other news, the cat is totally out of the bag all over town and work. Yesterday someone who I don't even really talk with all that much congratulated me. I was so taken a back, I had no idea what to say. I didn't want to deny it, but I also didn't want just say "thank you" and let it spread further. I ended up saying that nothing was certain yet and we were waiting for another u/s before we got too excited. She apologized and said that she was under the impression that "everyone knew". I have no idea where the leak happened. I can only imagine that someone overhead a conversation I had with my friend from work who also went through IVF. There are 4 people who I have told at work, and I know that none of them would say anything. I guess I'm not really angry....I'm trying to push anger out of my life right now anyway....but I'm disappointed that I was not able to tell people on my terms. Which wouldn't have been for a few more weeks. I suppose this is what I can except working in an environment of 95% women. I dread having people come up to me at work on Saturday and say "congratulations" if we get bad news on Friday. This is just bad timing.

Me and my bump

2008-06-11T15:33:00.006-04:00

Isn't a bump what everyone wants? I hear it so many times now with the celebrity "bump watch". My bump is not making me happy. As every hour goes by I am growing more worried. My ultrasound was yesterday at 5w5d. I was reassured before they even started the scan that all they were looking for was "how many and where". They didn't expect to see anything else. The APRN was in with the u/s tech to point out on the screen what I was looking at. Pretty early into the ultrasound the APRN says to the tech "are you seeing that bump?" Oh, no, please....let this be just a normal boring early ultrasound. I get the "it's probably nothing, we'll know more what we are looking at during the next ultrasound" speech. So I have to wait until next Friday the 20th.

So in the meantime, I check out my office notes for the ultrasound (because I have access to my own medical record), and get an official name for what they were seeing - a chorionic bump. In the notes it also says that there is not definite yoke sac or fetal pole, but from what I understand it can still be a little early to see that - am I wrong? The office note said that the gestational sac may just be fluid....

Just to add to my distress I decided to google "chorionic bump" and I came across an abstract from research that my clinic was involved in, including my specific RE. Here is the name of the article: A First-Trimester Pregnancy Sonographic Finding Associated With a Guarded Prognosis. Well THAT doesn't sound good. Here are some nuggets of information from the article:

Results. The difference in outcomes between the patients with bumps and the healthy control subjects was statistically significant (7 live births versus 13 live births; P < .03), but the difference in outcomes between the patients with bumps and infertility control subjects was not statistically significant (7 live births versus 11 live births; P = .1). Conclusions. The finding of a chorionic bump on the first-trimester sonogram is associated with a guarded prognosis for the early pregnancy (live birth rate <50%);>

So now I have THAT rattling around in my head. I'm going to have to keep myself extremely busy between now and next Friday, otherwise I will go out of my mind. I keep on trying to reassure myself that fluid would not cause the rise in hCG that I have. I've been told that with the rise in my betas it is a good indication of viable pregnancy....so that can't JUST be fluid, can it? C thinks that we got too excited too fast about the pregnancy. I know that this is all completely out of our hands now, there is nothing that I can do to change the outcome. I suppose it is back to just a waiting game. A game that I have been playing for a very long time, but I still suck.

tired, tired, tired

2008-06-08T16:20:00.002-04:00

Did I mention that I was tired? Just a short post as I am, well, tired, and my parents are in town so I don't want to spend lots of time on the computer. My beta on Friday was 2,482 - yea. I go in for an u/s on Tuesday. My goal is to sleep as much as possible......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Scared and happy

2008-06-05T08:50:00.005-04:00

I've decided that it is possible to be scared to death and thrilled at the same time. My beta yesterday was 950 (I think....isn't that funny after obsessing for so long about numbers I can't remember this exact one). All I know is that it doubled in 48 hours and the clinic is pleased. Right now that is all that really matters....except that lurking fear that it is ONLY doubling. It seems that there are so many more women out there with much higher betas at this point (yesterday I was 20dpo). Anyway, I go back for what will hopefully will be the last beta tomorrow, then ultrasound at 8:00am on Tuesday.

I've allowed myself to pull out my two pregnancy books and start re-reading them. I went into the attic and took inventory of my maternity clothes - I'm definitely going to need some more pants. And I have begun the wonderings of what we are going to do with the spare bedroom. I haven't done anything crazy like actually BUY anything, but I have been looking. It will be quite a while before I am that confident to make a purchase. Now all that sounds very well and optimistic, right? Well, then there is the flip side. I can't say the words "I'm pregnant" without the sidebar of "at least for the moment". Most of our talks about the future start off with a big "IF". C knocks on wood (literally) whenever we speak about the idea of another pair of footsteps around the house. We had made plans to go to Disney this fall (I would be 24 weeks). The trip was going to be a big one - I would be off for 12 days. We would drive down and stop in Atlanta to see C's sister, then spend on full week in Orlando. My parents have a time share that has 2-3 bedrooms, a full kitchen and a pool that is 1.5 acres. There are so many unknown factors right now, physically and financially, that I'm not sure it is going to happen. Anyone have an opinion about Disney in October at 5 months pregnant?

I am also very nervous about the actual delivery. Z's delivery turned into a bit of a nightmare. I was 9.5 cm at 11am and delivered (by c-section) at 7:20 pm. I pushed for at least 4 hours. So now I am faced with the decision on whether or not to TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and where to deliver. I feel a strong bond with the small hospital that I just left and it is only 25 minutes away, but they do not have anesthesia in house 24 hours a day, so if we needed to go to a c-section it might be delayed, which is scary. The standard is "30 minutes from decision to incision", but 30 minutes can be a lifetime when the shit is hitting the fan. The hospital where I am now is over an hour away and I don't care for about 1/2 of the attending physicians, but I could be seen by a midwife and anesthesia is right there all the time. Someone told me the fastest c-section they ever saw was 9 minutes from decision to baby. That is extremely reassuring. But the hour drive in late January/early February makes me nervous. I have until the 20th of June to pick a provider.

So, I'm trying to stay in the moment and be happy, even added a baby ticker, although it is low on my sidebar. But I am also focusing on keeping my feet on the ground in the reality that all of these wonderings may be a moot point. I'll move that ticker up the sidebar as my confidence in the outcome increases.

My new favorite number...

2008-06-02T12:25:00.002-04:00

...is 427. That is today's beta. In the words of my IVF nurse "it's marvelous". I will repeat my beta again on Wednesday. I am to call today to schedule an early OB ultrasound for either the 10th or the 11th. I am trying to remain calm and reserved on the outside but on the inside it is one constant "yippeeee".

Cautious....but VERY happy!

2008-05-30T13:04:00.007-04:00

I've been avoiding blogging... not really sure why...because I have good news! I've been waiting so long to post this....I can officially add a BFP to my labels! My beta on the 27th was, well 27. 2nd beta yesterday was 97 - we've got tripling! I've been hearing "congratulations" each time the RN calls with my results, but when I press her a little for her impression she says that she is "cautiously optimistic"- a term that I think should be trade marked in this infertility industry.

I have to say, if I let my guard down, I have a good feeling about this. I have been feeling both ill and starving. I can't seem to get enough sleep and my bbs are huge! Except - yesterday I started spotting. Now I know this could just be implantation bleeding, especially since is seems to have stopped for the moment. But seeing any kind of blood is disconcerting. I have let myself look at my pregnancy book and I've even gone so far as to take a mental inventory of the maternity clothes that I have stashed in the attic. We told close family last night, but explained that we will continue to hold our breath for several more weeks...if not months. After the second beta, C let his guard down a little too and it was such a relief to see some raw emotion from him. He has not wanted to get his hopes up about any of this (he hasn't been pessimistic, just sort of middle of the road).

So, next beta is Monday, then possibly another one on Wednesday. The RN wanted to know what my work schedule was for the following week (week of the 9th) for an ultrasound. For now I am enjoying the change of pace - now I am googling pregnancy symptoms and beta results as opposed to side effects of menopur and 3dt vs 5dt. I am now looking at tickers and baby count downs and wondering - which one will I choose?

*addendum : I missed my blogiversary (sp?). I started blogging May 25th last year. Truthfully I never thought I would make it this long - for one reason or another. In honor of such an auspicious occasion, (both one year of blogging and the fact that at this very moment I am PREGNANT) I have decided to revamp my blog. The picture at the top is one that I took several years ago and is one of my favorites. I hope that seeing it frequently will remind me to get out there and do some of the things that have been missing in my life.

Transfer day

2008-05-20T15:14:00.003-04:00

This morning started off very sketchy. While getting Z ready for preschool I remembered it was her turn to bring the snack (unfortunately for everyone in our house, the cupboards were bare). We quickly devised a plan for both of us to go and drop her off, swing by the grocery store and throw together a quick fruit salad once we got to school, then dash off to the hospital. Great, good plan. And then I see our cat out of the corner of my eye standing uncannily still, like a little black statue. As I go over to see what is up with her, I notice a relatively large pool of bloody fluid right behind her - crap! There is absolutely no wiggle room in our morning schedule for a cat that is bleeding from some orifice. After some frantic phone calls, we finally arrange for her to get dropped off at the vet. One crisis averted, on to the next: snack! We get to the grocery store, somehow spend $20 on fruit and rice cakes and head to school. As I am in the kitchen throwing stuff in a bowl, C comes in and says "Guess what? Today is NOT Z's snack day, it was last Tuesday". I had forgotten that she did not go to school one day last week because of a cough. Now I'm thinking - should I be worried about the way this day is progressing?

The drive to the hospital was pretty uneventful, I only panicked for a minute when I saw the sign that said "Caution: traffic stopped ahead". Yesterday they had to close the interstate while the put the skeleton of a bridge up, so I was hoping we weren't getting into that kind of mess. Our conversation turned from the interesting facts of the new book C is reading "Salt" (and yes, it is actually about salt) to what would we do if we suddenly found ourselves under attack by zombies. WTF??

Because I had overfilled my bladder for the mock transfer and was a little more conservative with the fluids this time - apparently too conservative, but it still got the job done. The RE came in to discuss the transfer. I was bummed that it was not my usual RE, he has a very good reputation, but his bedside manner is a bit lacking. He showed my the embryo report, which made no sense to me. I was expecting to see a grade for each embryo, but I guess that is more for a 3dt. I asked him if what they were transferring were of good quality and he said "its what we expect for day 5." Later when my hero of a nurse N came in, she said things like "this embryo report just doesn't get any better than this". Out of 14 eggs, 11 fertilized and it looks like we might have 7 to freeze. I am blown away! The transfer itself was not terribly comfortable, and took a little longer that I thought it would. But here I sit, with two perfect embryos inside me. There is a phrase that I have heard a couple of times and I couldn't wait to use it myself - I am pregnant until proven otherwise. My clinic is a little tricky with the betas. I have one drawn on the 27th, they will freeze that one and then run it when I have the second one drawn on the 29th, so they know what doubling time is I guess.

addendum: the cat should be fine, vet thinks it is just a UTI.

Vertical

2008-05-19T13:12:00.003-04:00

I am finally feeling up to sitting and even walking around without the need to brace my belly. I made a phone call to the clinic this morning as I was starting to get a little worried about OHSS. My pain for the last couple of days was high in my belly, almost to my ribs. I have been taking the Tylenol #3 pretty regularly to get some much needed rest.

11-12 (the RN was exactly sure) of my 14 eggs fertilized - yea! We will be doing a 5dt tomorrow at 11:30. I've got to remember to go easy on the water as I tend to take "full bladder" a little bit too literally. Even the RE during the mock transfer said "whoa, not THAT full". My clinic is not very forthright with information on embryo development, I guess I thought I would get an update to see how many are still hanging on. When I asked my nurse this morning if she had heard anything about how they were doing, she dashed over to the lab and came back with a vague response of "they are doing well and growing fine". hmmmm....hopefully I will find out the stats on all of them tomorrow.

We are planning on transferring no more that 2. Even though I know that multiples are a risk, they scare me. We have had a child together already - no interventions needed - so I am operating under the hope that these embryos will be happy to be back home and snuggle in with wild abandon. Delusional, maybe - but most of all hopeful. Anyone out there that is nearing 40 with an opinion about how many to transfer?

Curse of the Nurse

2008-05-15T20:15:00.004-04:00

Get comfy, this could potentially be a very long post...one that I will probably have to do in shifts as I am remarkably sore.

Let's start with a couple of days ago. I had a massage a while ago, this woman as it turns out is primarily a therapist but does various types of bodywork to compliment her therapy. My massage session turned into a cranio-sacral session plus some energy work. I went for a follow up on Tuesday, expecting to continue with the work that we did last time. All it took was a simple "so how are you doing?" that prompted me to burst into tears. Next thing I know I am talking about my friends death from almost 4 years ago. She gently suggests that maybe the focus of our sessions should be emotional health with bodywork as an adjunct. Sounded perfect to me. During the session, a recurrent theme of fear surfaced. By the end, I felt like I had let go of some of those fears. Then, the most amazing thing happened. With some of the fear out of the way, I was actually able to let in hope and joy. For the first time during this cycle, I was able to say (out loud even) that I was looking forward to the outcome, that I had hope, REAL hope, that we might have another baby.

Fast forward to today - retrieval day. We left the house at 6:10 to be seated in the waiting room by 7:30. Anesthesia shows up 8 to start my IV and give me the good stuff. Three IV attempts later and I have some fluids running in and the meds were quickly to follow. Next thing I know I am waking up and the process of recovery begins. After about an hour I'm feeling woozy, but pretty good. C wants me to go into "assist" him with his specimen so we don't have another "incident". Finally around 10:00, we are ready to leave. C goes to get the car and bring it around front. I politely decline being taken out in a wheelchair. I go downstairs and almost immediately start to feel pretty awful. I feel like I am going to pass out and/or throw up. I dash over to the security guard and ask him to tell me husband that I had to go back upstairs. Now I'm back in the procedure room and my blood pressure is 89/43 - crap. Then the pain kicks in. The crazy thing is that the pain is in my right back - like kidney area - and it is sharp! They do a very thorough transvaginal u/s, (which is a special treat after retrieval) and in the middle of the scan the sonographer says to the nurse "can you go get the doctor" - well that is never a good thing to hear, is it? Turns out I had some internal bleeding. I got another IV (only 2 attempts this time), more fluids, blood work in preparation for the possibility of going to the OR. The doctor prepares me that I may need to be admitted for observation and pain control. So then I sit, or lay there rather for hours. I was able to doze a little, but with the blood pressure cuff going off in regular intervals, I can't say that I got much sleep. C left for a while to get something to eat, I didn't want to here about it as I had not eaten since 6pm and they were keeping me NPO just in case we had to go to the OR. When C returned he flipped out a little because my diastolic pressure was 54 and the machine was alarming. The nurse in me told him not to worry, my pulse was not rising so I was pretty sure I wasn't bleeding out, so I showed him which button to push to silence the alarm.

Finally around 1:00 I turned a corner and felt completely pain free. I had to stay until some lab work comes back, but I was finally discharged around 3:30. The nurse said the good news about planning on doing a 5dt is that my innards should be recovered by then. I just hope we can make it until then. On the way home I am so hungry that I could eat the seat of the car. I restrained myself and we stopped for some good ol' comfort food.

So the good news in all of this is: 14 eggs retrieved.! Not sure how many are mature, will find that out tomorrow with the fert report. I'm planning on 2 full days of laying low and regular Tylenol #3.

Lessons

2008-05-07T18:11:00.003-04:00

I've been obsessed with message boards lately, and find myself a little negligent on posting on my blog. Let's see, where am I in the stim process? Today I reduced my dose to 2 Men.opur and 150 Folli.stim in the evening only and 5 units Lu.pron in the am. My u/s on the first was good enough for me to bypass blood work that day. My lining was thin, and there were follicles waiting in the wings. My next appointment is Friday u/s and b/w. At my previous ultrasound the tech asked if it was ok if one of the residents came in and scanned me after she did....hmmm....did I mention that I work pretty closely with the residents? Unfortunately it was the only male resident in the program and I don't really know him all that well. So I am trying to formulate an answer that really should not be that difficult - yes or no. But here is my predicament: I plan on refusing having residents do any procedural work that may directly affect the outcome of retrieval or transfer. So after a tremendously long pause, I say "yes", because just doing a scan is not going to affect the outcome.

I am learning so much from being the one on the bed versus the one at bedside. My first lesson is that IM injections REALLY SUCK, and when at all possible give one in the hip (as opposed to the arm or leg). The next lesson I think that I am already good at, but I definitely need to keep in mind what it is like when two caregivers are standing at bedside and talking about the patient as if she was not there. This happened when the resident took over the wand. At one point they pointed out how my retroverted uterus was pushing my ovaries out of the way, but they were going exactly where they should. I spoke up and said "that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day". They both stopped, I believe they were shocked that this object on the table with wand up her chickie was talking! But then everyone laughed.

There is another lesson out there. One that does not have an outcome yet. C and I got into a huge fight the other day, and I believe there is still tension in the air - I will know more in a few minutes when he comes home. I will make a very long story as short as I can: C still needs to go in for freezing of his man juice. The timing is sensitive because he has to be "activity" free for 2-5 days before the freeze and before ER. ER is possibly mid next week. When I asked when his appointment was for the freezing he told me "next week some time". He went on to explain that he had a lot of things on his plate right now.....I hit the roof. I freaked a little and told him that no matter what else was going on, this needs to be our priority for the next 2 weeks. I don't get why he doesn't understand the timing of all of the procedures for the next week or so. I also wish that he had just taken care of this a few weeks ago so this wouldn't be an issue. I was at work when we had this conversation and was starting to stew...so I called back to find out what needs to be different in our communication for him to be more aware of appointments etc. The conversation ended very unresolved. C said that he had to "think about it" and he would get back to me.

*update* So when he came home tonight, he had brought me a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie. We have not talked specifically about the above conversation - frankly I'm not really in the mood to get into it. I've gained 4 pounds since Saturday, although it could very well be from the cookies I've been indulging in "because I deserve it". I'm a little worried that I'm not feeling bloated enough and that my ovaries are not plumping like they should.

Freakin' clomid

2008-04-30T21:57:00.002-04:00

AF finally showed on Monday. I was starting to get a little worried. RE said that AF would probably be light - yeah, not so much. (TMI ahead) And what is worse is that is that same clomid brown particulate type of flow. I have been reassured that my lining will be closely monitored and adjusted with meds, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if this is the source of our problems for the last year (plus) - too much freakin' clomid!

I have an u/s an b/w tomorrow morning, then I will sit in class for 8 hours. I'm looking forward to not being on the unit tomorrow. It has been nuts and I need a little break.

Now, tell me how twisted this is: the other day I took care of a patient who had major substance abuse issues, including during pregnancy. Her baby was delivered prematurely, but even for being premature was small for gestational age (less than 2 lbs). Now, here comes the sick part - did I get emotional about this? - no. Did I start to cry when I overhear a coworker that I barely know tell someone that they just found out she is having a boy? - yes. What is that all about?

I decreased Lupron to 10 units today - thank goodness!

Struggle

2008-04-27T13:49:00.002-04:00

I opened up a fortune cookie today that said "Struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in". It was just the right phrase at the right moment. I never thought that I would have such doubts about an IVF cycle once I was in the middle of it. Usually once I make a decision, I am committed and I don't look back. Not the case this time around. I've actually even questioned whether or not we would do another cyle after this one. Now, doesn't that seem a little silly after changing jobs strictly for the IVF benefits?

Lupron sucks. The headaches, the moodiness - I could do without it! C has really stepped up to the plate and been so helpful with my morning injections. We did not go to an injection class because I do this all the time. So I have had to talk him through drawing up the medication. The first day he almost wiped the needle with the alcohol swab instead of the top of the vial! I've done all the injections so far....but will definitely need his help for the IM shots that start next weekend.

I went to a funeral yesterday. My dear friend and co-worker lost her long battle with breast cancer. The last time I talked with her she was doing pretty well. She had stopped chemo and the tumors were shrinking. She suddenly stopped communication. I didn't push it because she has always been such a private person. I have so many regrets of not pushing harder to be there for her at the end. The funeral was heartbreaking. Her daughter-in-law is pregnant and due in August - she really wanted to be around to see her second grandchild. During the graveside service the minister read a letter that my friend had written to her first grandchild on the day she was born. The whole situation was no place for an infertile on lupron.....I was a mess. I didn't even go back to the house after the service, every time I opened my mouth I was bawling and I didn't figure her family needed that around.

....it must be the Lupron

2008-04-20T17:55:00.003-04:00

...or am I just in a REALLY bad mood? This morning was my first Lupron (20 units), done covertly in brother's house at 6:30 am. I awoke at 4am, thinking that I had over slept and could not for the life of me get back to sleep. The rest of the morning was mayhem. My parents left early, and my brother's family spent the morning getting ready for one of my niece's cheerleading competitions. I snuck out thinking that getting back home early would be a great idea - that I could spend all of this quality time with C.

Instead I walk in the house and immediately feel a black cloud hovering over me. I am completely over critical of EVERYthing that C has done (or not done, rather) in my absence. The day I left I had asked him if he had read through the folder the RE's office gave us. "Not yet", was his reply. Not yet? Not YET? When would be a good time then? Maybe next month when all of this is over?!!! A few weeks ago he told the psychologist (mandated session for our clinic) that he was going to do more research and ask more questions about this process. I was so happy to hear him take on some responsibility and make an effort to learn about this journey without me spoon feeding him information. Has he done any of that? - not yet. Did he ask me about my first injection? Not yet. I've lost nearly 20 pounds since the beginning of the year because the RE said it would improve my fertility. Has C started his exercise program to do the same? Not yet.

It is completely impossible for me to express how I'm feeling to him right now without verbally ripping off his head. Is this Lupron rage (already?), or am I just over tired and over stressed?

Thank you all for the comments. I haven't gotten around to individual blogs just yet as it has been a very busy week. But I just wanted to acknowledge how much your support means to me!

Right of passage

2008-04-11T21:02:00.003-04:00

Meds came today so I felt I had to do the picture.....

I thought that I would be giddy. Instead I look at all of those boxes and the only thing that goes through my mind is: "surely I didn't get enough needles". No matter, I can always get more from work. I don't start Lupron until next Sunday, so right now all the meds are in the basement. They'll stay there until I can figure out how I am going to organize them upstairs away from curious little hands.

I also received in the mail today a baby shower thank you note from my cousin's wife who is pregnant with IVF twins. She included her email and an extra note letting me know that she is there for me if I need support - amazing considering that I've only seen her twice.

Not too much else to say. Thank you for the input about 3 vs 5 day transfers. I guess we will just see how it goes - how many eggs, how many fertilize and if it looks like there will be 2 that will make it to 5 days. I keep on reminding myself that I just need to take this one day at a time - not an easy task for someone who likes to have a plan. My RE told me that I needed to find some way to have some peace in my life. I took that as a prescription for a massage and made an appointment today.

Naps

2008-04-09T18:47:00.002-04:00

So apparently today's meeting with the RE and IVF nurse was a bit more emotionally taxing than I had expected - as evidenced by my 1 hour nap on the way home and my husband's nap once we got home!

Nothing terribly exciting discussed today other than protocol and dates of upcoming appointments. I will by on 20u of Lupron, then 10u then 5u. I start menopur and 150 of Follistim am and pm on May3. Ultrasounds on May 1st and 9th. We discussed 3 day vs 5 day transfer and number of embryos. From everything that I have read 5 day blast transfer is preferred primarily because you don't have to transfer as many embryos, thus decreasing the risk for multiples. My RE said that they usually do 3 day transfers and that there is no difference in pregnancy rates with 3 vs 5 day transfer. Of course we will see how things go and possibly convert to 3 day. Does anyone have any input? My RE said she would do whatever I wanted. I am walking that line between trying to be my own health advocate and trusting that the doctors do this all the time and know what they are doing.

We didn't get any formal injection training as I do them all the time. My husband is a little too excited about giving me the IM injections. I will be out of town for my first Lupron shot, so it will be all me.

The RE isn't worried about my FSH =10 during the clomid challenge. Although she did say several times that my age was more of a concern than anything else. Both the RE and RN were ver bubbly and attentive today - which has been a bit of a change from the last couple of visits. We left feeling very reassured, but apparently tired.

Grey Street

2008-04-07T09:13:00.005-04:00

So over the weekend, I've been listening to my iPod on my way to work. I keep on stumbling on the song "Grey Street" by the Dave Matthews Band. It strikes a cord in me so deeply and I always cry. I'm not sure why I'm putting myself through the misery of listening to it over and over again, maybe it is somewhat comforting to hear my feelings put in such a beautifully sad song. There is a part of me that needs time to grieve during this process, but I'm often afraid that if I think about it for too long, I won't stop crying. So listening to a song gives me a finite amount of time to grieve...I feel it intensely, but for a short amount of time. (5 minutes and 6 seconds to be exact). Then I move on to something more light and fluffy like "Beer for My Horses" by Toby Keith and Willie Nelson! Anyway here are the portion of the lyrics that touches my soul's soft spot.

She thinks, “Hey,How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together -to grey
And it breaks her heart

If you are interested in hearing the song on YouTube....here is the link:

Hollie...thanks for the comment and support! Good luck with your ER! I have somehow deleted your comment....completely by accident...I'm new to the "moderate comments" button! How many follies/eggs did you have?

I have my appointment with the RE on Wednesday to go over all sorts of details...more then!

I'm on my way

2008-04-03T10:07:00.002-04:00

So yesterday was cd 1. And with that comes a whirlwind of emotions. First there is the ever looming sadness as of course I thought that this would be the month that we would get our BFP and not need all of this silly IVF business. But I could only greive this briefly as now it is time to make a plan for the next few weeks, check schedules and get all hormoned up. So here is the tentative schedule:

BCPs (started yesterday) until April 22
Start Lupron on April 20
Baseline u/s on May 1
Gonadotropins May3
u/s May 9
ER/ET week of May 12

I talked to the person in charge of my orientation as soon as I got these dates and I will be working from home the week of the 12th doing a self study education thingy. How awesome is that?

This morning I awoke with a MONSTER headache. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep, the stress (I've developed what I think is a stress related eye tick!), my lack of morning coffee, or the dramatic change in the weather.

I'm off to rest and will my headache away. This will be followed by a massive house cleaning effort if the headache goes away.

Comments, protocols and a birthday party

2008-03-31T20:40:00.003-04:00

So I've turned on the "moderate comments" button. Never in a million years would I think that my little blog would turn into the internet's version of telemarketing. Okay, so I've only had two comments like that, but it is still a little disturbing.

Last weekend I went to the birthday party of one of my best friend's little girl. This of course is the little girl that was conceived 6 months after we first started trying. In some ways time is passing so quickly. Of course when it comes to getting going with this first IVF, it is taking forever! I have been off clomid for several months and my cycle had just started to get regular again - 28 days on the nose. Then we throw in a clomid challenge this month and just because I had them laying around the house I did OPKs this month as well. Unfortunately I didn't have enough OPKs to make a pin point determination about when I surged, but I think I am on a 32 day cycle this month.

I don't have my protocol yet, all I know is my IVF nurse told me it would be about 7 weeks from AF to ET. The only thing I know for sure is BCPs starting cd 1-3 and lasting for about 3 weeks. I am expecting a lot during the meeting next Wed with the RE. We don't know meds or cost (even though everything will be covered, we have to pay for the meds out of pocket then get reimbursed). Frankly, I'm a little disappointed with the IVF nurse so far. For example: I was originally anticipating AF this past weekend, and the only instructions I got after my mock transfer was to call on cd 1 so I could start BCPs. I had to call her last week and ask if I should get a prescription called in just in case AF came over the weekend. It seems that she should be thinking proactively about these things. Maybe I'm expecting too much, but I have never done injectables and from everything that I read, timing of meds is critical. Am I expecting too much?

The long awaited warm and fuzzies

2008-03-19T16:12:00.003-04:00

I finally got a large dose of much needed warm and fuzzies. Yesterday we had an IVF mandated session with a psychologist. We had no idea what to expect. It turned out to be almost 2 hours with a fantastic woman. She was getting our background, general life experiences and our expectations for the IVF process. She spent a lot of time on what we needed from the IVF team to calm our nerves. I guess I come across as a bit compulsive because she said that from what she could see, not only do my ducks need to be in a row, they need to be dressed, groomed and with manicures. Hmmmm....okay so maybe I should lighten up a bit. The beauty of this meeting was that she will take all of this information back to "the team". She is part of a weekly IVF meeting that discusses each case. I really feel she will be an advocate for me and I feel that there is a sort of safety net for us in case I lose it.

So with that meeting complete, I am just waiting for AF. During the ultrasound last week I had the tech look specifically at my left ovary to see if that looked like my ovulating side this month. She did in fact see the largest follicle on the left so C and I have been giving it the last natural go round.

We are off to my parent's house for Easter this weekend. We are calling this the "Easter Olympics" because they have so much planned for us to do in 2 days that we will pretty much be going from venue to venue. On the agenda so far is: ice skating, swimming, boccie, kite flying, croquet, egg hunt, egg decorating, and bowling. Some of the activities will be weather dependent, but my mom suggested playing bocci in the basement if needed.

Relief

2008-03-13T10:24:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a big day. I told my boss. I had been dreading this moment. Would she immediately see right through me and say "you only took this job for the IVF benefits, didn't you?" I wouldn't say she was ecstatic, but she definitely understood and appreciated my situation. The first thing she said was that she was glad that I came to her first and told her early (partly so that she could anticipate a hopefully relatively soon maternity leave). Of course I will schedule as much as I can on days off and if I need time off during a shift, they will happily accommodate my needs. The day got even better when I talked to the woman in charge of my orientation schedule. She was very warm and fuzzy and full of hugs and excitement. My latest concern about my schedule had been that I anticipate the week of ER and transfer will be around my last week of orientation. "No problem", she says. There is one week that I will need to spend doing some "classwork". It is a self study module.....so I will do that the week of ER and transfer. I almost cried of relief.

Earlier in the week I had my ultrasound and mock transfer - ouch. Everything was fine and looks clear with no problems anticipated for transfer. The results of my clomid challenge are another story. Since I had my day 10 FSH done at the hospital where I work, I looked up my results: 10. Piss. I don't know what my day 3 FSH or E2 is yet. My FSH 6 months ago was 5. I've heard that the results are only as good as your worst FSH, so I'm becoming less optimistic. In the online research that I've done, 10 is the bottom of the range for not responding well to the IVF hormones. If there is anyone out there still reading this and has any input, please let me know what your experience has been. I don't officially meet with my RE until April 9, but I will probably be getting my calendar dates in the next couple of weeks, and AF is due to arrive end of March -first of April. I'm trying desperately not to get too pessimistic without more information.

The beginning of the end?

2008-03-06T11:02:00.003-05:00

Why is there always a pregnant woman doing her glucose tolerace test at the lab when I am there for IF blood work? ALWAYS.

We are starting to move forward and it scares the poop out of me. I start clomid today....another clomid challenge. I'm not sure how much they think is going to change in 6 months, but I suppose they are more cautious because of my age. Next Monday is an ultrasound with mock transfer. Then more blood work and a mandatory meeting with a psychologist. As long as there is nothing unexpected, we will start cycling the first week of April(ish). It is surreal that we are making the final steps to leap off this precipice. As much research as I have done, there are so many unknowns.

Last night I had a very weird experience. Out of nowhere I had vertigo. I thought I was going to puke. When I laid down I felt like I was drunk and had the bed spins. The spins finally went away, but only as long as I laid perfectly still. If I turned over, it started all over. I ended up calling out sick from work for today. I'm feeling a little guilty right now, as I am feeling much better, though still dizzy....this is turning out to be a mental health day.

cd4 but all is well

2008-02-04T08:35:00.000-05:00

Last week I felt that sneaky, creeping suspicion that we might have a bfp this cycle (sans any type of intervention). I have lost almost 10 pounds, I am on a somewhat regular schedule (read: I'm sleeping at night and working during the day), and I am exercising. Silly me did expect the miraculous bfp because of some lifestyle changes and "relaxing". Alas AF decided to rear her ugly head anyway. But there is some good news in all of the this. Some very good news.

I have been in experienced nurse orientation for the last two weeks and yesterday was my first day on the new birthing unit. I was nervous at first, there was not a real warm reception in the morning. The first person I talked to was a traveling nurse and she was quite bitter because her contract was not being renewed and it seemed that she was mad at me for taking her job. I learned last week that there has been high turn over this department and that the feedback the unit manager has gotten from new employees is that the staff is aloof and unwelcoming. By the end of the day I would say that is very far from what I experienced. I really enjoyed my preceptor and the whole staff was hysterical and included me in all their little inside jokes. The Superbowl party in the middle of the nurses' station (complete with chips, dip and an ice cream sundae station) probably helped lighten the atmosphere quite a bit. The job itself is going to be challenging professionally and personally. There are not always "good outcomes" as this is a very high risk obstetric unit. I don't dare write about any of that here. I will have at least 6-8 weeks of orientation and more if I need it. More and more I feel like this was the right decision....although the 1.5 hours I have to allow to get to work SUCKS!

Okay, so here is the best news....I saved the best for last. I stopped by the OB/GYN financial advisor after I received my packet of benefits the other day. I wanted to make sure that I chose the right plan that would cover IVF and what I could expect for out of pocket expenses. I had been told in previous appointments that the IVF benefit was limited to $35,000 - no matter what procedure was being done. We have guesstimated that to be about 2 fresh cycles and maybe one FET. Apparently that has changed and as of January 1st, the benefit is for 6 fresh cycles....no cap on price. That means that with my co-pays and deductible, one year's worth of IVF will cost me $450. Yes, I cried tears of joy for once in the financial advisor's office. I don't know if we would ever use the full 6 cycles....mostly because I feel like I am getting too old to drag it out that long. I truly felt a physical relief of stress/pressure knowing that we could have more that 2 chances if needed.

Losing Momentum

2008-01-27T14:29:00.000-05:00

How can it be that I have hardly thinking about IF these days?! I am in the middle of a two week "experienced nurse orientation" program at the new hospital, so I suppose that all of my energy is spent there right now. I don't really like to think about IF too much right now because the reality is that we will be starting our final leg of this journey in the next couple of months. I can't comprehend what next year will look like - baby or no baby, hysterectomy or not, Z as an only child permanently or with sibling(s). It just makes my head spin.

In the next couple of weeks I have to make some financial decisions in regard to a pre-tax medical spending account. I suppose that in order to not lose any money I put into the account, I should assume that we will only do this once - but how realistic is that?

There are so many question marks and I just don't have the ambition to pursue the answers right now.

Change and Nothingness

2008-01-15T08:58:00.001-05:00

I am starting my second week of being gloriously unemployed. My last shift at the teeny tiny hospital was last Sunday and I start my new job next Monday. I'll be easing into the new hospital with a week and a half of "experienced nurse orientation", then I will hit the floor (possibly literally). Still not really excited....I suppose that I am hopeful that I will like the job. C is already talking about the possibility of moving somewhere half way between here and there because he is anticipating that I will fall in love with this new job/hospital. We'll soon see.

So far I'm enjoying living life during the daylight hours. A friend told me that it can take up to a month before your internal clock resets after coming off of night shift, but I already feel a difference. It is a little difficult to ascertain why I am feeling so good at the moment as there have been a lot of changes in the last couple of weeks. I am exercising 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer 3-5 days a week. Weight watchers online is proving helpful and I am eating better and have lost 5 pounds. I am going to bed at reasonable hours and waking up at a consistent time. I am trying to connect with fold friends and make new ones. During this temporary "unemployment" I have virtually no responsibilities except to my family, and we have spent some amazing family time together. Last weekend we went ice skating (Z's first time ever and C's first time since 6th grade!). I come from a family of skaters (brother refereed ice hockey in the Olympics in Torino, dad used to coach hockey.....) So it was a new sensation to be the most experienced.

The other big difference in the last couple of weeks is of course the whole IF thing. I'm not really thinking about it too much. I have a general idea of when AF was here, but could not tell you what cd I'm on. I have learned nothing about keeping my mouth shut when discussing IF with those who don't have a clue. I had playdate/lunch with a girl in Z's gymnastic class and her mother last week. She has four children, and of course the last was unexpected. I have been friendly with this woman for several months and our daughters get along great, but this was the first time we have done something together outside of the gym. Over lunch she asks the inevitable question "so are you going to have more kids?" Me: .......pause.....big sigh......stalling for time........."we're working on it". She: "It'll happen sooner than you know". I should have just left it there and smiled. Why did I feel the need to explain that it has already been 2 years and we are going through treatment? Well, for what ever reason, I did explain it - briefly. She: "Have you ever thought about just relaxing and forgetting about it for awhile?" Me: (crap). Why is that the first advice that people go to? Anyway, can't remember too much what I said after that, but I'm sure I got my point across that the subject was closed.

Well, I'm off to do some sewing. Beyond that I have no idea what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. I made a comment this morning that I didn't want to be bored and C said "God forbid you take it easy and be bored for awhile!" He's right....maybe I'll do nothing today!

The Holiday report

2007-12-27T05:51:00.000-05:00

A belated Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to everyone out there in blogland!

My visit to my parents' was not the relaxing get away that I desperately need, but was indeed fun. We went straight from there to my brother's house for a couple of days of chaos then back home to our own brand of chaos. I have had to work for the last 3 nights (that includes Christmas Eve, Christmas in case you were wondering). There has not been a patient in site for 3 entire shifts. The first night it was a nice break, but by the third night I am going a little crazy. It is compounded by the fact that the other nurse got floated to another unit, so I have been sitting here for going on 12 hours by myself, trying to stay awake.

Christmas went by way too fast and I missed way too much of it sleeping. My precious little Z was a joy to watch and was overwhelmed with presents from both sides of the family. I felt like I was spoiled rotten, not necessarily by the volume or the expense of the gifts, but by the thoughtfulness. C did give me a new iPod nano which felt a little indulgent, but I have to say I love it.

Not much to report on the IF front. C and I weren't even in the same state during what I'm pretty sure was my "fertile days". Honestly, I don't even feel like I have the energy right now to track these things. A couple months off of obligatory intimacy is just what I need. My 15 pound weight loss is not going well, although I thought I was doing great until I got home from my travels and stepped on the scale. I exercised every day...EVERY DAY. Before I left I was doing 30-40 minutes on the elliptical trainer, then while I was at my parents' house I went to the gym with my father and did 35 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the treadmill. When I was at my brother's my SIL and I walked (briskly) 50 minutes every day....even in the rain. And after all this hard work, I am rewarded with a one pound weight gain....damn it! I was very discouraged. Then when I get to work there is fudge, cookies, chocolates.....etc. Given my discouraged state and the need to do anything to stay awake....I have eaten way over my quota of Dove's chocolates....although I did manage to choke down carrots and celery at some point during the shift. I know I have to get back on the exercise horse, but it is probably not going to happen until Friday.

Friday I will also get fingerprinted for my nursing license in the new state. There is something about going to the police department and asking to be fingerprinted that just seems wrong. I have only 5 more shifts left at this job, then I have almost 2 weeks off before starting at the big hospital. I guess I should savor these slow shifts, because it is not likely to happen at a hospital that does 5 times as many births as we do.

Stork

2007-12-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

Don't get excited...it's not what you think.

I'm on hiatus at my parent's house for the week. Then we are off to my brother's house for the weekend to celebrate my side of the family's Christmas. The week has actually been busy, but with the kind of busy that is enjoyable. Trips to the pool, the gym, making gingerbread houses. In a rare moment that I was alone, I had a conversation with my DH that took a bad turn. I don't want to get into details, lets just leave it by saying that I often feel like I can't live up to my husbands' idealistic expectations at Christmas. We resolved (I hope) some hurt feelings, but I was still feeling a little blue. Later I received another phone call from DH, thinking that it was going to more about the earlier conversation....but it was worse. Our tree had fallen over and the water in the base soaked all of the presents that I had wrapped right before I left. This event happened at about 11pm and C was up until 3 am cleaning up the mess. He ended up putting a hook in the wall and stringing wire around the trunk to keep it stable. We usually buy ornaments as souvenirs of our travels so I was worried that some had broken. Well, the ONLY ornament that broke was a glass stork that my MIL had given us a few years ago. If that isn't appropriate I don't know what is.

Scare

2007-12-08T04:07:00.000-05:00

*Warning....child mentioned*

Oh, where do I begin? Yesterday morning I went into my daughter's room around 8:30. She is our alarm clock, and that was a bit late for her to be waking up. When I walked in she was standing in the middle of the room in a daze saying "I can't walk, will you carry me?" I sat down on the floor, she climbed into my lap and promptly fell asleep...sound asleep. My first thought...well that is odd. Then for the next 20 minutes, I try to wake her up. She had moments where she was awake, but they didn't last very long. She even fell asleep in the middle of a sentence.

There are two routes that I will typically take in a crisis involving family, over reacting or under reacting. As a nurse, I will often assess the situation and usually come away with "She'll be fine". I also come from a family where my father's motto was "It doesn't hurt if it's not bleeding". Let's just say that in general I am not quick to turn to medical help, after all I AM medical help right? Well, this thinking is seriously flawed for a couple of reasons. The first being that when it is my child or family member, I usually turn into an idiot and my assessment skills are impaired. The second reason is that I am a Labor and Delivery nurse, so pediatric illness/injuries is not my forte.

So after about 20 minutes of the flaccid somnolent child, I decide to call her doctor. Big surprise - she wants me to take her to the ER. As we are packaging her up (it was 20 degrees outside) she almost collapses. I immediately start thinking that there is something neurological going on, she's sort of acting like she has a concussion. And I'm really hoping that pre-school didn't somehow miss a child who had a severe enough accident to sustain a traumatic brain injury.

She stayed awake on the drive over, and I thought about turning around and going back home. But there was something that was just not "right". She continued to act groggy, but not as lethargic as she had earlier. When we get to the ER and go through registration, they almost tried to send me back to the waiting room, but there was no way I was going to wait a minute longer before someone other than me assessed her. She got through triage without lifting her head off my shoulder. Next is the history - recent illnesses, complaints, new foods, exposure to illnesses etc.....her history is benign expect for the previous 1.5 hours.

So then comes the IV and the bloodwork and trying to get a urine specimen. She was amazing. The only time she cried was when I told her not to pull on her IV. C met us at the ER with portable DVD in hand. We watched "Ala.din" and "Chick.en Run". After 5 hours the verdict was "moderate dehydration". She received a bolus of IV fluids, she had lots to drink and 3 popsicles and she was a new girl. I have no idea how or why she was dehydrated. By 5 pm she was running and jumping around like nothing was ever wrong. By the way she was acting, you'd never have known that just 8 hours earlier I was crying hysterically (but only briefly) while I put on a baseball cap and quickly smeared on some deodorant. I called out from work, but then felt guilty because she was acting just fine. Of course now it is 4 am and I am now feeling guilty because I am not at home.

So she will be under the watchful eye of my husband this weekend, as work Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. On an amusing note, the ER told us that since our last visit, they always put chocolate syrup in the charcoal when treating a child...although now they have added a dollop of vanilla ice cream.

Hard core

2007-11-28T22:32:00.000-05:00

We had our first appointment with the actual RE today. Silly me thought that by seeing a woman doctor, I may get some of the warm fuzzies that I have been absent from my providers during this very long process. I will now refer to her as Dr. Professor. Both C and I felt like we were back in a college lecture and that we should be taking notes for a pop quiz somewhere down the road. Everything was very technical - as it needs to be I guess - lots of statistics and a step by clinical step explanation of IVF from suppression to stims to transfer. I have been doing lots of research and of course keeping up with blogs the best I can. C on the other hand left with his head in a bit of a spin. A lot of the information was review for me, but I did learn some very interesting things about ICSI. The only thing that I wasn't crazy about was that she always gave me statistics for the 40 year old age group.....I've got another year before I'm in that category. Ok, so maybe I'm a little sensitive.

The warm fuzzies finally came from the IVF nurse....let's see, let's call her Nurse Bubbly. She was awesome. We laughed and joked. She was a nurse for 21 years in the department where I will be starting in January, so I think there was a little sense of kindred spirits happening. The plan is for me to call Nurse Bubbly in February and we will schedule b/w and ultrasound (complete with a mock transfer) in March. Then we will start suppression with my April cycle and hopefully be looking at May for retrieval and transfer. At least that will give me a little time at the job to feel out if I will be able to take an hour out of my day to go for ultrasounds, etc. I don't like starting a new job and already anticipating taking time off.

I risked asking the question "Is there anything that I can do to improve my fertility?" Dr. Professor looked at me ever so briefly, then before she could answer I said "I need to lose weight don't I?" The response was a definite yes. Even though this blog is pretty anonymous, I still cannot bring myself to reveal my weight...let's just say that 15 pounds would be good start, more would be better. Both C and I have struggled with our weight for so many years. The good news is that even before this appointment, we have been taking steps to modify our diet and exercise. When we got to the car we agreed to go "hard core" in the diet department. If you raided my lunch box tonight, you would see carrots, celery, turkey sandwich, an apple, an orange and a yogurt....and yes I am already hungry.

Bored

2007-11-25T02:25:00.000-05:00

Well, it's 2:30 am, we have no one in labor....so I blog.

Thanksgiving was awesome, but as always it went by way too fast. Both C and I were illin' with a nasty cold, so we didn't partake in the traditional trek through the woods. We ate a lot, but not too much. We played lots of Wii video games. I'm not a big "gamer" like my hubby, but getting the family together around a Wii is a riot. My 67 year old mother loves to play - especially baseball. We gave Z a controller but took out the batteries so she felt like she was a part of the action. My favorite part of the holiday though, was watching my daughter fall asleep on my father's chest. Five years ago he was diagnosed with melanoma that had spread to lymph nodes and an concurrent primary kidney cancer. The prognosis initially was bleak. He did things to insure that my mom would be taken care of should the unimaginable happen. He talked of regret in his life - in which he had only one - that he would not be around to see my children. Fast forward to today and he is healthy and vibrant and cancer free. Whenever I observe a tender moment between him and my daughter I fight back tears.

My mother broke the news that my cousin and his wife are expecting twins via IVF. I am not particularly close with that side of the family. He did come to our little family reunion that we had back in September, but before that I don't think that I have seen my cousin since our wedding (6 years ago), and he only lives one and half hours away. I keep thinking about how he continues to smoke when his mother has emphysema and requires supplemental oxygen 24 hours a day. His wife was also smoking at the reunion so I am curious what the her RE thinks about that. I pressed my mom for some details of why they needed IVF, but she didn't know. All she knew was that when they got married 2 years ago they wanted to have children right away, but that obviously didn't happen. I am contemplating getting their contact info. She would be my only connection IRL that has gone through this process, but she is only a little less than a stranger to me. I also had a brief moment of anxiety about the tone in which my mother told me they were having twins...almost like a warning. Sometimes I think that my mother feels it would be worse to have twins than not to have another child. C gently pointed out that my micro-analysis of my mother's intentions were unwarranted. My mother may have concerns, but she does not possess a mean bone in her body. If anything there is ignorance in her comments, but never malice.

Cry baby

2007-11-21T04:04:00.000-05:00

Yep, that's me. I really need to stop with all the crying when telling people that I have resigned. The crazy thing is that I am upset, and they are thrilled (not that I'm leaving, but that I will have the chance to do IVF). The support has been amazing.....except......

I made the announcement of my resignation at the end of staff meeting the other day. Then I answered a bunch of questions about the IVF plan. Cue the anecdotes and dreaded comments:

"I have a friend who decided to adopt then found out they were pregnant"
"Now that you've made the decision to change jobs, that is when you will get pregnant"
"What if you get pregnant before January, will you still leave?"
"Since you'll be working days, you'll get pregnant on your own"
"You just need to forget about it, that's when it will happen"
and my personal favorite "It will happen if it's meant to be"

STOP! I know that every person was well intentioned, so why do those comments sting so much? Maybe it is because they trivialize my plight. Giving advice for something that they know NOTHING about is not helpful.

I'm trying to be a better blogger....commenting more, lurking less. Family comes tomorrow for a few days. The house is finally clean, pantry is full of groceries, the Wii is hooked up and ready for play, guest beds all made up, now all I need is a couple hours of sleep then the mayhem that is Thanksgiving can begin. We are going to have another "White Thanksgiving" this year. There is already a couple of inches of snow on the ground, and we should be getting more.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, may you enjoy a tryptophan induced nap!

Reality

2007-11-19T09:33:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official. My last day at my current job will be January 9th. Orientation starts on January 21st. What am I going to do with all this time off? I think that I may go to a yoga retreat (Kripalu) and go to a knitting weekend of all things (and yes, those are one and the same). Kriapula has amazing workshops - my first thought was to attend one on letting go of "fear", but then I saw this knitting workshop: 3 days for experienced knitters and lecturer is (drum roll please) Karen Allen......of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" fame....c'mon you know who I'm talking about. Apparently the actress thing got boring and now she has a knitting book and goes around the country doing knitting seminars/workshops. So fear be damned.....I'm gonna learn inartisa knitting! I would love to go with a friend, but my friends who knit don't do yoga and vice versa.

I'm trying not to think too hard about how far away IVF #1 seems (5 1/2 months). We have an appointment with the RE on November 28th. They have scheduled it to be one hour long, so hopefully we will come away with a bit of plan and an idea of how much the meds are going to cost. I believe that they have done all the testing for me that they are going to do, so I'm hoping that I will even have a protocol so I can start doing some research. In the meantime we are "trying" this month on our own. I have only a vague idea of what cd it is. This weekend C asked me what kind of "schedule" we were on....of course the most fertile days are going to be the day the whole family arrives through when they leave....of course. But my response to the schedule question was that I am not going to get wound up about it this month....or maybe even next. The family is coming here for Thanksgiving, so that is the last thing on my mind right now. My brain is full of thoughts of vacuuming and cleaning toilets.

The reality of leaving this job is hitting me in little jabs. The other day I was at a committee meeting and the group leader was asking for someone to volunteer for a project. It was something that I normally would jump at doing, but I know I wouldn't be there to see it through, so I sat there silent- which is not like me at all. My OB is part of this committee, I had not told him my decision yet. He has actually been left out of the loop because I didn't really trust him not to spill the beans at work. So I said "I need to tell you something". He says "Let me guess you are leaving and going to work at ****Hospital so you can have IVF".

What the *#%$?

Apparently my primary care doctor and my OB were at a seminar about infertility and my primary care doc spoke up and said that she had a patient that was changing jobs specifically so she could have insurance coverage for IVF....didn't mention any names....that was all she said. But my OB knew that she was talking about me.....have I mentioned that I currently work for a VERY small hospital.

Anyway, so after I hit the "publish post" button. I will be working on my resignation letter, which I need to turn in today. Then comes that task of starting to tell people that I am leaving. I have never given this much notice...almost 2 months. I know that I should tell co-workers sooner than later. I had said right from the beginning that I would definitely tell people the reason I am leaving, but now I am not so sure.

Job Offer

2007-11-15T04:29:00.000-05:00

And so it begins....a new paragraph for my resume. I was offered the job on Tuesday. I actually have not officially accepted. I am waiting for some answers to a couple of questions that are not deal breakers by any means, but I just want clarification on. Orientation starts on January 21 and I plan on at least ten days between jobs. I have had a couple of people ask "Are you excited about the new job?" The answer is complicated. I am nervous about the new job. I guess I would be more excited if the job was actually what attracted me to the new hospital, but it wasn't....it was the insurance coverage. I'm sure that I will like it, I have heard only good things....but it really doesn't matter if I like it....the job will help us grow our family and ultimately that is what is most important to me.

When I came to work tonight there was an email about the benefits fair for the up coming year. As I will only be around for 11 days in the New Year - do I go? I guess I should, if nothing else to discontinue the dependent care and medical spending accounts through my current job.

*as I am doing spellcheck for this post, and nothing needs to be changed, I realize it is because I have not used IF abbreviations or obscure medical terms like adenomyosis....it's a post that anyone can read and actually understand! that doesn't happen very often.

cd 3

2007-11-10T21:29:00.000-05:00

Welcome to cd3. Isn't this crazy, but I have forgotten off the top of my head if this is my first or second month off of clomid. When did I do that clomid challenge....last month? After being so obsessive about charting for so long, I feel a bit out of control not having the statistics of my cycle as my first and most persistent thought throughout the day. Anyway, so far it has been an exciting cycle....warning....graphic AF description coming. It's red....really red and pretty heavy. Never thought I would be jumping for joy over a heavy period. But, considering for months now AF has lasted only a couple of days and has been almost black....my thought is that my lining is starting to rebound from all the months of clomid (10 cycles since fall of last year). So, what comes with this excitement? hope. There, I said it. There is a piece of me that thinks that clomid was more evil than good, and now that AF is back to normal and I am more "relaxed" (yes, I know, I said the "r" word) especially since I am likely going to take this new job, that there is hope that we can still do this the natural way. Don't worry, the excitement and hope won't stick around for long, I'm sure, but I'm going to embrace them while they are here - rather than escorting them to the door.

I have an appointment to talk with my boss on Monday morning re: new job opportunity. I know that she will understand, but it is going to be a difficult conversation. We are already short staffed, with little hope of finding experienced nurses for the holes in the schedule that we already have. I have a strong sense of loyalty to this department and I hate the idea of leaving them in a time of need.....but I have to put my family first.

Pr.os and C.ons

2007-11-08T08:52:00.002-05:00

Ever wish someone would just tell you what is the right thing to do? I had my interview with the department manager Wednesday. I feel like this should be a black or white decision, and instead I find myself in a fog of gray. The department itself is very nice, and the people seem very nice. Let's look at some pro.s and co.ns of each job shall we?

Teeny Tiny Hospital (current)
2 nurses each shift
No LNAs
no unit secretary
no 24 pharmacy/housekeeping
200 births per year
little high risk experience
I'm comfortable in my position
25 minute commute
A lot of autonomy
Scheduling nightmares because of such a small staff
If the sh*t hits the fan, there is little to no back up
Night shift means that I see my daughter every day....even if it just getting her ready for pre-school, but night shift also means that I sleep on my "day off"

Night shift= more money, but I'm tired ALL THE TIME

NO IVF coverage

Big Scary Hospital
7-9 nurses each shift
3-4 LNAs each shift
2 unit secretaries
24 hour everything (read: I wouldn't have to mop the floors after deliveries)
1000 births per year
55% of births are high risk (read: I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing...of course there would be orientation)
1 hour commute
Because this is a teaching hospital, I would lose a lot of the autonomy that I am used to
With a push of a button (literally) the neonatalogy team arrives to assist in a delivery
Self scheduling, and although there is a weekend commitment, it is flexible
Day shift means that on the days that I work, I would not see my daughter (leave at 5:30am, come home at about 8:30 pm), but my days off would not be spent sleeping

Only day shift is available = less money, but I would have a human-like schedule

IVF covered up to $35,000

The last two items are what are giving me a headache. I keep going back to the fact that if it wasn't for IVF, I wouldn't even be looking at this new job......but now that I have, it seems like I shouldn't pass it up. However, we are already strapped for money so what is a little less money coming in and more money going out (on gas, wear and tear on the car, daycare) going to do to our budget.

*UPDATE*

I actually thought that I tanked a few of the questions during the interview, but I have already gotten a call from HR saying that my interview went "very well" and they want to move forward to checking references. I am expecting them to offer the job next week. After MUCH thought and MUCH talking with friends, family and therapist....it is foolish for me not to take the job. I discovered while I was making the above lists, that it is not the job that I am worried about, it is the IVF. This will be our last chance, and we will probably only get 3 cycles at the most. I am worried about not just failed cycles, but a miscarriage, being put on bed rest, and multiple gestation. We are coming to the finish line of this journey and that scares the crap out of me. Our options are diminishing rapidly. When I was on clomid there was always IUIs, while doing IUIs there was always the option of IVF. Now if IVF fails, my next step is likely a hysterectomy because of the adenomyosis pain. You can't get more definitive than that on closing the door to another biological child. I just don't think that I could live without regret if we don't at least try IVF.

Next stop on the infertility train: coping with my fears.

Hiatus

2007-11-05T21:34:00.000-05:00

So I haven't been doing anything related to fertility this month....I mean, I don't even know what cd I'm on....couldn't tell you if I marked day one on my calendar for future reference even. It has been nice, sort of. The daily stress is not there which is absolutely freeing. But, I also feel like we are wasting precious time by not doing anything. Of course we are giving it the ol' college try the natural way, but I am less than optimistic that it will work that way. I originally had an appointment with the RE for Monday of this week, but I rescheduled. It seemed a little premature as I don't even know if I will be offered this new job. No new job = no IVF. I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse for once in my life. My interview is on Wednesday...not sure how long it will be before they make a decision.

So today I dusted off my keyboard. Sent out some long over due emails to friends that I have ignored in written correspondence (but never in thought). A dear friend of mine had a baby in May....MAY!! and I just got around to telling her congratulations today. Her email started with something like "I was wondering if I had the right email address for you". I didn't realize how much emotion I have been choking back until I started to write this email and explain what has been going on for the last several months. Tears came down my face as I typed the words IVF, new job and cancer. Although my unintentional hiatus seemed like a welcome change: no blogging, no checking blogs, no journaling, no tracking days or symptoms. In the process I feel like I have been absent from my own life.

So, I'm back.

I'm working out. I'm knitting. I'm connecting with friends. I'm listening to music that nourishes my heart. I'm carving out quiet time for my husband.

Hurry up and wait

2007-10-16T00:49:00.000-04:00

I am in a bit of a panic. After several emails back and forth to the HR department, I had an interview set with the department manager for Oct 25. That would be really good timing for me. It would mean that if they did offer me the job, and I accepted, then orientation would start on Nov 26. They only do ENO (experienced nurse orientation) once a month, and they will not have an orientation in Dec because of the holidays. Insurance (aka- eligibility for IVF) would start on the first day of the second month (if I start in Nov, insurance would be effective in Jan). So I would be looking at IVF in Feb. BUT, today I got another email and they needed to reschedule my appointment for Nov 7. Assuming that they extend an offer right away, it is barely enough time to put in my notice at work and start by Nov 26. So, if that start date doesn't work out, then it would be late Jan before I would start work and April before IVF is possible. I just want to cry. Six and a half months seems like a lifetime away. I know that time will probably pass more quickly than I think it will in this moment, it is just exasperating to think that after almost 2 years I will have to wait this long because of administrative delays.

So now I need to get cracking on getting letters of reference from present and past supervisors (they won't make an offer without them). I also need to contact the new state and go through the process of getting my nursing license endorsed.....wish it was an simple process....not so much. Let me just say that the easiest part is getting fingerprinted, yes fingerprinted. I also have to have an FBI background check!

Interiew and Stuff

2007-10-05T10:22:00.000-04:00

I had an interview today with HR at the big scary hospital. (The APRN at the fertility clinic said that she didn't think I would have a problem getting the job...here's hoping.) The interview went well, although it was very formal in a way. She went down a list of questions, taking notes as I answered. Over all the whole process was a bit formulaic right down to my salary - which she literally plugged in my number of years (right down to the month) experience into a computer program and it spat out a number. Mind you it was a good number....about $4.00 per hour more than I am making now. Next step is an interview with the nurse manager. If all goes well, orientation would start Nov 26. Benefits would not be effective until Jan 1, so it looks like 2008 will be the earliest we can do IVF. I don't really know how I feel about all of this. I am not jumping out of my skin for this job, if it wasn't for the IVF I wouldn't even be looking. But it is a good opportunity, the benefits, the salary, clinical experience. Really the only cons in this situation is that I like my current job and the 1 hour commute. Anyway, back to IF stuff.

I had a follow up with after we got all our blood work and SA results. Here they are:

CD3 FSH - 4.9 (yippee)

CD10 FSH - 5.0

CD3 estrogen- 31

SA count - 125 million

morphology 6%

Essentially other than my age and lack of a fallopian tube, everything is peachy keen. Although, they are still recommending IVF. As the APRN said my "window is closing". So we have an appointment on November 5th with the actual RE (a woman - yay). Then we will decide on when we actually want to start the process. A big part of this is the potential for starting a new job. I don't really want to be the new kid on the block and immediately have to ask for time off, on the other hand, I don't really want to wait too much longer either.

10-1-68

2007-10-01T06:41:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to me!

Just one year closer to the precipice of being even more infertile.

A Long Walk Spoiled

2007-09-29T21:07:00.000-04:00

Well, the family reunion was nice. We visited with cousins that I have not seen since our wedding in 2001. The whole weekend was very busy - as it is usually down there. I did get to go on a lovely long walk with my SIL and talk about my woes. At the beginning of this journey (Jan 2006) I was pretty open about our intentions. I especially talked to my co-workers about the probability of VBAC-ing. Just about everyone at work knew when we had resorted to medical interventions. Now, it is a very different story. Only one person has asked about what has been going on during the last couple of weeks and the only thing I could think of to say is: "you don't want to know". I am learning the hard way that if I don't want to hear "just relax" then I shouldn't tell anyone what we are going through, because unless the person has been there, that is the standard response. So in light of all that, it was nice to be able to talk to someone IRL that just listened- didn't offer any suggestions. The best thing she said during this talk was that "only (I) knew what was best for my family, nobody can make this decision for (me)." Of course I know this in my heart, but it was nice to hear.

Thursday I went on another long walk with some new friends that I have met through my daughter's preschool. Both women have two children and are around my age. Their youngest children (8 months and 18 months) came with us on the walk, so it was an hour and a half of juggling strollers and babies. About half way through the walk my career came up and then it was almost non-stop discussion about birth experiences. I also mentioned that I was looking into applying to a larger hospital. Then, and I knew it was coming "so, are you going to have anymore kids?" Well, I fumbled, must have seem like an idiot - it's an easy question for most right? But I really like these women, I feel like there is a connection. So I ever so briefly spilled the beans. "We've been trying for a long time, looks like we need IVF". Drum roll......."you should just relax" "you should get a dog".......sigh. All I could say was "it's not that easy" and closed the book on that conversation. What was I thinking?

So today my mind is spinning a little. Am I in the 2ww? Once again this month I have done no monitoring. I have had no CM changes so I haven't a clue when I O'd. I am waiting to hear back from the clinic on my clomid challenge results. I'm not really expecting anything unusual as my last FSH was 4- but that was last year. How quickly can those eggs go bad? I am harboring some hope that since I hit the "submit" button on my application to the big scary hospital, that this of course means that I will be pregnant this month. Silly rabbit, why do I put my self through this mental torture? It's my birthday in a couple of days. I will be sleeping for most of it as I work the night before. I'm not sure if there will be any hoopla. I have mixed feelings about even acknowledging this event. I will be 39...THIRTY NINE!

New

2007-09-21T00:10:00.000-04:00

I feel like I am a new person, maybe even a little of the "old" me....the fertile me. C did my laundry last night. I can get pretty wound up about the handling of certain clothes (ex: I don't want my scrubs to sit in the dryer too long because they will wrinkle quickly, and there are certain sweater/shirts that I want either dried on a low setting or drip dried). To make a very long story short, there was a small snafu involving a pair of jeans and a sweater. Here's the kicker - I did not get mad, I didn't snap. I simply asked C to make an adjustment for next time. Later in the day there was another incident - although I don't even remember what it was - and I felt so calm...and not angry. What a pleasant change (both for me a C).

We are at the decision stage. No real action going on here right now. I just finished my clomid challenge and had blood work drawn yesterday morning. We are waiting for the results of b/w and SA, then we will formulate a real plan. In the meantime, I have gotten my references in order and I am in the process of doing an online application to the big scary hospital that is not so scary after all. I hope to be able to submit everything by early next week. I have to do a little research into getting my nursing license in another state. I'm hoping it is as simple as one page paperwork and a fee.

This weekend we are off to my brother's for a big family reunion. We have family coming in from Colorado that I haven't seen since our wedding 6 years ago. We will still work on ttc the old fashioned way (which of course means this weekend while we are at my brother's- luckily our usual sleeping arrangements put us in the basement far away from everyone). But the stress and anticipation and planning are minimal. I may even go crazy and have a beer...or four.

With the prospect of a new plan, the IVF plan, I find myself searching blogs to find those that are in my boat: advanced maternal age (hate that label), secondary infertility, adenomyosis, and IVF. If anyone has some suggested blogs that are not already on my list, please drop me the link.

Sleep, I need sleep

2007-09-17T09:30:00.001-04:00

Just a quick post, as I am off to bed after a very long weekend at work. I'm on day 3 of my clomid challenge. Last night I had such a monster headache (fatigue? clomid? stress?) I felt like I might puke. The only thing I could think of is that if I'm having a tough time with the 100 mg of clomid - what are gonadotropins going to do to me! I guess I'll jump off that bridge when/if we get there. I took 100 mg for three months a while ago, and I don't remember it having this effect so I'm hoping it was just emotional and physical stress versus pharmacological stress!

I wanted to submit my resume today, but I did not get a chance to finish updating it yet. Maybe tomorrow. I also had the mortifying thought that even though I apply for this job, I might not get it. Hmmmmm.....then what? And if I do start a new job, will I have to immediately asking for accommodations to my schedule for IVF? I read that the injections have to be taken at the same time each day within 30 minutes of the scheduled time. If I'm at work, it might be difficult to make that cut off time. I can just hear it now "I know you have the urge to push, but could you wait a minute while I go shoot up?"

hot topic

2007-09-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

I find myself trying to justify the tribulations we are voluntarily putting ourselves through in order to have another child. Mind you I do not feel the need to search for validation within myself, but to everyone else. I had thought that I found a safe place to land in this community of infertility. Lately I have been clicking on links of blogs that take me 3-4 blogs away from my original search or favorite's list. There is the hot topic out there of primary vs. secondary infertility, and honestly I am starting to feel a little unwelcome by some. I'm not going to get on any kind of soap box. When people feel so passionately about something, I have little confidence that anything will change their minds. And let me also be clear, I don't want to change anyone's mind, maybe just offer a little different perspective.

My friend who passed away of ovarian cancer 3 years ago used to talk about taking her own life at the end, when her quality of life was not acceptable for her. She also talked about not going through chemo again. She heard a lot of "I would never do that" or "I would want to fight it to the end". Her comment was simple: you don't know what you would do, until you are in that very situation. Those who say "I would just be happy with one", maybe you will, maybe you won't. There is no telling until you are truly faced with these decisions, that they are no longer hypothetical. In the end, my friend changed her mind, she did have more chemo and cancer, not hemlock, took her life. We are also entitled to change our minds and adapt our philosophies as our environment, lives and world changes around us. Speaking in absolutes is dangerous way to go through life.

Anyway, enough of that. I am seriously considering a job change in order to have coverage for IVF. I started updating my resume yesterday.

RE visit

2007-09-12T20:22:00.000-04:00

Hmmmmm....where, oh where do I begin?

Today we went to the big scary (in)fertility clinic at the big scary teaching/research hospital. The long and short of it is: IVF is likely to be the only logical choice for our next step. We met with a very nice, very informative nurse practitioner. She laughed when I asked about BBTs and endometrial biopsies. She also said that I was "way beyond" clomid as treatment. She was nice enough not to use a biological clock analogy, but she echoed my concerns about my age. After all, my infertility problems are not going to get any better the older I get. So I have my order for cd 3 b/w which will be tomorrow, clomid challenge on days 5-9, then repeat b/w next Thursday. C will have an SA next week, then I think I have to have an u/s, but I'm not sure on what day. I left with my head spinning from all the information, some of the details are a little fuzzy right now. As long as my fsh is not too high (it was around 4 last fall), then she strongly recommends IVF. My big hesitation about IVF has always been the money. We met with the financial person and got the breakdown on costs: $7,950 for all office visits, ultrasounds, procedures and blood work. Then there is the a la carte choices like embryo freezing, ICSI, embryo storage fees. Medications are separate and run between $3,000 and $5,000. So when all is said and done - one cycle = about $13,000. Right now I am paying about $400 per IUI cycle as they have been billing my u/s as diagnostic. However, if we do IUI with injectables(because I am "way beyond" clomid) then costs for IUI would run about $5,000. The stinker part of the IUI is there would not be a guarantee that I will ovulate on the left, so that $5,000 might as well be flushed down the toilet. At least with IVF we would bypass the tubes (or tube, rather).

So how do we pay for this, if we decide to move forward? The nurse practitioner patted me on the leg at one point and told me that if I worked at the big scary teaching/research hospital then IVF treatments are covered up to $35,000. As soon as I got home I looked on the job postings, and there is a couple of positions open on their childbirth center. C (who right now owns his own business) really stepped up to the plate and said that he would look for full or part time work at the big scary hospital too. He said that I was shouldering enough of this burden, that it shouldn't all be on me to finance this too. I would marry him all over again! I also happen to look at IT postings and there are a couple of jobs that he would be suited for as well.

Now, there are quite a few positives about changing jobs for both of us, including opportunities for career advancement, increased pay, for me- access to state of the art medical technology and medical staff. The major negative is that the big scary hospital is an hour away. If C took a job there, we would lose our flexibility in scheduling daycare and quick getaways. If I took a job there, I would be away from home too much. Unless I worked there 20 hours per week (minimum hours for full benefits) and then worked per diem at my current hospital. There is so much to think about, I'm don't know how we will make this decision. I'm trying to just take this one step at a time. First we have to get through the lab work to see what we are dealing with. I'm guessing that we will not be really doing anything for at least a couple of months. There are some other options for creative financing, but I think that they would be a little irresponsible and potentially put us in the poor house.

"Ferility" clinic

2007-09-11T21:28:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is our appointment with the big scary (in)fertility clinic. I had mentioned my amusement of the whole "fertility" clinic idea to one of my co-workers. I think it is absurd, let's just call it what is it. My friend says "well maybe it is called a fertility clinic because they are trying to make you fertile". My response was so why don't they call a cancer clinic a "remission clinic". She didn't have much to say after that.

The last 24 hours have been brutal. Last night at work was a nightmare - 2 deliveries within 11 minutes of each other. It wouldn't be bad if there weren't only 2 nurses. And there are supposed to be 2 nurses in attendance for each delivery. Well, needless to say that did not happen, and I ended up with twice the amount of work. To make it even more fun, this all happened about an hour before the end of my shift...so I was there for another 2 1/2 hours past the end of my shift finishing up paperwork. As one of the docs said last night - the medical profession has finally come to the point where it takes longer to do the paperwork involved than it does to actually treat the patient - so true.

Anyway, I'm spotting ever so slightly. The kind that no one but an infertile would notice. So, I guessing that AF will arrive in the next day or so. I am trying to get all the paperwork gathered and Z's clothes and lunch ready for tomorrow so we can leave without a hitch nice and early.

I'm sorry that I have not been commenting on many blogs in this last week- I just haven't had the energy. I AM reading, and SO thrilled for those of you who are basking in the glow of BFPs.

Signs with update

2007-09-06T21:00:00.000-04:00

So I have been fretting about whether or not to POAS tomorrow. I didn't even have any hpt at home so if I decide that yes I will take the plunge, I needed to go to the drug store before work tonight. If I do POAS, that means that I have some hope that we did what feels like the impossible- make a baby the good ol' fashioned way - no drugs no monitoring. If I do host that hope, it is so small. If I POAS then, if even for a moment, my hopes will rise and I will likely crash. Is it worse to take the test and be disappointed now, or wait and be disappointed when AF arrives? I'm not even sure why I feel the need to do a hpt - I don't feel pg. I haven't done any testing (beta or poas in a few months). We did not have a predictable cycle and our efforts were minimal. And yet....

....I did pick up 3 hpt. While I was in the store, the "family planning" isle was in disarray. When I turned the corner and saw boxes all over the floor and two employees moving shelves around I thought to myself "this is a sign....just keep walking". I did keep walking, but I walked right up to the mess. Fortunately the hpt were safely on the shelf, so I pondered only briefly then grabbed a box. My thoughts are racing, is this a bad idea? I feel like I am taking contraband to the register. As I am waiting at the check out there is a young dude trying to pay for some hard iced tea. He paid part in cash ($2) and wanted to put the remaining $5.03 on his debit card. The card was repeatedly declined. Finally he left - the person directly in front of me told the cashier that it was a sign that he shouldn't be drinking alcohol. What's with all the talk about "signs"!

Well, signs be damned, I even brought the hpt into work with me in case I had a strong desire to get it over with during the night. So I would love some opinions... waddya think I should do?

*Thanks for the reminder about mentioning dpo Artblog! I'm not really sure what dpo this is. Going strictly by one day of EWCM I would be 14 dpo today (Friday). I think I O'd early this month (on cd 9) but because I am doing absolutely no monitoring, I don't have a real good grasp on this cycle.

What's wrong with Carl?

2007-09-01T00:44:00.001-04:00

Carl is a little 3 year old that will be in my daughter's pre-school class. Friday morning was "orientation", which was scheduled from 9-11. Carl did not make it for the entire session, and the time that he was there, he spent screaming. I am hoping that he is one of those kids that is an angel while in the care of others, but is most difficult for his parents. Because if he is like this all the time - there is going to have to be an intervention. Now, as much as I would like to think Z is perfect, I will concede that she has her moments. But they are short lived and usually easily resolved. Carl, well.....I think Carl has some problems.

The best part of orientation was meeting a mother that I really clicked with (the same one from the other night). The best part is that she is an "older" mom. She will be 40 next month. I find that most people my age have teenage kids, and the ones that have kids Z's age are in their 20's. I like to think that I am young at heart, and I do have friends that are much younger. But it would be nice to connect with someone who has had similar life experiences that is close to my age. I tried not to be too invasive, but I definitely want to pursue this friendship. She did mention that she thought our daughters would be "thick as thieves" so I'm sure there will be some play dates in our future.

We had a nice delivery at work tonight....then I had an emotional breakdown. It used to be hard to take care of the patients who were the extreme in poor pre-natal care - drug addicts, teenagers, etc. But these days it doesn't seem to matter what the history is, I just don't want to be around pregnant women (fellow bloggers excluded!). Now, since I am a labor and delivery nurse, that is a little hard to avoid. I suppose at the minimum I need a vacation or some kind of respite. I've been thinking about going to the Kripalu Yoga center for a weekend - but that can get a bit pricey. Maybe it's time for a Mommy and Daddy weekend away somewhere, or maybe I need to go away by myself - that sounds really good.

I still don't know what is going on with my cycle. I've only had one "episode" of adenomyosis pain and it was not very intense or lasting very long. Now and again I feel hope creeping in, but then I come to my senses. Besides - I don't want to become an anecdote: "I had a friend that went through infertility treatments and the month she didn't do anything is the month she got pregnant." I just might vomit if that is the case! I'm thinking that I will POAS on Friday the 7th. I will be 14 dp ewcm at that time.